Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH and I are socially awkward without realising it? Feel a bit down

57 replies

DownDogz · 30/12/2017 17:41

DH and I don't socialise much. I have social anxiety so obviously I would never me a big socialite but DH is better at it.

Or so I thought.

I've realised that whenever we go anywhere people seem to take the piss out of DH a bit, laugh at him and fire looks between themselves when he speaks. He can be a bit over powering when he's had a drink and forces conversation on people whether they want it or not.

A few years ago we were on holiday and came across another couple who clearly didn't want to mingle. DH kept asking them questions and forcing conversation and they became visibly fed up of him. I'm hyper sensitive to stuff like this so started feeling really uncomfortable. The next night we saw the same couple and he started on them again. In the end the woman sighed and rolled her eyes before snapping "you saw us yesterday! You asked us all these questions yesterday!". DH seemed a bit embarrassed but later referred to her as a stuck up cow. I was so embarrassed.

Over Christmas we were invited to a couples house we are friends with for dinner and drinks. It started off fine but as the drinks started flowing DH became more and more animated and annoying. I became more awkward saying stupid shit that just wasn't funny to try and take the attention off DH - the bloke became visibly bemused by the pair of us. DH was rattling on and on about what amazing holidays we'd had knowing full well that the coulle hadn't been anywhere. I tried to change the subject but he carried on bragging and they clearly didn't want to hear it. I became more and more embarrassing blabbering on about bullshit to try and lighten the mood and then by the next morning we got a bit of a vibe that they were glad to get rid of us.

I don't want to be the annoying couple that nobody likes. I feel a bit fed up because it's hard for me to socialise and when I do, I cock it up and come across like a fucking weirdo. I have aspergers too so not to drip feed so I don't realise that what I'm saying isn't normal until I see the bemused looks on people's faces. Will we always be the annoying couple?? Anyone else like this or know any other couples like this?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 30/12/2017 17:53

Does your DH care that he's being rude, and is boring people by dominating the conversation? Can you come up with a discreet signal between you both for when you see he's crossed the line?

I'm sorry if you were hoping for a load of answers saying that you sound fine, and that you're not that couple that everybody tries to avoid on holiday- because i don't believe it's true from what you've said.

Your husband needs to work on his self-awareness and his conversational skills if you don't want your social life to be further affected in future.

Beltane18 · 30/12/2017 17:53

you mentioned your DH drinking on occasions when this happened

are his social skills all right when he's not drinking?

also, I'm sorry to ask this but it's been an experience I've had....in holiday type situations, some people don't want to take the hint if someone doesn't want to start a conversation. It's not just that they don't see it - some people do realise that they are pushing an unwilling person into chatting but they carry on doing it anyway.

I'm just wondering which it is with your DH because before you chat to him about it, you'd need to know if it was deliberate or accidental behaviour.

Monoblock67 · 30/12/2017 17:55

To be totally blunt it doesn’t sound like you’re the problem at all. It sounds like your DH being drunk and overbearing is.

SoozC · 30/12/2017 17:58

I think DH and myself are a bit like this. DH can get a bit between his teeth about some things and can constantly ask questions, often without waiting for a reply. I'm a bit better now at handling him, as it were, and will tell him to slow down and let them answer. He is very genial though and can talk to anyone, although he has no qualms about telling strangers anything!
As for myself, I can be shy to the point of worrying that I come across as rude. It's a constant worry for me.
We moved recently and don't know anyone here. I'm starting to make some tentative friends, we'll just have to see how things go. But you're not the only one who worries. I'm afraid I don't have anything to suggest for help, just saying you're not alone.

bestthings · 30/12/2017 17:59

I feel for you OP, i have the same problem with my Dh. Not all the time, but sometimes he gets so carried away. He thinks because people are politely listening it's ok for him to keep talking and talking. I find it hard to tell him that i see people's eyes glazing over because it's so long and drawn out what he's telling them. I don't know the answer but like you i get embarrassed on his behalf.

Twitchingdog · 30/12/2017 17:59

Any other ASD trait in you or him ?
Neither of you seem to get social cues

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/12/2017 17:59

Does your DH have Asperger’s too? Does he notice people are feeling uncomfortable or is he missing the social cues?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 30/12/2017 18:07

The OP is getting social cues, though. She is reading the other people's faces and her husband isn't. He is the one with the problem.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/12/2017 18:11

What Mono said. It sounds like you are picking up on social cues that he isn't, so your best bet would be to try and work on him, if it bothers you, and it sounds like it does. Have you had a conversation about how boring he gets in drink?

speakout · 30/12/2017 18:12

I agree with the others- you are not the one with the problem- it's your OH.

MrsRonBurgundy · 30/12/2017 18:14

Your OH sounds like the sort of drunk that I can’t stand to be around - utterly boring. It definitely sounds like he’s the issue and not you. Have you spoken to him and asked him to cut down on his drinking for some social occasions to see if things go any better?

urkidding · 30/12/2017 18:15

People who have aspergers can be taught not to talk about themselves only and have certain easy topics to discuss. Also, make rules like do not hold the floor for 2 minutes or more, or do not drink if it makes you worse.
Also some people are boring and make speeches rather than conversation.
It depends how important you think it is to mix with certain type of people.
So look into it and train yourselves, if you care enough.

