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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable about this

62 replies

TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 13:06

It's another bloody Facebook one! Apologies in advance

I saw on Facebook this morning that SIL and her husband have become friends with my DH's ex of over 10 years. I know this because it comes up on the newsfeed with a 'X and Y are now friends' type message. SIL and her H haven't seen ex in at least 10 years and have no relationship with her whatsoever outside of the fact that she once went out with my now H. H and I both think this new Facebook friendship is quite odd. Neither SIL or her H are the type of people that have hundreds of Facebook friends.

To avoid a massive dripfeed, Ex has a serious mental illness and is unstable. She has done various odd things over the years including, attacking and burning H's girlfriend before me with a cigarette, getting upset at a mutual friend's wedding and asking H to take her back 5 years after they split, and writing about him on her blog as recently as 6 months ago.

SIL puts a lot of photos on Facebook of H and I and our family. AIBU to feel uncomfortable that ex can now see this? I would prefer it if she didn't know anything about my life at all given her previous behaviour.

OP posts:

Eatalot · 28/12/2017 15:06

Hmm possibly ex
Frequested and they blindly accepted. I think you should ask as she could have done this to stalk. Speak to sil ask her outright. If she says they are friends say thats fine dont want to interfere but please dont post about us and ill have to remove you from friends lists to protect family.

Or she may go shit I thought it was someone else.

Eatalot · 28/12/2017 15:11

Ridgie 47. I agree with this a lot too but going by the incidents op mentioned.

A bloke my sister works with goes in about his psycho ex. My sister asked what was so psycho about her. Apparently she threw a wobby when she caught him fingering her sister after a party!!!

mumofthemonsters808 · 28/12/2017 15:11

You can shout from the rooftops how uncomfortable you are with this, but if your situation turns out like mine, you'll be told you are being ridiculous, childish, controlling and it's not about you. I come off it, I was that pissed off with the whole sorry saga, part of me thinks I shouldn't have reacted immediately, I should of waited to see how things panned out, but I was just so angry and upset that this abusive arse hole ( who I've not seen for years ) had now been upgraded to a long, lost, wonderful person, by the people I cared the most about. I was suddenly being given updates about his life (holidays, kids etc), they still itch to speak about him now.

I bet my bottom dollar he was pissing himself at upsetting the apple cart, just as this ex will be doing.Be careful how you play your cards.

crispsahoy · 28/12/2017 15:12

You can block ex from seeing anything you are tagged in. She will never know but you'll feel better, (dh & I did this with my sil) ask your sil/bil what's going on but I would guess ex has added them.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2017 15:15

My Italian friends are shocked that English people post photos of children .They have a point

I hope you pointed out that it's very far from just English people who do this?

Faking · 28/12/2017 15:18

It looks like she has added SIL & husband so she can snoop. Could be wrong though.

Rudgie47 · 28/12/2017 15:19

SIL sounds like a shit stirrer herself.
Why on earth would she accept a friend request from a dangerous, stalking lunatic?

IrkThePurist · 28/12/2017 15:34

Yanbu, and your SIL is being very naive. Or is also a troublemaker. Block her on FB or stop using it.

Original poster

TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 16:27

Rudgie47
Isn't it funny how mens ex's always have mental health problems and are unstable?

I know, and I agree. I know how it looks. But in this case it is honestly true. She really does have a diagnosed mental health condition and I have witnessed her attack someone. This isn't just a line that DH is feeding me, I know her and it's 100% true.

SIL sounds like a shit stirrer herself I'm not sure about this, SIL has never done anything vindictive before and I think it's closer to the mark that's she's naïve. I don't know what exactly SIL knows about ex, she possibly isn't aware of all the issues, and definitely doesn't know about the blog.

OP posts:

Original poster

TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 16:30

Also, I don't have any children yet I probably could have made that clearer. There are no children involved in the situation at all, except SILs and that's her lookout if she doesn't mind ex seeing photos of them online.

Personally I wouldn't put photos of my children online. but then what do I know because I don't have any

OP posts:

ObscuredbyFog · 28/12/2017 17:32

I would bet ten million pounds the Ex sought out the SIL and that it’s not a coincidental friending x

Seconded, Thirded and Fourthed, the Ex has an agenda here and it's not let's be friends.

Original poster

TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 17:38

I know ObscuredbyFog I completely agree. There's no way the ex has just randomly added them after 10 years purely out of a desire to be friends. DH thinks it's a bit odd, but isn't massively bothered. But I think it's an incredibly strange thing to do and it feels wrong for them to be 'friends', but I don't feel that we can start policing who SIL is friends with. They live at least 5 hours apart anyway so it would be difficult for them to have an actual face to face friendship.

I'm trying to work out why she's done this, there must be some motivation but I can't really work out what its a lot of trouble to go to just to have a nose.

OP posts:

LemonShark · 28/12/2017 17:40

crispsahoy It doesn't work that way sadly. If OP blocks the ex, then when SIL upload photos and statuses tagging her the ex will see them fine just won't be able to click on OP's name to go to her page, it'll seem like a regular word instead of a bolded link. That's a good way to avoid ex seeing anything on OP's Facebook if she's not fully confident her security is tight, but it definitely won't stop her seeing things related to OP on SIL's page.

