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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if there's a culture of not replying nowadays or if it's just me?

62 replies

kokosnuss · 30/12/2017 20:44

I've had a couple of experiences recently which have made me wonder if it's becoming the norm just not to reply to messages or if it's just me.

The first time, a friend had asked if they could pop round as they were in the area, and I only saw the message a few hours later. I messaged back to say sorry, I'd been distracted that day as I'd found fraud on my bank account and had been busy sorting it out. No reply.

Then today, I messaged a group to let them know I couldn't make a planned gathering as I've got a migraine. No reply from anyone in the group.

I wouldn't care about a reply in every situation, but in these cases, were the tables turned, I feel I would definitely have said something like 'oh that's awful, did you get it sorted?' or 'that's a shame, hope you feel better soon'

And in case anybody asks if it's perhaps because I'm the kind of person who's always making excuses, I don't think I am, but I do know a few people who always pull out of things, and even if in my head I'm thinking 'here we go again', I always make a point of sending a polite reply. I just think it's... well... polite?

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 31/12/2017 08:29

Those that complain that they too many messages please spare a thought for lonely people with no family/friends who never have this first world problem.

Maybe it is my age, but I am not constantly bombarded with messages. If I make an arrangement to see someone I wait until I see them to chat. I hate faffing around texting or messaging on my phone.

mogloveseggs · 31/12/2017 08:31

I have been on the giving and the receiving end. If someone texts when I’m at work I quite often forget to text back for a few days Blush

LizzieSiddal · 31/12/2017 08:31

I agree Daisy. I’m not on all those things as I don’t understand half of themXmas Hmm

As I said, there’s going to be a backlash. People are acknowledging that they are spending far too much time on their phones, there have been several threads on MN about this very thing recently. It is an addiction and thankfully people are starting to put their phones away and not look at them constantly. Mind you, you then get people complaining you are aren’t resounding to them.

BG2015 · 31/12/2017 08:37

I always reply to messages, even in a group chat I’ll comment. In fact most of the people in the group chat would.

daisychain01 · 31/12/2017 08:42

Lonicera believe me, the people with 250+++Fb Friends are very often the loneliest of all and bemoan the fact they don't have real friends. That's the modern phenomenon. Anyone looking at me nowadays, would pity me as Billy No- mates because I don't collect friends and hardly message anyone. If only more people believed in the "less is more" of friendship.

Lizzie I'm gearing up to enjoy the backlash and avoid the obstacle course down the high street Grin

LizzieSiddal · 31/12/2017 08:43

Me too Xmas Grin

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 31/12/2017 08:43

My opinion has shifted in recent years as messages and the number of different ways to contact someone have increased, but now I firmly agree with Doobigetta in that communication tools must be used for my convenience, not other peoples. Otherwise, I would never be doing anything of my own, but instead be always jumping to return an email, text, Whatsapp, fax, phone call etc (I don’t have Facebook). I slowly got into a situation where this was happening and I found I was the one suffering for it. No longer.

The number of group text messages or cc:ing into emails I am included in is excessive (both work and socially). Not everything needs a response and now I find unless someone asks me a direct question I won’t respond but will take what they have said as comment. If someone contacts me directly I do the same - does it need a response to a question or to confirm plans or do I take what they said as comment and move on.

Life is better. If people need emotional support or want to talk about things, they call me or arrange to meet up. I then focus on them exclusively and ignore texts I get in that time. I think I am a better friend for doing it this way too.

GeorgieBoy95 · 31/12/2017 08:44

I would have responded to the first message but possibly not the group message. Yes, I think it's rude not to acknowledge a text. I'm busy too but I can find a half a minute to type out a response.

My sister in law is always saying she's too busy to do things (such as respond to a text) but her house is the cleanest one you'll ever go in to - different priorities..

daisychain01 · 31/12/2017 08:46

Then today, I messaged a group to let them know I couldn't make a planned gathering as I've got a migraine. No reply from anyone in the group

This is staggering and speaks volumes. See, you've got a whole group of friends and not one of them felt thr need to see if you're OK. They probably 'outsourced' their concern to someone else, thinking there were others in the group who'd find out if you're ok they didn't need to bother. No excuse.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 31/12/2017 08:47

Daiisychain, the keyboard shortcut to.end a text or messaging convo exists:

You can send the thumbs up emoticon, or the kiss-emoji

Always works as a "bye now"

HermioneAndMsJones · 31/12/2017 08:48

I have been wondering if it’s not a reaction to the opposite - the expectation that people are available all the time and should answer within 10 mins of receiving a text.

WesternMeadowlark · 31/12/2017 08:48

I've noticed this, too.

