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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get why I have to 'respect' his wishes. Trigger warning!

73 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 29/12/2017 18:57

I was in an abusive relationship at 14, until I was 18, with a boy my age. He was both physically and sexually abusive and raped me on more than one occasion. When it all came out, he was mildly ostracised by my closer friends, but not our wider social circle. He's very charming, I'm clunky and autistic so I imagine they believe whatever he's told them.
He's been living as a woman for three years now, and this occasionally comes up at social events. I rarely attend anything he will be at, but if he isn't there, he's mentioned. Everyone else makes the effect to refer to him as she, and by his new female name (very similar to his birth name).
I don't, because a. Fuck him, he didn't respect my wishes, my autonomy and my identity, and b. I'd rather not discuss him at all.
Apparently this has now led to me being branded transphobic, as he's told them all what he did to me was a way of dealing with his feelings about his own body, and that I should forgive and accept him.
I find it really hard to pretend he is a woman, with a woman's body, when I have traumatising memories to the contrary.
Sorry for the essay, but AIBU to not make an effort to use his pronouns?
To be clear I have other trans and gender non conforming friends and do use their pronouns, it's this one person that's a stumbling block for me.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 29/12/2017 19:24

Ordinarily I think it's important to use the pronouns people prefer: it shows consideration and respect, and that's good.

However, I don't think the pronouns you use when you refer to this rapist piece of crap are the real issue here (and for clarity, I'm going to use male pronouns because the person identified as male when you were involved with him).

I do think that the people who saw him attacking you violently, who know that he raped you, and who know how horribly he abused you, are not your friends.

If they were your friends they would have nothing to do with him. They would say to him, "You raped our friend Darkness and we want nothing to do with a rapist."

As they're happy to have this person in their social circle, they are happy to be friends with a known rapist.

They are happy to be friends with someone who treated you in the worst possible ways.

They are not your friends. They are nasty, rape-apologist bastards who do not deserve you in their lives.

Find new friends. These people are toxic and disloyal and abusive. You deserve better.

BakedBeans47 · 29/12/2017 19:24

YANBU

Fuck him, his feelings at being “dead named” Hmm and not having his preferred pronoun used are of way less importance than your feelings as a rape victim. I am so sorry that happened to you.

Mrsmadevans · 29/12/2017 19:25

I am so sorry my dear. You should not have had this happen to you. No child should.Goes without saying. I am so glad you are having therapy. Please continue with this and try to move on . The thing is with ppl who gaslight they get found out . You will not be the only victim I can almost guarantee you that. As for your joint 'friends' , they don't sound a very nice bunch why on earth do you care wth they think or say about you. I think you can move on and leave this behind you with a lot of self care and help from therapy. As for your rapist , he will be found out eventually , you just move on past the cruel rapist and make your life the best you can . Good luck my dear.

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 29/12/2017 19:26

Thank you again, I've found mumsnet to be hugely supportive, and I'll always appreciate that.
I did report him to the police at the time but it didn't go anywhere. Figures doesn't it.

OP posts:
Tippz · 29/12/2017 19:27

Sorry for what you went through. He sounds like a right C-word.

You are not in the wrong obviously! Maybe you should give your 'friends' a wide berth and try to expand your horizons and make new friends?

Flowers
stitchglitched · 29/12/2017 19:28

It is beyond contempt to expect a victim of rape to go along with the pretence that their rapist is now a woman. You owe this vile man nothing.

Rainbowmother · 29/12/2017 19:49

How dare he tell your friends that you should forgive him. Fuck hI'm. Can you report these things again? Would email even want to?

Rainbowmother · 29/12/2017 19:50

Sorry meant to say would you even want to try again reporting? Things have hopefully moved on with reporting sexual assault although I'm no expert and all easy for me to say

Touchmybum · 29/12/2017 19:54

Maybe revisit this with the police now? Have you talked it through with your therapist?

I wouldn't need any pronouns for this vile piece of shite; there are plenty of appropriate nouns, the 'kindest' being 'the rapist'.

I think you should remove yourself from the company of those berating you over the use of pronouns for this blot on the arse of humanity. You don't owe this vile creature anything; it's arrogant, entitled and completely lacking in any sense of proportion (and I use "it" as opposed to "he" or "she" advisedly).

I'm so sorry you had to go through such a horrible experience and so young. I have children who are 18 and 14 now and I don't know where I would stop if I thought anyone was putting them through what you were.

If your so-called friends don't have the commonsense and empathy to understand your position here, then don't waste your friendship on them any more, because they don't deserve it.

I wish you all the very best in life x

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 29/12/2017 19:58

I think it is time to stop meeting with these friends. It was expressed to me once or twice that they think I need to put it behind me as it makes things awkward. It hurts that so many people don't see that by not condemning him, they're supporting him. I'm told it's childish to say there can't be a neutral stance to this.
I don't have it in me to report again, honestly. I've no evidence, he's never directly incriminated himself and I've no evidence anymore. I just don't see the point, I've no faith in the justice system. He should be in prison, yes, but they won't put him there.

