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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be wary of DD's new best friend.

59 replies

ffab · 29/12/2017 07:00

DD 24 has a new best friend (BF), they met around a year ago at the gym. This woman, aged 29, has been very supportive to DD as she has been going through a hard time with depression.

Recently DD has been complaining about BF’s constant lateness. DD is often kept waiting for hours when they are supposed to be going out, often she doesn't turn up at all.

BF has however started latching on to me. She has a very bubbly charming and entertaining personality but I feel I am being “love bombed”. She started calling me “Mummy Maria”, I have asked her not to.

I have renovated a few houses so her request via DD for advice on redoing her kitchen seemed fine. I went over for a cup of tea and gave her my opinion on the work.

Then she asked if I would mentor her professionally. I gave her a very conditional yes but knowing her reputation for tardiness said that it was important that she was on time and that last minute cancellations would not be ok. She cancelled our first meeting at the last minute.

The reason she gave for cancelling was that she had been attacked at work, (she is a carer for people with mental health issues). She then asked if I would accompany her to the resulting disciplinary hearing. I was busy but sent her links to websites to help her prepare. In the end DD went with her.

Last week I was chatting to DD on the phone when she asked if she could put BF on the line. BF then pleaded with me to be her mentor using very emotive language and begging me not to “give up” on her. When DD took the phone back she immediately said “I'm so sorry mum I had no idea she was going to do that!”

Late on Christmas Eve DD asked if BF could join us for Christmas dinner as she was going to be alone on Christmas day. DH said he didn't mind so I agreed, on condition that she was on time. She replied by text at 9am on Christmas Day that she was hosting a student (then why did she tell DD that she was going to be alone?) but would like to come over for “hugs and cuddles” in the evening. I was pretty busy on Christmas morning, we had five people sleeping over and ten for dinner, so I forgot about the text and didn't reply; she didn't show up.

How DD manages her friendships is up to her but I don't want her unreliable BF so involved in my life. I realise that I have been putting up with her flakiness because DD doesn't have many friends and seems to value this one.

AIBU to tell her to back off?

OP posts:

Chaosofcalm · 29/12/2017 07:06

I think you are right to be concerned. Why if she was attacked would she need to do to a disaplinary hearing?

I am not sure how you handle it with your daughter. Has your daughter had many relationships? I ask because I wonder if I your daughter is gay and is in love with this women. It may sound far fetched but I have seen something similar before.

HoneyCombOver · 29/12/2017 07:15

Ugh what a nightmare!

Rainybohoho · 29/12/2017 07:16

Be very wary of this person. It just set lots of alarm bells ringing for me, helping your DD through her depression, being a MH care worker, the love bombing, the constant unacceptable lateness.

She reminds me of someone, another MH care worker, who latched onto one of my colleagues (MH unit) and her family and when the family eventually distanced themselves she started stalking them and eventually ended up under a restraining order.

Capelin · 29/12/2017 07:20

She sounds like a nightmare! I would steer well clear and a definite No to mentoring her. It’s up to DD what she does, but I would mention to her what your intentions are and why.

SavoyCabbage · 29/12/2017 07:24

It does seem like she loves a bit I’d drama, which can be exhausting.

You can back slowly away and what happens happens with your daughter’s friendship with her. Your dd might be sucked in by the dramatic tales and neediness at the moment but hopefully she won’t be forever. I had a friend like this in my forties that I made when my youngest started school. It took me a couple of years to see how attention seeking she was and how she engineered situations to create a stir and I was much older than your dd.

Your dd has met one new friend so there is no need to worry that she won’t meet anymore in the future. I’m sure she will.

Pengggwn · 29/12/2017 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2017 07:26

I don't think you should tell her to back off no. For your daughters sake. However I think uou can distance yourself and manage the relationship better. Basically stop just saying yes to shit and be politely firm without causing offence.

Is your daughter in a relationship with this woman and she maybe sees you as the mother in law figure? She may be finding it difficult if your daughter has not come out to you but the relationship is serious.

