Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Strip club before friend's wedding

54 replies

Austenlove · 30/12/2017 11:56

Atm I simply can't imagine myself in a state of mind where I can let this go and move on and would really like some outside perspective.
DH and I were invited to his old school friend's wedding in a city that is three hours away. We were excited to go and booked a posh hotel with his best friend and partner. We all drive down together, got checked in, had a nice meal out and then went drinking with some other guests before the wedding the next day.
At midnight myself and my Husband's friend's partner decided to get an Uber back to the hotel as we were tired and I didn't want to take away from DHs time with his friends who he now rarely sees as they live all over.
DH gets in at 3 and tries to cuddle up telling me he loves me, I'm seething to have been woken up. Get up in the morning and ask what he got up to. He casually informs me that he and his BF, who was also Best Man at our wedding, and another friend went to a strip club. He paid £60 for a private dance. We are also trying to save money at the moment but that is another issue. DH says that he wanted to be honest with me and that I didn't mind when he went on a stag night. I said that this was different to being away with your wife for a wedding knowing that she was in the hotel alone while you paid to have another woman's warm naked body writhing up against you before cosying up to your wife in bed.
I feel like he has no respect for me or our marriage.
I am also furious at his friend as he was the one who pushed them to go. He's the type who thinks a lot of himself, think Wolf of Wall street. He has lied to his girlfriend who was also there, she has no idea. DH said it wasn't my place to tell her. Is obviously upset and she asked me what was wrong but I didn't tell her.
DH has apologised profusely and promised to never go again but I just feel dreadful. I also want to speak to his friend as he obviously also has no respect for women or our marriage that he was Best Man at.
I don't want to be a doormat but I don't want to lose my husband. It is a happy marriage, this was very unusual for him. AIBU to generally be awful with him for a prolonged period of time and to want to rip his friend to shreds?

OP posts:

spiritofadventure · 30/12/2017 12:52

OP , it is absolutely ok to set boundaries in a relationship. It is also ok for these boundaries to change over time as situations arise.

Instead of arguing about it, just sit down with your DH, explain why you feel differently and talk things through.

Ohyesiam · 30/12/2017 12:52

Ok, just read your updates.
It's a shock to find your dh is not who you thought he was.
But it may not be that black and white. Maybe his opinions are a bit unformed, and of he though/ knew more about how exploitative step clubs are, he would get it. You could try keeping the dialogue open, talk about women's place in society, about of you ever had a daughter, what he would want for her.
If you think that at it's core, your marriage is good, Keep communicating, give him a chance to mature. You will know if it's worth working for.
I'm assuming you are youngish, it might be easier for him to " fit in " or Just not think things through.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2017 12:54

It also felt worse as I was at hotel and it was meant to be a nice romantic break away for us and he made it into something very different. I also didn't like the idea if him getting into bed with me straight after he had had another woman's body all over him. It made me feel sick.

What's his answer to this very valid point?

Original poster

Austenlove · 30/12/2017 13:01

Ohyesiam we had the daughter talk and spoke about the vulnerability of some of the women who work in these places and be agrees with my stance and apologised and said of his own accord that he would not go again under any circumstances. I just feel let down, I thought he was better than that and know I feel like he isn't the person I married. He's always been respectful to me and he really is a good guy. We've been together for 11 years since we were teenagers. I am hoping it was a drunken mistake and not an indication of who he really is or will become.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 30/12/2017 13:03

I just can't see what the big fuss is about strip clubs. And I'm quite prudish I thought. Not keen on the idea of a private dance since read on MN the women were naked. Why would anybody even want to do this with some random stranger.

Original poster

Austenlove · 30/12/2017 13:03

nannyogg he agrees and apologised. I genuinely don't think he saw it like that but that makes it worse in my eyes that he didn't see it that way.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 30/12/2017 13:05

I don’t think it’s your job to lie to his gf. On the contrary if he knows your dh will tell you and you’ll be open about it he might think twice before inviting your dh on these things.

suzy2b · 30/12/2017 13:08

I don't see what the big deal is he went to a strip club he was with friends wasn't on his own wasn't with another woman

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 30/12/2017 13:10

Why would anybody even want to do this with some random stranger.

Because they find it sexually arousing (in most cases, I’m sure there are exceptions), I’d imagine.

