AIBU to need help - WWYD to help DD?

[KittyCrackers]

Warning - long! Name changed as this is sensitive and I am freaking out.

My 8yo DD's father has a history of abusive behaviour and did not see her for almost 4 years of her life once I had asked him to leave. He was arrested twice while she was in his care - once for driving without insurance and once for assaulting his then-girlfriend. I had threads on here both times about these (if you recognise me, please don't out my normal username). On solicitors' and social services' advice we stopped contact, until he could prove that he was not a danger to DD - and that was the last we heard from him for almost 4 years.

In January 2016 he got in touch again, out of the blue, and said that he had fulfilled all the court conditions to resume contact - ie testing for bipolar disorder (it runs in his family) and attending an anger management course. After so long I thought he had forgotten about us but he sent me proof of all of the conditions he'd met, so I had no choice but to facilitate contact again. Our school nurse arranged some counselling at this time, and it was really useful for both DD and myself to be able to talk about her new relationship with her father and she gave us both some great coping strategies at this time.

It was really awful for me in the beginning, as we had to start with supervised contact in public before progressing to unsupervised and finally overnight visits. After a few weeks of awkwardness they seemed to settle down with each other and she started to look forward to visits more. After a year all was going very well - DD was building up a great relationship with him and seemed to love going to his house he shared with his fiancee (she had taken him back after the assault mentioned above) and her new baby half brother. Until this week.

She was supposed to be with him from Christmas Day until 1 January, but I received a text message on 27 December at 06h30 asking me to come collect her, as XH and his fiancee had had a disagreement and the police were coming for him again. I went to collect her straight away and she has not been right since. She told me that XH and fiancee had been arguing a lot lately (he has been unemployed for 6 months, and she has been sole breadwinner and paying the mortgage all on her own) and she overheard them having a huge fight on the day after Boxing Day. She heard them swearing at each other (she told me the words she's heard - no 8 year old should hear names like that, it was appalling) and she heard fiancee screaming when XH picked her up and threw her against the wall. The police arrived very quickly once fiancee called 999 and took XH away, which DD witnessed herself.

She has not been the same since we got home. She is not eating, she is complaining of a stomach ache and headache all the time. She seems to be seeking reassurance and compliments constantly - saying things like "I'm the best cook ever, aren't I, Mummy?" and "people say I have great eyesight, my eyes are the best" and other attention seeking statements that are out of character to her. She is super-clingy - she wants to be on my lap or in my presence all the time. If she's not on my lap she's been shutting herself in her room - she's normally the most sociable child around, this is so unlike her. She is not herself and I am really concerned that this third police involvement, plus hearing the language and violence first hand, have had a negative effect on her. I tried to shield her from this side of him, and he assured me he'd changed, but it would appear not. I feel so guilty for letting her go back there although I was advised that I had no choice as he'd fulfilled all the court conditions - I KNEW what he was like, I should never have let it happen.

She does not want to go back to her father's at this stage - which I completely agree with - he is refusing to tell me exactly what happened, says he has to get solicitors advice first, and I suspect that he is being charged by the police this time as Fiancee did not press charges the first time it happened.

DD has asked if she can see the school counsellor again, which I've requested. How can I help her in the meantime? I am completely at sea as to how to handle this, all the old feelings of fear and anguish are coming back and I don't know what to do to help her. Or me. I do not want to take her back there EVER - can he make me? I am so stressed and guilty that I feel sick with worry for her - does anyone know of any good counselling service (preferably free, as XH hasn't paid maintenance in 6 months) that could help me with legal advice and also how to best support my darling girl?

You don't have to use a solicitor. In fact some solicitors are worse than useless. You can go to the court yourself without a solicitor and request an order, or ask for an order to be changed. You may need an emergency order.

Make sure school know what happened, and that they should call the police if he turns up.

have a look at childlawadvice.org.uk. Although the starting presumption now is that you have to allow contact and shared parenting, where there is a proven history of domestic violence you really don't, as exposure to domestic violence is recognised as a form of emotional abuse of the child.

