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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not get why I have to 'respect' his wishes. Trigger warning!

73 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 29/12/2017 18:57

I was in an abusive relationship at 14, until I was 18, with a boy my age. He was both physically and sexually abusive and raped me on more than one occasion. When it all came out, he was mildly ostracised by my closer friends, but not our wider social circle. He's very charming, I'm clunky and autistic so I imagine they believe whatever he's told them.
He's been living as a woman for three years now, and this occasionally comes up at social events. I rarely attend anything he will be at, but if he isn't there, he's mentioned. Everyone else makes the effect to refer to him as she, and by his new female name (very similar to his birth name).
I don't, because a. Fuck him, he didn't respect my wishes, my autonomy and my identity, and b. I'd rather not discuss him at all.
Apparently this has now led to me being branded transphobic, as he's told them all what he did to me was a way of dealing with his feelings about his own body, and that I should forgive and accept him.
I find it really hard to pretend he is a woman, with a woman's body, when I have traumatising memories to the contrary.
Sorry for the essay, but AIBU to not make an effort to use his pronouns?
To be clear I have other trans and gender non conforming friends and do use their pronouns, it's this one person that's a stumbling block for me.

OP posts:

PinkHeart5914 · 29/12/2017 19:01

Imo respect isn’t a right and he had none for you so if I’m completely honest I’d struggle to respect his/her wishes

I don’t personally care what someone is or isn’t as long as they are nice to me, if they are unkind to me I sure as hell am not being kind to them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2017 19:02

Fuck him. I’m incredibly sorry for what you’ve been through and for how your “friends” have been betrayed you. Disgusting that people will use anything to excuse a rapist.

Maelstrop · 29/12/2017 19:02

YANBU and given he was old enough to know better during his abusive time with you, I would not be forgiving him either. I don’t think this is about being transphobic, it’s about refusing to respect your rapist-quite rightly, tbh. He’s just deflecting the crimes he perpetrated by using his transition in this way to still control and manipulate you. Ignore the idiot.

cardeyscat · 29/12/2017 19:03

Male or female, he/she raped you and is a rapist. If I were your friend, I would describe him/her as a monster. I'm surprised you are not getting the moral support you need and deserve. Perhaps you need to distance yourself from the rapist and these disloyal friends? It must be hard to be confronted by this regularly.

haveacupofteaandamincepie · 29/12/2017 19:04

YANBU and your friends don't sound like very good friends

ferntwist · 29/12/2017 19:05

YANBU. So sorry to hear what happened to you. He is an abusive, manipulative man and is trying to keep manipulating people with his latest version of himself.
It might interest you to hear that recent research has found that at least 40% of trans-identified prisoners in the U.K. are sex offenders.

hahahaIdontgetit · 29/12/2017 19:05

Have you told them what he did? If they have not ostracised him I would be finding a new friendship group.

newtlover · 29/12/2017 19:06

do all these other people know what he did?
bollocks to 'dealing with his feelings about his own body'
very sorry this happened, and I don't think you should worry about being called a transphobe, that's just nonsense

Original poster

Darknessinthevalley · 29/12/2017 19:07

Friends may be an overstatement. I've since moved away from my home town and these are mainly school friends that I see maybe twice a year at most. That's been ebbing too to be honest, I'm still pretty young so most of my school friends are still at home living with parents, I'm the one that only returns occasionally, so it's not too bad. But it may be time to cut the cord there too.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/12/2017 19:07

YANBU

On no planet should a rape victim be required to be kind to her rapist

Mrsmadevans · 29/12/2017 19:08

Was he not charged?
I think you need to go down this route espesh if he has admitted to doing these awful things to you.
I don't see how you can move on from this otherwise and until you get justice you are you may not even then be able to move on going to feel bitter and very upset about him. I don't see it as anything to do with his gender either. I hope you feel able to move on from this my dear it is very distressing for you .

Original poster

Darknessinthevalley · 29/12/2017 19:08

They know, to a point. He attacked me violently at school several times and frequently in front of friends, so they know he was physically abusive, and many know about the rape. However he has told them all I'm super into BDSM and it was all role play stuff that I took wrong.

OP posts:

newtlover · 29/12/2017 19:08

you could still go to the police
maybe talk to rape crisis?

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2017 19:09

Yanbu

If he was a women he'd never have acted like an entitled violent man towards you would he.

I am truly sorry for what happened to you and no you do not owe him anything. You don't need to respect any "right" to pronouns if he was truly sorry hed never have come near you again.

And I hope you find some better friends. One's who deserve you.

Nikephorus · 29/12/2017 19:11

as he's told them all what he did to me was a way of dealing with his feelings about his own body, and that I should forgive and accept him.
Call him whatever you want at this point. What a piece of shit. I'd be dumping those acquaintances too. You can do far better.

ButchyRestingFace · 29/12/2017 19:11

I’d get new friends. But then, I’m a big ol’ TERF.

Is he admitting now what he did to you, but just glossing over it as the product of gender confusion?

ferntwist · 29/12/2017 19:12

Report him to the police if you can stand it.

Mrsmadevans · 29/12/2017 19:13

Oh my dear you were 14 when it started just a child and he has told your friends that you were into BDSM . I would be very surprised if any of them believe him. You need help to come to terms with this . I am so sorry . This was/is not your fault.

sparklepops123 · 29/12/2017 19:15

He's using his situation now to justify what he did to you. No, there's no justification, cut all ties u can otherwise you'll be hearing this forever, move on, your worth a hell of a lot more

ButchyRestingFace · 29/12/2017 19:15

Oops, missed OP’ post at 19:08.

Yeuch, he sounds vile and manipulative. Not a lot has changed, obv.

Original poster

Darknessinthevalley · 29/12/2017 19:17

I'm in therapy, also a victim of CSE so we did have some consenting sexual contact because I was shown too much, too young sadly. I am working on it. I reported at the time but nothing came of it, so that was fun.
Unfortunately, many of the friends we had never liked me, so I do believe many believe him. His story changes regularly from 'idk what I was doing', 'I was taking out my resentment of her body on her' , 'yes we had sex but it was all role play and she wanted it'.
He's always been excellent at gaslighting. I really appreciate the support.

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 29/12/2017 19:19

Well fuck him, anyone who looks like him and the horse he rode in on. It's not transphobic to deny the wishes of your long term rapist and abuser. I'm sorry to say that there probably will always be people who side with him because that's how it goes for abuse survivors, but you don't have to care. I hope he drowns in a sea of artificial oestrogen.

roomsonfire · 29/12/2017 19:21

'I was taking out my resentment of her body on her'

This.... if people cannot see he is admitting to abuse and using abuse as a way of dealing with mental health issues then they are all complete tossers.

Remember if a man who is not identifying as a woman said 'I'm taking out my resentment of X on her' everyone would be in uproar of your treatment and continuing abuse and he would be in prison. He should be in prison.

yes, they are continuing that abuse for you by not believing you, not respecting you and not supporting you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2017 19:23

Oh you poor thing. The nastiness that comes out of his mouth. Either cut them all out of your life. Or report him to the police. I would do both if you are strong enough. He’s now admitted to rape and you know to whom.

It doesn’t surprise me that a large proportion of trans people now identifying as female. are sex offenders. It smacks of “if you can’t beat them join ‘em”.

Greensleeves · 29/12/2017 19:23

WTF?!?! He can stick his preferred pronouns up his hairy male arsehole

I would go to the police...but it's easy for me to say that. Do you feel you could?

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