RaspberryOverload · 28/12/2017 17:57

If this lady has a diagnosed MH condition and has form for attacking someone, I'd be worried.

It's been 10 years since she split with your DH, OP, but something has probably happened recently, IE in the last 6 months/a year, as she's written recently about your DH on her blog and now is friends with your SIL (and I'd be interested in reading that blog from around that time, before and after the actual mention, it might give some clues).

Suggests to me that she now moving into active stalking, and this has the potential to escalate. Something has triggered a renewed interest in your DH, so I'd want to be cautious and keep an eye on what she's up to. Hopefully her interest dies away.

ItsNachoCheese · 28/12/2017 18:03

Shes not just requested your sil as a friend for the fun of it she has an agenda

LemonShark · 28/12/2017 18:10

What does the blog post say? Obviously you don't have to paste it but the gist of it might give some insight into her frame of mind.

Original poster

TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 18:17

The blog post is about a specific period of her life and H and his family and the very specific area in which they are used to live are mentioned in passing, but the post isn't entirely about them. Just about her life at the time in which they obviously featured. The very specific area (ie street name) is mentioned once by name but H is not named, and neither are any family members named or specifically referred to. But the overall message is that they were very supportive during a hard time in her life. Neither myself and DH or any of his family live anywhere near there now, and neither does ex, but in the opposite to direction to us if that makes sense.

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gamerwidow · 28/12/2017 18:25

Ex probably messaged SIL and SIL had to friend her to see the message. She probably just forgot to immediately unfriend her again. Ask her to do it if the ex is dangerous I doubt she’d say no.

Original poster

TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 18:30

DH seems to think that ex isn't dangerous and doesn't pose an actual threat to us as she lives so far away and hasn't been seen by H or any of his family or friends in 5 years or so. This does seem logical, but she attacked someone before and I just feel really weird about her being friends with SIL.

OP posts:

LemonShark · 28/12/2017 18:50

Hmm blog post sounds fairly innocuous to be fair. Is it possible she wrote that as a self exploratory kinda thing then it brought up memories of how kind to her his family were so she reached out on Facebook?

Nonetheless I'm a bit suspicious you're DP claims she burned and attacked an ex of his (not him) yet doesn't seem too concerned about protecting you from her. Very weird. I'd be concerned in this situation. Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't add a friend's ex if they had a new serious partner and they were personally in touch, i know most people say it's fine as it's your social media but I'd feel off and rude doing that.

Original poster

TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 19:03

I'm a bit suspicious you're DP claims she burned and attacked an ex of his (not him) yet doesn't seem too concerned about protecting you from her.

According to H he's not particularly worried as it was so long ago 9/10 years ago, soon after H and ex split, she also lives a long way from us and hasn't contacted H or I at all in any way during our entire relationship, only contacted H before we met. I agree that the blog post is fairly innocuous, it certainly wasn't malicious anyway. H was just written about in the general context of her life during that time. I still think it's an odd thing to do, but I get that some people will think this is entirely normal and I'm not a blogger so don't know what's normal, so to speak.

OP posts:

Original poster

TinselTwat · 28/12/2017 19:07

I wouldn't add a friend's ex if they had a new serious partner and they were personally in touch, i know most people say it's fine as it's your social media but I'd feel off and rude doing that.

I wouldn't either. This is why I feel odd/mildly annoyed that SIL and her husband have become friends with ex. This probably sounds laughable to some of you but I think its a bit rude. It feels a bit dismissive of me and my relationship with H, although H and I are married and have been together double the length of time that H and ex were.

OP posts:

LemonShark · 28/12/2017 19:32

Yeah I can def imagine writing a self indulgent memoirs style post about my life and discussing a hard time and the people who supported me/describing my life at that time. If I were so inclined.

I think we're the odd ones out as any time the topic of family adding or staying in touch with or having frame photos of exes comes up everyone says YABU to have any feelings or wishes about someone else's social contact or friends on social media. I agree it's unreasonable if someone has been close to the family since the split and there's no drama. But to kinda have an ex pop up and embrace that with nothing to gain would seem really disrespectful towards the persons current partner. Like I can't imagine a scenario where I'd accept an add from a friend or relative's ex after so long. Mane people would have an issue with that and I'd not want to make their new partner feel uncomfortable or like I didn't support their relationship.

But anyway you can't control SIL, have you spoken to her? No reason it has to filter back to ex unless SIL wants drama, hopefully SIL will understand and just delete or block this woman and no more needs to be said. I'd do that for family in a heartbeat especially if they had a history of violence!

LemonShark · 28/12/2017 19:34

I see it as she's caused problems for the family before so they should be closing ranks and looking out for you. Their existing and future family. Not accepting contact from the violent ex. I honestly find loads of people disagree with that though!

Gemini69 · 28/12/2017 19:45

is your Husband enjoying the 'distant attentions' of this decade long stalker ?

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