MyBrilliant stop fucking judging, you sound like a narc, always turning something around so it is the victim’s fault, disgusting

OP you sound like a wonderful mum and I am sure your strength and love will comfort your daughter, hope the counselling helps

Has your DD spoken to the police about what she witnessed and heard?

No one should be judging you for what you've done. You've done it all the right way - slowly and in your DD's best interests. He is at fault and he has now shown he won't change. If he does take you to court for access they'll take her wishes into account.

what you do:
gp for counselling/advice for her and to get it on record. tell them the difficulties she is having and ask for advice how to help. ask for couselling services etc.

contact school to let them know what happened and ask for help with couselling. tell them the effect it has had on her, eg if she is not sleeping etc.

contact school nurse. also for advice, also a place to get it on record.

At home, praise her, she is clearly seeking approval and reassurance. give her time to recover, it will take time and maybe the help others have suggested. lots of cuddles.

when she goes to her room, you could go and take her a snack or drink or something to let her know you care. she may or may not appreciate this so play it by ear.

Another voice saying you did nothing wrong, you didn’t cause this and you couldn’t have anticipated this. I’m so sorry

Love and praise your dd, try and get in before she actively attention seeks. Find little ways to validate her in daily life. She will need all that as children are excellent at blaming themselves.

I think she is probably conflicted between love for her dad, the fright and knowing that he is dangerous. I have a four-year-old dgd going through this at the moment. My dd's ex lost his temper and attacked dd in front of their daughter. Dgd adores her father but hopefully will never see him again. My dd told dgd that this is a sickness that he has. Early days for us too.

Here in Oz the fact that your DD has been exposed to family violence would be one of the rare reasons why it would be deemed acceptable to withhold contact until Court ordered but obviously UK law is different. I would second anyone who has already said that you need decent legal advice, preferably from someone with experience dealing with Family Law matters where there is violence. It sounds like your poor DD has been traumatised by the experience and needs professional support. Poor you, it sounds like you have done everything by the book but now is the time to become tiger mama and keep your daughter safe. Xx

No advice just sending to you and your daughter. Hold her close and tell her how precious she is to you

Thank you all - we’ve had a lovely cuddly morning, lots of movies in bed and snuggles. She seems happier today but hasn’t opened up at all - at least she slept better last night!

If the contact up to now was not court ordered you dont need to do anything.
Just wait.
If she wants to see him in future then properly supervised.

If it was court ordered you dont need to rush to do anything.
You can call police next week as your dd was there to find out what has happened with your ex.
Or speak to ss. Make it clear you dont want dd to have any unsafe contact.

I've nothing to add but to say this is not yours or your daughters fault. He did this is, he has fucked everything up so the only thing you should be feeling is a senxmse of anger and determination that you will carry with you to ensure he doesn't get to do this again. Look after her, mind her,hug her. I bet she just wants to feel safe at the moment so be her constant safe person , her biggest cheerleader and her strongest advocate if courts get involved.

And get a notebook and pen and write everything down now while it's all fresh. Document everything. You might need it.

Sounds like a lovely morning. Hopefully she’ll open up to the councillor. Sounds like you’re doing a great job of making her feel loved and secure x

Echoing all the posts saying you’re doing really well.

Expect the clinginess to go on longer than you expect, iswim, and suddenly to be triggered by events or things that seem to have nothing to do with it when she’s apparently got over it. Bed wetting also a possibility.

Do try doing tasks together, children like to feel useful, proud of helping, they learn and remember..think of the number of people who say “ I always helped my mum bake bread” or “ I pricked out the seedlings with my dad”... the sense of grown upness and accomplishment is positive. I think I was taught to map read at this age, so I could navigate for my mother when she was driving, not so necessary with sat navs..but still a useful skill...

Singing in the car is another great thing to do together, funnily enough, it stops the child worrying if they have a tendency to do that because it’s hard to sing and worry at the same time.

Happy New Yeat and I hope 2018 is better for you.

