Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable about this

62 replies

TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 13:06

It's another bloody Facebook one! Apologies in advance Grin

I saw on Facebook this morning that SIL and her husband have become friends with my DH's ex of over 10 years. I know this because it comes up on the newsfeed with a 'X and Y are now friends' type message. SIL and her H haven't seen ex in at least 10 years and have no relationship with her whatsoever outside of the fact that she once went out with my now H. H and I both think this new Facebook friendship is quite odd. Neither SIL or her H are the type of people that have hundreds of Facebook friends.

To avoid a massive dripfeed, Ex has a serious mental illness and is unstable. She has done various odd things over the years including, attacking and burning H's girlfriend before me with a cigarette, getting upset at a mutual friend's wedding and asking H to take her back 5 years after they split, and writing about him on her blog as recently as 6 months ago.

SIL puts a lot of photos on Facebook of H and I and our family. AIBU to feel uncomfortable that ex can now see this? I would prefer it if she didn't know anything about my life at all given her previous behaviour.

OP posts:
xxJoJoxx · 28/12/2017 13:12

Do your DH and Ex have children in common? As in they are cousins to the SIL/Bill offspring? If not, then it's very odd. Unless SIL/BIL nad ex had a very good relationship. Would DH feel able to ask SIL/BIL why this has occurred?

Elsiejane · 28/12/2017 13:13

YANBU. I would be uncomfortable. She could possibly come after your children/you. I would thoroughly keep an eye on the situation.

MillennialFalcon · 28/12/2017 13:13

Not at all unreasonable to be uncomfortable given that she attacked your DH's previous girlfriend! I wouldn't want someone like that to have information about my life and family either. Is SIL your DH's sister? Can he ask what she is doing?

TheLegendOfBeans · 28/12/2017 13:17

YANBU

I would be pretty worried as - being an expert internet stalker myself - you’d be surprised what minutiae in a pic can give away.

Your DH really needs to speak to SIL and tell her she either deletes XW or no more pics with you and he in them ever.

You may wish to go through SIL page now with a fine tooth comb and check your own security and privacy settings, because you can bet XW will have x

Original poster
TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 13:18

SIL is DH's sister. I suggested he ask SIL what's going on and why but he didn't want to, thinking that it's best to ignore it. To some extent I agree, neither of us want ex to think she has any significance to our lives because that's what she thrives on.

DH and ex have no children either together or separately. There's no other link between them or reason why they might stay in contact. DH hasn't seen in 5 years since that awful wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 13:19

Also, DH and ex were never married if that has any bearing on it

OP posts:
MillennialFalcon · 28/12/2017 13:21

I understand he is upset but ignoring it obviously hasn't stopped her obsession so far. I don't want to worry you but given her previous behaviour she seems dangerous and in your shoes I'd be concerned for the safety of yourself and your family. Your SIL needs to at least know that sharing personal information with the ex is not OK.

TheLegendOfBeans · 28/12/2017 13:24

I would bet ten million pounds the Ex sought out the SIL and that it’s not a coincidental friending x

Gemini69 · 28/12/2017 13:39

Block them ALL.. or get off FB... Flowers

happypoobum · 28/12/2017 13:40

I would come off FB.

DeepanKrispanEven · 28/12/2017 13:42

It's probably worth a friendly inquiry as to whether the ex sought out SIL or vice versa, and to point out the potential danger she poses to your family.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 28/12/2017 13:43

I would tell sil considering the ex's very recent going on about your DH (in last six months considering they split ten years ago) that you're not happy for her to put any photos or posts about you and DH. For the above reason. She is still clearly upset.

And then I would tighten all your social media settings. If you do post anything personal make sure it's all for friends only and friends of friends can't see etc. I am constantly surprised by how open people leave their settings.

Original poster
TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 14:08

I'm quite relieved to know that I'm not alone in being uncomfortable with this. My Facebook privacy settings are very tight, so I know that ex isn't seeing anything from my page. But I can't control SIL's settings Sad I feel uncomfortable about telling/asking SIL to unfriend her and so does H.

