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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH and I are socially awkward without realising it? Feel a bit down

57 replies

DownDogz · 30/12/2017 17:41

DH and I don't socialise much. I have social anxiety so obviously I would never me a big socialite but DH is better at it.

Or so I thought.

I've realised that whenever we go anywhere people seem to take the piss out of DH a bit, laugh at him and fire looks between themselves when he speaks. He can be a bit over powering when he's had a drink and forces conversation on people whether they want it or not.

A few years ago we were on holiday and came across another couple who clearly didn't want to mingle. DH kept asking them questions and forcing conversation and they became visibly fed up of him. I'm hyper sensitive to stuff like this so started feeling really uncomfortable. The next night we saw the same couple and he started on them again. In the end the woman sighed and rolled her eyes before snapping "you saw us yesterday! You asked us all these questions yesterday!". DH seemed a bit embarrassed but later referred to her as a stuck up cow. I was so embarrassed.

Over Christmas we were invited to a couples house we are friends with for dinner and drinks. It started off fine but as the drinks started flowing DH became more and more animated and annoying. I became more awkward saying stupid shit that just wasn't funny to try and take the attention off DH - the bloke became visibly bemused by the pair of us. DH was rattling on and on about what amazing holidays we'd had knowing full well that the coulle hadn't been anywhere. I tried to change the subject but he carried on bragging and they clearly didn't want to hear it. I became more and more embarrassing blabbering on about bullshit to try and lighten the mood and then by the next morning we got a bit of a vibe that they were glad to get rid of us.

I don't want to be the annoying couple that nobody likes. I feel a bit fed up because it's hard for me to socialise and when I do, I cock it up and come across like a fucking weirdo. I have aspergers too so not to drip feed so I don't realise that what I'm saying isn't normal until I see the bemused looks on people's faces. Will we always be the annoying couple?? Anyone else like this or know any other couples like this?

OP posts:

NotAgainYoda · 30/12/2017 18:40

It sounds as if he deals with the SA by drinking. So maybe he needs to drink less. But that only works if he can see that the drink's actually undermining him.

Beltane18 · 30/12/2017 18:42

Stray "Also, it comes across from your post that feel that its ok for you to not be good socially but that its not ok for your husband to have poor social skills."

no, I don't get that at all, I think OP has posted in the first place because she is worried - and it also sounds like she is trying to cover up when he is being odd.

Just "He is tall & likes to stand intimidatingly close to people, sort of looming over them"

wow. I'm very short, I find this very intimidating and get away as fast as possible. Does he just find it funny? I suppose only very short people run away so he still has lots of people to chat to, but to me it's an immediate sign - man deliberately using his height to intimidate is just someone not to talk to. Like he wants to prove he could knock me down really easily or something.

NotAgainYoda · 30/12/2017 18:43

I know ASD is a possibility but it's not the first thing that springs to mind here. The OPs mentions drink every time this arises. So maybe he just drinks too much, and/or deals with anxiety by drinking

ObscuredbyFog · 30/12/2017 18:44

Someone posted this link on another thread for a younger person with AS or ASD asking about communicating

www2.semel.ucla.edu/peers/resources/role-play-videos

I've not had chance to look at any of it but hope some of it may be suitable. Communication skills are incredibly difficult to learn for anyone who doesn't pick up on all the invisible nuances.

notangelinajolie · 30/12/2017 18:45

Oh OP I do sympathise with you.

I think I have social anxiety and I'm not at all comfortable in social situations. At parties/family gatherings etc I tend to slope off to a quiet place in the corner of the room.

I think DH has it too but his reaction to a room full of people is totally different to mine. He acts the joker and starts making inappropriate jokes and trying to be funny and he literally doesn't know when to stop. He takes over a room and I see people slowly drifting away until it's just the two of us. He is absolutely oblivious at the effect. He thinks people are laughing with him but I see the looks and the rolly eyes and know that they are actually laughing AT him. The social Mr notangelina that friends and family know is very different to the man I live with. At home he is quiet, polite and a truly lovely gentleman. He says he wants people to like him and thinks he can do that by being funny.

Are you absolutely sure it is the alcohol talking? My DH drinks next to nothing but still get giddy when we are out. Or perhaps if it is the alcohol - could he be drinking because he is anxious?

I think you both need to talk about this - at home in a nice relaxed atmosphere. Listen to what he says and explain to him how he makes you feel.

NotAgainYoda · 30/12/2017 18:49

Obscured

Thank you for linking that. Really useful

CurryWorst · 30/12/2017 18:50

So he's rude and annoying to people, and then even more rude about them if they dare to answer?
I think he knows what he's doing.

Wishingandwaiting · 30/12/2017 18:53

They invited you over for dinner drinks and to stay the night.

They just like you both a lot!

Perhaps you are both odd bods, but clearly this couple regard you as friends so chill.

alittlepieceofme · 30/12/2017 18:53

My ex was a bit like this, didn't get social cues at all! I could see that the conversation was over but he would keep going! Wasn't being rude just a bit annoying but people still seem to like him. Didn't necessarily involve drink though! It's only now that we aren't together that I suspect he has asd!

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 30/12/2017 19:05

Does he care or does he just not give a fuck?

And more importantly: only when he’s drunk or even he’s sober?

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 30/12/2017 19:05

*even when he’s sober?

Ommletta35 · 30/12/2017 19:06

What does he say when you speak to him about it after?

