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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be anxious over this sleepover?

54 replies

jobergamot · 30/12/2017 19:37

So, DD, 9, is staying at her dad's 3 hours drive away for 4 days after Xmas. She spoke to me on phone today and said she was having a sleepover with the girl who lives next door to her dad. So this girl lives with her own Dad as a single male and there are no other other adults in the house. Am I being unreasonable to be a little bit anxious about this sleepover and the potential risk that is involved? I know nothing about this man and really don't want to sanction The Sleepover however dd's father seems to have just agreed it!

I feel aggrieved because the point of her spending 4 days after xmas is to see her father and his family, not to stay with random strangers!

OP posts:
ProjectGainsborough · 30/12/2017 19:39

I’m sure it’s ok, but I’d feel the same as you, given that you’ve never met the man! Could you suggest to xh that he hosts the sleepover?

cardibach · 30/12/2017 19:40

It’s 4 days. It’s nice for her to have some friends at her dad’s if she is going to spend time there. Also, it’s her dad’s decision what happens while she’s with him.
I k8nd of get your concern, but I think it’s almost certainly misplaced.

saoirse31 · 30/12/2017 19:40

Well he's hardly random if they're next door. Does ur dd know girl well, does she want to go?

Given he's her dad, presumably he's as entitled as u to decide on sleepover.

Original poster
jobergamot · 30/12/2017 19:44

He's actually not as entitled as me to decide as he doesn't have PR as he is not on birth cert. I suggested him hosting it to my DD but they decided her room there was too small.

Really anxious and annoyed about this.

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/12/2017 19:49

What is the potential risk involved?

saoirse31 · 30/12/2017 19:52

Does ur dd want to sleepover?

saoirse31 · 30/12/2017 19:53

Why is he not on birth cert? Is ur decision or his?

FlakeBook · 30/12/2017 19:54

Would you be as anxious if ye girl next door lived alone with her mum and no other adult?

I think YABU I'm afraid. Her dad knows these people. And it's good for her to have friends there. Unless you have reason to be concerned about her dad's judgement I think YABU to expect to vet everyone she comes into contact with.

I would say that the idea of contact is to spend time with her dad, yes, but also to build a normal life with him, which includes activities and play dates and sleepovers, just as her time with you will. Having that life there will enrich her relationship with her dad, surely?

Marcine · 30/12/2017 19:57

I would feel anxious too.

Men are more likely to carry out sexual assaults than women, that is why the OP is concerned about a lone male.

WinterWanderer · 30/12/2017 19:57

You are right to feel concerned that your DD is in the care of a someone you don't know.

However, if your DD's dad is responsible (he should be because you've trusted him to care for her), he should be as a good judge of character as you are.

Heratnumber7 · 30/12/2017 19:58

I have a Brownie who spends one of her two "Dad evenings" each week at Brownies.

She also belongs to a Brownie unit in the town where she lives with her mum.

Would you say her Dad should keep her at home all evening? Or make friends at her second home too?

IHaveBrilloHair · 30/12/2017 20:00

Either you feel her Dad is responsible or not.
The birth certificate is neither here or there.

saoirse31 · 30/12/2017 20:01

Yeah, if you've decided her dad is fine to have her for four days, then I think you have to expect him to make good decisions and not second guess everything. Unless there's long dripfeed coming...

Snowman41 · 30/12/2017 20:02

What has the birth certificate got to do with it?

Your DD is spending time at her dads. You have to trust him to make the right decisions for her. You can't say he can have her but must run everything by you because he isn't on the birth certificate.

Can you maybe tell us what it is that you are concerned about? Is it that you think your DD will be uncomfortable having a sleepover with a new friend? Or do you think the new freinds dad is a paedophile?

littletinyme1 · 30/12/2017 20:06

No. You need to discuss how child's dad has made the decision to allow a 9yo to stay the house with two strangers. FFS. Regardless of what others are saying, i wouldn't. Do you trust Dad's judgement, if not she shouldn't be with him either!

Original poster
jobergamot · 30/12/2017 20:08

It's not that I think friend's dad is a paedophile but a single male in the house does make me more nervous than if it were a single mum. I dont see why it has to be a sleepover, why not just have tea and a play together! It's not like she spends more than about 10 nights a year with her dad.

I mentioned the birth cert only to illustrate the face that he does not have PR for her and I do actually feel like he should have run a decision like this by me first.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 30/12/2017 20:09

@jobergamot If your DD's Dad wanted to veto her staying at a friend's house when she was with you, because he hadn't met the parent, what would your response be?

RavenWings · 30/12/2017 20:09

Yabu. If her dad is good enough to mind her for 4 days, he's good enough to make a judgement call on whether or not to permit the sleep over. If you don't trust his judgement, she shouldn't be with him.

Saying "oh he's not on the BC, he's not good enough to make these decisions" is pathetic and overlly controlling of the father.

TatianaLarina · 30/12/2017 20:10

Can you suggest the girl over with DD at your ex’s rather than next door?

Why have her for 4 days and then have her sleep next door? Unless he wants to go to the pub?

JaneEyre70 · 30/12/2017 20:10

Do you know how well she knows this girl? Have they met frequently or is this a new friendship? If she's known her a while, I'd be a bit more relaxed about it. Can you try and explain your concerns to him?

Whereisthegin1978 · 30/12/2017 20:13

If you don't trust his judgement then you are not being unreasonable. I would feel uncomfortable if it was my daughter - lone male, female, couple. She is still staying at a home and you have no idea who they are.

Zatsuma · 30/12/2017 20:14

Whilst I think some posters on this forum are completely hysterical about "Men" and the danger they represent, I would share your unease. No one wants their child with a total stranger.

Posters are unfair, if you were still in a relationship with your DD's dad, you would have both discussed it before agreeing or not. You are unreasonable at all. As above ,do you trust her dad? I am sure he made the right call.

Of course you hear that most abuse are made by someone close to the family, but there's a long process involved. Your daughter will be with her little friend, her dad is right next door, she will be fine. Does she have a phone with her? Just remind her she can call you any time, but don't frighten her!

Rubyredslippers44 · 30/12/2017 20:18

If you’re not happy with it, say No.

WinterWanderer · 30/12/2017 20:26

You are right to feel concerned that your DD is in the care of a someone you don't know.

However, if your DD's dad is responsible (he should be because you've trusted him to care for her), he should be as a good judge of character as you are.

Original poster
jobergamot · 30/12/2017 20:26

@flisspaps, he "visits" her 10 days or so a year; i am sole parent 355+ days a year. He doesn't get to make decisions like that about what I sanction.

I'm going to let it go for tonight, she has her phone and I've told her to call me if any problems. But I'm going to tell him how I feel about it for future reference.

OP posts: