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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not get why I have to 'respect' his wishes. Trigger warning!

73 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 29/12/2017 18:57

I was in an abusive relationship at 14, until I was 18, with a boy my age. He was both physically and sexually abusive and raped me on more than one occasion. When it all came out, he was mildly ostracised by my closer friends, but not our wider social circle. He's very charming, I'm clunky and autistic so I imagine they believe whatever he's told them.
He's been living as a woman for three years now, and this occasionally comes up at social events. I rarely attend anything he will be at, but if he isn't there, he's mentioned. Everyone else makes the effect to refer to him as she, and by his new female name (very similar to his birth name).
I don't, because a. Fuck him, he didn't respect my wishes, my autonomy and my identity, and b. I'd rather not discuss him at all.
Apparently this has now led to me being branded transphobic, as he's told them all what he did to me was a way of dealing with his feelings about his own body, and that I should forgive and accept him.
I find it really hard to pretend he is a woman, with a woman's body, when I have traumatising memories to the contrary.
Sorry for the essay, but AIBU to not make an effort to use his pronouns?
To be clear I have other trans and gender non conforming friends and do use their pronouns, it's this one person that's a stumbling block for me.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2017 21:14

I have a very sarcastic compromise. He doesn't want to be called 'him' and you shouldn't be expected to have to call your rapist 'she'. So 'it' seems appropriate.

Just never seeing these awful rape apologists seems healthier, though.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/12/2017 21:53

Just adding my name to the others that have said don't see them.

You have done nothing wrong.

Ginkypig · 30/12/2017 11:19

Cut them dead darkness and never look back.

I promise if your anything like me after the initial time has passed (because it might feel hard at first) and you new life free of them has got started it's like the clouds suddenly lift and you can see a bright life stretching out in front of you just begging for you to live it!

Your and my history can make us think sometimes that x,y,z isn't as bad as then (csa/relationship) so I should just be happy with that.

Well can I tell you noone else (with "normal" backgrounds) ever thinks that, if they are being treated badly they know in their core they are worth better and deserve more. It took me many many years to even recognise that never mind bloody feel it!

I spent way too long putting up with crap and bad treatment because it wasn't as horrific as my early years so thought I should be grateful. No one taught me differently early enough so hear me when I say know in your very core darkness that you are worth more and you deserve better hear that from me!

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 30/12/2017 11:23

Ditch your friends, ditch the social circles where you have to discuss this person, block them all on Facebook and never speak to them again

He's a nasty rapist and they are his enablers. They are not your friends and they will never change

BigDamnHero · 31/12/2017 10:56

I would go along with the request...by only referring to the cunt as 'the cunt' and avoiding any gendered pronouns.

The cunt doesn't want to be 'he'? Then the cunt can be the cunt forever more, instead.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 31/12/2017 10:59

A rapist is a rapist, no matter what they identify as.

BlindFaythe · 31/12/2017 11:00

He sounds like a deeply unpleasant individual. You owe him absolutely nothing. Cut contact with these dickhead rape and VAWG apologists. And consider reporting him to the police.

HermioneWeasley · 31/12/2017 11:02

Another one saying to cut these people out of your life, and consider talking to the police

converseandjeans · 31/12/2017 11:10

Agree with worra

Isetan · 31/12/2017 11:24

You’ve done a good job of moving away and now it’s time to cut the cord with this group permanently. You’re never going to convince them that he’s a perpetrator so stop trying or worrying.

Continue with counselling and avoid people who have such a negative impact on your mh, you have nothing to prove to yourself or these people by staying in contact.

I was the victim of DV and there were some very polarising opinions but the only person who occasional tries to convince me that a) it wasn’t that bad and b) that Ex has suffered too, is his Mother. The last time she tried I shut her down in such a public way, that I think she got the message that I was not the audience for her revisionist history crap.

DD is still young and that means that I’m still an active part of contact but ideally (even though she’s more in denial than malicious), she would be firmly in my past. Her son will always be the elephant in the room and I have no patience for unresolved shit in relationships.

Original poster

Darknessinthevalley · 31/12/2017 11:48

This ended up being very timely and I'm unspeakably grateful for the support.
I was invited to an event, with the reassurance that he wouldn't be there, as they were seeing him the week before. Like we're shared fucking custody or some shit.
I declined, publicly (Facebook group), stating that I didn't want to be part of his group anymore. I'm more than his ex. Like I'm a whole person.
Slurs started to be thrown, I'm childish, transphobic, and running off like my vest friend (he stepped away from this group as soon as I told him what ex was doing. His loyalties have always been clear). I feel better.