Indigo911 · 30/12/2017 13:11

@suzy just because you don’t see the big deal in married men paying a lot of money to have fully naked women grind on them, doesn’t mean other people aren’t entitled to think it’s a crappy thing to do

Littlechocola · 30/12/2017 13:15

I think you are putting too much blame on the friend. Your dh is a grown up.

Original poster

Austenlove · 30/12/2017 13:20

We always see this couple and go out together so he technically is my friend too but I don't think I've ever been 100% keen on him, obviously not keen at all now. I just don't know how we'll continue to see then both now without it bringing up this very situation in my mind, feel like it's going to wind me up when we see then next. Annoyed at him and feel sorry for her. I think me and my DH will resolve it but I think seeing them will open it all back up again.

OP posts:

confusedlittleone · 30/12/2017 13:28

I'm sorry is your DH not an adult capable of making his own choices? His friend isn't the reason your DH want to the strip club, your DH is the reason your DH went

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2017 13:28

I don't think I'd end a marriage over this, but I would re-evaluate, have a very long chat and if we then weren't on the same page, that could be a deal breaker.

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/12/2017 13:29

He’s apologised, he won’t do it again, he got swept up in the night and thought you were ok with strip clubs.

Please don’t sulk, it’s totally childish and undermines your sensible chat and the progress you’ve made with him. He’s obviously genuinely remorseful.

For gods sake don’t either tell the GF or have a go at the friend - you are not the morality police and you have no right to interfere in their relationship. You’ll just make yourself look like a bitch.

Lethaldrizzle · 30/12/2017 13:37

I'd tell the gf if it came up again. Don't see why you should have to lie to protect her tosspot partner

Jellybean85 · 30/12/2017 14:58

I have to agree with the others I'm afraid, strip clubs generally are awful and disrespectful but I can certainly see where the confusion came from here.
You made it clear you thought strip clubs were 'ok' on a stag do, which is typically blokes drinking together and partying pre wedding. This was a bunch of blokes partying together pre wedding. He clearly thought it was fine, reinforced by the fact he told you straight away. No point being awful now if he's in all other ways a good husband! It's a miscommunication, he knows how you feel now.
Maybe move on an enjotnthe wedding

rocky4 · 30/12/2017 16:07

'Disgusting, repulsive, incensed' my god you'd think you were all discussing sexual assault!!

Fine if that's not ok in your relationship, but you need to let him know.

With regards to the friend no you cannot rip him to shreds. Your DH made his own choice. Let the friend fight his own battles with his GF, all you would do is paint yourself as the crazy wife and to be honest their relationship is none of your business.

And for the record.. strip clubs aren't just for males. You should try it some time, maybe it'll change your view

troodiedoo · 30/12/2017 16:28

I used to go to strip clubs for post conference networking sometimes. They are horrible soulless places and as I woman I was never made to feel welcome. Guess we intimidate the perverts. Or maybe they could tell I was not in charge of the credit card.

Mooncuplanding · 30/12/2017 17:06

I stupidly went to a strip club once with work colleagues (all married)

It's worse than you can even imagine and the way the men in there view women changed the way in which I'd ever trust or be reliant on men again. In germaine Greer's words..you have no idea how much men hate you

spiritofadventure · 30/12/2017 17:16

I've been to many strip clubs and I actually enjoy it! My DP and I also enjoy going and having private dances together.

While I am fully aware that exploitation does happen within the sex industry, not all lap dancers are forced into it by pimps!

BertrandRussell · 30/12/2017 17:17

"not all lap dancers are forced into it by pimps!"

How do you know which are and which aren't?

ClaryFray · 30/12/2017 17:20

Th private dance would bother me more than the strip club. Tbh. He was honest and straight with you. So he didn't try to lie.

Maybe you need a frank discussion about why your upset?

HelenaDove · 30/12/2017 17:21

"give him a chance to mature" hes in his late twenties by the sounds of things FFS!

"the trip to the strip club was arranged for his stag do without him knowing"

So if the best man had arranged a walk through the underground sewer he would have gone along with it then.

He was telling you who he was back then OP.

ArchchancellorsHat · 30/12/2017 18:04

The private dance would definitely bother me, even more than the club. Even if he thought you were ok with the club, he should have known better than the dance. And spending the time and money there when you were at the hotel waiting for him would bother me a lot.
Will the discussion you had with him stop him going, change his mind about how they treat people, or just give him a reason to lie in future? I don't know if I could trust him in future, which would be a deal breaker for me but obviously you know him.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread