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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick to death of this

56 replies

FeckinInLaws · 29/12/2017 20:56

Settle in this could be long.
I have real issues with DH and him trying to please everyone.
I am at the bottom of that list.
He lends money to people without telling me.
Arranges things with his family that I am just told about i.e we are going here on this date, no would you like to do this.
Anyway, Christmas we always host.
DH has a friend with 2 DD in their late 20's.
One daughter A is very sweet and nicertainly the other one B not nice at all.
Everything is about her, she gets drunk and quite rude .
Her mum and dad are divorced and her mum is just like her.
B and her mum upset me quite badly a while ago so I kind of cut contact with her. Just deleted from FB etc.
So DH friendsometimes comes to us at Christmas, normally on his own as the girls go to their mums. But A has been once.
A few weeks before he states that he is having both girls for Christmas.
He is aware that B can be difficult and said he was having them at his house.
I said to DH 'thank god' as I really didn't want B to spoil my christmas as especially after she upset me I didn't want to be in her company.
Christmas eve DH has informed me he has asked his friend to come. A is working that day so we will have to have dinner late. B is going to her mums.
I was a bit miffed at this that our whole day has been changed for A, we have both sides of the family over and normally eat quite early.
Friend arrives christmas day with B. DH just smiles at me. I know this has been the plan all along but do not say anything so as not to upset the festivities.
B starts off being quite rude. Then as she slowly gets drunk tells me how she hates christmas and doesn't know why her dad forced her to come.
Eats everything in sight, then it's how bad her life is. Tears etc.
Perks up a bit over dinner.
Dinner which we eventually got when A phoned to say she wasn't now coming!
B gets more drunk, is rude to my niece. Calls a cab and goes home with 2 bottles if our expensive champagne.

DH just laughed at her behaviour, he said he couldn't ask his friend without asking A and B.
Do he knew all along.
This really ruined my day.
I haven't said anything yet as we have a house full until new year.
Am I in the wrong for being upset with DH and would you bring this up?

OP posts:
Ohmyfuck · 29/12/2017 20:58

Omg! Yes! I would bloody bring it up! How disrespectful and selfish and just awful.

Ohmyfuck · 29/12/2017 20:59

When did you notice she'd stolen your champagne? Her or her father should reimburse you asap.

AuntieStella · 29/12/2017 21:00

Yes, of course you bring it up with D(ickbrain)H because there's clearly a communication issipue between the two of you that needs tackling.

But I'd be quite worried about B too, because she sounds just so unhappy.

Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 21:01

tell your DH if he invites her again.. he can take them to his favorite 'open Christmas day' restaurant .. because you will no have them in the house again... so he can entertain them elsewhere whilst you and the Family enjoy a peaceful non insulting Christmas Dinner Flowers

Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 29/12/2017 21:02

She didn't steal the chamagnetic. DH gave it to her.
She wanted to continue partying. To be honest I was just glad she went.

OP posts:
KeepServingTheDrinks · 29/12/2017 21:04

Although I also think you should be reimbursed for your champagne, I think this has very little to do with friend and A child and B child and everything to do with your DH.
And, to an extent what you are allowing.

Why are you doing EVERYTHING?

WHY don't your needs and wants and desires count for anything?
Is he lovely to you in other ways?
This:
DH just smiles at me. I know this has been the plan all along
bothers me on your behalf.

Are you happy being with this man?

MrsMozart · 29/12/2017 21:05

I'd be having words with 'D' H and he wouldn't be enjoying them.

Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 29/12/2017 21:12

Sorry for typos on phone.
Yes I know the problem is not her behaviour but 'D' H having no regards for my feelings.
This happens a lot and that is why I am so fed up Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 29/12/2017 21:20

AuntieStella
She is very unhappy but I have tried to help her in the past and nothing works.
She drinks a lot and takes cocaine then wonders why she is depressed.
To be honest when she upset me I have washed my hands of her.

OP posts:
KeepServingTheDrinks · 29/12/2017 21:45

This happens a lot and that is why I am so fed up

So what can you do to change that will make a change?

I notice you didn't answer my questions about is he otherwise lovely?

Or whether or not you happy (generally) being with this person?

Tinselistacky · 29/12/2017 21:51

At the very least you deserve a week end away at dh expense.

Tistheseason17 · 29/12/2017 22:00

I foresee next Xmas being the same. Buy cheap bubbly next year Xmas Grin

Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 29/12/2017 22:05

KeepServingTheDrinks
No I'm not happy and no he isn't otherwise lovely.
I just think this is the last think to tip me over the edge.
But not sure if it is me or DH being unreasonable in this instance.
I knew she would behave like this, DH knew she would behave like this.
He knew I wouldn't like her coming but he didn't care.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 29/12/2017 22:08

He is taking you for granted OP
You deserve a little consideration too
tell him how annoying it is for you and make him understand

placebobebo · 29/12/2017 22:19

Time to go absolutely ballistic at your DH.
He is used to you being a people pleaser and allowing yourself to be walked over and not cause a scene.

Let it all out. All of the hurt about him not respecting your wishes. How doing this makes it feel like you are in the relationship alone as he doesn't have your back. You are meant to be a team but he is as bad as the rest of them, if not worse because deep down he does know how you feel but is banking on you not wanting to cause a scene.
Tell him the next time he does this you will leave for the day and let him sort his own mess out. He will think this is all bluster so when he does rock up with a surprise guest or event you tell him it isn't happening and stick to it. Arrange your own thing and go, or withdraw that money he has promised to someone else. He won't believe you are serious till you pull the rug out from under him.

Maelstrop · 29/12/2017 22:24

So he smiled at you as she walked. He knew inviting her would upset you so he deliberately ruined your Christmas Day. Wanker. Time to make a decision, OP.

Therealjudgejudy · 29/12/2017 22:26

For goodness sake. How can you be so wet as to let your own husband treat you like this? He clearly doesn't love you so get rid of him.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/12/2017 22:29

I hope everything works out for you, op, but I stopped reading when you said the couple being divorced. I don't get why that was necessary.

Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 29/12/2017 22:40

Awwlookatmybabyspider
Just background info as to why the friend comes here for christmas normally without the girls.
Why is that a strange thing?
As I said DH does many things like this.
I just wanted opinions on if this was something to go mad about. I know if I say something he will try to minimise it.
But I was so angry that he didn't care about my feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 29/12/2017 23:40

So aibu?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 29/12/2017 23:51

Fuck no.

IrkThePurist · 29/12/2017 23:56

He is being at best, passive aggressive towards you. And thats being generous to him. The fact he does it all then minimizes it would make me concerned for you if you were my friend.

ButteredScone · 30/12/2017 00:05

This is awful. Your DH totally degraded your day and put you second to his friend. You had done all the work and then he did that to your Christmas. It doesn't matter whether the guests were angels, your should have had a say in who was coming.

TBH, the whole A and B stuff is irrelevant. This is about respect from your DH.

Obviously his friend is never coming for Christmas again either.

Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 30/12/2017 00:05

IrkThePurist
Wish you were my friend x

OP posts:
Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 30/12/2017 00:16

ButteredScone
You are exactly right.
It makes me sad that he thinks so little if me.
My daybeds ruined. I'm waiting until guests leave (from his family) until I say something.
But I know he will try and say I'm mad.
When I complain to him about his behaviour his normal response is "you are mad and really need to see someone".
Feel line going to my mums but DC 12 and 15 will get upset

OP posts:
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