Nikephorus · 30/12/2017 19:27

People who have aspergers can be taught not to talk about themselves only and have certain easy topics to discuss. Also, make rules like do not hold the floor for 2 minutes or more, or do not drink if it makes you worse.
Yes, we're like trained seals really. Hold a raw fish in front of me and I've been taught to clap my hands in front of me and make silly noises
OP - maybe, like others have suggested, he's on the spectrum too and drinking just makes it worse. But plenty of NTs also get it wrong - I know one (NT) dog-walker who everyone tries to avoid because she dominates the conversation and talks about herself continually. And she's stone cold sober. Alcohol can make plenty of people obnoxious. I wouldn't worry about it - just try and steer the conversation when you can.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 30/12/2017 19:28

man deliberately using his height to intimidate is just someone not to talk to.
I think the point of this is that he’s not purposely doing it to intimidate, it’s likely to be a lack of innate awareness of how it reads to other people that’s the problem. I worked with a man years ago who did this- if he wanted to ask advice he would just walk over and stand behind you til you noticed him, but he was extremely tall and broad-shouldered so you would just get a feeling there was this great big shadow looming over you! Fortunately as we got used to it we realised it was just ‘his way’ and not meant to be intimidating.

Beltane18 · 30/12/2017 19:32

Slightly "I think the point of this is that he’s not purposely doing it to intimidate, it’s likely to be a lack of innate awareness of how it reads to other people that’s the problem. "

from the way Just phrased it, it was as if he likes doing it and finds it funny. Just said "he likes to stand intimidatingly close". I took that as he positively wishes to do this and to appear this way.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 30/12/2017 19:36

I see where you’re coming from Beltane- I just read it as he likes to stand close and people find it intimidating as it’s too close. I guess only OP knows which it actually is.

Straycatblue · 30/12/2017 19:36

Stray "Also, it comes across from your post that feel that its ok for you to not be good socially but that its not ok for your husband to have poor social skills."

no, I don't get that at all, I think OP has posted in the first place because she is worried - and it also sounds like she is trying to cover up when he is being odd.

I totally get that the OP is worried about it however what I was trying to convey is that yes she is trying to cover up when her husband is being odd, but he is also probably trying to cover up when she is being odd as well, either that or he is completely unaware of his behaviour. Her OP very clearly describes that they both struggle socially.

Her husband is being laughed at to his face and getting made fun of when he speaks and instead of having compassion that he is being made fun of right to his face and being concerned that he doesnt even realise, the OP's post comes across as that she is just annoyed and fed up with his behaviour when it sounds like his poor social skills just manifest differently to her poor social skills.

The OP asks Will we always be the annoying couple?? Anyone else like this or know any other couples like this?

and the answer is sadly yes very likely, its been going on for years according to the OP and both are very clearly struggling in social situtations.

However there are ways to practise being doing better in social situation, and also as others have suggested have a talk with each other and come up with a way to let each other know when they are being annoying/overbearing.

Do your friends know you have aspergers OP? it might help for them to know however it can also make things worse by telling them so it would depend on the friendship.

I would also try reading up on how adult aspergers presents in men.

JustAnIdiot · 30/12/2017 19:41

Beltane I do think he does it on purpose, to some degree - I've told him about how it looks & how it can make people feel. He's not a stupid person & can learn, but chooses (I think) to keep doing this.

He does it to me - I'm nearly a foot shorter & 4 stones lighter.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 30/12/2017 19:47

In that case OP if he is fully aware what he’s doing do tell him that for shortish females it is really horrible and likely to mean people will avoid him!

Straycatblue · 30/12/2017 20:02

JustAnIdiot .
He is tall & likes to stand intimidatingly close to people, sort of looming over them

Slightlyperturbedowlagain
I see where you’re coming from Beltane- I just read it as he likes to stand close and people find it intimidating as it’s too close. I guess only OP knows which it actually is.

JustAnIdiot
Beltane I do think he does it on purpose, to some degree - I've told him about how it looks & how it can make people feel. He's not a stupid person & can learn, but chooses (I think) to keep doing this.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain
In that case OP if he is fully aware what he’s doing do tell him that for shortish females it is really horrible and likely to mean people will avoid him!

Think there is some confusion going on here, I havent quoted all of if but the OP's husband is NOT the one who is standing over people, that is JustAnIdiot's husband.
The OP's name is DownDogz and she has only made one post, the OP.

gingerclementine · 30/12/2017 20:45

ObscuredbyFog thank you for that link. It's really useful. I'm going to show some of these to DC who have ASD and though they do pretty well socially, they struggle with some of the nuances those scenarios outline. Great series.

W0rriedMum · 30/12/2017 20:58

I imagine your friends like you both, quirks and all. They may just not have been up for it that night for whatever reason - tired, sick, grumpy..

I had a friend who was a bit foolish - boastful, too sensitive about things, at times oblivious about others, and at other times worried about things that just don't matter.. However he was really dependable and solid - he'd never let you down ever. Although some people teased him, he was one of our gang. (He got married to the nicest girl alive and moved far away so contact is now limited).

Don't overthink this one. Just be your (sober) selves..

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 30/12/2017 21:29

Thanks straycat

Straycatblue · 30/12/2017 21:52

Slightlyperturbedowlagain
Thanks straycat blush

Sorry, wasnt trying to be mean, just worried that the OP's husband was getting the blame

AdelicaArundel · 30/12/2017 22:47

@ObscuredbyFog excellent link, thank you. Such a useful resource.

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