OP posts:
HouseOfGoldandBones · 28/12/2017 14:15

I would feel very uncomfortable with this too OP.

I think I would change my settings, so that any post that mentions your family or any photographs are not seen by SIL.

I would speak with SIL & let her know that she may not see all of your updates because of her new "friendship", but tell her you would never tell her who to be friends with.

QueenArseClangers · 28/12/2017 14:18

Until this is sorted then I’d block SIL.
It all sounds very scary.

Piffle11 · 28/12/2017 14:22

It's stuff like this that made me come off Facebook ... my DSis friended my ex - nice enough man but I don't want him having access to pics of me and my DC (DSis had just uploaded many pics of my wedding right before friending him), another friend was FB friends with another ex (this one a little more psychotic), and another friend bizarrely made friends with my Ex DH - she didn't even know him that well. I couldn't trust these friends to make sure their settings were secure, so I started having to unfriend them, then just decided to come off FB altogether. What really pissed me off about the one with my DSis is that whenever she used to talk about him, she would always go on about how boring and twatty she thought he was. So why be 'friends'??!! Think you need to speak to SIL - did the ex approach her? She needs to rethink this and at least remove any information/photos of you and DH. And if she's not forthcoming, unfriend your SIL.

Whatsinanameanyway201 · 28/12/2017 14:24

YANBU. My entire in laws are Bessie mates with DH (we've been married 6 years, together for much more) ex psycho bitch gf. No kids or marriage so should have been a straight split. Instead, my nieces call her auntie and she was maid of honor at SIL wedding. Horrendous, uncomfortable situation it absolutely kills me, they plaster all over FB how much the love and adore her, it destroys me. I'll never be good enough for them and seeing it all over FB just confirms that. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Straycatblue · 28/12/2017 14:25

I feel uncomfortable about telling/asking SIL to unfriend her and so does H.

Why?
Normal families protect each other from dangerous violent people who are stalking.

Suggest you write a list like your OP of the things this EX has done, your SIL may be completely unaware, if she declines to unfriend then suggest you do not allow them to take any photos of you in case she shares them on her social media and would also unfriend your SIL (idont mean in real life, I mean on social media)

ThunderboltsLightning · 28/12/2017 14:30

Why are you, and particularly your DH uncomfortable about speaking to SIL about it? It sounds like you are reasonably close.

DoculamentDoculament · 28/12/2017 14:32

You can't Police other peoples friendships.

To me, the risk of FB is that people who you don't want to, may see your posts.

If you can't accept that, don't be on FB.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2017 14:37

Another one who can't understand why you don't simply speak to your SIL? Even if you just ask out of curiosity.

I'd have a chat with her and if she still wants to be friends with her (totally her choice), just explain the reason why you need to block your SIL and make it clear there's no hard feelings.

Confusedbeetle · 28/12/2017 14:57

Facebook Facebook. Block the offending person, dont post on Facebook, or cancel your account. My Italian friends are shocked that English people post photos of children . They have a point

Branleuse · 28/12/2017 15:02

I would message them and tell them that if they are going to have a friendship with that woman, then you are going to have to remove them from facebook as you do not want any connection.

Or just remove them undramatically and only tell them if they ask

Straycatblue · 28/12/2017 15:03

Facebook Facebook. Block the offending person, dont post on Facebook, or cancel your account. My Italian friends are shocked that English people post photos of children . They have a point

But thats not what the problem is so blocking or deleting the ex or cancelling the account wont help? Did you read the OP??

The point is that the sister in law posts pictures on HER account of the OP and family that the ex will now be able see because the sister in law is now fb friends with with the unstable violent ex.

Rudgie47 · 28/12/2017 15:05

Isnt it funny how mens ex's always have mental health problems and are unstable?

If its really true that she is really unhinged then I'd come off Facebook.

Swipe left for the next trending thread