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Original poster

How do I draw the line without causing atmosphere?

72 replies

MissCommunication · 29/12/2017 11:48

Hi

My DH is very touchy feely. This morning I was holding a full cup in one hand and a plate in the other, my two DC (5 and 1) were playing on the floor and DH came up behind me and started roving his hands about and then started feeling my boobs. He gets funny with me if I move his hands away or ask him to stop. How do I makeight of it whilst making it clear I find it inappropriate in front of the children? Atitle while later he was sitting at the table and I got up to get something from the kitchen and he asked for a hug which I did (it meant that I had to lean over), and his hands started going again over my bottom and then towards my groin. I definitely moved his hand away and he said what's wrong and to avoid a row or silent treatment I said oh nothing and beetled off to get my tea/freedom 😉.

What can I say? I've posted on here about him before and had a lot of support but I just need to deflect it as it makes me uncomfortable and I dont think he should touch me in a sexual way in front of our children.

OP posts:
ATeardropExplodes · 29/12/2017 11:49

Stop touching me you letch?

SmileEachDay · 29/12/2017 11:51

“It makes me uncomfortable when you touch me in a sexual way in front of the children. Please stop doing it”

That should be enough, if it’s not, then it might be an idea to seek some mediation in the first instance.

TheMasterNotMargarita · 29/12/2017 11:51

I wouldnt be worried about causing an atmosphere. if you have already told him you dislike it and he continues to do it he wants to control the situation. to him you are a possession and he can treat you as he wants.
Tell him to stop it. Move his hands away. I'd have chucked the cup over him tbh.

ChoudeBruxelles · 29/12/2017 11:52

Tell him he is sexually assaulting you

BertrandRussell · 29/12/2017 11:54

If you have explicitly told him not to do it and he carries on, then he is abusing you. Pure and simple.

daisychain01 · 29/12/2017 11:58

What support did you get last time for the same issue? If the problem still hasn't gone away and he insists on being a clueless manchild who can't behave appropriately than you have a very serious issue.

yorkshapudding · 29/12/2017 11:58

It makes me uncomfortable and I dont think he should touch me in a sexual way in front of our children

You should be able to say this to him and for him to accept it. It's perfectly reasonable not to want to be felt up in front of your kids!

His insistence on groping your breasts and groin area in front of your children is very odd. Worrying that he thinks this is normal behaviour and that you feel you have to tread on eggshells instead of just going "for fucks sake, pack it in, the kids are watching!"

ForagingForFaerieGold · 29/12/2017 11:59

Sounds like he needs a lecture on the nature of consent and respecting your boundaries. It doesn't really matter WHY you are uncomfortable. Only that you are and he needs to respect that.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 29/12/2017 12:00

Well if anyone was touching your dd and she didn't like it would your advice be "Just say nothing, and make tea", no it fucking wouldn't, if your dd was in a relationship where she was a afraid to tell her husband to stop touching her in case it caused an atmosphere would your advice be "make a cup of tea to get away" no it really wouldn't

"I'm not a piece of meat you can paw when you like, stop it, I don't like it"

'Stop touching me"

Can I have a hug "You can if it's just a hug because honestly the groping is too much"

Antheanna · 29/12/2017 12:01

If you don't LET him grope you, he punishes you with the silent treatment.

He sounds an absolute charmer. You're entitled to have your boundaries respected, and very reasonable boundaries they are too.

Original poster
MissCommunication · 29/12/2017 12:02

He has no boundaries! Maybe just should ask him if he would touch his 17 year old DD or his 70 year old DM like that if he doesn't think it is a sexual "act". He makes it that I am always trying to avoid affection and that I don't care or don't make an effort in our marriage. Anyway it's old news to a degree. Just wanted some witty yet uncompromising one liners to move it away from groping!!!!

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 29/12/2017 12:04

I think the fact that you darent say anything is important. That's the problem.

Stop trying to keep the equilibrium, you might have to rock the boat on this, and he might have to take it like a man.

BertrandRussell · 29/12/2017 12:04

“Just wanted some witty yet uncompromising one liners to move it away from groping!!!!”

How about “ Stop doing that now!”

AnyFucker · 29/12/2017 12:04

You need to take the advice you were undoubtedly given last time

He gropes your boobs in front of the kids ? Worrying.

