AIBU to be wary of DD's new best friend.

[ffab]

DD 24 has a new best friend (BF), they met around a year ago at the gym. This woman, aged 29, has been very supportive to DD as she has been going through a hard time with depression.

Recently DD has been complaining about BF’s constant lateness. DD is often kept waiting for hours when they are supposed to be going out, often she doesn't turn up at all.

BF has however started latching on to me. She has a very bubbly charming and entertaining personality but I feel I am being “love bombed”. She started calling me “Mummy Maria”, I have asked her not to.

I have renovated a few houses so her request via DD for advice on redoing her kitchen seemed fine. I went over for a cup of tea and gave her my opinion on the work.

Then she asked if I would mentor her professionally. I gave her a very conditional yes but knowing her reputation for tardiness said that it was important that she was on time and that last minute cancellations would not be ok. She cancelled our first meeting at the last minute.

The reason she gave for cancelling was that she had been attacked at work, (she is a carer for people with mental health issues). She then asked if I would accompany her to the resulting disciplinary hearing. I was busy but sent her links to websites to help her prepare. In the end DD went with her.

Last week I was chatting to DD on the phone when she asked if she could put BF on the line. BF then pleaded with me to be her mentor using very emotive language and begging me not to “give up” on her. When DD took the phone back she immediately said “I'm so sorry mum I had no idea she was going to do that!”

Late on Christmas Eve DD asked if BF could join us for Christmas dinner as she was going to be alone on Christmas day. DH said he didn't mind so I agreed, on condition that she was on time. She replied by text at 9am on Christmas Day that she was hosting a student (then why did she tell DD that she was going to be alone?) but would like to come over for “hugs and cuddles” in the evening. I was pretty busy on Christmas morning, we had five people sleeping over and ten for dinner, so I forgot about the text and didn't reply; she didn't show up.

How DD manages her friendships is up to her but I don't want her unreliable BF so involved in my life. I realise that I have been putting up with her flakiness because DD doesn't have many friends and seems to value this one.

AIBU to tell her to back off?

If this were happening with my DD, I'd be really concerned that my DD were so lacking in boundaries that she would continue in a friendship with someone who treated her like this. Keeping her waiting around for hours, lying to her (which is what saying you're "leaving now" for nine hours and not turning up is), and the cancelling/unreliability is all incredibly disrespectful and worrying. Why does your DD put up with that? Why are you putting up with this woman playing around with your boundaries? Because that's what she's doing by pushing you in to things like agreeing to mentor her, begging for another chance, flirting with your husband, calling you mum etc.

It's great that you've put your foot down as much as you have, but I think you need to be a whole lot firmer! Maybe if your DD sees you calling out the behaviour and not letting this woman get away with such fucking creepy boundary pushing and manipulative behaviour, then she'll find the strength to do so herself?

I have always kept my friends separate from my mum and dad - the point of friends is to be able to have someone outside your family as a listening ear. This doesn't work if said friend is trying to commandeer your mum as her own!

Armchair diagnosis of a personality disorder here too, I have too much experience of this sadly and it ticks all of the boxes.

I would be concerned for your dd, this woman is likely to be majorly attached to her.

It sounds a bit like Wendying. With your dd as the friend who gets pushed out.

The BF is pretty creepy. The constant love bombing and then not showing up is very odd.
I'd be very concerned about your daughter in all of this. Doesn't she get upset with her 'friend'? Please keep a close eye on this whilst keeping friend at arms length. Hopefully she'll move on to someone else soon

The woman is a freak, she will only bring trouble. Dump her and run, advise your daughter the same, but that’s s ultimately her decision as th whether she keeps her loony best friend.

I agree with RandyMarsh and MissTeri

Do you know anything about her family?
Sounds to me like she probably comes from a very dysfunctional family and is latching on to you as her surrogate mother and the rest of your family.
Either way it's suffocating and weird

Even if her reasons are genuine and good, it's too 'needy' and too much and I would politely and firmly distance as well. I'd encourage DD NOT to wait around for 9 hours. After 30 mins, she does something else, even if that's gets change into pjs, opens wine and turns TV on.

You are right to trust your instinct here. She is very manipulative; she knows you will try to help for your dd's benefit and has latched onto this. I suspect there is more to this than meets the eye I am afraid to say. My own dd was love bombed by a girl with serious psychological issues. I knew she was trouble the first time I was introduced to her, it was her body language and the way her eyes followed me like she knew I was onto her.

When my dd finally tried to get rid of her, well of course it was not that simple. It ended in endless stalking and harassment and the police charged her, she was found guilty and went to prison for a short term. I think she is a very dangerous woman and we found out that she had attacked a former friend, when she was pushed down stairs and her leg broken.

Maybe speak to your dd alone. As friend is already being a nuisance and letting your dd down she may not react badly to your warning her of your real concerns and telling her you want to distance yourself. Your priority is your dd here. Perhaps the best outcome could be that she finds herself a new bf and drops your dd.

KeepServingTheDrinks No I don't know anything about her family but I know can probably write the dysfunctional script from heart.

I have strongly advised DD not to start a business with BF (which is something they were apparently discussing,) and also told her that being kept waiting like that is disrespectful.

They were going to go on a month long trip to see BF's family in Gambia but the plans kept changing from; "we'll have free accomodation with my aunt", to; "we just have to pay the utility bills", to; "I'm not speaking too my aunt so we'll have to find a hotel".

The we too many red flags even for DD so she eventually cancelled the trip (and lost her deposit) and they are spending five days in Berlin as I write.

DD is very intelligent but does occasionally get sucked in by people. She usually learns in the end that they do not generally have her best interests at heart, but sometimes not until they have done significant harm to her. I encourage her to trust her gut feelings about people as they are usually right. I suspect that she is gradually coming to the same conclusion herself.

A short holiday with BF might be the final red flag that she needs.

After reading all the pp's above I am certainly clear that I will be keeping my distance from her.