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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be anxious over this sleepover?

54 replies

jobergamot · 30/12/2017 19:37

So, DD, 9, is staying at her dad's 3 hours drive away for 4 days after Xmas. She spoke to me on phone today and said she was having a sleepover with the girl who lives next door to her dad. So this girl lives with her own Dad as a single male and there are no other other adults in the house. Am I being unreasonable to be a little bit anxious about this sleepover and the potential risk that is involved? I know nothing about this man and really don't want to sanction The Sleepover however dd's father seems to have just agreed it!

I feel aggrieved because the point of her spending 4 days after xmas is to see her father and his family, not to stay with random strangers!

OP posts:

ObscuredbyFog · 30/12/2017 20:26

Role reversal. If your ex decides to host the sleepover at his, then the neighbour's daughter's Mum could well have the same concerns about your ex as you have about the male neighbour.

What would you advise her to do?

Zatsuma · 30/12/2017 20:29

What would you advise her to do?

The other mother could say no.
There are quite a few sleepovers I declined for my kids, for various reasons, whilst my hubby would have been ok. A parent can do what they feel is best for the child.

BewareOfDragons · 30/12/2017 20:31

Out of curiosity, how would you feel if the mum of the little girl who lives next door to your DH wrote what you wrote. As in, she being uncomfortable with her DD staying overnight with your DD at her dad's house just because he was a male adult rather than a female adult.

Because that's what this is about.

And your DD's dad thinks this is ok. Surely he gets to judge other grown ups' suitability, just as you would, unless there's a backstory?

Amatree · 30/12/2017 20:35

OP if you trust him enough to have your daughter for four days you are effectively giving him parental responsibility for that time, so you have to trust him to make these kind of decisions. If you don't, I don't think you should be sending her off to stay with him.

HermioneAndMsJones · 30/12/2017 20:35

The thing is you have in effect left your dd in loco parentis with her dad. You have trusted him to look after her and take decisions about her.

You need to actually trust him. He might well find himself taking decisions that are much more serious than a sleepover.

My gut feeling though is that your main issue is that he hardly seeing his dd dur8ng the year and has decided to let her go to a sleepover whilst she is with him. So spending less time with her again.
I suspect THIS is what you have a problem with more than The sleepover.

Unless you really d8ntdontdont trust his judgement and in this case, you shouldnt leave your dd with him.

ShoesHaveSouls · 30/12/2017 20:45

I'm going to be totally here, OP - I have a DD who has just turned 10. I would not allow this. I would be extremely uneasy letting her stay the night with a man I didn't know.

I know lots of MNetters are all "oh but he's an equal parent, oh men aren't all paedophiles" on here - but for me, just no. She wouldn't stay the night with a man I have never met.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 30/12/2017 20:45

I think it's a bit off to pack your child off on a sleepover when you only have them for four days, irregardless of the sleepover setup itself, tbh.

CaptainHarville · 30/12/2017 20:45

I don't think it's just about the dad not spending time with his daughter he may not have ever thought about the risks of a sleep over. I was very relaxed about them and DS1 has been on several. Reading mumsnet has made me think and my other younger children will not be going on sleepovers until they are much older. I can imagine her Dad being a mainly absent parent won't have thought about it one bit.

OP YANBU and I would definitely speak to her Dad.

AskBasil · 30/12/2017 20:53

I wouldn't let my 10 year old daughter stay overnight in the home of a single man I didn't know.

MynewnameisKy · 30/12/2017 20:58

I wouldn't let my 10 year old daughter stay overnight in the home of a single man I didn't know.

I wouldn't either. Why would your Dd even want to?

Snowman41 · 30/12/2017 21:03

I wouldn't let my 10 year old daughter stay overnight in the home of a single man I didn't know.

Because only men, single ones at that, pose risks.

What the actual!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 30/12/2017 21:06

Statistically they pose significantly more risk, don't be disingenuous, please...

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 30/12/2017 21:07

Men in general, that is...

Original poster

jobergamot · 30/12/2017 21:11

I think it's a bit off to pack your child off on a sleepover when you only have them for four days, irregardless of the sleepover setup itself, tbh.

greyhound exactly.....that's the nub of it for me. I'm so bloody annoyed about it!

OP posts:

Original poster

jobergamot · 30/12/2017 21:13

And to be honest, if she was 30 mins away not 3 hours away, i'd drove round to pick her up myself tonight. Fuming.

OP posts:

Fatso1978 · 30/12/2017 21:17

They live next door. I bet the girls are to and fro all the time. So he probably sees her plenty.

Your daughter is with her Father. You don't get to tell him what to do during his visitation, regardless of being on the birth certificate or not.

It is enough that her Father knows and deems the man in the next house to be safe for his daughter to visit and stay over.

Leave them alone. You get to parent 355 days a year. Don't be so controlling.

And you'll probably find there are just as many if not more married men who are pedophiles than single. Read the newspapers. I hate house society is putting nonstop fear into our kids. Any wonder anxiety issues are through the roof.

Snowman41 · 30/12/2017 21:25

I think it's a bit off to pack your child off on a sleepover when you only have them for four days, irregardless of the sleepover setup itself, tbh.

greyhound exactly.....that's the nub of it for me. I'm so bloody annoyed about it!

So OP, you admit you are pissed off that she is at the sleepover rather than being wth her dad, as apposed to being worried about the person who's house she is sleeping over at.

This makes you sound like a child yourself. So bloody what if she is sleeping over during 'his' time. Surely to fuck anyone would be pleased their child had freinds and was carrying on as normal while at her dads. Good god I went to my dads one weekend a month and 30 years on am still in regular contact with some of the freinds I made then.

You seriously need to step back. Right back.

I thought this post was bad enough when I was under the impressions that you were worried about the risk of the other child's dad, but Jesus Christ, you are posed because he has let her make a friend instead of sitting watching tv with him. Ridiculous.

Thehogfather · 30/12/2017 21:48

Yabu. A single man is no more likely to be a paedophile than one with a resident partner.

pinkbraces · 30/12/2017 21:56

Are you normally an anxious parent? I think you are massively overreacting. If you don’t trust his judgement then don’t let him have your DD, otherwise you should relax. It’s a sleepover, that’s it.

Ontheboardwalk · 30/12/2017 23:21

jober I think you’re getting wrongly a hard time.

If your DC only spends 10 nights a week at her dads he’s not going to see the girl next door and her father plenty.

If he can’t spend 10 nights a year without farming her off to people she doesn’t know - I agree that’s not right

Ontheboardwalk · 30/12/2017 23:22

10 nights a year not a week!

ShoesHaveSouls · 30/12/2017 23:39

Very wrong to make out this is 'anxiety' - what parent would allow their 9yr old to have a sleepover with a man they'd never met? I wouldn't.

The father in this case doesn't have equal rights or responsibility - he has her for 10 nights a year. OP may trust him to have her on a few overnights - that doesn't mean she trusts his next door neighbour.

Mxyzptlk · 30/12/2017 23:52

Some people are short on common sense. If OP thinks her child's dad is one of those people and may have misjudged this situation, it's not up to mumsnet to tell her she's wrong as we don't know him.

OP, try not to worry and do make your views clear to your DD's dad for the future. That could include him not leaving DD with any mates of his in the daytime, too. (Just trying to think ahead.)

Seriouslyjuicy · 30/12/2017 23:58

I wouldnt allow that. I would go and get her

becotide · 31/12/2017 00:00

If she was born after December 2003, he does have PR.

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