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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I draw the line without causing atmosphere?

72 replies

MissCommunication · 29/12/2017 11:48

My DH is very touchy feely. This morning I was holding a full cup in one hand and a plate in the other, my two DC (5 and 1) were playing on the floor and DH came up behind me and started roving his hands about and then started feeling my boobs. He gets funny with me if I move his hands away or ask him to stop. How do I makeight of it whilst making it clear I find it inappropriate in front of the children? Atitle while later he was sitting at the table and I got up to get something from the kitchen and he asked for a hug which I did (it meant that I had to lean over), and his hands started going again over my bottom and then towards my groin. I definitely moved his hand away and he said what's wrong and to avoid a row or silent treatment I said oh nothing and beetled off to get my tea/freedom 😉.

What can I say? I've posted on here about him before and had a lot of support but I just need to deflect it as it makes me uncomfortable and I dont think he should touch me in a sexual way in front of our children.

OP posts:

Xenadog · 29/12/2017 12:43

Witty one liner? “Fuck off you perv. Do not touch me in an inappropriate way and when I say get your hands off me - do it.” If you get the silent treatment afterwards it tells you what he thinks his rights are - you’re just a piece of meat to him which he can do whatever he likes with.

That alone would be making me consider a future with this man.

Ali4u · 29/12/2017 12:44

Ask him if he would do it in whilst his mother was in the room. Or would he like to see his father groping his mother.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/12/2017 12:45

This is horribly familiar to me. My ex-h was like this, literally no boundaries, in front of anybody/everybody, if I resisted I was called "frigid" and "couldn't show affection". He also used to have sex with me in my sleep and could see nothing wrong with it. He'd grope me, put his hand down my trousers, on one occasion in the presence of his parents.

In terms of the children witnessing this, my little boy started behaving in an overly sexualised manner at school, this became a huge issue, we (me and the school) jumped on it immediately. My DS is autistic (as I suspect ex-h is) and really has an issue with filters and appropriate social behaviour. With consistent guidance and support he eventually stopped doing it. However, it was an awful awful time. I now suspect that my ex-h was displaying similar behaviour towards OW and that my DS had witnessed that. There is no other explanation. What he was doing was beyond normal childhood curiosity. Please be very careful with this situation.

Shoxfordian · 29/12/2017 12:46

He thinks he's entitled to grope you because you're just a possession to him

Ltb as I'm sure you were advised before

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2017 12:47

Anyway it's old news to a degree. Just wanted some witty yet uncompromising one liners to move it away from groping!!!!

Fuck off should do it.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 29/12/2017 12:47

MissC you're talking a lot about 'not in front of the children'. Is that really your only issue and you're happy for him to do it when you're alone, or do you want it to stop completely? If you say not in front of the children, you may find he's even worse when you're alone.

To me he sounds like a selfish sex pest who doesn't give a shit about how you feel. Your childhood may have made you afraid of rejection, but this isn't a man whose rejection you should fear. he doesn't sound worth it. Do you tread on eggshells every day about other things too?

Inertia · 29/12/2017 12:48

Witty one-liners won't work. He regards you as his property, and is deliberately targeting his groping when you are least able to protect yourself- when you're frightened of upsetting the children, or when you have your hands full.

You need to be forthright, and he needs to understand that sexually touching a woman when she has told him not to is assault.

WildRosesGrow · 29/12/2017 12:53

Are you OK with him groping you if the children aren't there? If not, then I wouldn't use them as an excuse. Just explain that you'd rather he didn't touch you sexually without asking first. This is likely to go down very badly, as he clearly enjoys being able to touch you whenever he wants. However it is your body and you have a right to boundaries.

If you are happy for him to touch you other than when the children are around, then ask him what he would feel if he saw his parents doing that, or if he would be happy with his children watching a TV program where actors where sexually touching each other like that.

It's not easy - my husband is much more touchy feely than I am and feels rejected emotionally if I push him off me. However I find it annoying and difficult to ignore. I try to laugh it off usually but sometimes try to get him to stop. He rubbed himself up against me last week ( iwas leaning over reaching for something), when our son was in the room. I said stop it at the time, then later asked what he would have thought if his parents did that. He said he would be embarassed, he's not done it since, so fingers crossed.

FrivolouslyFancifulFannie · 29/12/2017 12:55

sorry but i couldn't stand that and would hit him with the cup

Chunkymonkey123 · 29/12/2017 13:03

I suspect nothing will change but I want to highlight to you that if one of my school children told me that daddy touched mummy’s private area etc in front of them I would have to raise it as a safeguarding issue and social services would probably get involved.

Forcing a child to watch sexual activity is child abuse and you are concluding in it.

I would also be concerned for my children in other ways - does he enjoy your children watching? My uncle was very ‘touchy feely’ with my aunt and went on to sexually abuse his children. It is a form of grooming.

