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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to need help - WWYD to help DD?

82 replies

KittyCrackers · 30/12/2017 21:29

Warning - long! Name changed as this is sensitive and I am freaking out.

My 8yo DD's father has a history of abusive behaviour and did not see her for almost 4 years of her life once I had asked him to leave. He was arrested twice while she was in his care - once for driving without insurance and once for assaulting his then-girlfriend. I had threads on here both times about these (if you recognise me, please don't out my normal username). On solicitors' and social services' advice we stopped contact, until he could prove that he was not a danger to DD - and that was the last we heard from him for almost 4 years.

In January 2016 he got in touch again, out of the blue, and said that he had fulfilled all the court conditions to resume contact - ie testing for bipolar disorder (it runs in his family) and attending an anger management course. After so long I thought he had forgotten about us but he sent me proof of all of the conditions he'd met, so I had no choice but to facilitate contact again. Our school nurse arranged some counselling at this time, and it was really useful for both DD and myself to be able to talk about her new relationship with her father and she gave us both some great coping strategies at this time.

It was really awful for me in the beginning, as we had to start with supervised contact in public before progressing to unsupervised and finally overnight visits. After a few weeks of awkwardness they seemed to settle down with each other and she started to look forward to visits more. After a year all was going very well - DD was building up a great relationship with him and seemed to love going to his house he shared with his fiancee (she had taken him back after the assault mentioned above) and her new baby half brother. Until this week.

She was supposed to be with him from Christmas Day until 1 January, but I received a text message on 27 December at 06h30 asking me to come collect her, as XH and his fiancee had had a disagreement and the police were coming for him again. I went to collect her straight away and she has not been right since. She told me that XH and fiancee had been arguing a lot lately (he has been unemployed for 6 months, and she has been sole breadwinner and paying the mortgage all on her own) and she overheard them having a huge fight on the day after Boxing Day. She heard them swearing at each other (she told me the words she's heard - no 8 year old should hear names like that, it was appalling) and she heard fiancee screaming when XH picked her up and threw her against the wall. The police arrived very quickly once fiancee called 999 and took XH away, which DD witnessed herself.

She has not been the same since we got home. She is not eating, she is complaining of a stomach ache and headache all the time. She seems to be seeking reassurance and compliments constantly - saying things like "I'm the best cook ever, aren't I, Mummy?" and "people say I have great eyesight, my eyes are the best" and other attention seeking statements that are out of character to her. She is super-clingy - she wants to be on my lap or in my presence all the time. If she's not on my lap she's been shutting herself in her room - she's normally the most sociable child around, this is so unlike her. She is not herself and I am really concerned that this third police involvement, plus hearing the language and violence first hand, have had a negative effect on her. I tried to shield her from this side of him, and he assured me he'd changed, but it would appear not. I feel so guilty for letting her go back there although I was advised that I had no choice as he'd fulfilled all the court conditions - I KNEW what he was like, I should never have let it happen.

She does not want to go back to her father's at this stage - which I completely agree with - he is refusing to tell me exactly what happened, says he has to get solicitors advice first, and I suspect that he is being charged by the police this time as Fiancee did not press charges the first time it happened.

DD has asked if she can see the school counsellor again, which I've requested. How can I help her in the meantime? I am completely at sea as to how to handle this, all the old feelings of fear and anguish are coming back and I don't know what to do to help her. Or me. I do not want to take her back there EVER - can he make me? I am so stressed and guilty that I feel sick with worry for her - does anyone know of any good counselling service (preferably free, as XH hasn't paid maintenance in 6 months) that could help me with legal advice and also how to best support my darling girl?

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 30/12/2017 21:35

AFAIK if your DD says she doesn't want to see her father again then no one can make her. No court or social worker in the land but your DD has to say this of her own volition. The fact is she may still want to see him and if she does I don't think there is much you can do my dear. I am so sorry your poor DD bless her .

MyBrilliantDisguise · 30/12/2017 21:36

Why on earth did you agree he should have your daughter on Christmas Day?

