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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if there's a culture of not replying nowadays or if it's just me?

62 replies

kokosnuss · 30/12/2017 20:44

I've had a couple of experiences recently which have made me wonder if it's becoming the norm just not to reply to messages or if it's just me.

The first time, a friend had asked if they could pop round as they were in the area, and I only saw the message a few hours later. I messaged back to say sorry, I'd been distracted that day as I'd found fraud on my bank account and had been busy sorting it out. No reply.

Then today, I messaged a group to let them know I couldn't make a planned gathering as I've got a migraine. No reply from anyone in the group.

I wouldn't care about a reply in every situation, but in these cases, were the tables turned, I feel I would definitely have said something like 'oh that's awful, did you get it sorted?' or 'that's a shame, hope you feel better soon'

And in case anybody asks if it's perhaps because I'm the kind of person who's always making excuses, I don't think I am, but I do know a few people who always pull out of things, and even if in my head I'm thinking 'here we go again', I always make a point of sending a polite reply. I just think it's... well... polite?

OP posts:
Ijustlovefood · 30/12/2017 20:47

YANBU

Autumnsunshinebaby · 30/12/2017 20:48

I have wondered this too!

Gwenhwyfar · 30/12/2017 20:50

I don't think I would have replied in the second example. You messaged the whole group - who was supposed to reply, all of them?

As for the first one, I suppose the conversation was irrelevant by the time you replied, but I think I would have answered.

yawning801 · 30/12/2017 20:50

Think it must be an epidemic! I've found this too!

Hassled · 30/12/2017 20:57

It's all me and I can only apologise. So if I were the OP's text recipient, I'd see the message, think "oh that's a shame - hope she's OK" and then instantly get distracted by work/the washing machine ending/what the cat's up to/any passing distraction. Hours pass and then it gets too embarrassing to reply. My New Year's resolution is to get my bloody act together with this.

thefugitive · 30/12/2017 21:00

Yes!

Someone I knew at university - not a close friend, but someone I was friendly with - messaged me to ask what it was like living in my town as they were considering moving there but didn't know the area at all.

I gave a lengthy reply with recommendations.

They read the message but didn't reply.

Clearly they moved here, as she tags herself in pictures here on fb regularly. Just found it odd that she didn't say "Great, thanks for the advice/recommendations" or similar Hmm

sothatdidntwork · 30/12/2017 21:09

yes i think so, and amongst some people even to the extent of not replying to a suggestion of a meetup if you can't make it. Which can be awkward if you don't know whether to arrange something else!

Maybe we will soon start ending texts 'this offer remains valid for the next 3 hrs....' then if you don't hear you assume it's a 'no'!

However I also remain convinced that a small number of texts never actually arrive - and then there are the ones people don't notice, so that could be the explanation as well!

vwlphb · 30/12/2017 21:11

I’m probably the person who doesn’t bother replying. I don’t love messaging, I have a busy life and when I pick up my phone I might have a dozen messages to respond to (or not).

Maybe for the bank fraud message I would have replied “Oh dear, did you get it sorted?” but for the migraine, I would probably have figured that a more enthusiastic messager in the group could cover the solicitude.

eastlondoner · 30/12/2017 21:20

I might not have replied to those either. Especially to the group one.

Argeles · 30/12/2017 21:22

I usually reply late to messages, but I always reply.

I have a friend who has recently started doing the whole not bothering to reply routine, and I’m finding it very tedious. She doesn’t even acknowledge any of the content in the previous message I’ve sent her, just ignores it and messages me with whatever she wants to moan about - so rude!

LouLouLove · 30/12/2017 21:24

i hate hate hate this, happens all the time and it's horrible. I understand messages don't always arrive at convenient times and you may have to wait to reply, but at least reply within 24 hours to say something! This is my absolute pet hate!

AhJaysus · 30/12/2017 23:13

YANBU.
Some people just have no manners at all.

IJustDontKnowAnymore1 · 30/12/2017 23:15

I'll message when I have time.
What on earth did we do before mobile phones 😂

DryIce · 30/12/2017 23:21

I guess I'm a message non replier - I may bit have responded in either of your examples. The first, because you'd replied so late the message was meaningless as the chance to pop in had passed. And the second because it was a group message stating a fact.

