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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if this IS in my head?

63 replies

waffilyversati1e · 29/12/2017 23:57

My OH and I have been together for 15 years. I met him online having recently left a DV situation. My son was 1.
Over the years he has never been violent toward me but his moods are something else. He screams and swears over the smallest things (on xmas day for example he got cross because he opened a bottle of prosecco and it fizzed over and a 16yr old and an 8 yr old laughed)

Its hard to get it down in writing because he says its all in my head (I do take anti-d's) but its constant. I feel nervous when he is due home from work if the house is untidy or because i don't know whether he will be in a bad mood. He doesn't hit us but he has smashed a glass door (toys weren't put away), threw countless bowls or glasses because his mobile phone game (clash of clans) wasn't going his way. thats a couple of times. I guess it happens at least a few times a month on a good period - more on a bad one.

A couple of nights ago he woke me at 2am screaming eff you at his game. he was downstairs. I confronted him and we had a massive row. I said I wanted this to stop and I couldn't go on like this for the kids sake (16, 11 and 3)

since then hes not spoken. Just huffed a lot. He went into our 16yo room tonight and it was a mess. He started calling him names and then came into our 3yo room where i was reading him a story and started shouting at me about whether i had decided when I was leaving.

we have a joint mortgage and i have a lot of credit card debt (15k) with no regular income.

He says that because he pays the mortgage and bills and usually puts money into my account for food shopping/kids stuff (£100 a week) then he can act how he likes and we should be thankful he is putting a roof over our heads. I don't have a job. He has always been clear that his work means that he wouldn't be offering to assist with childcare so I have stayed at home.

Maybe we should feel thankful for our home but it feels so suffocating. He has said tonight that he isn't transferring money anymore, if I want out then he owes me nothing and that he knows I won't get financial help and cannot afford private rent so I can choose to stay married or I can live in misery all because I decided I was no longer happy.

I am in absolute pieces and I know a lot of this is my fault. I should have left years ago but I thought I was doing the right thing and now I have basically screwed myself. I feel utterly hopeless and I don't have any friends because our home was always so unpredictable I would have hated for outsiders to see it. He said tonight (upon seeing the state of his bedroom) that he hates my eldest son and would "stab him in the head happily". Who even says that?!

Am I overreacting as he says!? is it normal to have to bend around your spouses moods like this? Please help me. I don't even have a bed to sleep in tonight. I either have to go to our bed or sleep on my sons floor.

OP posts:
Whinesalot · 30/12/2017 00:00

It's definitely not in your head. Ring women's aid for help. You don't have to put up with this. And there is financial help out there for you. Other people with more knowledge will come along soon.

Bambamber · 30/12/2017 00:04

You're not being unreasonable. He is emotionally and now financially abusing you. This is not your fault, but you do need to get you and your children out of that situation

drivingmisspotty · 30/12/2017 00:04

I agree, not in your head.

I notice he says your life will be miserable if you leave. But it sounds like you are pretty miserable already, walking on eggshells all the time. It might be a struggle financially on your own but imagine the freedom of not having to live in that atmosphere. And as pp said there is financial help and he will still need to pay child support

ReadyForGoodNews · 30/12/2017 00:04

It's not in your head! And no you shouldn't have to bend around his moods like that OP Flowers Like PP said, others with more knowledge about practical steps will come along soon, and I hope your circumstances change for the better soon. Your poor DC, my heart aches for all of you.

Tinselistacky · 30/12/2017 00:05

See a solicitor, claim benefits and find a house if he won't leave. I bet before long you are able to stop taking antidepressants. Make 2018 the year you start afresh in a safe environment with your dc.

gamerchick · 30/12/2017 00:08

This is damaging your kids and their future mental health.

At least, save your youngest. You need to get rid. You need a plan.

Maelstrop · 30/12/2017 00:12

YANBU, it is definitely him, not you. He’s a nasty, vindictive, violent idiot. Please access Women’s Aid and Shelter and get out.

Frustrationqueen · 30/12/2017 00:12

Please dont listen to his abusive words. It may not be physical abuse but there is no doubt about abuse going on. It is definitely not in your head.

You are not screwed. You might struggle with the change of things, but the change of getting away from this abusive man will be so much easier to handle. Even if it doesnt seem so right now.

You and your children deserve to live happily and do not deserve this kind of treatment.
Call womens aid. They will help you come up with a plan and you can start getting things in order ready for you to make your freedom journey with your dc.

Dont even speak to him about it as he will just use it all against you. Even to the point of trying a nice charming approach, possibly. Do not give him a leg to stand on by doing this all on your own. His input is nothing but negativity and definitely not needed.

When i left a man similar to what you describe a few years ago, i felt like a new person. I did the freedom program twice and it helped massively. I would advise you to consider that a little further down the line

Maelstrop · 30/12/2017 00:13

Have you ever contacted the police while he’s smashing stuff up? They would remove him from the house during one of his episodes.

longingforalife · 30/12/2017 00:13

Waff, it sounds as if you must all constantly be walking on eggshells just waiting for whatever will set him off next. Hideous.
Have a look at the women's aid website and call them soon. Talking in real life to the lovely nonjudgemental people there really gave me support and started my journey out. And they really 'get' what it's been like for you and your children.

Frustrationqueen · 30/12/2017 00:14

Yes! If you havent contacted the police during any of his violent outbursts in the home, make sure you do. It will help with legal aid if you would be entitled to it. If not it would still be helpful to you.