I'm so sorry you and DD have to deal with this. You did nothing wrong. It's so scary and huge right now so comfort and snuggling are just right. You might bring out toys that were very comforting to her when she was younger - children can revert when stressed - did she ever play with a dollhouse? If she did, she can play and resolve the scene over and over again in a better way. The same would work with dramatic play (i.e. if she used to play kitchen) or with puppets. These are all ways that children can own a distressing event and fix it, although she's on the cusp of early childhood so it will only work if she reverts. Stories, drawings, maybe making a little animated movie would do the same thing for an older child, but she might cover it by making it about an animal family or something related but not so specific.

One of my DDs had a distressing event happen when she was 9. I revisit it with her about once a year or so by saying "do you remember when . . . ? That was not your fault and even people who love you can make huge mistakes." She understands the event differently at different ages, and recently came to understand that the adult was really wrong and I think for the first time was angry about it (she is now 16).

She doesn’t know how to process what she saw and heard and is reacting the only way she is able, thank goodness she has a mum like you

I don’t think she would need ongoing social services becuase she is safe with you. I don’t think it would hurt to mention it, maybe call the duty team once the offices are open. That way if he does try to reinstate contact they already know about it.

I do think her half brother is going to need a social worker I’m afraid, I’d love to be wrong, but it is likely that his girlfriend is not going to leave him at this point, in which case the child is at risk. The police should be referring for her brother, but things do get missed especially at the moment, every service is so stretched. In your shoes I’d be looking out for your dd half brother and suggesting that the duty team make sure he is ok. His social worker may want to talk to your daughter, I’m not sure.

I really get the rage sometimes hearing about these women who take men back after they have been assaulted. She has put her child and his child at risk

No, he has. Don't blame the victims of domestic violence for the actions of the abusers.

Im quite sure (because of personal experience) that your ex will no longer be granted any acess to your DD because he is a violent offender.
Seeing as your daughter was present at the time of the assault, that child protection are now involved and they will advise you throughout this.
Your ex wont get legal aid for matters concerning family matters/ access.
Ultimately this is entirely up to you & if you and decide that contact is no longer safe then you cut it off and go no contact.
I have no advice regarding councilling but ss should be able to help you out with this also.
Sending love x

Im quite sure (because of personal experience) that your ex will no longer be granted any acess to your DD because he is a violent offender

Don't be sure. Many known violent offenders get unsupervised access to their children. Happens every day.

We've had a rough day today - she's hardly eaten at all, a quarter of a bagel, half a slice of pizza and two bites of lasagne all day. It's almost like she's using food as a control mechanism, as she has no control over the situation with her father! I'm calling the GP as soon as they open tomorrow morning to try get an urgent appointment - although it feels wrong, as she's not ill as such, but she needs more help than I can give her. 8yo seems so young to have eating issues...

You doing the right thing seeking help.
Let her eat small amounts thru the day

You're just guilty of trying to do your best for her.

You sound lovely op, good luck at the gp's.

Hope she gets an appointment. At my gp they always say if you can’t book an appointment call when they open for one with my mental health stuff x

We had a really good day today - got a GP appointment at 09h30 and saw the main guy at the practice. I'd typed out pretty much what I'd said in my OP and he took all the details down, incl XH's name, address and contact details. He has given her some great coping tips for turning negative images and thoughts into positives, has prescribed lots of fun and milkshakes for the rest of the holidays, and DD bounced out of there feeling much better!

Re the aches and pains - she appears to have a chest infection so has some antibiotics which should help soon. She is to have lots and lots of cuddles as she is showing signs of PTSD - he was happy we were sorting out counselling at school. He said he would have to refer to SS as it was DV exposure to a child, but said he could see she was in no danger as long as contact had stopped. I agreed with this and said it would be good to have it on her record, just in case.

Such a lovely helpful man - he really listened, and spike just as much to DD as to me, and is calling us back on Friday afternoon to see how we're getting on. We also went to see Star Wars today which was epic, followed by a cheeky Nando's of which DD ate 3 chicken thighs and some chips - so a great day all around!

Brilliant! So great to know you have a brilliant gp and one rooting for you to ask for. Sounds like a positive day and great day out too. Fantastic that she ate!

You’re a brilliant mum. Well done x