Dozer · 29/12/2017 07:30

No to “mentoring” or invitations to your home, avoid any more direct interaction between you, and encourage DD to see that lateness etc isn’t a decent way to treat friends and to see / make other friends.

twiney · 29/12/2017 07:31

She sounds a bit creepy tbh

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 29/12/2017 07:47

Sounds like she has some MH issues herself - the all or nothing mentality and the disorganisation. Not sure what to suggest really but if it makes you uncomfortable then you need to set boundaries.

FrancisCrawford · 29/12/2017 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/12/2017 07:48

She sounds very weird. I woukd distance myself from her. Any requests to help her, no sorry I can't. Talk to your dd about healthy friendships and get her to decide this isent one and how to deal with it.

JanetStWalker · 29/12/2017 07:50

She sounds like a character from a daft 'psychological' thriller type novel. Keep her at arms length before she murders your daughter and shacks up with your husband!

Rudgie47 · 29/12/2017 07:52

I'd just tell the friend I was too busy at the moment for anything and wish her a happy new year. I'd explain to DD that she wasnt for me and why and not to bring her round, ask if she can visit again etc .
What DD does is totally upto her as shes an adult and her friendships are her own business.
The friend sounds very needy and OTT. I'd suggest your daughter explain to her that if shes in that line of work she needs to be in a union as well.

littlebird55 · 29/12/2017 07:59

Some distance all round is needed. You need boundaries to deal with someone like this, so she learns to respect your feelings.

Young people are often late, I wouldn't see this as a huge issue, just factor in when you are making plans.

No more invites to dinner and encourage your dd to have a wide net of friends and not to focus on this one too much.

You can still be friendly and kind to her, but absolutely no professional arrangements and take all the stories with a pinch of salt, there will be another one next week.

HappyHedgehog247 · 29/12/2017 08:02

Alarm bells! I would not mentor her as it's blurring roles and would make it harder for your dd to distance herself in future if needed.

DollyPartonsBeard · 29/12/2017 08:02

So BF was attacked but has to attend a disciplinary hearing? Something doesn't quite add up there (and I'm speaking as a former manager in mental health settings).

Jerseysilkvelour · 29/12/2017 08:04

I notice she's DD's friend but seems determined to push herself into your life.... that seems weird to me.

Not your place to tell DD who to be friends with/how to run her friendships, but definitely don't let her into your life again.

Pannacott · 29/12/2017 08:08

Ah she sounds a little bit damaged. I'd be distant but not rejecting. No to mentoring, no to popping round.

GertrudeCB · 29/12/2017 08:11

No, keep this person at arms length. I also know someone who thrives on drama and being " rescued", so much so that she creates situations to feed this. It was exhausting when I was friendly with her and she has caused problems for a lot of people. I wouldn't be surprised if she had an undiagnosed personality disorder .

claraschu · 29/12/2017 08:18

It doesn't sound like she should be caring for vulnerable people .

Wilburissomepig · 29/12/2017 08:25

Lots of red flags there OP. I wouldn't tell her to back off as such, but I absolutely would distance myself from her and keep her at arms length. Her friendship with your DD may be important to her (DD) so there's not much you can do about that except keep an eye on it. (From a distance).

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/12/2017 08:30

I agree with @Aeroflotgirl. This young woman, though charming, sounds manipulative and controlling.

StilettosAreANoNo · 29/12/2017 08:37

I would be backing away fast and advising Dd to do the same.

Out of interest (sorry if I misunderstood) but in what way does she want you to mentor her? It just seems an odd request, unless of course you’re in the same line of work.

DollyPartonsBeard · 29/12/2017 08:37

Also, I'm naturally wary of people who.insert themselves into your life as honorary 'family members'. I had an ex CF friend who did this, saying I was her 'sister' and getting her kids to call my folks Granny and Grandpa. Turned out it was a cunning ruse to excuse horrible behaviour ('oh but you're like FAMILY to me!') and generally try to ameliorate their own weird abandonment issues by building strange constructs around themselves. When I distanced myself CF ex friend became very aggressive, again using the 'family' line.

Avoid. Especially if your DD starts getting sucked into doing things they don't want to out of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG in narcissism- management terms).

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