AIBU to ask if this IS in my head?

[waffilyversati1e]

My OH and I have been together for 15 years. I met him online having recently left a DV situation. My son was 1.
Over the years he has never been violent toward me but his moods are something else. He screams and swears over the smallest things (on xmas day for example he got cross because he opened a bottle of prosecco and it fizzed over and a 16yr old and an 8 yr old laughed)

Its hard to get it down in writing because he says its all in my head (I do take anti-d's) but its constant. I feel nervous when he is due home from work if the house is untidy or because i don't know whether he will be in a bad mood. He doesn't hit us but he has smashed a glass door (toys weren't put away), threw countless bowls or glasses because his mobile phone game (clash of clans) wasn't going his way. thats a couple of times. I guess it happens at least a few times a month on a good period - more on a bad one.

A couple of nights ago he woke me at 2am screaming eff you at his game. he was downstairs. I confronted him and we had a massive row. I said I wanted this to stop and I couldn't go on like this for the kids sake (16, 11 and 3)

since then hes not spoken. Just huffed a lot. He went into our 16yo room tonight and it was a mess. He started calling him names and then came into our 3yo room where i was reading him a story and started shouting at me about whether i had decided when I was leaving.

we have a joint mortgage and i have a lot of credit card debt (15k) with no regular income.

He says that because he pays the mortgage and bills and usually puts money into my account for food shopping/kids stuff (£100 a week) then he can act how he likes and we should be thankful he is putting a roof over our heads. I don't have a job. He has always been clear that his work means that he wouldn't be offering to assist with childcare so I have stayed at home.

Maybe we should feel thankful for our home but it feels so suffocating. He has said tonight that he isn't transferring money anymore, if I want out then he owes me nothing and that he knows I won't get financial help and cannot afford private rent so I can choose to stay married or I can live in misery all because I decided I was no longer happy.

I am in absolute pieces and I know a lot of this is my fault. I should have left years ago but I thought I was doing the right thing and now I have basically screwed myself. I feel utterly hopeless and I don't have any friends because our home was always so unpredictable I would have hated for outsiders to see it. He said tonight (upon seeing the state of his bedroom) that he hates my eldest son and would "stab him in the head happily". Who even says that?!

Am I overreacting as he says!? is it normal to have to bend around your spouses moods like this? Please help me. I don't even have a bed to sleep in tonight. I either have to go to our bed or sleep on my sons floor.

it's not you. he's an abusive shit head. ring women's aid. being poor is infintiely better than being crushed, and you won't be THAT poor.

Ring Women's Aid and get advice. Is there anywhere you can go with the DCs during the day tomorrow for some respite? If you can get through the weekend, you can contact all the agencies on Tuesday but do remember that you can use the domestic violence helpline at any time:

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/if-you-are-a-woman-experiencing-domestic-violence.aspx

Dog - yes I have heard too that you can get a foster placement whilst you leave your violent partner; I can imagine how worried you are for the dog too.

I know a lot of this is my fault

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Sorry to shout, but really, it's not

OP none of this is normal. It sounds extremely difficult.

Speak to Women's Aid, get advice.

0808 2000 247 Freephone 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Please cover your tracks on line.

www.womensaid.org.uk/cover-your-tracks-online/

This man sounds totally awful, please make your plans and get away.

"plus the small matter of our 11 yr old family dog which OH hates too who I know couldn't come with me which will break my kids hearts"

You may find that an animal charity could help you. RSPCS cannot at the moment but their website has a page of other places that may be able to help.

www.rspca.org.uk/whatwedo/care/petretreat

When you are safely away you can address the debt and can look at getting a career and living a life free of fear.

www.stepchange.org/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_NST8MKw2AIVjr_tCh1IsQLgEAAYBCAAEgKm5fD_BwE

PS "I am in absolute pieces and I know a lot of this is my fault"

NO it is his fault not your fault. You are not to blame. You need to remember he is the arsehole here, you do not need to live subject to his ridiculous behaviour.

If you are in fear for your safety, or that or your kids, please do call the police.

I can't really add to all the comments you've already had, but this really does sound awful for you and your children. Even if it's small steps at first, get a plan, make the leap and don't look back. Wish you all the best for a New Year free from this man - you can do it x

This is awful. You need to leave him as soon as possible. Have you spoken to your family. Are you absolutely sure you can't squeeze in with a family member. If I was related to you I would want you to move out this second with the kids and I would find room one way or another. I'd rather share a room in a relatives house with all three kids than live with him.

For him to say he would happily stab your son in the head is deeply disturbing and worrying.

If you can't move out is there a possibility that your eldest son would or could stay with a relative. It's one thing for you as an adult to put up with your DH but it's another thing all together for a child to.

Dearest OP I have been in your shoes.

It took me years to leave and no-one outside who hadn't experienced this could understand. I felt like I deserved it, almost and had no right to leave. We do have the right to decide we want to be content and safe. I did leave eventually and he's kicking up hell, but the longer I'm not under the same roof, the less I care. Please, please call WA and chat to someone. It does not commit you to anything but may be the first step to freedom for you. This is not your fault. Feel free to PM me and be careful to cover your tracks on line and keep your plans to yourself. Google Greyrock for hints to keep him quiet while you gear yourself up. You are able to leave and you will when you are ready. You don't need an abusive man, which your one is a solid gold example of, to give you permission to leave. The sane world gives you permission! Good luck, OP, thinking of you with support and warmth. From a fellow sufferer who is now blissfully free.

