Help! Is this the actions of a shitty friend?

[yippyyappy]

Me, dh and ds (4) have been asked to a NYE party. We live very remotely and can't get back to our house that evening so arranged to stay with a friend and her two kids who are also going.

The people who's party it is just asked if we want to stay with them.

Seeing as it's a wind chill of -40 tomorrow night and dh would like a drink he wants me to tell other friend we've changed plans and will stay where the party is.

I feel like this may upset original friend as she's alone with her 1 and 3 year old and was probably looking forward to us coming back with her. I'm just guessing that though.

I thought of asking "would you be offended if we stayed where the party is?" but dh thinks this just puts pressure on her to say it's fine even if it isn't.

So it's a wwyd. I have autism so sometimes don't make the right decisions or judge people right. Hence asking here.

I'd ask if she minded.

Personally, if I was the original friend, I would be relieved - takes the pressure of hosting you off her! And you have good reasons.

So I would say YANBU.

That said, if the hosts of the party don’t have kids, it may be quite loud or lary for you to stay? But that doesn’t affect your reasonableness re: where you sleep.

No, of course not. Your other friend asked you to stay to help you out because of where you live. It will be easier for both her and for you if you stay at the party location.

She's alone though as her husband has just gone back to sea. I could see her feeling glad we were there.

People with party have two kids. Who are very loud.

Can original host also stay at the host's house?

Not U exactly, but I think it might be seen as maybe rude or hurtful by the friend.

Generally the advice I see on here is that once you've committed to a plan you really need to stick to it.

But if you think your friend might be relieved not to have to host, run it past her.

Hope you have an enjoyable night no matter what you do.

I think it sounds fine, the only thing that would concern me is whether she's expecting your husband to drive the three of you back to hers? (As you mention him wanting a drink as one of the reasons for staying.) If so I'd check whether she has another way to get home.

If you're concerned about her being alone, which is totally understandable under the circumstances, could you arrange to meet up again in the morning instead? If she has young children she might find this easier anyway as she may well just want to get to bed once she gets home.

I think it also depends on how long ago you said you'd stay at hers - if you arranged it within the last few days then I'd say no problem, but if it's been planned for weeks then she's more likely to be upset if you cancel at the last minute.

Not enough room for the others to stay.

I totally get the point about the original plans being stuck to.

She'd be driving herself back anyway as she has two kids and we have ds.

Meeting for breakfast won't work as we have to leave at 6am to get home.

I've been in similar circumstances as your original friend. Dh works away a lot for long periods. She wouldn't have asked You back to hers if it was going to be difficult, so I think you're fight in that she was looking forward to your company. It can be v lonely by yourself with little kids while dh is away, and a lot of ppl forget that. If you cancelled on me in this circumstance I would be sad I'd been dropped for a better offer, after sorting places to sleep/suitable breakfasts in etc. Yes, it might be easier for you, but do you usually drop activities with other friends if a better offer comes along? Knowing the original friend would then be alone?

Ugh. That's exactly what I thought. Thanks for the perspective.

I'm a single parent and I'd be a bit gutted if I thought friends were coming to stay and was looking forward to not being alone on New Year's Day morning and then that my changed their minds for convenience reasons. I'd understand it as it's totally logical and I wouldn't say anything but I'd feel disappointed!

Fight? =right

Does it matter if she's alone? Surely after a party you just go home and go to bed? No need for more company.

I just don't think adults tend to invite anyone to stay over for any reason other than convenience or to help out. It's not a social thing.

Tbh if you leave the party at say 1 and need to leave at 6 am then its possibly going to be a disruption for other household. As such i might mind less as your friend as if you wake everyone up as you leave, she has two kids on her own. Also DH needs to be mindful of what he drinks as you stand a good chance of being pulled over that early / he needs to be fit to drive on not much. sleep

HappyHedgehog247 they're leaving at 6 am though

Well if you have to leave at 6am anyway then I can't see it makes much difference. At least she'll be able to have a lie in if you don't come back.

I do feel like as soon as we get back she'll be busy putting her kids down and they don't tend to get up until 8am so we'd be creeping around to leave anyway. I still get the feeling that she's happy she won't be alone though. Even if we're all asleep

Manic not for you maybe, but if your dh spends months away and you look after little kids, you do tend to get a bit lonely for adult company. Sounds like original friend was looking forward to having the company. Most ppl are busy with family over the xmas hols, she'll most likely be feeling down that her dh has just gone back to sea. I imagine she'd be a bit depressed if op flaked on her. Speaking from experience.

I think I’d stick to the original plan as rightly or wrongly it would seem like you were ditching her for a better offer, which might make her have a rather glum start to the new year (depending on her temperament).

Is it possible for just you to stay with her leaving dh and dc with the host?

Fair enough fitbit but I think you might be quite unusual in that. They're literally going to be sleeping.

I haven't lived with another adult since I was 21. A night in could be lonely, sure. But not coming home, dealing with the (overtired) kids and going to bed. That makes no sense at all.

It makes no sense to pack up the kids & car at 1am then again at 6am. This way you can put the kids to bed & not drive anywhere. It’s not like you’d have spent anytime with Friend A anyway. If you feel she’s lonely, Plan a weekend to actually visit. Sleeping in her spare bed between 2am & 6am really isn’t staying with or visiting. Just make sure she realises that you were really grateful for her offer.

As you are leaving at 6 I'd just ask her whether she would prefer you to stay at hers or the other house as you don't mind either way.

I agree with AnnieAnoniMouse