Please ring a domestic abuse helpline so they can explain all this to you properly. I don’t think you are going to listen to people from the internet.

Mix56 · 29/12/2017 13:03

I expect he won't take no for an answer in bed either.

I would start by saying "Is there something you don't understand when I say, I will not be sexually abused by you?"

he will come with various PA bullshit, you are frigid, if he looks elsewhere its your fault, bla bla bla.

You reply, Yes I am becoming frigid, due to the sexual abuse I receive,
If there is some thing you don't understand I suggest we have a calm discussion, as this behaviour is over, or the marriage is

DeepanKrispanEven · 29/12/2017 13:04

Ask him why he thinks you can only show affection in a sexual manner. Point out to him that touching you sexually when you have asked him not to is abuse, not showing affection. Also point out that if the children are allowed to grow up thinking that is normal behaviour there is a serious danger that they will replicate it elsewhere, or talk about it, and social services will start getting involved.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 29/12/2017 13:06

I have told H before that if he would think this was inappropriate behaviour from a couple to have in front of children (eg in the street), then it was also inappropriate at home in front of our dcs.

SnowGlitter · 29/12/2017 13:07

"Stop sexually assaulting me" is a fairly to the point one liner...

HelenUrth · 29/12/2017 13:32

If you have a daughter, you are teaching her that she doesn't have rights over her own body but must submit to whatever groping someone wants to inflict on her.

She is also learning that it is her job to keep her partner happy & that it is acceptable to be punished for trying to assert any rights over her own body.

This seems to be what you have learned, and you need to unlearn it fast! It may need the assistance of a professional counsellor to help you.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 29/12/2017 13:52

I have a gloomy feeling that OP has little intention of taking any of these well-meant replies seriously.

People are referencing their own experiences and trying to help you OP. Are you still reading? With young DC observing all of this, the implications are serious.

Original poster

MissCommunication · 29/12/2017 14:54

Never ever would I read someone's experiences and belittle or ignore them when they have taken the time to write on my thread. It's worrying me to think that social services could be involved. I have wondered what would happen if my son touched his teacher for example or another child because that's what he thinks is normal...or that my daughter would not feel able to say no. Of course it does. Yes I do have fucked up boundaries where my own body is concerned. Yes I want my children to grow up strong and independent and not find themselves in the same boat. And yes I'm shit scared of the whole thing. I don't know what else to say.

I appreciate everyone's input and I thanked them and wished a Happy New Year. I mean it. Slowly I'm getting stronger and it's down to MN and I'm grateful. I'm learning so much but it's taking a long time.

OP posts:

pictish · 29/12/2017 15:15

I hear you OP. It is a terrifying prospect to not only upset, but completely overturn the apple cart, which is what will happen when you take stand against your husband's highly inappropriate groping. He will not be pleased and I imagine he won't go down without an ugly and protracted fight which deflects all blame onto your unwillingness to be molested in front of your kids. It will be hard and quite probably the end of your marriage. I have sympathy, truly I do.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2017 15:22

I have sympathy for you, but more for your chlldren.

Protect them, op. You have a choice here and they do not.

Give Women"s Aid a call and they will signpost you to help. You are in an abusive relationship. Your rabbit in the headlights stance tells us that. Do something before the situation is taken out of your hands.

daisychain01 · 29/12/2017 18:52

Just wanted some witty yet uncompromising one liners to move it away from groping!!!!

You really aren't taking this seriously enough. Witty one liners - but making sure you don't rock any boats with this letch - won't cut the mustard I'm afraid.

Why shouldn't he know it's not acceptable, and be able to handle that fact like a man and change his behaviour? Tiptoeing round it so it doesn't upset him, is putting his needs above your's. It's probably so engrained in his thinking he doesn't see it as a problem, but it most definitely is.

Original poster

MissCommunication · 29/12/2017 19:45

Daisy I think you're right. I think his father was like it. Even now at the age of 71 he can't keep his prick in his pants. Not that DH is having affairs or anything (he doesn'thave the time!) but his Dad can't have had boundaries snagging anything wuyh a fanny and mistreated his ex-wife (DH's Mum) and children terribly. It's not an excuse but he has a lot of fucked ultimate stuff going on. Don't we.all?

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 29/12/2017 22:58

People can break ties with their behavioural conditioning, but it take two things - firstly the willingness by them to acknowledge and own their behaviour and want to change to a better way of living, and two, a support network around them to help them to succeed. That shouldn't just be you, but you could encourage him to seek advice and help to eliminate the bad behaviour and replace it with respectful and loving gestures. Maybe he thinks that his overly tactile 'fondlings' are his expression of love, who knows. What he shouldn't be doing is forcing it on you, if it isn't to your liking. That's where professional counselling can help him to figure it out and move forward.

His father sounds appalling, and I'm really sad his mother had to go through it. Two damaged generations

Hope you can find a way through it and get him to change.

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