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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think mental health is more important than a degree

80 replies

user1492786507 · 30/12/2017 19:23

I'm starting this thread partly to vent but partly to ask your advice. My daughter started university in 2015 and really, really hated it. She's naturally very bubbly, confident and social but for some reason she just didn't find her place at uni. I began to see her getting more quiet, withdrawn and generally losing all her confidence and sparkle. She would say that she would go days without talking to anyone which is so unlike her. When she would come home she would quickly return to normal but would dread going back. She persevered for two years as all of the career paths she was interested in needed a degree and she didn't mind the course itself. In April she decided that she was going to take a leave of absence as she could see that she was becoming depressed and extremely unhappy. She is now living and working abroad and absolutely loving it. I'm so happy to see her having the time of her life. She has met great friends and doesn't mind the job too much. Whenever we talk about going back to uni you can see that she is terrified (and I don't mean that in a over-the-top way) - she's scared about becoming so unhappy that she becomes mentally ill but she's also scared that if she doesn't come back then she won't have a degree. She doesn't make much money at her current job and there's no career advancement either. She knows the sort of career she wants to have in the future but at what sacrifice? We have looked at changing universities but they all have limited spaces and she would have to go back another year meaning that her school friends would have graduated while she would be just entering second year. Re-doing a year also means paying for another year of uni which we really can't do. I just feel like she is having to chose between her mental health and her future / her career. Do you have any advice? Is there an option we have missed?
Thanks in advance

OP posts:

foodfrax · 30/12/2017 19:30

Well if she’s happy now then perhaps it’s not worth it, money isn’t everything. But university is going to provide the greatest support with her mental health than any time in her future.

LEMtheoriginal · 30/12/2017 19:32

Unless this degree is essential for something your dd is desperate to do why on earth would she even consider going back?

A degree isn't the be all and end all employment wise. She's put herself out there and worked abroad and that demonstrates resourcefulness and balls! Far more attractive qualities than A degree I can tell you. I've got both a degree and PhD and I would never have been brave enough to do what your dd has done.

Oh andi m retraining at a level not even degree level. I LOVE my job and wish I did it years ago. Ok the money is pants but i. Much happier. I suffer with anxiety and high fly I g isn't for me! But everyday I count my blessings to finally found something I love Doing.

Isetan · 30/12/2017 19:34

What specifically about uni is she having problems with?

SerPants · 30/12/2017 19:35

Open University? She may be able to transfer credits from her previous uni study. She could also carry on working at the same time if she wanted to.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/12/2017 19:36

Have you looked into doing the final year with Open University? I think they would give her credit for the years already done, which would give her enough Credits for a degree, if the system is still the same.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/12/2017 19:36

Cross posts with Ser..

manicinsomniac · 30/12/2017 19:38

Was it definitely university in general that caused the depression.

If she had clinical depression then she would have struggled at that particular time regardless of where she was and what she was doing.

If she had situational depression then it might have been the particular university, the place, the people she was around, something that happened at the time, the course ... or anything really.

It doesn't mean that if she came back to a different course at a different university now that she is in a good place mentally that she wouldn't thrive and get a good qualification.

I have mental illnesses - before, during and after university. I cope fairly well - but a large part of that ability to cope comes from the fact that I am able to earn enough money through a fulfilling job. If I didn't have a degree I wouldn't be able to that and, if my days were empty or boring, I know I would struggle so much more.

Original poster

user1492786507 · 30/12/2017 19:42

Foodfrax I totally agree - making money is absolutely not everything and I don't think its factoring into her decision at all. I think she's thinking of what careers she will actually enjoy doing in the future and give her the most job satisfaction.

Isetan - she hates the town itself, its very small and claustrophobic. She hasn't met anyone she clicks with and so the social life is difficult for her too. In hindsight she is very much a city person who likes to be out and surrounded by people. She likes to go out to bars and clubs but the social scene at her uni is focused on events like fancy balls etc (kind of giving away the uni here!)

OP posts:

FlakeBook · 30/12/2017 20:01

Ok, is it Oxbridge?

In which case there are plenty of people who do like clubbing and London is round the corner.

But she clearly hasn't found her place there. I would advise changing uni. Are you sure she would have to go back a year? Have you spoken to the uni admissions officers for advice?

It won't matter a jot that her school friends graduate a different year...that shouldn't be a concern.

As for paying...can she get a student loan and a part time job? Or study part time and work? There are many options.

Or Open University, as others have suggested.

WeirdCatLady · 30/12/2017 20:01

I would definitively look into the open university. Sounds like it would work well for her.