WyfOfBathe · 30/12/2017 18:15

It doesn't sound like you are that socially awkward outwardly, even if you feel very awkward on the inside. Everyone says 'weird' things sometimes, but people tend to remember times they've felt embarrassed and don't remember the times other people said something a bit odd.

Your DH sounds quite overbearing though. Is he like this all the time, or just when drunk? If it's all the time, maybe you could have a signal to mean "time to move on" (if he agrees with this)? If it's just when drunk, he can choose to continue being drunk and socially awkward, or he can choose to drink less. If there are other people you know somewhere, you can always stick with a friend instead of with your DH if that makes things easier.

beingGoodNow · 30/12/2017 18:16

Everyone is different OP. Maybe your DH is a little bombastic although it sounds like he is just trying to be friendly and I'd rather be out with a chatterbox than someone really quiet so I would probably quite like him! Maybe gently explain to him that some people may think he talks too much and come up with a little code or look you can share between yourselves whilst out which means he stops chatting!

DoItAgainBob · 30/12/2017 18:16

I agree with the above. It sounds like him, not you.

It's interesting you have social anxiety yet are married to someone that would consistently make it worse for you.

Squeegle · 30/12/2017 18:16

Your OH sounds like my dad. I believe he has undiagnosed aspergers, he is a nice person, but just doesn't get social cues.

whirlygirly · 30/12/2017 18:17

To be honest you're probably shouldering your own awkwardness plus the anticipation of what he'll do. That doesn't make for a relaxed social situation at all.

Fossie · 30/12/2017 18:18

I would suggest you stop trying to manage your husband. If you feel he is holding the conversation; turn to the person next to you and ask them a question. This splits the focus and allows others to make similar choices.

If your DH doesn’t see what he is doing. Ask him questions later such as ‘what did you find out about xx’s holiday?’ If he doesn’t know or says xx didn’t go anywhere you have the opportunity to mention something like ‘i’d ask xx about his hobby next time; xx would have more to talk about then’. Little bits of feedback might help him see he is monopolising the conversation.

Reallytired17 · 30/12/2017 18:21

Oh, they can, can they, urkidding?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/12/2017 18:22

Oh, poor you. Sad

Your OH sounds like my dad - too fond of a drink, and rude when he's had one. Would it be possible to ask him not to drink when you're socialising? Or to restrict himself a bit? It might be worth a try to see if it makes a difference. After all, he must know that you find it difficult to socialise, and I would say that one of the things a couple ought to do is to support each other.

gingerclementine · 30/12/2017 18:24

DH is a bit like your DH (but much more introverted). He has Aspergers and doesn't pick up on social cues at all. He often says something which is entirely wrong for the mood of the moment and has no idea that it's odd.

I agree that your DH is not your social responsibility. Just focus on the people you're with, keeping coversation light. One important thing is to listen to what they say and ensure what you say in response picks up on what they said, rather than starting a new topic.

PugonToast · 30/12/2017 18:25

I know a couple like this. The man annoyed everyone. He had a loud voice, was arrogant and opinionated.

It took a long time for people to soften to him and realise that he wasn’t the arse he came across as. I think it helped that he was called out on it gently or jokingly by several people - if they had done it in a confrontational way it would have been very different.

What made people persist with being friendly with him was that he has a really lovely wife. People liked her and put up with him. Later they got to know him and like him.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. It is very frustrating for you. Can you talk to your DH? Will he take on board what you say? Mine can come across aggressive in his conversation sometimes. I’ve pulled him up on it so much and remind him before we socialise to be very self aware.

We are almost never invited out though. It really does have a knock on effect.

Straycatblue · 30/12/2017 18:28

As others have said above, have you considered that your husband may have undiagnosed Aspergers?

Also, it comes across from your post that feel that its ok for you to not be good socially but that its not ok for your husband to have poor social skills.

JustAnIdiot · 30/12/2017 18:36

My H tends to monopolise the conversation, especially after a few drinks. He's loud, bombastic & overly-opinionated. I'm quite a chatterbox too, but not like he is.

He is tall & likes to stand intimidatingly close to people, sort of looming over them (Same culture as me & most of our friends, bog-standard White British).

If I pull him up on it he throws it back & tells me I was yabbering on boringly for ages - I've asked people - it's not me, really! I think he has Asperger's - he certainly fits with a lot of the traits.

We are always late arriving (his fault) & he won't bloody leave at the end of the evening, unless we have a taxi blowing its horn outside.

I watch people glazing over & dreaming of their comfy pyjamas & have to drag him away, which annoys him as he then thinks I'm a party pooper Hmm

Branleuse · 30/12/2017 18:39

im shit at socialising in general too OP. I have been referred for autism assessment.

I think its best to jut avoid these sort of occasions, and if your dp pisses someone off, then try and be on his side, and get him to come away from people that dislike him if he genuinely cant tell himself