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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick to death of this

56 replies

FeckinInLaws · 29/12/2017 20:56

Settle in this could be long.
I have real issues with DH and him trying to please everyone.
I am at the bottom of that list.
He lends money to people without telling me.
Arranges things with his family that I am just told about i.e we are going here on this date, no would you like to do this.
Anyway, Christmas we always host.
DH has a friend with 2 DD in their late 20's.
One daughter A is very sweet and nicertainly the other one B not nice at all.
Everything is about her, she gets drunk and quite rude .
Her mum and dad are divorced and her mum is just like her.
B and her mum upset me quite badly a while ago so I kind of cut contact with her. Just deleted from FB etc.
So DH friendsometimes comes to us at Christmas, normally on his own as the girls go to their mums. But A has been once.
A few weeks before he states that he is having both girls for Christmas.
He is aware that B can be difficult and said he was having them at his house.
I said to DH 'thank god' as I really didn't want B to spoil my christmas as especially after she upset me I didn't want to be in her company.
Christmas eve DH has informed me he has asked his friend to come. A is working that day so we will have to have dinner late. B is going to her mums.
I was a bit miffed at this that our whole day has been changed for A, we have both sides of the family over and normally eat quite early.
Friend arrives christmas day with B. DH just smiles at me. I know this has been the plan all along but do not say anything so as not to upset the festivities.
B starts off being quite rude. Then as she slowly gets drunk tells me how she hates christmas and doesn't know why her dad forced her to come.
Eats everything in sight, then it's how bad her life is. Tears etc.
Perks up a bit over dinner.
Dinner which we eventually got when A phoned to say she wasn't now coming!
B gets more drunk, is rude to my niece. Calls a cab and goes home with 2 bottles if our expensive champagne.

DH just laughed at her behaviour, he said he couldn't ask his friend without asking A and B.
Do he knew all along.
This really ruined my day.
I haven't said anything yet as we have a house full until new year.
Am I in the wrong for being upset with DH and would you bring this up?

OP posts:
Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 30/12/2017 00:17

So sorry for typos
Can't be bothered to correct
Had a bit too much Wine

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 30/12/2017 00:21

you allow these people to walk over you.. because you worry too much about upsetting everyone around you whilst they PISS all over you...

you need to get a grip of him by the balls and make him listen Flowers

Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 30/12/2017 00:24

Gemini69

I know but he doesn't see itSad

OP posts:
IrkThePurist · 30/12/2017 00:34

He can see it. Can you leave? This cant be your life, being bullied and belittled. Could you make plans next year?

Gemini69 · 30/12/2017 00:35

he doesn't want to see it.. he's King of his own Castle... nothing you have tried up til now has worked ... try something different... do the exact opposite of everything else you've tried and he has ignored...

Your Kids will be okay.. they're not toddlers anymore but young adults in their teens now.. they will be learning his behaviour.. and will treat their future wives in the manner in which their Father treats their darling Mother ... it's not something you want them repeating Flowers

PositivelyPERF · 30/12/2017 00:39

Are you going to wait until you start being treated like this by your own children? They will disrespect you when they see him behaving towards you in this way, OP. I wouldn't do anything tonight, as you've had ado me drink and he will just dismiss you as being drunk. He sounds like a fucking arsehole and you deserve a lot better.

ButteredScone · 30/12/2017 00:40

Are you expected to look after his family? Is he at home or at work?

MiddleClassProblem · 30/12/2017 00:45

“You need to see someone”

“Yes, hopefully one day I will be seeing someone else. Bye, bye.”

If only.

B clearly has some deep cut issues but it doesn’t mean it’s for you to save her or deal with her behaviour, least of all on Christmas Day.

Can you leave for a break at least? Get your head together and come up with a plan? Maybe take the boys? When does school start?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/12/2017 00:55

He’s right about one thing, you need to see someone.

A solicitor.

It’s not all ‘in your head’. He’s an actual real bastard.

Can you make up an excuse your kids will buy for you going to your Mum’s? Or can you take them with you?

You need to separate, for your sake & theirs.

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 30/12/2017 00:55

OMG. I really think you are in trouble if you have come onto MN to ask if YABU. I cannot believe your husband did this to you. It shows no interest, respect, care, love or consideration for you at all. None. He has shown his mate care by inviting him and his gobby daughter, but you are expected to put up with his shit because that’s just the way it is??

And you did put up with it, and you are still putt8ng up with it. You won’t say anything because you have à houseful of his relatives staying???

