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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be wary of DD's new best friend.

59 replies

ffab · 29/12/2017 07:00

DD 24 has a new best friend (BF), they met around a year ago at the gym. This woman, aged 29, has been very supportive to DD as she has been going through a hard time with depression.

Recently DD has been complaining about BF’s constant lateness. DD is often kept waiting for hours when they are supposed to be going out, often she doesn't turn up at all.

BF has however started latching on to me. She has a very bubbly charming and entertaining personality but I feel I am being “love bombed”. She started calling me “Mummy Maria”, I have asked her not to.

I have renovated a few houses so her request via DD for advice on redoing her kitchen seemed fine. I went over for a cup of tea and gave her my opinion on the work.

Then she asked if I would mentor her professionally. I gave her a very conditional yes but knowing her reputation for tardiness said that it was important that she was on time and that last minute cancellations would not be ok. She cancelled our first meeting at the last minute.

The reason she gave for cancelling was that she had been attacked at work, (she is a carer for people with mental health issues). She then asked if I would accompany her to the resulting disciplinary hearing. I was busy but sent her links to websites to help her prepare. In the end DD went with her.

Last week I was chatting to DD on the phone when she asked if she could put BF on the line. BF then pleaded with me to be her mentor using very emotive language and begging me not to “give up” on her. When DD took the phone back she immediately said “I'm so sorry mum I had no idea she was going to do that!”

Late on Christmas Eve DD asked if BF could join us for Christmas dinner as she was going to be alone on Christmas day. DH said he didn't mind so I agreed, on condition that she was on time. She replied by text at 9am on Christmas Day that she was hosting a student (then why did she tell DD that she was going to be alone?) but would like to come over for “hugs and cuddles” in the evening. I was pretty busy on Christmas morning, we had five people sleeping over and ten for dinner, so I forgot about the text and didn't reply; she didn't show up.

How DD manages her friendships is up to her but I don't want her unreliable BF so involved in my life. I realise that I have been putting up with her flakiness because DD doesn't have many friends and seems to value this one.

AIBU to tell her to back off?

OP posts:
Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 29/12/2017 08:40

She sounds unhinged. I'd keep well away

sussexman · 29/12/2017 08:42

I agree with the others here; I'd say being wary was exactly correct. I'd also refuse to "mentor" her - in fact, that request is quite odd between a DDs friend and a parent in another, quite different, profession. If, as some reasonably, suggest, there is more to this relationship than DD + BFF then that might complicate things; but your DD should be telling you that.

oh and "young people are often late". She's 29, how long do you get to be young for these days!

x2boys · 29/12/2017 08:46

Agree she does sound odd and I also don't understand why she has to attend a disciplinary hearing if she's the one that's been attacked (i worked in mental health settings for years )

gamerwidow · 29/12/2017 08:47

I’d put a lot of distance between you and BF and let DD see her without you there. Be busy every time she ants to meet you and definitely don’t invite her to your home.
She sounds very intense and it’s unusual to want to be involved with your friends parents to the level that she does.

Tobebythesea · 29/12/2017 08:54

Gertrude - I was going to say Personality Disorder as well.

sonjadog · 29/12/2017 09:16

I would say no to everything now. Your DD and her are adults, they don’t need to involve each other’s families in their friendships.

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2017 10:01

It's not so weird if you put it into the context of a romantic relationship though. If the daughter and this woman have been a couple for a year the woman could be trying to get the op on side, to get to know her and develop a relationship with her.

She's doing it the wrong way clearly, but it could be the reason she's trying to have the op involved in her life. If the op likes the woman her daughter coming out to her may be easier.

The only two reasons I can think of a woman this age involved a friends parents is she is mentally unwell or she is in a serious relationship with the child.

Original poster
ffab · 29/12/2017 10:08

It transpires that the "attack" at work was by a colleague not a patient. She was "hit" on the back with a rolled up magazine. I'm not sure why she was disciplined either but DD (who attended the hearing) says they are trying to find any reason to fire her. I think she has now left the job but I don't want to enquire to deeply and get sucked in. I just checked my texts and there was a second disciplinary hearing that she asked me to attend (I didn't go).

As for DD being in a relationship with her, it would make more sense if they were but they are not. DD identifies as bisexual and is pretty open about her relationships to me (often telling me more that I need to know 😁)

OP posts:
Original poster
ffab · 29/12/2017 10:15

P.s. good one JanetStWalker she is very flirty with DH, he finds her entertaining but a bit mad.

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 29/12/2017 10:26

Really cringing at a 29 year old calling a woman they've met recently "mummy Maria".

Original poster
ffab · 29/12/2017 10:27

@Rainybohoho thank you for the red flag advice. Eerie for many similarities the are to your situation.

I do think she has drawn DD in with a seeming willingness to listen to her problems, but the price DD is paying seems very high.

In one incident she was "just setting off now" for nine hours and never showed up at all while DD sat in all dressed up and ready to go out. This is apparently par for the course.

