Karma or unkind

[Madwoman5]

Bit of a long one...
My schoollife was not brilliant. From 11 - 15 I was bullied, physically and mentally.
My form fell into three groups; the followers, the puncher and the social outcasts. The followers were led by a dark soul who was clever enough never to get caught and got others to do her dirty work. The puncher was a girl that was part of the followers but much more violent and would act independently. I was one of the outcasts.
Every day something would transpire. From planting their stuff in my bag and crying thief (resulting in a bag search that would inevitably result in the missing item being discovered somewhere in my bag), to defacing or destroying my books/bag/uniform resulting in the wrath of my single parent who would struggle to replace them and the teachers who would not believe I had done the homework (pages ripped out). There was always someone pouncing as I left the classroom. There was nowhere I could ever go to escape them, they would find me. I was not allowed to laugh, put my hand up in class, even paint my toenails without being punished by one group or the other. After intervention, the dark soul backed off (3 years on) but the most violent one continued. Her physical attacks were brutal. After leaving school, I hoped I would never meet her again. Fast forward to 20 and she popped up again in my social circle. She convinced everyone she was a changed person and then hurt a very good friend, very, very badly (not physically). I never thought she would stoop so low as then.
This person dominated my life for years. Ruined every day of my high school and left me with mental scars tens of years later.
I abhor bullying of any kind and have fought tooth and nail to protect my kids from bullies. I have zero patience for anyone who raises their hand to another except in defence.
I recently heard this woman died. Part of me wants to sing "ding dong the witch is dead". However, the other part of me wants to forgive her, having paid her dues by not surviving middle age. It has brought that whole sorry time back and I am struggling to know how to feel. AIBU to feel this way after all these years? Be gentle.... childhood abuse is hard to forget.

People shouldn't be revered just because they happen to have died.

I see a lot of this professional mourning on Facebook.

Take your own moment to reflect on the wholeness of the situation and if you want to, say a big fat 'fuck her', then happily move on.

I think you are entitled to feel how you do. I know if something happened to my bully I would have the same reaction as you.
Unless someone has been bullied they have no idea how much it carries through the rest of your life with you.

Personally, I would forgive her and move on.

I have found that personally, I can lay things to rest much sooner when I forgive. She was a bully and probably was to the very end. Her inner demons were probably much louder than yours, believe it or not.

Don't let her behaviour ruin your inner peace. Be better. She's dead, she will never hurt you again unless you let her mentally.

I don't think YABU to feel the way that you do I would probably feel the same way I was bullied relentlessly all through primary and high school I had my bag stolen from my locker and the school didn't even care. So if I found out one of my bullies died I don't think I would shed a tear for them not after what they put me through.

She may have died young. But that doesn't make her behaviour any less appalling...behaviour which has left its mark on you probably for the rest of your life.

Forgiving her may give you some closure as it were. But death doesn't make someone any less of an awful human.

It is ok to feel this way. She sounds a vile person who caused a lot of harm.
You don't have to do anything about her. She holds no power over you. She cannot do anything bad again. Don't feel obliged to forgive her if you don't feel able.
Good that you have been able to speak about your feeling honestly and I hope that it helps you. My best wishes to you for the future.

Thanks guys. I guess I am struggling with the outpouring from those who had no idea (or very selective memories) of what she was like.

Take a step back from the outpouring OP, keep your dignity. You know the truth and we believe you. I'm sorry you went through this.

You won't be the only one who knows what a vile person she was.

I bumped into my bully in a shop about 10 years after leaving school. We clearly recognised each other but she then put her head down and left quickly.

After a lot of feelings rushing around I realised she looked like a mess, by which I mean life had not panned out the way she had hoped. She looked like a heroin addict and was quite downtrodden. I then went from feeling 'serves you right' to feeling pity for her. What a sad, lonely figure she cut at only 25.

Allow your feelings to settle over the next few days. The news has pulled you back to a time of trauma, so be kind to yourself.
I have never used FB, but the shallow bullshit that friends occasionally show me on it is stunning. Most of those posting gushing tributes won't bother going to the funeral or even sending the family a card.

You don't have to forgive a bully if it's affected your life, I'm in the fortunate situation that I've never been bullied, however from what you've written, and if I'd been in that situation I wouldn't want to forgive the person just because they died at a young age. Madwoman5, I'm sorry to hear that you went through so much shit, but don't give your bully another thought, they really are not worth it xx

There must be a reason she was so awful. Her home life must have been horrible. Was her death related to her behaviour or just a freak accident?

Regardless of what cause it though, she was a truly bad person and while I would feel sorry for her in the back of my mind I’s be glad she was dead too. She would have just gone on to cause more harm in the world.