Original poster

user1492786507 · 30/12/2017 20:10

I think the open university would be good for her, I'll suggest it to her. No, its not Oxbridge

OP posts:

HerRoyalNotness · 30/12/2017 20:13

Plenty of Uni's offer online study these days. Just find the one that offers her course and try to get her credits transferred. I'm doing a business degree though Essex Uni, so it doesn't have to be the Online U.

I chose mine as I don't have exams, it's all course work and projects which suits me so much better.

HerRoyalNotness · 30/12/2017 20:13

open U

user1495997773 · 30/12/2017 20:16

Is it Durham? It certainly sounds like when I was there...

Cherrycokewinning · 30/12/2017 20:16

This really resonated with me- I chose the wrong uni and although I stuck it out (stubborb) I remember sobbing with relief to my parents when I got my results that it was over

I would say there is no hurry at all to come back and study (or indeed study there) but it seems really unlikely that it’s the degree or study itself, just that’s she’s not at the right time in her life or she was at the wrong uni. I wouldn’t dismiss it.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 30/12/2017 20:17

She could go to a different uni? I went to Sheffield and hated it. Completed my degree elsewhere much more happily.

manicinsomniac · 30/12/2017 20:20

It sounds like Durham to me.

Lots of great support for mental illness there. Plus outlets for every kind of interest and group of people imaginable I would think. Lots of students spend a lot of time going out in Newcastle.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 30/12/2017 20:21

Unless this degree is essential for something your dd is desperate to do why on earth would she even consider going back?

This^^. I’ve got a degree which just sits happily in a drawer somewhere. I went to a really good university too. The only reason I don’t regret going to university is because of the amazing experience I had. I got to live abroad, (your dd already does that), made amazing friends and had a brilliant time. If your dd is going to be miserable and it isn’t something like medicine where a degree is essential, then I definitely wouldn’t bother. It’s so expensive now, compared to when I was there about 10 years ago and there seem to be few guarantees of graduate jobs at the end of it.

ArchchancellorsHat · 30/12/2017 20:23

I was going to suggest the Open University as well. You used to be able to transfer credits for previous study, check if you still can. It takes a lot of discipline - I didn't get on with it but it's a good university.

Wanderingbluebell · 30/12/2017 20:23

University experience can be very different depending on where you go. A while ago now, but my cousin started a very academic degree at a university with a great reputation but found it very snobby and didn’t settle at all. She managed one year but had depression. She got treatment for the depression and transferred to a uni closer to home and a different course. She was much happier and came out with a first. Hasn’t looked back career-wise.

TheBananaStand2 · 30/12/2017 20:24

Lots of universities offer distance learning, and part time degrees, as well as online courses, now which would mean she wouldn't have to live near the university. And there are also evening universities (e.g. Birkbeck, in London) so she could work and study at the same time in a more grown up/ professional environment, if that appealed more than traditional student life. But if she knows what she enjoys doing, and it's a sustainable job (i.e. not one that you can only do when youthful!), that's invaluable. Good on her!

Els1e · 30/12/2017 20:24

What line of work does she want? What about a degree apprenticeship? Or perhaps taking a degree at a local FE college.

RavingRoo · 30/12/2017 20:27

I couldn’t do a degree the first time round because my uni wouldn’t accomodate my caring responsibilities despite my being a 1st class student. They were so patronizing about it too. So I dropped out. Then when the person I was caring for, I was detetermined to get the investment banking career I wanted without a degree. I managed it (work in a field where others have msc degrees) and now my employer is paying me to have a bsc degree with the open university and a msc with Oxbridge afterwards. The OU’s support and flexibility is amazing. They get that getting a degree is only a small part of real life and really support you to do it- strongly suggest she considers them if not already done so. The days when the OU was considered a lesser option is well gone (especially in banking).

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/12/2017 20:28

If she made it as far as April then presumably she has done most of the work - it is just a question of revision and exams?

So she could go back this April (having already done a load of revision so she is confident she hasn’t forgotten the course), sort out when the exams are, maybe come home for revision and go back and sit the exams and be home by June.

She will then have Second year passed and will have far more options as to whether to go to a different uni, to do open university or investigate whether the qualification can be turned into an HND or something. (My BIL did a two year HND and then did an extra year and turned the HND into a degree.)

Walkingtowork · 30/12/2017 20:29

Bet it's Durham, I was MISERABLE there. I'm normally very upbeat. If so, encourage her to visit Newcastle as much as possible

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