DD does not live with me so I don't have to see BF much. But I shall definitely take steps to keep my distance.

OP posts:
ApplesTheHare · 29/12/2017 10:32

As pp have said, lots of red flags with this girl. I'd distance yourself from her and explain to DD why - i.e. this isn't healthy behaviour, this isn't a healthy friendship - with the hope that she starts to do the same. She deserves much better from a friend.

Cagliostro · 29/12/2017 10:35

Goodness me red flags all over the place here. Especially now you've mentioned the flirting with DH, it may seem minor in comparison to the other weird stuff but maybe this is actually the reason she's latching onto you all?

Whatever the reason though YANBU to back the hell away

Original poster
ffab · 29/12/2017 10:42

I should also add that I met the BF at the same time as my daughter did as DD teaches classes at the gym. She came up to DD gushing at the end of the class about how wonderful it was, (this happens to DD often as she is a great teacher) and we all got chatting. "I can't believe you are her mum, oh my God you look like sisters, you have so much energy, you look amazing, your in such great shape, so toned
You're my hero, etc"

I left them to it pretty soon as it was clear that BF was much close in age to DD than me. My younger DD (aged 22) was also at the class and she (BF) often gushes about what a wonderful family we are. I say "gushes" because it often comes out as a high pitched squeal.

When she came to our (recently renovated) house for the first time DH wondered what the hell was going on as she was screaming loudly in delight at each room as I showed her round.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 29/12/2017 10:45

I think that 'wary' is exactly the right word here. I used to work with someone who was a lot like this, right down to the 'Mummy Marie' stuff - it was weird and rather creepy, frankly. BUT like your daughter's BF, she had a very bubbly and charming personality, and everyone was able to cram down their discomfort at her behaviour. SHe also made up ridiculous stories to create drama around herself. When she finally left, we all collectively shook ourselves and couldn't beleive we'd put up with such nonsense!

My advice would be to carry on being polite and civil to her, but not to engage with any of the drama stuff and certainly don't let her into your life any further. Your DD will see the light soon, and will need the support of people who didnt get sucked in by BF's glamour.

Original poster
ffab · 29/12/2017 10:48

Like DD I think I think I was initially flattered by the attention but it is getting creepy and I shall politely put a stop to it.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 29/12/2017 10:56

Love bombing, she sounds batshit. I wonder what her motivation is to try to insert herself into your family, maybe? I’d keep well away and I think I’d be telling her to keep away from me. You can’t get involved with your dd’s relationships, but I’d definitely be voicing my serious concerns to her. Hopefully your dd will get pissed off with her soon.

RandyMarsh · 29/12/2017 10:56

Do you know anything about her family?

Sounds to me like she probably comes from a very dysfunctional family and is latching on to you as her surrogate mother and the rest of your family.

Either way it's suffocating and weird.

beingGoodNow · 29/12/2017 11:00

I had a friend like this once almost exactly as you describe with the same love bombing and lateness issues. If the age wasn't different I would think it was the same girl.

We were "best friends" for a while but now don't speak. You're right to be concerned. I would encourage your DD to be friendly but keep her at arm's length and call her out on every late thing. If she doesn't turn up at all your DD should cut her out, I wouldn't be stood up twice anyone can send a text.

She sounds like she has serious issues and your DD is vulnerable and doesn't need to be sucked into that vortex.

ChasedByBees · 29/12/2017 11:01

Do you know how your daughter feels about her? Is she getting sick of her too? Your DD if she's younger and has been supported by this woman in the past may find it hard to cut ties if she's also being creeped out and subject to emotional blackmail. I'd be wary too.

MissTeri · 29/12/2017 11:02

Sounds to me like she probably comes from a very dysfunctional family and is latching on to you as her surrogate mother and the rest of your family

I was thinking the same. Have both her parents passed away or something perhaps and she's looking for a substitute family?

funnylittlefloozie · 29/12/2017 11:08

I wouldn't assume that the BF is necessarily from a dysfunctional family. My 'BF' came from a perfectly nice family. They were as sick of her shit as everyone else, except in their case, it was more about concern for her ultimate welfare!

Oywotchadoin · 29/12/2017 11:15

I’m diagnosing some sort of personality disorder. I think I’d be making enquiries about her past relationships and family whilst simultaneously gently nudging your daughter. This woman appears to have very odd ideas around boundaries and appropriate behaviour, which may or may not be malicious or manipulative.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/12/2017 11:49

Irrespective of why she’s like this, she’s unhealthy for your family. ALL of you. IF it was me, I’d discuss the situation with DH & DD, all together. Obviously, DD is old enough to make her own decision about her friendship, but I would definitely make her well aware of my concerns.

MipMipMip · 29/12/2017 11:59

I think I'd ask your DD to avoid inviting her to your house. Just say she's making you and your husband uncomfortable (assuming she is) and that you'd rather not have her around. That might be enough yo make your DD examine her relationship too. And definitely no mentoring!

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