I think it comes down to people using messages to communicate facts or to chat. I hate chatting over messages - having to wait for the next message and reply and make small talk via text before crowbarring in an obvious close text like 'well I'm off to bed now'. I use them to send quick facts or organise something, I'll call if I want a chat

ChickenVindaloo2 · 30/12/2017 23:24

I agree. I keep a text until I've replied to it, then I delete it. The way I work my email inbox at work. So anything in my inbox, I still have to deal with. If no reply required, I delete straightaway.

I have also noticed an epidemic of people not arsing themselves to answer their phones. I work in a professional role and you wouldn't believe the people who don't answer their phones, despite being in the middle of a legal process with me. Then you end up playing phone tennis when they call back and you're not available. Answer your damn phone when it rings (if you possibly can!!)

Ivy79 · 30/12/2017 23:27

YANBU @kokosnuss

I absolutely HATE this.

This woman I know will text and say 'I am passing by your road later this morning; I will call and say hi.'

I message back and say it's not convenient as DH is in bed unwell and I am off out.

Nothing.

I don't CARE if it didn't warrant a response; it is poor etiquette and fucking rude to ignore it. In my experience, people do this when they are not getting an answer that they want to hear! Hmm

Redinthefacegirl · 30/12/2017 23:44

I find the barrage of messages overwhelming sometimes though. I try not to look at my phone much when I'm working or home with my DCs (1&3). Once they accumulate it can feel a bit of a chore. I understand why people find it rude and do try to reply but sometimes I suddenly realise I've completely failed to do so in a timely fashion.

meandmytinfoilhat · 31/12/2017 00:05

I hate this too OP.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 31/12/2017 08:00

I get overwhelmed by messages- I get hundreds a day. I also can get a bit randomly anxious about some messages too. I also have a toddler/job/husband/life all of which can be distracting!

LizzieSiddal · 31/12/2017 08:08

I think people are overloaded by SM and emails I feel a back lash is on the way. People are on Text, Email, FB, Twitter, WhatsApp, Snapchat Instagram etc etc.

How the heck can anyone keep up with all of these?

Its a good think imo that people are backing off a bit.

Doobigetta · 31/12/2017 08:14

ChickenVindaloo, my phone is for my convenience, not other people's. If I'm in the middle of something, whether that's eating, or having a conversation, or whatever, I don't answer it. Particularly if it's my personal phone rather than my business one. One of the nice things about being on my own time and living my own life is that I don't have to answer to other people, and I don't have to explain how I choose to spend my time or why. Hth.

daisychain01 · 31/12/2017 08:17

I hate the endless ping-pong back and forth of texting so avoid it like the plague, I just can't stand being the last one to text. Each text begats another text, and so it goes on. So many expectations and distractions that didn't exist before texting!

I wish there was a keyboard shortcut I could press once so I didn't have to answer lazy

lljkk · 31/12/2017 08:19

I don't have a social life, so can't comment there. Given the deluge of too much communication, I want to argue that it's a good thing people don't send lots of little replies & acknowledgements; all those extra little comments are just mental clutter for me.

However, at work: people completely ignore a huge number of emails. not just the ones from me. About important stuff, too, I try not to send chatty messages. It's just a done thing to completely not deal with requests even if they are paid to deal with them. Folk are extremely disorganised & don't make an effort.

DH is shocked by that. Says it wouldn't happen in his industry.

I only ignore emails when it's from management about something I don't want to do & know I can duck out of doing.

BeyondThePage · 31/12/2017 08:19

messages are by their very nature just that - a message from someone. Not urgent, not requiring a response, simply a message.

If you want a response you ask a question, or you phone them.

daisychain01 · 31/12/2017 08:26

People are on Text, Email, FB, Twitter, WhatsApp, Snapchat Instagram etc etc

Ahh so that's why I can't walk down our high street without someone bashing into me because they're thumbing away at their phone messaging people. It's depressing - people have got so sucked into all these communication channels and they can't keep up. Their friendships become superficial and thinly spread, trying to keep pace with their 250++ Fb Friends, WhatApp contacts etc.

I've got 5 WhatsApp friends (who I see regularly) and DH texts / emails me something funny about once every 2 weeks. All other platforms I ditched years ago, freeeeeedom!!

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