OP posts:
HappyCamperZZZ · 29/12/2017 19:58

This sounds horrific for you. As PP's have said - he deserves no respect whatsoever.

TheRottweiler · 29/12/2017 20:05

I don't get this 'transgender' malarky at all.

Are they like a Lily Savage character?

Is it just a fetish that they are acting out?

Are these men, that now like to 'identify' as a female, identifying to avoid rape accusations/charges?

I was a 'tomboy' as a youngster - does that mean that I should be 'identifying' as a male now?

Is it only males that can transgender?

Can females transgender?

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 29/12/2017 20:08

He says he has always known his male body was wrong, and now he has realised that he should have been born a woman. He dresses very ott, heavy make up, short skirts, giant fake boobs. I don't understand what goes on in his head, nor does he represent all transpeople, but for him it's a total caricature of femininity.

OP posts:
ferntwist · 29/12/2017 20:11

Darkness like so many trans-identified males, he’s a misogynist with a tiny sexualised idea of what a woman is.

Rottweiler the answer to all your questions is yes! Trans is whatever the hell they say it is on a particular day - usually men trying to tell the rest of us what to do (use their pronouns, invade our daughters changing rooms, take a woman’s place on the Jo Cox leadership scheme). It’s a male sexual rights movement essentially.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 29/12/2017 20:15

What's the betting he has kept intact the very thing he used as a weapon? Not content to rape women, he wants to become one now? He sounds like an evil misogynist who wants to invade ALL women's spaces if you ask me.

TheRottweiler · 29/12/2017 20:20

Ferntwist#

Ahhhh! I get it now.

Tossers then.

So glad that I personally don't know any.

SparklyUnicornTractors · 29/12/2017 20:23

So because you innocently happened to possess a body he resented he couldn't help having to rape it. And he is the victim and you are twice over the perpetrator, once for having biology he envied, and once for making him feel bad for raping you.

It's dehumanising, unbelievably narcissistic and pathological. And tied up with all this pseudo political crap the lobbyists are coming out with about 'trans people can't commit rape' (because you can't rape someone with higher privilege than you, and women are privileged because they naturally have female biology) and 'trans people can't be guilty of anything' (cos reasons, I can't fully unwind that one but it's again to do with a whole lot of wittering about privilege).

Get as far away from this individual as you can, and his handmaidens, and don't let him into your head.

SparklyUnicornTractors · 29/12/2017 20:23

And Flowers I am so sorry this bastard used you as he did.

sparklepops123 · 29/12/2017 20:43

He is an an abuser and they are all enablers, they can bring nothing positive to your life. Cut yourself free from everything that has to do with them. Trust me , given time you will feel so much better , what have you to lose ? X

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2017 20:46

You've got a good job, you've moved away and you've been happily married since you were 19.

I honestly wouldn't come back to visit any of these people ever again.

Just concentrate on what you've built since you moved away and fuck the lot of them Thanks

Ginkypig · 29/12/2017 20:51

I can't say this loudly enough dump the fucking lot of them and never ever look back

The people you know at school/when young are very unlikely to be the people know or infact would want to know 10/20/30 years later!

We sound like we had very similar experiences growing up. Csa then abusive partner at a very young age.

I got out at17/18 then cut ties with every single person who ever tried to make what he did my fault or put questions on what happened. I also cut out anyone who he was friends with because I didn't want him to be able to access information about me.

I know the truth of what happened to me you know the truth of what happened to you anyone who disrespects you or the experiences you had to go through dont deserve to have any connection to your life

I'm now in my 30's have a great (if boring) life. Im not in touch with anyone from school now. I'm still very careful about information he might be able to get about me. I don't miss any of them. If I see them in the street I chat politely for a couple of minutes and then go about my day.

The best thing I ever did was cut out all the negatives and start fresh in my adult life.

Sashkin · 29/12/2017 21:03

Lots of rapists rape women because they hate women. I don’t see why the exact specifics of why this particular rapist hates women would give him any kind of a pass.

These people are his friends (and rape apologists), they are not your friends. I expect when he rapes one of them (and violent rapists don’t tend to “go straight” so I expect it is just a matter of time) they will be sorry they created this environment where everyone tiptoes around the fact that he’s a violent rapist. But there’s not much you can do beyond steering well clear.

blue2014 · 29/12/2017 21:05

Please cut these people out of your life, they sound fucking horrendous- who believes a 14 year old is into bdsm?! Are they thick as shit?!! They sound horrible abusive too. Cut them out, you deserve better.

TheDoorMat · 29/12/2017 21:10

WOW disturbing reading this
Your Ex seems to have the hallmarks of a future monster (clearly he already is) but it seems as though his charade is merely a cloak of disguise.
I hope you find a better life

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 29/12/2017 21:10

I cannot tell you how reassuring it is to have people tell me that this is wrong. When it's all you're around for a long time it's hard to know that. Thanks so much, everyone. I really appreciate taking your time to reply to me. I do need to cut these people loose.

OP posts:
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