Midwife Consultant bully!

[libertysilk]

Expecting my third child, and, as I'm 45, am monitored quite a lot. I have 3 weeks to go. I've had a complication free pregnancy. Scans and tests all normal and within expected parameters.
Due to my age, I've been refused the option of giving birth in my local birth centre as its not attached to a maternity ward. I challenged this, and was booked an appointment with a midwife consultant.
She wants me to be induced at 38 weeks, due to statistics of women my age having problems. She keeps saying I'll haemorrhage or have a still born. In a meeting on Wednesday she took my hand in hers, and placed it on her stomach. Said she wants the best for me and wished me well.
My midwife has ok'd me for a home birth, and disagrees with the consultant.
I feel I'm being scare mongered, and bullied.
I'm part of a group run by a midwife and doula with 38 years experience between them. They support me along with my midwife, and say I am healthy and fit and perfectly able to have baby at home. They've said the midwife consultant is behaving professionally and is bullying me, and I should report her.
I'm in two minds.
I'm not naive, and will not put my baby at risk, but, this is putting huge stress on my pregnancy, including confusing and upsetting the father too.
AIBU to be upset?

She placed your hand on her stomach? Wtf!? I would write a complaint about her comments AND her frigging lack of bedside manner.

That's really odd behaviour, I would report, yes. What does your obstetrician say about early induction?

Sorry but I’d be asking to see an actual consultant, not a midwife with a glorified title!

Really odd. I’d ask to speak to someone else, (maybe an obstetrician).

A lot of hospitals are now adopting the practice of nduction between 38-40 weeks for older mothers due to evidence based research showing an increased risk of stillbirth/IUD at term for such women. It’s not bullying or scare mongering to tell you of the facts so you can make an informed choice.

However the hand on the stomach thing sounds very odd.

www.rcog.org.uk/globalassets/documents/guidelines/scientific-impact-papers/sip_34.pdf

She sounds awful! That type of tactic is so manipulative- doubtless she will want the best outcome for you and your baby - but imagine if you weren’t as well informed, confident and articulate as you sound - there are lots of people that she would have scared into a birth and labour that they didn’t want!

I would complain about her.

The only thing I would say, is that when I met someone with these views (genuinely held beliefs that my baby and I would be unsafe if I gave birth at home) it made me revaluate my choice and consider all the possibilities and weigh up risks and benefits - it made me doubly sure that I wanted a Home birth!

Yes having a baby is more riskier when you are older. And?

I had a consultant (obstetrician) who was similar. He told me I would kill my baby if I had her at home.
I laughed at him and walked out.
I had her at home, and she is very much Alive.

It's your risk, not their risk.

Go with your instincts, they can't force you to be induced.

I was also pressured into an induction as I was 43, they told me they didn't want me to have a dead baby. Awful. I felt like I had no choice.

Had an induction at 40 weeks but ended up with so many complications due to the induction. Felt like I was treated as a statistic and my otherwise very good pregnancy and general fitness was ignored. If there is a next time for me I will go by instincts ...

Wish you all the best with your birth

Honestly?

It sounds as if you're caught between two agendas.

Your MW consultant on the one hand, who is certainly displaying unprofessional behaviour and coming across in a rather patronising manner, and this 'group' on the other hand, which with good intentiosn may be pushing a set of beliefs that are not the most appropriate for you and your situation. As a PP says, there is an evidence base for increased risks due to your age.

When you complain of the MW consultant 'confusing and upsetting the father', do you mean that he is worried and questioning your homebirth plans? He is entitled to do that.

Get another opinion from an actual doctor. Whatever you decide, good luck.

The holding hands sounds manipulative.

Like the others though, she's just giving her opinion-she doesn't know that you need to be induced any more than the others know that things would go well at a home birth.

I had a baby in mid 40s - it is my local nhs policy to recommend induction at 40 weeks if no problems - in fact my consultant wouldnt go a day earlier as i asked about beong induced at 38/39 weeks - so it certaintly isnt a national standard.

