AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable about this

[TinselTwat]

It's another bloody Facebook one! Apologies in advance

I saw on Facebook this morning that SIL and her husband have become friends with my DH's ex of over 10 years. I know this because it comes up on the newsfeed with a 'X and Y are now friends' type message. SIL and her H haven't seen ex in at least 10 years and have no relationship with her whatsoever outside of the fact that she once went out with my now H. H and I both think this new Facebook friendship is quite odd. Neither SIL or her H are the type of people that have hundreds of Facebook friends.

To avoid a massive dripfeed, Ex has a serious mental illness and is unstable. She has done various odd things over the years including, attacking and burning H's girlfriend before me with a cigarette, getting upset at a mutual friend's wedding and asking H to take her back 5 years after they split, and writing about him on her blog as recently as 6 months ago.

SIL puts a lot of photos on Facebook of H and I and our family. AIBU to feel uncomfortable that ex can now see this? I would prefer it if she didn't know anything about my life at all given her previous behaviour.

No we haven't spoken to SIL. H has offered to, but I think it might make us look just as bonkers as psycho ex petty or bizarre or that we're monitoring and dictating SIL's friendships. H and I are both keen to act as if ex isn't remotely on our radar as she thrives on the drama. Maybe SIL does too

SIL is entitled to be friends with whoever she likes, and I don't know the extent of what SIL knows about ex, but I can't help but take this quite personally. However stupid that will seem to some

Gemini69
No, definitely not. He hates any sort of drama and it was him who chose to end the relationship. He says he feels bad for her that she feels the need to do things like this. Various times before H and I were a couple his ex had tried to contact him and he told her in no uncertain terms to leave him alone, which to be fair she has. Just hasn't managed to extend that to leaving SIL alone too.

I don't think it's unreasonable, in light of the history, to ask SIL to ensure no photos of you or her brother are posted on her page where the ex can see them. That's not dictating her friendships etc, it's protecting yourselves. I'm pretty sure on facebook you can categorise friends and have individual settings for them ( 'limited profile'), so SIL could, for example, ensure ex can't see any photos that she posts, but could still see posts/shares etc.

I would limit what your SIL can see of your FB so she can't share any photos/info. There are settings to do this which you can change with each individual FB post/photo.

the reason I raised this question OP..

was because YOU are the only one actively focused on the potential issues surrounding the access the ExGF might have to you and your DP....whereas your DP isn't doing anything about this at all ...

If your DP genuinely feels the threat is long gone... then do nothing..

Various times before H and I were a couple his ex had tried to contact him and he told her in no uncertain terms to leave him alone, which to be fair she has.

Now that you've added this, I still think you need to be cautious. Your H has had to tell her more than once to leave him alone, so I don't think it's any coincidence that she's now friends with your SIL.

But, I can kind of see your DH's point, in not feeding drama. So I'd suggest you just monitor the situation now, and then take action if it does look like getting more serious. It may be that knowing about your DH from a distance will be enough for this ex.

Gemini69 yes that's it exactly. DH does genuinely believe the threat is long gone. I'm the one actively considering her potential threat to me because I obviously don't know what's she's capable of as well as H does, as H clearly genuinely thinks there's no actual threat to me maybe I should just believe him and get on with my life.

RaspberryOverload
I can kind of see your DH's point, in not feeding drama. So I'd suggest you just monitor the situation now, and then take action if it does look like getting more serious. It may be that knowing about your DH from a distance will be enough for this ex.

I really really hope this is the case, and this is our current plan. To be seen to be ignoring it, but be checking more closely for any further odd behaviour.

OP, sounds sensible. Maybe just keep a note somewhere, a record, in case any pattern shows in future.

If I'm doing something long term, I've often just kept a Word document that I add to as necessary.

The thing is, if you leave FB or block SIL, then she can merrily share away and you won't have a clue what she's doing. I definitely think you need to speak to her.

Is it possible that she is now stabilised her MH condition and has realised that when she was ill she hurt a lot of people and reached out to your SIL to apologise for her behaviour and thank her for her support during the difficult time?
I think you should share your worries with your SIL and maybe she’ll be able to reassure you with regards to the nature of the contact with the ex.

Update, if anyone's interested:
DH asked SIL what was going on, and she said that ex had friended her and her H on the same day, she thought it was a bit strange but she'd accepted without really thinking of the potential implications, having had no idea about the blog and some of ex's other odd behaviour. H said that's fine, but please don't put anything on your Facebook about me in case she sees it. SIL deleted her instead and apologised, not that she really needed to. So that's mostly a resolution that everyone is happy with but SIL's H is still friends with ex on Facebook. DH assumed that when SIL unfriended ex her H would too. Although it's less of an issue as he doesn't often post family photos or statuses.

Good news 👍