Mrsmadevans · 30/12/2017 21:38

As for counselling and support , you can get her referred to CAMHS by your GP. Hope this is sorted very soon for your DD my dear.

Mrsmadevans · 30/12/2017 21:39

My Brilliant disguise because of this reason
'DD was building up a great relationship with him and seemed to love going to his house he shared with his fiancee (she had taken him back after the assault mentioned above) and her new baby half brother.'

Original poster
KittyCrackers · 30/12/2017 21:40

At the moment she doesn't - Mrs madevans - we'll see how she feels in future.

MyBrilliantDisguise - it's the usual Christmas switchover - one parent has them the week up to Xmas, and Xmas Eve plus the magic of Xmas morning - then we meet at lunchtime and swap. So one gets Christmas morning, while the other gets Boxing Day and New Years Eve. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Snowman41 · 30/12/2017 21:41

Why on earth did you agree he should have your daughter on Christmas Day?

Fucking hell that didn't take long did it Hmm

Believeitornot · 30/12/2017 21:43

Who advised that she should have contact?

There’s no way I’d let there be unsupervised contact unless court ordered.

Maelstrop · 30/12/2017 21:44

Unfortunately, as any copper will tell you, the Christmas holidays are one of the worst times for domestic violence incidents. People are cooped up together, expectations are rarely met, drink is usually involved.

I would not contact your ex and ask for advice from your social worker if you have one. If he wants contact, I would say tell him he’ll have to go to court to get it. Don’t voluntarily put your dd in his care again.

Original poster
KittyCrackers · 30/12/2017 21:45

The court did - they said once he had fulfilled the conditions he could have access again. When I contacted my solicitor in a panic when he got in touch after 4 years she checked his paperwork and said there was nothing we could do... Sad

we had 6 months of super awkward meeting in Pizza Express while they got used to each other again, then slowly phased in unsupervised contact. It has been a long process and it seemed to be fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyCrackers · 30/12/2017 21:46

Maelstrop can I do that? Just say No until he's been to court? He's unemployed (and possibly homeless) so would he be entitled to legal aid?

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 30/12/2017 21:49

Sorry, no, it doesn't make sense to give half of the Christmases to someone like that. He sounds an awful man - if he was a decent father then yes, of course, that would be fair, but you've learned the hard way that she should have been with you. Christmas and New Year are always times where people drink more than usual and that was always going to be a massive risk with him, with the violence etc that accompanies it.

Curlyone123 · 30/12/2017 21:50

I wish people would just be supportive rather than judgemental.

I would just let her talk. Ask her how it made her feel. Get her to do drawings of how she is feeling. It is so much better to talk about it and let her get it out of her system than bottling it up.

Good luck. She will be ok. X

AnonymousAdopter · 30/12/2017 21:51

Keep reassuring her she is safe.
Let her talk if she wants to.
Absolutely encourage talking to the counsellor.
Don't let her have nights or unsupervised contact again (and only contact if your DD wants it).

Paperdolly · 30/12/2017 21:55

You did what you thought would be OK so be kind to yourself. You weren't to know this would happen. She'll need lots of reassurance for a while and the school Counsellor will be just as good as CAMHS if not better for being more immediate.

You may need to start the court process of restricted access again IF and only IF she is willing to see him again. I wouldn't trust him personally.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/12/2017 21:55

You may have done this already but I would just ask her if there was anything she wanted to talk about or if you feel able, ask her if she wants to talk anymore about that day.

Keep reassuring her with your love, give her compliments when she’s not asking for them (I’m sure you do these things anyway) and maybe look at the nspcc website. She could be going through something similar to ptss.

Original poster
KittyCrackers · 30/12/2017 21:56

Thanks for the support, everyone - I will make sure she feels especially loved and safe from now on. She is such an amazing kid... clever, funny, talented - she doesn't deserve such a shitty father!

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 30/12/2017 22:00

Bless you my dear I hope it all works out for you both.