Craftylittlething · 30/12/2017 00:16

Whether he pays the mortgage or not if it’s in joint names it’s half yours (it might at least pay off your credit cards if you separate) you can contact your local authority and declare yourself homeless, you can do this if you are in an abusive home and yes it is and most definitely not normal. How awful for you and your family putting up with shit like that. Speak to women’s aid as others have said and shelter. Lots of local authorities have a key fund so while you may not have money for a deposit in a private let this may be an option for you. Also if there is freedom course in your area look into it, wonderful for helping you to gain clarity and confidence. Life is too short and precious to be walking on egg shells and living with someone who treats you and your children so badly. Wishing you lots of luck and a new start!

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 30/12/2017 00:19

No normal at all. This is not about your relationship with him; it is about you protecting your children. How fucking dare he speak to a child like that,. How dare he distress your little one in a place at a time when your 3 year old should feel safest and threaten and abuse you.

I understand that people often think they won’t cope, what about money. A good CAB will give you advice about the debt. Find as much money as you can and hide it away. Empty your account if you need to. Get help from friends and relatives. People with more expertise will be along to advise you where/how to get help

He is the children’s father, he will have to pay. Ignore him. Go to the food bank, tell trusted friends. Leave this man. Do not stay and perpetuate the cycle of abuse further either for yourself or for your children. Do not seek out or accept any more rescuers.

Start making plans to leave him. Who can help you? If you or the kids are not in danger, you may not need to do it immediately. He sounds an absolute cunt of the highest order. Get him out of your lives.

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 30/12/2017 00:22

I would also like to say, I am so sorry you and your children are being forced to live like this. It’s not normal. It’s not fair. You can change it and find a much better life for the four of you. Good luck.

AntiHop · 30/12/2017 00:23

You are not to blame for his awful behaviour. I feel so sad for you and your kids. You and your kids deserve a better life. One where you're not walking on eggshells. He's emotionally and financially abusing you. Leaving is not going to be straightforward, but once you've settled into your new life, I promise you, it will be much better.

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 30/12/2017 00:26

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Everyone else is in bed and I think I am going to stay downstairs tonight. I don't feel physically threatened by him and I did call the local housing office but I was told that unless you can prove you are in an abusive relationship (presumably a black eye?) then the council won't help because we have the joint mortgage. I cannot be on the streets with my kids and none of my family have space for me - plus the small matter of our 11 yr old family dog which OH hates too who I know couldn't come with me which will break my kids hearts

I realise I cannot stay. I will have minus £200 in my account as of Tuesday so not really any amount I can squirrel. If I stay and concentrate on it for months I could try and save but I have a feeling it would become unbearable pretty quickly given the atmosphere here today

OP posts:
hollowtree · 30/12/2017 00:29

No OP, you don't have to live like this. You can get help and you deserve a better life for you and your children xx

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2017 00:31

Talk to WA, they will help. Much of what this wanker says is straight out of the abusive-man handbook - he doesn't have any kind of right of ownership over you and DC. Depending on the specifics of your situatio (mortgage, whether you are married, whether DC are all his) it might be possible to put him out of the house and stay there with DC, or you might be given help to find somewhere else to live.But you do NOT have to have shit like him in your daily life.

Frustrationqueen · 30/12/2017 00:33

Contacting the police to report his violent outbursts will be proof of domestic violence to the council.
You can even call them to log it for now.

Judging from youre saying, it doesnt sound like it will take too long for you to have the opportunity to call the police.

If he is being overly verbally abusive, throwing things, acting irrationally aggressive in his tone and mannerisms, making you or your dc scared...call the police

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 30/12/2017 00:34

we are married. the two youngest are biologically his. the mortgage is a joint one (but he has paid it all from day one)

OP posts:
Runlikeabull22 · 30/12/2017 00:35

Get out of this marriage as soon as you can. Please don't live like this. It's horrendous!! Sending best wishes to you xx

stilltheykeepcoming · 30/12/2017 00:36

As others have suggested, call womens aid. They will help you prove to the council that yes, you are indeed in an abusive relationship. it's not you - it's him. Please ask for help, and make 2018 the year that you and your dc's are able to live a peaceful life together without him. Flowers

Butterymuffin · 30/12/2017 00:40

Ring Women's Aid as pp have said. This isn't right at all. Paying the mortgage doesn't entitle him to be a threatening and scary dad and husband. Regarding the dog, ring a vet or the Dogs Trust and ask their advice about getting the dog into a shelter or foster place at least temporarily (you can say the dog ran away or something to cover before you go yourself). You must get yourself and the kids out as this sounds awful and unsafe. Good luck.

Gemini69 · 30/12/2017 00:46

I felt anxious just reading about his temper ... Op you cannot live like this.. consider all your options Flowers

Evilstepmum01 · 30/12/2017 00:47

Jesus, OP, this is not in your head, you're married to a cunt.
I agree, call Womans Aid and read your OP to them, It says it all really.
You CAN leave if you want to. As a single mother, you would likely be entitled to benefits, housing and or tax credits and maintenance.
Enough to survive, be happy and get your poor kids away from this abuse.
I understand your concerns about your dog, but again ask Womans Aid for help as a lot of dog rescues run fostering schemes for people leaving domestic violence.
You can be happy, you just have to believe you can.

Take the first step, call them even if its just to talk to a friendly ear.

Good luck