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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think mental health is more important than a degree

80 replies

user1492786507 · 30/12/2017 19:23

I'm starting this thread partly to vent but partly to ask your advice. My daughter started university in 2015 and really, really hated it. She's naturally very bubbly, confident and social but for some reason she just didn't find her place at uni. I began to see her getting more quiet, withdrawn and generally losing all her confidence and sparkle. She would say that she would go days without talking to anyone which is so unlike her. When she would come home she would quickly return to normal but would dread going back. She persevered for two years as all of the career paths she was interested in needed a degree and she didn't mind the course itself. In April she decided that she was going to take a leave of absence as she could see that she was becoming depressed and extremely unhappy. She is now living and working abroad and absolutely loving it. I'm so happy to see her having the time of her life. She has met great friends and doesn't mind the job too much. Whenever we talk about going back to uni you can see that she is terrified (and I don't mean that in a over-the-top way) - she's scared about becoming so unhappy that she becomes mentally ill but she's also scared that if she doesn't come back then she won't have a degree. She doesn't make much money at her current job and there's no career advancement either. She knows the sort of career she wants to have in the future but at what sacrifice? We have looked at changing universities but they all have limited spaces and she would have to go back another year meaning that her school friends would have graduated while she would be just entering second year. Re-doing a year also means paying for another year of uni which we really can't do. I just feel like she is having to chose between her mental health and her future / her career. Do you have any advice? Is there an option we have missed?
Thanks in advance

OP posts:

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 30/12/2017 20:30

@walking

A lovely friend of mine had a terrible time at Durham too! Maybe a common experience there .

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 30/12/2017 20:32

Another vote for Durham. Or St Andrews.

user1495997773 · 30/12/2017 20:35

I was thoroughly miserable at Durham, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in not having had an amazing time at uni! I agree that Newcastle is much nicer (DH went there), or how about Leeds or Manchester, they will all give her more of a 'city' lifestyle if she's sure she wants to go off to uni again.

Walkingtowork · 30/12/2017 20:36

TheDaily maybe I'm the friend! I'm lovely

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 30/12/2017 20:37

It made me depressed, bloody weird place.

Original poster

user1492786507 · 30/12/2017 20:38

Mumoftwoyoungkids - She decided she was going to leave in April but still sat her exams in May. She came home to study and then travelled up for her exams.

She went to St Andrews so has another 2 years left to do as her degree takes 4 years to complete. Thanks for all the replies, I think the Open University sounds like a great option for her. This way she can live and work in a city while getting her degree which I'm sure will appeal to her

OP posts:

starzig · 30/12/2017 20:38

Could she do the same course more local and stay at home. If she is susceptible to being a bit unhappy then not having the career she wants may leave her feeling stuck in a rut later in life.

billybagpuss · 30/12/2017 20:38

Another vote for OU she can even do it from where she is now

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 30/12/2017 20:39

Though, lovely friend is now a sahm, so I’m guessing by your username that you aren’t her.

Original poster

user1492786507 · 30/12/2017 20:40

Wow, surprised at all the people unhappy at Durham I do think St Andrews and Durham are very similar socially though

OP posts:

thenightsky · 30/12/2017 20:42

I'm currently trying to get DS interested in OU. He dropped out of Lancaster with severe depression at the Xmas time of his 2nd year.

manicinsomniac · 30/12/2017 20:42

I wonder if Durham is a love it or hate it thing. This is the first time I've heard it remembered negatively but I suppose people are likely to have had similar experiences to their friends. My 4 years at Durham were the best of my life, despite being pretty severely mentally ill throughout, being pregnant and having a baby! Amazing place, amazing people and amazing support imo.

A few years ago I had a much younger friend who went there and had a very difficult first term. I went up to see her but felt really lost as to how to help her because it was hard for me to imagine unhappiness in a place that held so many cherished memories for me. She was depressed, I think. Once she had the appropriate help or medications (I'm not sure what, we weren't that close) she loved her 2nd and 3rd years.

ZipItZebedee · 30/12/2017 20:42

She is still young. There is no reason she can't go to university in a few years time. Plenty do.

Is there a local Uni?

Has she really looked at alternative routes to employment. If she is very bright then there are probably lots of options for her.

manicinsomniac · 30/12/2017 20:44

Having said that, I think it is a very different place now that the student union has become practically derelict - it seems to have lost of it's heart and soul and become a lot more serious/academic (probably due to all the top up fees making students take it more seriously!)

Eltonjohnssyrup · 30/12/2017 20:45

Oh gosh. St Andrews. Home of the social climber!

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 30/12/2017 20:45

I suppose people are likely to have had similar experiences to their friends

I loved university, (Bath). So much so, I spent 5 years there ! But my friend had a terrible time at Durham. Another friend had a terrible time, to begin with, at St Andrew’s, but then absolutely loved it. Oxbridge seems to be a love it or hate it culture too I think.

manicinsomniac · 30/12/2017 20:46

I think St Andrews is 'concentrated Durham' if that makes sense - even smaller, even harder to get to big cities, even more history, tradition and formal activities and even less chance of walking down a street without having to stop to talk to 5 different people you know.

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 30/12/2017 20:47

Oh Christ St Andrews is as weird as Durham but further away from escape and with much less sunlight in winter.

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 30/12/2017 20:50

Loved Durham at first because of all the public schoolboys looking beautiful and being charming.

You get over that though....

Your daughter INBU

appella · 30/12/2017 20:51

Another vote for online - look around as lots of unis offer online options for study. Again, if it's not crucial to the path she wants to take is look at work based options x

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 30/12/2017 20:51

A Durham-hating friend became a v senior professor at Durham. Still hates the place and says it's even worse.

BlackRod6 · 30/12/2017 20:52

Has she got good mental support at the university? Seeing a GP?

I was in a very similar position when I went to university, and the last year was really really difficult. But I got my degree in the end, and got a job I wouldn't have got without it. It was hell though. Does she absolutely need a degree for her career choice?

What kinds of people/activities does she like (I know you said clubbing but anything else?)

LittleMissNaice · 30/12/2017 20:56

Oh dear, I think we may need to start a Durham support group. Hill or Bailey?

OP, I’d say support her to do whatever makes her happiest for now. There’s always the opportunity to go back to university in the future if she decides that’s what she wants. (And you sound a lovely Mum)

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 30/12/2017 21:04

We could have a joint Durham/St Andrews survivors club.

Bailey.

spaghettithrower · 30/12/2017 21:07

I just knew it was going to be St. Andrews. I went there for postgrad and ended up dropping out. I absolutely hated every minute - too small, no one I could really click with, absolutely loads of people who thought they were God's gift and people (like me) who had graduated from other universities were no where near as good etcetc.
My mental health suffered and I am still living with the consequences to this day as the entire thing ruined my career chances in a field I was set on. I had to start again from nothing.
See about the OU as others have suggested or changing university even though it will be difficult with the extra fees or consider whether she really needs a degree at all and whether she could use her experience abroad to get into some other career.
Don't send her back to that horrible place.

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