Leave. Explain to your children why you are leaving and offer them the chance to go with you. DO NOT GO BACK TO THIS MAN. Unless you want to continue being his doormat, bottom of the list ‘D’ W.

You know, people will only treat you badly if you let them Your DH did this because he knew he could. Have you had enough of his contempt yet?? You sound like a lovely, loyal and decent woman- your kids aren’t babies. Get away.

Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 30/12/2017 00:55

School starts 3rd Jan
Can't take the DC anywhere.
He makes them think IABU all the time.
If I leave they will think it's mum being out of order.
I'm a SAHM I'm 47 have not worked for 15 years I'm trapped. Sad and fed up.
Sorry for the sadefest. I'm going to confront him about this. Just wanted advise on If iabu to think this situation was wrong

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 30/12/2017 00:55

When I complain to him about his behaviour his normal response is "you are mad and really need to see someone".

He really isn't a nice man.
He not only puts you at the bottom of his priority list, he gas lights you and questions your sanity?

Friend and Daughters A and B are bit part players in this - your ONE AND ONLY problem is this man. So YANBU. Get over to the relationships board, link this thread, and start gathering strength to tackle this.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/12/2017 00:56

Is it just his family staying with you now? Do you have friends or family you could go and visit for New Year and leave him with his guests? Then come back in January and start divorce proceedings?

WelshMoth · 30/12/2017 00:58

What did you do for work pre-children?
There is always a job. Always.

Start planning OP, start planning. Don't put up with this shit. Life is too short.

Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 30/12/2017 01:01

Thank you all for your replies.
Do you think I would be bad for going ro my mum tomorrow without DC just for a couple of days?
Will upset DC and his family staying over

OP posts:
ButteredScone · 30/12/2017 01:03

Go to your mum’s. Just say you need a break from hosting. Offer your DC to come with you if they would like.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/12/2017 01:07

You do really need to see someone - a solicitor.

rcit · 30/12/2017 01:07

I’d ask your dh directly (once you empty your house of visitors) why he thinks it’s ok for B to come over and be self indulgent and rude on Christmas Day. I’d also say that in view of this, it isn’t to happen again.

I’d also say that you’d like clear and timely communication of who he’s invited and when. Plus that it is unacceptable to invite people before checking dates with you and unacceptable to invite people you don’t want in your home.

How does your dh behave otherwise towards you? He sounds very controlling, manipulative and like a gas lighter if he then makes out you are mad when you raise a valid issue.

Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 30/12/2017 01:09

WelshMoth your post hits the nail on the head.
I'm sorry too drunk now and going to bed. Can't do anything until guests leave.
Glad you all think ianbu

OP posts:
GottadoitGottadoit · 30/12/2017 01:11

I think it would be fine to escape for a couple of days. Let him host.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 30/12/2017 01:11

Sweetie, there are so many "LTB" threads on here, which I generally click away from, but in your case, please, please think about LTB.

He's an arse.

Go to your mums.

Go anywhere, but get out of this.

I've got phone numbers of places who will give you shelter. PM me if you need them.

Thinking of you. x

Original poster
FeckinInLaws · 30/12/2017 01:13

And thank you so much your replies x

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2017 01:25

FeckinInLaws

"I'm a SAHM I'm 47 have not worked for 15 years I'm trapped. Sad and fed up." Please start working out your strategy of what is going to change. Is your marriage with saving with counselling or do you want to leave and start again?

Your husband sound horrible and unfair to you, please think carefully about what you will do.

It's clearly not just about Christmas but about so much more.

It's your call, you could stay or go, your life is not over. Do you have children? You could work again and if your kids are younger they will still need their father's support.

Do you think your husband can change? If not, do you want to waste any more time being treated so badly? Whatever happens you are not wrong to be angry, but then you know that. Thanks

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 30/12/2017 01:33

OP this isn't a man who is thoughtlessly putting you at the bottom of his list of priorities. He is actively and deliberately being cruel and abusive.

Go to your mum's and while you're there start making plans to leave him. How he deals with his family is up to him.The DCs are old enough to cope and even to understand. And if they don't, then you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of them copying his behaviour.

And next time he says "you are mad and really need to see someone" YOU ARE NOT. If you can't bring yourself to believe that because of years of his treatment of you, please, please hear my voice in your head telling you so.

Thinking of you and wishing you strength to see what's happening.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/12/2017 01:36

If your Mum is someone you can confide in then go. Make up an excuse like she’s poorly or something for the guests.

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