OP he has made a threat about killing your child.
You are no longer risking your own safety you are riskirisking your children too.

Please go to the poilce and report this. Once you have reported it the housing have a duty of care to keep you minor children safe and you should get a house then.

Please if not for yourself do it for your kids.
You can't get them back once they are gone.

Please please get out ASAP. He threatened your child. This is not your fault. Your husband is abusing you and your children.

It is not your fault OP. Was in a similar (but not as bad) situation and WA helped me report to police and get a solicitor. Next threat he got removed by police and I went to court for a non-molestation order and occupation order.

It worked and I'm now divorcing him. He's never admitted the abuse (financial and emotional, very devious) and is making life difficult during divorce but it's a million times better than living with him. The hardest bit was to believe what he was doing was wrong, and not my fault. It takes time but it can get much better. for you OP and good luck.

He threatened to kill your child. I have come to understand from reading mumsnet that adolescent step children become very much at risk of injury or worse from abusive and violent step parents. Please report him now, today. Your child is at risk of harm or even death. The police will take this allegation seriously.

Please please please please report the threat to police. Getbsupport from womens aid. You are in an abusive relationship again and just because he hasn't hit you, it doesn't mean he wouldn't.

He sounds absolutely awful and it's not fair or safe for any of you to be living in fear.

Lack of money/housing can't be an excuse when things are this bad. There's help out there to get you all out of this awful situation so please access it and dont make excuses for him. None of this is anything to do with you. He is a nasty bully.

A lady I work with is a member of this organisation:

http://www.oldies.org.uk

Don't let your lovely dog stop you from leaving. You may find a foster carer who will take him in until you can get back on your feet.

You need to leave and I really do know what a mountain that must feel like at the moment but start planning. Wishing you well x

Thank goodness you are married. You do have rights to the home and his pension no matter what he says. Get advice and get away from him now.

Sorry OP. But this is a DV relationship;
1.He has control of your finances
2.He smashes things up over trivial matters
3.Shouts for no reason
4.Knows his behaviour is unacceptable but tells you to accept it because he pays for everything (red light straight away).

1. Doesn't assist with DC care because he has a job and you don't.
2. He says it's all in your head (even though he knows he's wrong and has an excuse for it)

Please seek help. One day there may not be a plate to smash within reach. Don't risk any harm upon yourself or your children. This is very sad but you need to feel safe at home and not scared.

Omg how did I miss half of the post.

To add to my previous reply. He's threatened violence towards your child and he's threatened to cut off finances...I can't see this as anything but DV.

You need to leave him. Seek help xx

This may be overwhelming for you op which I can fully relate to. It’s devastating when you think about the enormity of his behaviour and its effect on dc. But remember it is not your fault. You are in an extremely abusive relationship and have been gaslighted to almost extinction. Keep strong and call WA. They will only support you, they won’t push you or out you.

You will be much better off financially after the divorce. You will get more than half of the house.

With such a dick, getting through the point at which you have a final financial settlement will be a hard but once you are there oh my goodness your life will be a million times better.

He has said today that he wants me gone but he knows he cannot afford to divorce me. Has put on a show of playing with our 3yo all day. I am just staying quiet until after the bank holiday

OP we are all here for you.

he just turned me and asked what was for dinner. I cannot type my response but I don't think it was what he was expecting.

I’m so sorry OP. This is most definitely not ‘all in your head’. When I was in an abusive relationship (before I had come to recognise it as such) I ended up taking antidepressants too. They didn’t make the slightest bit of difference to how I felt, and I can now see that that’s because I wasn’t actually depressed at all. I was just trapped in a miserable situation without even realising it.

Obviously it may not be the same for you, but at the very least this awful situation cannot be helping your mental state one bit.

Please do call Women’s Aid and try to talk to someone in real life if at all possible. Try not to get bogged down with the details for now. I know that when you start thinking about house hunting and all the legal stuff and your dog etc. it must feel exhausting and you probably find yourself thinking it’s easier to just stay put. But I can promise you that those things DO get sorted and millions of people in the same situation have managed it. You CAN do it. Focus on what you want and need to happen, and take it one step at a time.

I have no new advise OP except to say my Mum left a controlling emotionally abusive man and I believe I would not be the strong woman I am today. She was so much happier once she had left and life had settled down and although it was hard she is so much better off for it. Looking back 30 or so years later she would say it was the best decision she made.

I agree with UnRavellingFast this is gaslighting.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

OP please take a look at this article. It was posted on another thread.

I am not suggesting this could happen but of course it could to anyone who has a dangerous husband or partner.

Please do speak to women's aid.

www.theguardian.com/society/2017/jun/17/we-didnt-recognise-that-he-was-dangerous-our-father-killed-our-mother-and-sister?CMP=fb_gu