Help! Is this the actions of a shitty friend?

[yippyyappy]

Me, dh and ds (4) have been asked to a NYE party. We live very remotely and can't get back to our house that evening so arranged to stay with a friend and her two kids who are also going.

The people who's party it is just asked if we want to stay with them.

Seeing as it's a wind chill of -40 tomorrow night and dh would like a drink he wants me to tell other friend we've changed plans and will stay where the party is.

I feel like this may upset original friend as she's alone with her 1 and 3 year old and was probably looking forward to us coming back with her. I'm just guessing that though.

I thought of asking "would you be offended if we stayed where the party is?" but dh thinks this just puts pressure on her to say it's fine even if it isn't.

So it's a wwyd. I have autism so sometimes don't make the right decisions or judge people right. Hence asking here.

Stick to the original plan, your Dh surely can do without a drink ?

I asked and she says she doesn't mind. Which she would have done anyway. I told her I know it was a bit shit but it was best for ds and would she please come over next weekend and dh would watch her kids while we go for dinner and a sauna so hopefully she doesn't think I'm too shit a friend.

I've got this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach though.

You're basically thinking of ditching already made plans with one friend because you e got a better offer. And an offer she's apparently not worthy of receiving herself.

Yes, I'd say that was a shitty thing to do.

She's probably tidied up and got your sleeping arrangements ready, maybe got you all something in for you to quickly/quietly eat before leaving. Maybe a pack of brioches for you to have in the car after your early departure.

I'd be a bit miffed if I was her. I probably wouldn't bother going to the party and I certainly wouldn't be inviting you again.

Ohh, whoops.

It's not just that @brizzledrizzle

It's also getting ds out of the house and driving when it's about -30.

We've stayed before and she doesn't get up before we leave lol so I'm not worried she'll have packed any breakfast!

It will be lonely for her leaving the party with her two to go home and put them to bed if she has been expecting your company. I'd be disappointed, as would my kids, if a plan to have guests stay over changed at 24 hours notice. I'd stick with the original arrangement. If you are leaving early, best for both of you to be in a fit state to pack up silently and drive.

A night in could be lonely, sure.
It's not just one night in though, she'll have the next few months (potentially somewhere up to a year) of nights alone with kids. I get that it's inconvenient, they won't be there long, could arrange something else another time etc, but I think she was prob looking forward to the camaraderie of going home and putting kids to bed with other adults, quick chat, seeing them in the morning. I really doubt she would have asked them back otherwise. I might be wrong, but if op wants opinions on how her friend would feel, more accurate opinions might be from others who have been in the same situation?

Who are you trying to convince? We're not bothered where you stay.

Bugger bugger. Oh well it's done now. And she's not answering me anymore.

X-posted with the last few. I'd be seeing it from Fitbit's perspective too.

@AnotherWorry you are being a bit unnecessarily unpleasant.

@AnotherWorry don't be an arse. I asked for opinions as my judgement on people's feelings isn't always the best.

@Fitbitironic you're right. I wish I'd listened to you (and others) rather than firing off a panicked message.

And if I was your friend and you'd have asked me, of course I would have said I didn't mind. Because I don't like to make my friends feel uncomfortable. I would still feel a bit let down though.

(Does she really expect you and kids to set off without any breakfast?)

Not trying to be arsey, just pointing out you sound like you're trying to convince yourself it's OK. But, like you say, it's done now. I'm sure it's not that big a deal.

Sorry op, not meaning to make you feel bad, I keep x posting

@yippyyappy dont be hard on yourself.

Its a tough call to make and you were prioritising your DC .

No one is perfect , i am sure your friend isnt and i think your offer to her is a kind gesture.

I would leave things as they are now , not beat yourself up anymore and let the dust settle , then get in contact with her in a few days to arrange a catch up.

Any sensible person would see that this makes sense. You aren't depriving her of your company as you are leaving at 6 anyway. She knows it was only for convenience in the first place. This is more convenient. You've already arranged a much better socialising weekends instead. Chill, it's ok. She will understand.

If you weren't leaving at 6 then it would be a different matter entirely.

I wouldn't worry OP, I still think she was genuine in saying she didn't mind and probably quite relieved.

Fitbit - I am in the same situation. Right before the bit you quoted, I said I have never (since university) lived with another adult. I do bedtime for 3 kids alone every night. Having another person around putting their child to bed and worrying about whether they had everything they needed and were comfortable etc would be a kindness on my part, not something that would be a favour to me. If the friend was going to see them in the morning, have breakfast etc then that would be nice and I could see her being disappointed to lose that - but she was never having that, they were leaving before the friend would even be awake.

But anyway, there's no way of knowing which 'camp' the friend is in, I guess.

I am in the same situation. Right before the bit you quoted, I said I have never (since university) lived with another adult. I do bedtime for 3 kids alone every night.
That's not the same thing at all though, is it, because the friend is used to having another adult around at bedtime, you're not.

At the end of the day OP is not responsible for her friends social situation.

And although we can all empathise with the friend , as harsh as it sounds that is the reality

I told her I felt like a shit but felt it was better than bouncing ds around different places in the cold.

She said yes she did feel a little sad we weren't staying but totally understood and would have done the same if it were her. And we're going over there to get ready whilst dh watches her kids and she coming out next weekend and we'll look after her.

So in short I pulled a wanker move but am hopefully making up for it.

Thank you all for your input. I know it probably seems silly to most that I overthink stuff like this but I've made the wrong choices so many times I'm wary of trusting my instincts! (And dh is possibly worse than me so no help.)

If I were the friend I’d be fine about it especially as you are leaving early. She’s going to the party too so it’s not like she’s home alone all night. Don’t worry about it. I don’t think it’s a big deal.