It’s really ok to have mixed feelings.

I think we are very ingrained to ‘respect the dead’ and not speak ill of them, but that doesn’t change the fact she made your life hell and scarred you in ways you are still carrying now. I can see your conflict, but you don’t owe her anything. I think it’s ok to think ‘oh, a person dying young is sad’ - but not much more than that.

People tend to do performative mourning when someone dies, but don’t let that make you feel guilty about your own feelings.

Growing up I had a bullying, abusive, adoptive father and nobody would believe me and if he found out I had told 'anyone' I would get another beating. So it was easier, and less painful, to keep quiet!

When I got the phone call to say he died I had an 8 hr drive (each way) to where the funeral was being held and during this time suddenly realised I was bopping/singing/etc along to the music in the car.....mmm, not how I expected to feel when heading to a funeral? I didn't feel sad at all because the weight was finally off my shoulders and I felt so much relief and freedom it was hard to comprehend. During the funeral service a day or two later, I found it hard to keep the huge smile off my face....kind of embarrassing to be smiling so much at a funeral, but it's how I felt on the inside. Smiling larger than I'd never smiled before!!

I spoke to a psychologist friend after returning home and was assured my reaction was quite normal (phew!) and it was my (uncontrolled) way of 'finally' being free of his domineering/bullying/abusive treatment, even though I had moved out of home 25 yrs previously.

So please don't feel guilty about not feeling sadness over her death, it's natural to feel confused, just as I was. Hope you are coping OK and be kind to yourself.

I honestly believe in karma.
My dm who is genuinely the nicest person I know was bullied like yourself. Every day relentlessly for her high school years by these two girls.
Again fast forward 30 ish years.
One died of a drugs over doze. The other lady is working in a care capacity and ended up working for my mum.
She would squirm and gets flustered everytime my mum apperared. (Not that my dm would have outted her, she said it would make her no better than her)
But karma rolls round to everyone.
You should write down everything you are thinking and feeling. Then tear it up, put it in the bin and start again. The memories will stay but don't let that person have a second more of your percious time.
Good luck OP

There's no such thing as karma. Kids are diagnosed with cancer every day, once met a 3 month old with a brain tumour, she spent her short life screaming in agony and died shortly after I'd met her. She did not deserve that. Her family did not deserve that.

I’m a believer in karma and whilst I wouldn’t be signing ding dong I certainly wouldn’t be feeling sad or mournful. I was bullied relentlessly at school and I wouldn’t give them the time of day or spend any time thinking about them

You've nothing to feel bad about, OP. I found out, the day before Xmas eve, that my scumbag father had died some time back. I'm glad that abusive piece of shit can no longer hurt anyone and I'm not going to feel one single bit of guilt about that.

The thing is bullies aren't happy or content people to start with, they are suffering too but in a different way.
Sorry you had to go through that OP.

Nowhere in any rule book does it say you have to forgive anyone. I personally loathe the culture where we are only good people if we forgive our abusers. it's bullshit. People can forgive if they want to, it's entirely up each individual, but when I hear people pontificating saying that those who have survived abuse need to forgive and let go, I tell them to fuck off.

You never, ever have to forgive anyone if you don't want to. It doesn't make you a better or a worse person, no matter what others might tell you. For me personally, the anger I felt after the life I've endured has been useful; it gave me strength and power to keep going when I absolutely needed it. I've never felt badly about not forgiving folks, nor will I ever. I prefer to steer clear and remember what happened to me, and let it serve as a reminder to be careful of whom to trust.

I don't walk about permanently angry, what I'm saying is, I choose not to forgive. I choose MYSELF instead of placating people who have abused me. They don't deserve anything.

I'd be thinking at least she'll never harm anyone again and also she made your life hell so now she can rot there

@Madwoman5 - when someone dies it's de rigeur to do the usual 'sad face condolence'. My guess is that many people disliked her. The outpouring is what Society expects, that doesn't mean it's how they really felt. Try to make peace with your 11-15 year old self. Talk to her and help her to understand. The now dead bully can't actually hurt anyone ever again. Try to heal you so that she doesn't continue to hurt you 💜

Your feelings are your own and you are entitled to them. No reaction is wrong under these circumstances. Step away from those, who tell you otherwise.

I have been in your situation. To this day I don't regret saying I was glad he was dead when I heard. The damage inflicted can never be erased.

You don't have to validate your feelings to anyone. If you are glad she has died and it makes you feel better then so be it. You don't have to explain that to anyone.

She won't be able to bully you ever again. Accept that and move on. Dwelling on her won't serve you well. She doesn't deserve your attention.