OP I had a very similar experience when I was pregnant with twins at 45 (46 when i gave birth), BUT this was my first pregnancy and it was twins, of course. Nevertheless I went to a first meeting with the consultant along with my partner and doula. She was a very glamorous woman in her late 30s, obviously very capable but with no social skills (and I would hazard a guess - no children).When I said meekly that I would like the birth to be as natural as possible, she practically snorted that the conception had been the least natural thing (I'd had IVF). My partner had to hold me back from leaping over the table to punch her! She 'bullied' me into an induction at 38 weeks (considered term for twins at that hospital at least) and I was just too scared to stand up to her. I had a total nightmare with induction, lasted 3 days and eventually I had to have an emergency c-section (which was all fine btw). I was convinced that my boys would have made their appearance when they were good and ready had I left them to it. I had also had a really easy pregnancy and was fitter than many 25 year-olds... HOWEVER, of course there are things to take into consideration as an 'older' mother, which you need to be made aware of. If you have all of this information - and the support of your doula and midwife (I would talk to the midwives at the hospital too as chances are they have a different view to the consultant) and have a back-up plan in case the worst should happen, then I would proceed with your birth plan unless, or until, nature tells you otherwise. Obstetrics is one of the most litigated against areas of medicine which is why I think the consultants sometimes put process above all else and forget the human side. I would complain ( I wish I had) and ask to change your consultant - or even hospital? Good luck with it all. You will decide what is best for you and for your baby.

Whilst the midwife consultant sounds batshit I think unfortunately the advice is correct, my third labour was my worse and most painful. I also would have died had I been in water like my first.

Listen to the advice even if you don’t like how it was delivered

Go private?

I can never understand why pregnant women seem to think they know better than the expert who is treating them
Putting a hand on your stomach is a bit intimate, but not worthy of the hysteria on here, and telling you what you don't want to hear does not mean she is bullying you, fgs.
We all have a duty to cost the NHS as little as possible, but for some reason, pregnant women seem to be immune from this and can make all sorts of costly demands which are often pandered to.
In my world, there would be no choices - you would get what the experts recommend or pay to go private.
The fact the NHS is free at point of use means we don't put a value on its worth.

Why wouldn’t you heed the advice of more senior medical professionals?

Very irresponsible behaviour from a prospective parent.

No, it doesn't. But if I presented at hospital with, say, a broken leg, I would not expect to be able to demand how I wanted it to be treated. I would expect the experts to know best.
If you want special treatment to your individual taste, go private.
We all agree the NHS is on its knees and posts threads like this illustrate one of the reasons why.

They don't want you or the baby on their stats but at the end of the day it's your decision. Personally after three miscarriages I didn't want to take the risk and had a sweep at 39 weeks with DS2 and he arrived about 12 hours later. In the hospital. With those lovely life saving machines all around us if something had gone wrong. I was 40.

Read guidelines and make your decision from there.

The last thing a consultant midwife or doctor for that matter is to say to you home birth is ok when it is not what is recommended in the guidelines and if something happened you would blame them.

They can't win.

We all have a duty to cost the NHS as little as possible, but for some reason, pregnant women seem to be immune from this and can make all sorts of costly demands which are often pandered to.

This isn’t true actually. Pregnant women aren’t offered any more choice, ime as a patient, than anyone being treated. I agree that the nhs is sometimes taken for granted. I actually think the op should speak to a doctor, rather than deciding for herself or based on the advice of her group or doula. But the choice is ultimately hers, just as it is the choice of any patient to heed the advice of a doctor / nurse.

Pengggwn

We, as a nation, need to have a serious think and discussion about what we want the NHS to be.

IVF, liver ops for drunks, A&E accepting and treating the drunk every weekend, those who choose to participate in extreme sports, clinically obese people who refuse to change diet/living styles to get fitter etc - should they all be part of the same system?

I think the pp was suggesting that, if any treatment is refused because you (as an untrained patient with google at your fingertips) don’t want it, then you should have to go private. That seems reasonable.

If you can’t afford to go private then accept the free professional advice and treatment that has been offered.

In my world, Sleep, it would not be the OP's decision, unless she funded it.