Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mental health is more important than a degree

80 replies

user1492786507 · 30/12/2017 19:23

I'm starting this thread partly to vent but partly to ask your advice. My daughter started university in 2015 and really, really hated it. She's naturally very bubbly, confident and social but for some reason she just didn't find her place at uni. I began to see her getting more quiet, withdrawn and generally losing all her confidence and sparkle. She would say that she would go days without talking to anyone which is so unlike her. When she would come home she would quickly return to normal but would dread going back. She persevered for two years as all of the career paths she was interested in needed a degree and she didn't mind the course itself. In April she decided that she was going to take a leave of absence as she could see that she was becoming depressed and extremely unhappy. She is now living and working abroad and absolutely loving it. I'm so happy to see her having the time of her life. She has met great friends and doesn't mind the job too much. Whenever we talk about going back to uni you can see that she is terrified (and I don't mean that in a over-the-top way) - she's scared about becoming so unhappy that she becomes mentally ill but she's also scared that if she doesn't come back then she won't have a degree. She doesn't make much money at her current job and there's no career advancement either. She knows the sort of career she wants to have in the future but at what sacrifice? We have looked at changing universities but they all have limited spaces and she would have to go back another year meaning that her school friends would have graduated while she would be just entering second year. Re-doing a year also means paying for another year of uni which we really can't do. I just feel like she is having to chose between her mental health and her future / her career. Do you have any advice? Is there an option we have missed?
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
user1495997773 · 30/12/2017 21:07

Littlemissnaice, I was Hill, not posh enough for Bailey! I came from a comprehensive in the middle of a council estate where I was very happy Grin

Walkingtowork · 30/12/2017 21:10

I'm in! I was up on the hill. Just remember a weird sense of bleakness, and being puzzled at being looked down on by the rahs (couldn't see the logic, I was just a normal person. With hindsight I didn't really understand class issues at all)

I used to live for the holidays so I could see my real friends. I wonder if it would be more survivable now when you can be in daily contact with them? Though 2 more years is a long time.

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 30/12/2017 21:10

I pretended to be posh to fit in on the Bailey...

Ended up with alopecia

Weezol · 30/12/2017 21:12

We had a temp at work who was at St Andrews. She was working with us until her new teaching position began. At 25 she could comfortably handle a class full of gobby teens but said that St Andrews represented the worst three years of her life.

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 30/12/2017 21:13

My roommate and I hung out with the Rahs (do you remember how the women flicked their hair and they had all been in the OTC?)

We were immature: it took a long time to realise we were not actually their friends.

LittleMissNaice · 30/12/2017 21:15

Ah, the rahs. They used to have lovely pashminas.

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 30/12/2017 21:19

Yes, the pashminas, the tweed jackets. They had all been on gap years to Peru. In the 19 brimming 80s.... they used to throw money into people's gardens shouting "we've got lots of money"

For those who think these places have changed, I give you...
metro.co.uk/2017/11/28/student-rugby-club-suspended-indefinitely-for-miners-vs-thatcher-party-7114192/

Original poster
user1492786507 · 30/12/2017 21:20

too small, no one I could really click with, absolutely loads of people who thought they were God's gift

This was exactly her experience. Couldn't have summed it up better myself spaghettithrower

OP posts:
blondiebea · 30/12/2017 21:24

Can I ask what she does abroad?

And what is her degree in, is it necessary an job she thinks she may want to do?

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 30/12/2017 21:25

Was it a modern foreign language?

Original poster
user1492786507 · 30/12/2017 21:34

She is an Au Pair in the USA blondiebea

OP posts:
frogsoup · 30/12/2017 21:34

I haven't been to either myself, but a friend was there and flicky hair, pashminas, tweeds and expensive travel seemed the order of the day from what I could see. It looked way posher, more snobby and less diverse than Oxbridge!

frogsoup · 30/12/2017 21:35

Sorry, I meant either Durham or st a, but friend was at latter.

museumum · 30/12/2017 21:35

I thought it would be st Andrews. I’ve heard of students living in Dundee and bussing in for lectures. Dundee is small but very “City”. Massive music scene, arty etc.

