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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you shouldn't tell someone that they have lost weight

60 replies

user1498912461 · 30/12/2017 09:16

I believe that you should never comment on a persons weight and I don't believe that telling someone they have lost weight is actually a compliment. It's kind of like saying they were fat before? 😂 Sil called at Christmas time and DH told her she had lost loads of weight (she's not on a diet). He then looked at me and asked - don't I think she's lost weight? I felt so awkward and just said she's always looked lovely! So aibu to think that you shouldn't comment on a persons weight? I compliment people on having nice hair, clothes, a nice smile, eyes or personality traits, never their weight.

OP posts:

insancerre · 30/12/2017 09:18

That's the sort of things that family do comment on though
It wouldn't bother me

FiveShelties · 30/12/2017 09:19

Has she lost weight? How do you know she is not dieting?
When I lost over 3 stone I was delighted when people noticed☺

abbsisspartacus · 30/12/2017 09:19

I do if i know someone's been on a diet

sausagerollsrock · 30/12/2017 09:19

Personally, I feel really pleased if somebody asks if I've lost weight.

Lweji · 30/12/2017 09:20

People around me make those sort of comments all the time.
Particularly between siblings it seems fine to me.
For him it will have been as if she cut her hair or got a tattoo, probably.
I wouldn't think twice about it.

Fairylea · 30/12/2017 09:21

I don’t think anyone should ever comment on someone’s weight. I lost 2.5 stones this year through chronic illness and everyone I bumped into kept telling me how much weight I’d lost, thinking it was a good thing. I know they meant well but people don’t have a clue what’s going on behind the scenes as it were, it’s best just not to say anything.

insancerre · 30/12/2017 09:21

It's his sister?
He's hardly going to comment on her smile or colour of her eyes, is he?

Original poster

user1498912461 · 30/12/2017 09:23

She's our sil. His brothers wife 🙂

OP posts:

FireInTheDisco · 30/12/2017 09:23

I think it’s each to their own in these cases. Personally I found it a real boost to my weight loss when people began to notice!

MorrisZapp · 30/12/2017 09:23

My SIL lost three stone and looks fab. I gushed with compliments. Bloody jealous to be honest.

Lweji · 30/12/2017 09:24

Sister or SIL, I don't think it's a big deal.
Unless she has cancer or something.

clumsyduck · 30/12/2017 09:24

I think there is always this assumption that people will be happy to hear they've lost weight ( obviously illness aside )

I certainly was happy to hear it when i lost weight in the past . I pretty much maintain target weight now but people will still say it sometimes , I'm not dieting but obviously weight does fluctuate but I'm always a bit confused , I think I look the same and also don't actually need to lose any more weight so I'm never sure how to take it

JumpedOverTheMoon · 30/12/2017 09:24

I LOVE it when someone tells me I look like I've lost weight!! If I am actually trying to lose weight it spurs me on but if I'm not trying then I take it as a compliment that what I'm wearing might actually be flattering to my figure. Everyone is different and it's important to be sensitive if the person wouldn't take it well. So I'd take the cue of SIL and see how she reacted to the compliment, if she liked it what's the harm.

rothbury · 30/12/2017 09:26

I am struggling to think of any comment people could make to me that would make me happier than "Ooh, haven't you lost weight!"

Have you had issues with your own weight or ED in the past OP?

TheGoldenBowl · 30/12/2017 09:30

OP you say she's not on a diet... But how do you know?? If I'm trying to shift a few pounds, I don't tell any one! I'm weird about my weight and never talk about it.

PersianCatLady · 30/12/2017 09:31

If somebody has tried hard to lose weight and then succeeded, there is nothing wrong with telling them.

They obviously knew that there was an issue if they wanted to lose weight.

TBH I actually think that being overweight is becoming acceptable now, even in children and it is worrying.

I am exactly in the middle of the OK range of the BMI scale (not the best way to assess but if works for most people) and I am constantly told that I am too thin or don't eat enough,

It annoys me greatly when I eat just over 2000 calories a day and they are overeating that I am told that I am the one with a food issue.

Moussemoose · 30/12/2017 09:34

OP I'm with you. My weight is my business. However, the depressing truth is that most women are thrilled to be told they've lost weight.

Your weight should not define your self worth as a woman but unfortunately for many women it does.

Original poster

user1498912461 · 30/12/2017 09:35

She's not on a diet. Her DD had many allergies and sil had to eliminate many foods while breast feeding

OP posts:

TheStoic · 30/12/2017 09:38

Yeah it’s my policy to NEVER comment on other people’s bodies.

Last time I lost a heap of weight, it was through the stress of going through marriage difficulties. Lots of people asked me ‘how I did it’. ‘Stress’ I said, truthfully. But even before that, it was my policy.

It’s like telling someone that you always hated the Ex they just broke up with. Chances are they’ll end up back together. 😬

TheGoldenBowl · 30/12/2017 09:39

But how can you be so sure?? Does she tell you everything? When I decide I need a few weeks of cutting back, I just do it - I don't even mention it to my husband.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 30/12/2017 09:39

I'm with you OP,
I hate anyone commenting on my weight. It makes me feel like my weight is always under scrutiny by them. And it's something that they're judging me on. It shouldn't be the most important thing about someone. MIL always comments on my weight. So fucking annoying.

Ohyesiam · 30/12/2017 09:43

It's a really double edged thing.I find All personal remarks are odd, even they ones about eyes, hair etc can leave me feeling a bit objectified.
I don't mind when people remark on my Jewellery etc because that's something I chose, but I didn't design my face, so feels a bit odd when people congratulate me on it.
Also a low key " looking good" is one thing, but gushing complements and questions make me really uncomfortable.
I had a DM who was highly looks focused, and is still vain at almost 80. She gave me lots of complexes, and never feels the urge to hold back on forensic descriptions of peoples looks. So I have an odd relationship to compliments, but I imagine I'm not alone.
Unless it's very close friends, I tend to only complement people on their actions/ choices.

specialsubject · 30/12/2017 09:43

I also think such comments are rude - admire an outfit, yes, but not appearance.

' you've lose weight' does say ' you were fat'!

Notreallyarsed · 30/12/2017 09:47

One of my close friends has been very ill recently (kidney problems) and has lost a considerable amount of weight. She’s gone from a very slim but curvy 10/12 to a 6/8 and looks very poorly. She is sick fed up of people going “oh haven’t you got skinny?” Or “oh look how much weight you’ve lost!” So I think it entirely depends on context, if someone has clearly not been trying to lose weight but has done through illness it’s not great to comment. Just like if someone who hadn’t seen me for a few years were to say “oh god haven’t you got fat?” (Babies, IBS and various stomach problems)

BuzzKillington · 30/12/2017 09:48

I think it's a compliment. I would always comment if I notice someone formerly overweight has lost weight.

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