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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Strip club before friend's wedding

54 replies

Austenlove · 30/12/2017 11:56

Atm I simply can't imagine myself in a state of mind where I can let this go and move on and would really like some outside perspective.
DH and I were invited to his old school friend's wedding in a city that is three hours away. We were excited to go and booked a posh hotel with his best friend and partner. We all drive down together, got checked in, had a nice meal out and then went drinking with some other guests before the wedding the next day.
At midnight myself and my Husband's friend's partner decided to get an Uber back to the hotel as we were tired and I didn't want to take away from DHs time with his friends who he now rarely sees as they live all over.
DH gets in at 3 and tries to cuddle up telling me he loves me, I'm seething to have been woken up. Get up in the morning and ask what he got up to. He casually informs me that he and his BF, who was also Best Man at our wedding, and another friend went to a strip club. He paid £60 for a private dance. We are also trying to save money at the moment but that is another issue. DH says that he wanted to be honest with me and that I didn't mind when he went on a stag night. I said that this was different to being away with your wife for a wedding knowing that she was in the hotel alone while you paid to have another woman's warm naked body writhing up against you before cosying up to your wife in bed.
I feel like he has no respect for me or our marriage.
I am also furious at his friend as he was the one who pushed them to go. He's the type who thinks a lot of himself, think Wolf of Wall street. He has lied to his girlfriend who was also there, she has no idea. DH said it wasn't my place to tell her. Is obviously upset and she asked me what was wrong but I didn't tell her.
DH has apologised profusely and promised to never go again but I just feel dreadful. I also want to speak to his friend as he obviously also has no respect for women or our marriage that he was Best Man at.
I don't want to be a doormat but I don't want to lose my husband. It is a happy marriage, this was very unusual for him. AIBU to generally be awful with him for a prolonged period of time and to want to rip his friend to shreds?

OP posts:

Original poster

Austenlove · 30/12/2017 11:58

It also irritated me that DHs friend and GF were showing such concern for the state of our marriage as a result of this when clearly theirs is built on a foundation of lies.

OP posts:

spiritofadventure · 30/12/2017 12:07

I honestly don't see the problem here. He went to a strip club, had a private dance, then told you about it the next day. No dishonesty or sneaky behaviour.

I also don't understand why going to a strip club on a stag night was ok but this time wasn't? If you have a problem with strip clubs you should tell your husband - you can't just pick and choose when it annoys you.

You would be massively unreasonable to 'generally be awful with him'. He hasn't done anything wrong - he didn't know you had a problem with strip clubs as you didn't mind when he went before and he didn't lie to you about it.

As for ripping his friend to shreds - wtf?! Your DH is a grown man and fully capable of saying he doesn't want to do something. Why are you blaming the friend?

maxthemartian · 30/12/2017 12:10

I definitely DO see the problem with him going to a strip club and having a private dance. Would be an entirely unacceptable action in my marriage.
YANBU at all.

theaveragewife · 30/12/2017 12:10

At the very least he told you the truth, is what people will say. I think that’s not enough though and you deserve better - all women do! Not sure I’d ltb but i’d have lost a lot of respect for him.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 30/12/2017 12:12

If you didn’t mind when he went to a strip club on his stag then you reap what you sow. This is no different. On this point he could be forgiven because how was he to know you would have an issue with the same thing another day? YABU.
He and his friends have put you in a horrible position having to lie to the gf. And what would his new wife say? Are you supposed to lie if either of them explicitly lie to you? For being annoyed at this YANBU.
No you cannot silk and be in a bad mood for days. What will it achieve? He’s promised he won’t go again and had reason to think you wouldn’t mind in the first place (see point 1). YABU
what would it achieve to tear strips off his friend? You know he’s a jerk. You should expect your partner to take this into account in the future, however don’t blame the friend for your partner’s awful behaviour - YABU.

Going to strip clubs is repulsive. If you hadn’t encouraged it in the first place none of you would be in this mess (specifically the gf and bride if your DP had the wherewithal to stand up to his friend).

Indigo911 · 30/12/2017 12:15

I’d be fuming and would probably end it but I would have made it crystal clear from the start that I wasn’t ok with paying for lap dances in any scenario. Going to a strip club is one thing, but actually paying for a dance would be too much for me, especially when I’m waiting for his return in a hotel room

Mooncuplanding · 30/12/2017 12:16

I find strip clubs a deal breaker and my DP knows this

Your issue is your dh thought you didn't have a problem with it

It's clear you do and in this case, here now, you have to accept you were not clear to him about your feelings on this and let it go

If it happens again...obviously it's different

I would say that it might be worthwhile clarifying your feelings around the sex industry in general and beware of being the 'cool girl'

TammySwansonTwo · 30/12/2017 12:17

Cue all the people telling you that you have no right to be upset and that this isn't a big deal. Except that it is a big deal to you and that's completely fine.

Honestly, those same people will felt women not to be pissed off when their partner goes to a strip club on a stag do because it's a group thing, it's what men do, blah blah blah. But here we are - you didn't object then and now he thinks he has carte Blanche to spend your marital money on women grinding in his face. Classy.

I'd tell him to fuck off and I would definitely tell the friends wife too - clearly he knows he shouldn't be doing it or there'd be no problem telling his wife, right?

RhymingCrickets · 30/12/2017 12:18

I am so sorry this has happened to you What a horrible turn this special trip away took for you.

Firstly the (relatively) positive: he did tell you as soon as you asked. I put this here because you aren't asking whether you should LTB, and he could have lied about it for months.

From my point of view, though, this whole thing is a very bad sign. Based on what you wrote, I'm trying to work out whether he is actually remorseful, and I don't think it's at all clear that he is. At first he was trying to cuddle up and saying he loves you (Guilt? Or, (quite possibly more likely) feeling horny and wanting to finish off what he started at the strip club). Then, he told you about it "casually" (trying to downplay the fallout, or legitimately didn't think it was a big deal? He should have been apologising profusely at that stage, if not the night before). Now he has "apologised profusely and promised never to go again", but is this because he actually acknowledges it was a revolting thing to do, or because he is in damage-control mode and scrambling to keep you while actually thinking that there is nothing wrong with what he did?

I personally would also be looking for him to be remorseful not just because he is sorry he upset you, but because getting a private dance from a woman at a strip club is a revolting, misogynistic thing to do regardless of whether he's single or not (in my opinion; if you don't think this, it won't apply) and he feels ashamed he did it.

Anyway, you are completely justified in being upset with him. It's natural to want to look to blame your DH's friend, who certainly sounds like a piece of shit himself, but it's important to recognise your husband made these choices himself. Do you want to be with someone who lets himself be led like this? Who will spend sixty quid when you are trying to save? Are you sure he isn't just putting it all onto his friend when actually he was a driving force in this? Does it even make a difference whether or not he was?

You didn't ask if you should LTB so I won't say more on that front but as to your AIBU to generally be awful with him for a prolonged period of time and to want to rip his friend to shreds you should want to rip your DH to shreds too. And also, if you are wanting to work things out with him, while you're totally justified in wanting to be generally awful to him and must NOT feel any pressure to "forgive" and let things go back to normal before you feel completely ready to do so, I think you also need to really talk about these issues with him, make sure he understands what your problems with his behaviour are, and make sure you get an understanding of where his moral compass lies.

Confusedbeetle · 30/12/2017 12:19

I would also be incensed. If you feel strip clubs are a problem you should lay down on the table exactly what you feel. Some men seem to imagine what their partners feel. I would also refuse to keep it a secret. And, more to the point i would spell out that lying about it is even worse than doing it, so dont even think about it unless you want all trust to be destroyed. I wonder how he would feel about you and a rent boy?

RhymingCrickets · 30/12/2017 12:22

Also, re him saying you were ok ok with him going when he went on a stag night (you don't specify whether for a private dance or not), beware of feeling pressure to act happy with this kind of thing, and not coming across "uptight", if really deep down you're not (I don't know what your feelings are on the strip club and/or private dance matter).

Original poster

Austenlove · 30/12/2017 12:22

I do see your point about me being okay about it when its a stag do but it felt different as it was a stag do, it wasn't him and a couple of friends really wanting to go. I think perhaps I had been naive in thinking that my husband didn't enjoy it as much as he clearly does.
I didn't encourage it, he's only been one before on his own stag do that was arranged by the same friend.
I know it isn't his friend's fault and I know my husband can make his own decisions. I just don't feel comfortable being around him and his GF knowing that he's lied to her. Apparently he lies quite a lot, he just irritates me that they are pitying our relationship when theirs obviously isn't great.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 30/12/2017 12:24

Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who thinks it's OK to go to strip clubs?