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 30/12/2017 21:38

" It looked way posher, more snobby and less diverse than Oxbridge!"

Yep. Lived in Cambridge afterwards and couldn't believe how down to earth it was in comparison...

RavingRoo · 30/12/2017 21:47

My friend was there at the same time Prince William was. There is a real divide in uni (and private) accomodation between rich and poor - a lot of the houses for normal students were really poor quality, and activities seemed to be geared toward the ‘yas’.

ChristmasEnthusiast · 30/12/2017 23:20

I knew as soon as you said "she's a city girl". Leaving St Andrews is the one decision I know was right for me. (I was a 2001 fresher (sorry, bejant) too. Don't think I know Ravingroo though!)

St Andrews is not university life. It's a club. Either you fit, you act to fit or you depress yourself trying to fit. Half the town is on anti-depressants. People judge every word, Every movement, Every thought. It's exhausting, it's stifling. Life in a fish tank.

Mental health is absolutely more important than a degree, but please don't let your daughter believe uni isn't for her just because St Andrews wasn't a good fit.
I've an undergrad degree and post grad from 2 different unis. I've never felt the way I did at St Andrews again.

user1497863568 · 30/12/2017 23:23

Yes, YADNBU. Uni turned me from quite a sociable, happy kid into a miserable conspiracy theorist who felt everything was rigged against us. I did exceptionally well too.

Weezol · 30/12/2017 23:24

Roo - my temp colleague was also there at that point. Apparently he was alright but there were a lot of grim sloanes and hooray henrys. Beige cargo trews were considered 'edgy'.

Fibbertigibbet · 30/12/2017 23:30

I think it depends what your DD wants from life.

I was like her in that university was horrendous for my mental health, particularly the first two years when the finish line wasn't in sight, and it damn near broke me. I am glad I stuck it out because when I realised what I actually did want to do it required another degree which I would not be allowed to do without completing my first one. I'm now back at university and having a totally different experience- well settled, friends, enjoying my course etc. Of course your mental health is more important than your degree (I have already forgotten probs 70% of what was in my undergrad and I only graduated 5 years ago), but if she has a particular idea of a direction or even is considering things which might require her degree in the future it's worth weighing up.

spaghettithrower · 31/12/2017 13:06

Someone above mentioned living in Dundee and going on the bus for lectures. Is that an idea to help her finish the last two years?
When I was there I spent a lot of time in Dundee and although it isn't the biggest town in the world it is way more fun than St. Andrews.
My cousin went to Dundee to study and had an amazing time there.

museumum · 31/12/2017 14:32

Am I right in thinking she's only completed one semester and left during second semester first year? And now had not done first semester second year?
In that case I can't see how she could complete "on time" at st A's anyway so don't let that stop her going elsewhere.
If she goes to England to a three year course she'd be graduating the same time as if she goes back to st A's.

I loved st As but it was pre-wills & Kate. The yah's were there but not dominant, they had one or two bars and the more traditional sports clubs but there was plenty of social life away from them. But it IS a small town. I loved going to my local pub and knowing everyone in there but I know that's not for everyone.

I really do think she should try elsewhere. Au Pairing is not a career for life.

Hatsoffdear · 31/12/2017 15:38

God sounds like your dd had a lucky escape. Uni isn’t the bee all of life. 3 of our 5 went and the most financially successful one had an apprentership and runs a very successful business.

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 31/12/2017 16:42

Absolute consensus on the thread that St Andrew is a bizarre place that would depress most normal folk.
Perhaps show her the thread?

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 31/12/2017 16:50

Could she transfer to Edinburgh,Glasgow or Aberdeen? Same degree system, but far more variety of student life!