But I think examples like those given are borderline. Some people find not replying rude, some find replying rude because it drags the conversation out into a proper chat, when maybe it wasn't before and they'd rather not have one until they have the time/energy.

Trying to tell whether the conversation is over or not is one of the things I find most stressful about texts/texting apps etc.

I try not to worry unless I asked a question in my last message.

Maybe we're still in a cultural transitional period, and in a few years time we'll have worked out a proper universal etiquette for it. God, I hope so!

stickytoffeevodka · 31/12/2017 08:50

I think it's pretty shit that you cancelled with a migraine and nobody bothered to see if you were okay! They don't sound like brilliant friends if nobody bothered to check up on you.

I don't really experience this but I don't message many people and normally only when I need a question answering and I know the person is at work or somewhere they never get signal to answer a call. I always get an answer within 24h, normally 12.

WesternMeadowlark · 31/12/2017 08:51

"in a few years time we'll have worked out a proper universal etiquette"

Ah, see, if we do, I suspect that stuff like the things 10things mentions [x-post] will be part of it. I find those really helpful.

HermioneAndMsJones · 31/12/2017 08:51

Btw I also agree that you dint need to answer to every single text or email.
However, a message from a friend saying they can’t come because they have a migraine would make me answer back. Because they are my friend.
A lengthy answer to a question I have asked would get at least a thank you.

Whereas the first message the Op is mentioning maybe didn’t need an answer as much if the people had left the town for example by the time she has seen the message and answered back.

ForalltheSaints · 31/12/2017 08:54

It is commonplace in the US not to reply, I understand from a family member who lives there, especially to any invitation. I hope this is just in the UK bad manners and not another example of our move towards becoming the 51st state.

hlr1987 · 31/12/2017 08:56

My rule is, if you didn't ask a question, it doesn't need a response! In context, I have a number of relatives who see any sort of a response (including the read tick) as a conversation and then message over and over again, so to stop and read my messages I have to have time for the inevitable phone call of "why haven't you replied, you saw I messaged you to say I couldn't decide what to have for tea". I hate my phone, it is going in the bin soon.

ZoopDragon · 31/12/2017 08:58

I think people just forget, or have a lot going on and no time to reply to every message.

PrincessoftheSea · 31/12/2017 09:00

I would have responded to both. I don't get 100s of messages so those I get I respond to. I always have 10 sec to write a reply. Agree its rude not to respond.

sothatdidntwork · 31/12/2017 09:02

forallthesaints, do you mean a no reply is equivalent to a 'no thanks I'm not available' in the US? I think that's the thing I've recently noticed (in the uk!). It's awkward because if you've suggested a particular time you then don't know whether to keep it free! so you send another 'um, did you get my text' message and start to appear unable to take a hint!

also if it's becoming normal not to reply, how will any of us know if we're being deliberately ghosted?!

still, I suppose in the past there was not replying to answerphone messages - remember answerphones? So perhaps it is not so very different from that. Overall I do find texting/e-mail very convenient to make group arrangements and so on. But I don't have any of the other things, so it is not so time consuming.

sonjadog · 31/12/2017 09:02

I hate drawn out communication via chat as I hate typing on my phone, so I often don’t respons as I don’t want to start a long conversation.

daisychain01 · 31/12/2017 09:04

I hate my phone, it is going in the bin soon

Splendid idea, maybe we can start a phone amnesty in every high street, bin the phones and go back to talking to people and using a house brick with no internet or texting I use the excuse that my phone signal where we live is dire so if anyone was thinking of texting me knows it takes days for me to reply! That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 31/12/2017 09:06

Yes - I’ve noticed this too

It’s not you - everyone just has too many messages and politeness goes out of the window

It’s also a bit of selfishness on the part of the friends - they’ll text you back when they want something!

AdultHumanFemale · 31/12/2017 09:08

I never message for a chat, only if I need to ask someone something brief. Sometimes I might send a short message of encouragement to someone who isn't well. Like so many, I might read a non-urgent chatty message, ponder a response, and then promptly get distracted by kids, cooking, whatever. I then feel too embarrassed to respond later, but still feel super guilty. It can go on for days. I'm currently hiding from FB as have a couple of PMs I haven't responded to, and don't want to be seen to be 'active' until I have responded. Urgh. But I think I might make some kind of resolution about it... Such as no MN until having dealt with the day's correspondence Grin

Lizzie48 · 31/12/2017 09:14

I get this, but then I'm guilty of it sometimes too. It happens because so many of us are bombarded with messages constantly. I see a message, don't have time to reply right then because I'm getting the tea, then later remember I haven't replied to the friend. I'm very apologetic though.