OP posts:

sparklepops123 · 31/12/2017 11:58

Good for you!

sueelleker · 31/12/2017 12:03

And block them on Facebook.

scatterolight · 31/12/2017 12:17

OP I'm sorry this has happened to you. I'd just like to give you a sense of perspective on this because I think everything has been made worse by your friendship group. Sadly this trans / non binary / gender fluidity phenomenon has really taken off amongst the millenial and younger generation. It is "on trend" because young people have grown up in a time of complete moral and social confusion. The young are searching for a way to carve out an identity and meaning in a world where all certainties have been abandoned.

As you leave these friends behind and broaden your social circle to older generations you'll discover this whole issue does not even exist, and you will find much more sympathy and empathy for what you have been through.

Stick with your best friend and good luck.

Mrsmadevans · 31/12/2017 18:39

What a wonderful friend I am so happy you have them in your life , as for the rest of them what a crock of shit , you are so better off without them in your life. Take Care my dear , look after yourself.

ferntwist · 31/12/2017 19:10

You’re a brave woman OP. He’s a worm, however he dresses himself up and your so-called friends are his transmaidens.

LaContessaDiPlump · 31/12/2017 19:14

I'm glad you have one proper friend op - go forth into 2018 with your head held high, having trimmed all that dead weight

user1495222250 · 31/12/2017 19:20

as he's told them all what he did to me was a way of dealing with his feelings about his own body, and that I should forgive and accept him.

What an appalling thing to say. This is just a pathetic excuse and you are in no way obliged to forgive him, accept him or give him the respect which he/she is now demanding. To be frank, I think he/she sounds arrogant and downright bloody cheeky.

You don't owe this person anything. They owe you an apology and much gratitude that you haven't involved the police!

I think you need to distance yourself from this person and from the 'friends' who don't seem able to see through his veiled admissions and victim blaming.

Sending you very best wishes for the new year, OP. I hope it's a better year.

hungryhippo90 · 31/12/2017 19:23

this honestly makes me want to bang my head off the coffee tablet beside me.

I dont consider myself transphobic. I like to believe that I am usually a very much live and let live type of person, Id use whatever pronoun people wish to use.

But how fucking dare he? I dont blame you for not wanting to use a feminine pronoun for someone who used their considerably greater physical male strength to assault you, and used his very male cock to rape you.

i know, its crude to use them terms, but no way should he be able to have a clean slate where he describes himself as female to be able to distance himself from raping and beating someone.

im not saying that domestic violence only happens to females, it doesnt, but his strength as a male is greater....im really not getting the point accross that I intend to here but no. its not on.

and as for your "friends" i have no words.

outraged for you.

Original poster

Darknessinthevalley · 31/12/2017 21:21

Thank you everyone.
And Hungry, you've nailed the issue for me. He used his dick to rape and assault me. Now he wants me to pretend he doesn't have one? Nah mate. I've seen it and you've used it to hurt me.

OP posts:

ferntwist · 01/01/2018 05:02

Exactly Darkness! He’s got male privilege and wants to use it to demand everyone pretends he’s a woman.
Happy New Year!

ChickenMom · 01/01/2018 05:39

YANBU
Ditch these friends. They are not friends! This has nothing to do with transphobia. Call them out on it. Message “I’m not transphobic. I’ve got lots of gender fluid friends thank you. What I am is ant-rape. This arsehole that you all seem to adore so much fucking raped me. More than once. The majority of people that I talk to about this still tell me I should consider reporting him to the police and getting the justice I deserve. You lot? What do you do? Accuse me of being transphobic. You’re pathetic. Get a grip on reality. Don’t contact me again you disgusting rapist supporting vile vile losers” then block them all from every part of your life. Then anytime anyone ever talks to you about him again refer to him as “the rapist” sounds to me like his transgender status has become a very convenient way of getting away with abuse and rape. He should be locked up for what he did to you

OrinocoDugong · 01/01/2018 07:48

Yanbu op.
Don't attempt to be friends with people who want to be friends with a violent abuser.
If you have to use any pronouns to refer to the violent abuser then substitute "the violent abuser" instead. Pronouns only exist as a shorthand to substitute for a full noun after all. The same words can also be substituted in any sentence containing the violent abuser's name.

Step away though. You don't need to put yourself in a situation where you have to make these choices.

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