Hastalapasta · 30/12/2017 22:02

Bless her, so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with the pp, keep reassuring her, listen to her, be her safe place. And get legal advice about cutting contact.

Petalflowers · 30/12/2017 22:07

You sound like a great supportive mum.

The first two avenues i would consider for support for dd is the school and gp. Both should be able to refer you to appropriate counsellors.

Also, have you considered organisations such as Childline and NSPCC. Both charities have good website with good advice for parents and children.

Also, Young Minds is apparently good as well.

youngminds.org.uk

Wishing your DD all,the best for the future.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/12/2017 22:11

Why on earth did you agree he should have your daughter on Christmas Day?

No need for that judgmental and unhelpful remark Disguise

Kitty my heart aches for you and your daughter, She had just learned to trust her father again, and loves her little brother and suddenly she is plunged into terror and turmoil again. All of the emotions she experienced when your ex was abusing you will have come flooding back again. She must have been terrified - and she may also feel that she can't trust her own judgement and feelings.

All you can do is be a solid, loving base that she can trust and rely on. She may well regress to younger age behaviour - perhaps even back to the frightened four-year-old she used to be. The comments she is making to you, and her need for reassurance suggests to me that your ex may well have denigrated her - saying she was rubbish etc and now she needs to know that she isn't.

I would hope that your ex's behaviour means that he is back to square one with the courts and has to complete his anger management etc all over again. Asking to see the school counsellor its a very good idea - and if s/he can confirm that your daughter's peace of mind and self esteem have been damaged by contact with her father, then she may never have to see I'm again if she doesn't want to. She may worry about her little brother, though, and that could be difficult for you both.

Indulge her for a while - if she wants to be babied and reassured, give her what she needs (I can see that you are doing this already - please don't try to rush her, though, even if you are worried about her progress. This will take as long as it takes.)

Hoping and praying that you both get the help you need to recover from this awful experience, and that this awful man can be out of her life for at least another four years.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2017 22:11

Sympathies to you and your DD. You have done nothing wrong: the wretched man complied with all conditions previously and she was benefitting from seeing her father for some time - until he fucked up.

Believeitornot · 30/12/2017 22:13

Was it tested in the court again?

I would let him go to court to be honest and not let him see dd.

ShoesHaveSouls · 30/12/2017 22:14

You must not allow contact with him again - he has caused her so much upset.

Make sure this is documented - the arrest, the violence, the swear words she heard, and her traumatised response afterwards. Can you consult a (different) family solicitor? They shouldbe able to get hold of police reports and so on. You need to get whatever documentation you can on this to support no contact with him ever, and ideally have this reported to a social worker right now.

If he does take you to court for contact in the future, ask the judge for a CAFCASS report - your dd was exposed to domestic violence on her last visitation with him- and make sure your DD is interviewed, and make sure what she experienced is documented and passed to CAFCASS.

No way should a child witness this sort of domestic violence. This man is unstable and dangerous. My friend went through this - it was awful - but she did manage to stop any contact.

Original poster
KittyCrackers · 30/12/2017 22:16

I'm in tears here - you're all so lovely and helpful, thank you! You're right - XH fucked up, not me, so I shouldn't feel guilty about this. It's all him - it always was, yet he's managed to turn our confident, happy girl into a depressed shell of herself. That is EXACTLY what he did to me - the feeling of relief when I finally kicked him out was immense! Every day since then has been better than the last - until this sort of shit takes me right back to that feeling. I think we're over the worst of it - but he hasn't changed.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 30/12/2017 22:16

I really get the rage sometimes hearing about these women who take men back after they have been assaulted. She has put her child and his child at risk.

I am so sorry OP, to hear what your poor daughter has gone through. Somewhere, somehow, she is blaming herself for her father's behaviour. Somehow you are going to have to utterly reassure her that it was nothing to do with her, and also deal with her coming to terms with the fact that her father is violent and not a good man.

She does need to understand that last point - no child should have to do so of course. However now is the age when she needs to have the boundaries between good and bad behaviour very simply reinforced so that she can be free to walk away from shit situations as a young adult woman.