RhymingCrickets · 30/12/2017 12:25

I would have no qualms about telling your husband's friend's girlfriend, if I were you. In her shoes, I'd want to know.

RhymingCrickets · 30/12/2017 12:30

Re: the friend
he obviously also has no respect for women or our marriage that he was Best Man at And he made this clear even before your marriage, when he arranged a strip club as part of your DH's stag do. I think his girlfriend has a right to know what he has been up to and to make her own decision about whether or not it is something she is comfortable with.

Original poster

Austenlove · 30/12/2017 12:33

I have made it clear how I feel about strip clubs now and I do think they are a disgusting emblem of how women are viewed and treated. I think that maybe I was trying to okay the 'cool and relaxed' wife with regards to him going on his stag do but his friend arranged it without him knowing and this is different to him choosing to go on a random night out and then getting into bed with me the night before a wedding where I would have to be with everybody all day the next day whilst maintaining his friend's lie. I really want to tell her but I don't think it would be right to potentially end my husband's relationship with his BF as it isn't his fault that he's a liar.

OP posts:

Fruitcocktail6 · 30/12/2017 12:33

Disgusting behaviour. I find the whole thing vile, but I don't think it's okay at a stag do either.

khajiit13 · 30/12/2017 12:35

Just tell the girlfriend, you're not doing yourself any favours by keeping it to yourself, it is just going to eat up at you.

I can understand why he'd think it's fine with you if you didn't have an issue last time but I guess I'd have an issue with any man who would want to do it in the first place. He made a choice. Urh

spiritofadventure · 30/12/2017 12:37

To be honest, I don't think you should waste any time thinking about the friend and his relationship with his girlfriend. What happens in their relationship is their business.

OP, what actually are your views on strip clubs/private dances? Is your issue with the fact that your DH went to the club and had a dance or that he did this whilst you were at the hotel?

Personally, I dont have a problem with strip clubs or private dances. My DP enjoys going, as do I and we both go together as well as separately.

fantasmasgoria1 · 30/12/2017 12:40

Yanbu. That would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster

Austenlove · 30/12/2017 12:42

Spirit of Adventure I didn't have an issue with him going on his stag do as it was arranged for him without him knowing. I think that deep down I want to believe that he didn't agree with the entire practice but obviously he does and this is what has upset me. It also felt worse as I was at hotel and it was meant to be a nice romantic break away for us and he made it into something very different. I also didn't like the idea if him getting into bed with me straight after he had had another woman's body all over him. It made me feel sick.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 30/12/2017 12:42

Absolutely fine for you to have boundaries of what is and is not acceptable in your marriage.
But i think it's really confusing for your dh to have strip club as ok on one occasion, but a marriage-threat on another.
He's apologised, he knows where he stands, he's heard you.

I'm slightly confused about the other people involved, but it sound to me that it's not your business. If other people want to build their relationship on a "foundation of lies" that is their business, and their's alone.

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 30/12/2017 12:48

He had reason to believe that you’d be alright with it. Which is why being angry about that would be unreasonable imo.

However:
A private dance isn’t the same as simply going to a strip club.
You are saving money.
You may have to lie to friend.
He woke you up!

being angry about these things isn’t unreasonable.

Jaxhog · 30/12/2017 12:48

Yuck! I'd be pretty pissed off too. The strip club was one thing, but a lap dance? That's seriously out of order. But at least he told you. He's promised not to do it again. Hold him to it.

I'd suggest he owes you a major treat, but that would validate the lap dance. He needs to feel the shame.

With regard to the friend, well your OH is an adult and could have refused to go. He certainly could have refused to have a lap dance. If the GF asks, I would tell her where they went.

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 30/12/2017 12:51

It also felt worse as I was at hotel and it was meant to be a nice romantic break away for us and he made it into something very different. I also didn't like the idea if him getting into bed with me straight after he had had another woman's body all over him. It made me feel sick.

These are your boundaries and there’s obviously nothing wrong with having them. If you feel that strip clubs are unacceptable / only acceptable for stag nights then that’s simply how you see things.
It’s perfectly fine to see this as a dealbreaker as well, btw.

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