Antheanna · 29/12/2017 12:06

PS, maybe there is no way to communicate it without creating an atmosphere.

But in the past, he has set the tone of an atmosphere by going silent on you. ie, the atmosphere comes from an uncomfortable feeling of being punished and you feeling that you need to win back his approval and good mood.

I think you need to read up on boundaries and know not just rationally but really read and read and read until you feel internally confident that NOBODY erodes your boundaries like that.

If somebody erodes your boundary then fuck an atmosphere?!

Your fear of an atmosphere is borne out of your current mindset that he alone controls the atmosphere.

I'm not saying 'go in there with your big guns right away' but have less fear of creating an atmosphere because YOU TOO can be aggrieved. YOU TOO can feel unhappy with the status quo. YOU TOO can feel that your voice is not heard. I could go on but you get the picture.

The ''atmosphere'' and your fear of creating one is coming from a place of you pleasing him. And he's not worth pleasing if he doesn't respect your boundaries.

Antheanna · 29/12/2017 12:08

He doesn't fear creating an atmosphere does he?!

SmileEachDay · 29/12/2017 12:08

Also: it’s not you causing the atmosphere. It’s him.

Antheanna · 29/12/2017 12:09

Insomnibrat put it more succinctly than I did Brew

HolyMountain · 29/12/2017 12:09

There’s nothing worse than a man who can’t keep his hands to himself then sulks when he’s told to fuck off.

Sorry OP I’m sure you love him but he’s a twat and a skin crawling letch.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2017 12:09

The only "witticism" this guy will understand is "get your fucking hands off me"

And then if he whines you never show him any affection tell him to fuck off again. He is sexuallly assaulting ypu. He has no rights to your body

But you were reminded of all this last time and it hasn't gone in so perhaps we are all wasting our time. Including you.

Itsallfuckery · 29/12/2017 12:10

This type of behaviour infuriates me! I don’t care who it is, no one has the right to be groping you when you have have said no.
I’m all honesty, there would be a lot of arguments in my house if I was dealing with a partner like this, I couldn’t hold back I’m afraid.
You do need to be a bit blunt. Tell him this isn’t appropriate in front of the children, at the moment they won’t understand but one day they will and most likely be appalled. It’s not a good message to be sending them that it’s ok to grope someone against their wishes.
Even when the children aren’t present, his behaviour sounds gratuitous rather than affectionate, he needs to be told, silent treatment or not.
What a childish knob

ReanimatedSGB · 29/12/2017 12:12

He's abusive. This is not about 'affection', this is about putting you in your place and making you feel uncomfortable. Shout 'Get off' like you would to a dog humping your leg. Warn him that you will slap his hands the next time he does it.
And start taking steps to put him out of the house and end the marriage. He's going to continue abusing you until you get rid of him.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 29/12/2017 12:12

Are you for fucking real?? You SERIOUSLY think it's something you need to worry about in relation to "causing atmosphere" rather than exposing your children to sexual behaviour???

It's verging on abusive! Exposing them to that! Were you abused as a child OP? Your boundaries seem askew....I am being harsh because it seems you have a sense of something being wrong but your approach is innapropriately mild!

Maelstrop · 29/12/2017 12:13

Witty yet uncompromising? Because he’s assaulting you? No, no, no. You need to tell him straight and if it causes an atmosphere, tough fucking shit. No-one is allowed to touch anyone else without consent. Hugs are fine, if appropriate, roving hands makes me think dirty old man, yuk.

At one point, I spoke to my then DP about this. It was early on in the relationship and every touch seemed to be him trying to lead to sex. I got very upset, cried, told him I felt he only ever wanted to touch me in a sexual manner. It stopped, immediately, because I was serious.

You can’t make a joke of it, you can’t make a witty comment. You need to get angry and bloody well tell him straight. It’s extremely inappropriate in front of the children and teaches them that it’s ok to persistently assault someone. Tough shit if it causes an atmosphere, that’s his fault, not yours. I’m fuming for you.

AntiHop · 29/12/2017 12:13

What smile said.

Even if you wanted him to do this, it is totally inappropriate in front of the children. As you don't want him to do it, it's sexual assault.

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