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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DF ‘I don’t go away at Christmas’

75 replies

lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 12:54

A bit of context, Dad is 65 and has three kids including me, all in our thirties and we are all scattered around the country. DM died 8 years ago and he’s been living with his new partner for 6 years.

Every year since he’s spent every Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day with his partner’s big family - who all live in the same small town. They always do the same thing together, and he’s fitted in with their plans.

Since DM died DF refuses to travel to spend Christmas with any of his children, citing the travelling and weather as ‘too much hassle’. DB and DSis have both been to stay with him. We travelled to him the year our DS was born, so that he could spend DGS’s first Christmas with him (much to the displeasure of his partner’s family) but since then it’s v much a case of us having to fit in with his partner’s family’s Christmas and see him before or after. His partner is completely inflexible about doing Christmas any other way and will not leave her children/grandchildren, so if he ever did come to me it’d probably have to be alone - even though we’d of course invite his partner too.

So this year, as I’m pregnant again, I thought I’d tentatively mention the idea of him having Christmas at our house next year, as he adores our DS so much. I got a very short and definite ‘No, I don’t travel at Christmas’. I replied that I thought that was a shame, as he wouldn’t ever be able to spend Christmas Day with his grandchildren and his response was ‘I won’t travel over Christmas, it’s not worth the hassle’

AIBU to be a bit put out over this? I didn’t say anything more to DF because I didn’t want to upset him or create a scene, but I am feeling very upset about it.

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 28/12/2017 12:57

YANBU to feel that way & he's NBU to do that. He just has to accept that he'll see his grandkids less. Nothing stopping you from bringing it up with him generally in the new year though - not getting upset but just a calm mention.

Sirzy · 28/12/2017 12:57

If you want to see him at Christmas you can travel to him surely?

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 12:59

I’m not sure that you read my post Sirzy - we travel to see him every year

OP posts:
usedtogotomars · 28/12/2017 13:01

My dad did this.

Mum died in April. By June dad was living with another woman. By December, the thought of him leaving her embrace was unthinkable. It’s so annoying. I had to spend Christmas alone because my dad wouldn’t leave the bloody woman for even a day!

DoculamentDoculament · 28/12/2017 13:02

I think so much angst around Christmas is due to people doing what they don't want to do, especially if they feel it is expected by others.

I did exactly what I wanted this Christmas and it was so much more enjoyable.

Tinselistacky · 28/12/2017 13:02

I would assume the 'df' stood for doormat father now and he is after a quiet life so is prepared to do what his dp wants to get one.
Means you don't have to share your precious time with your dc.
Stop stressing, you won't win him over .

AgentProvocateur · 28/12/2017 13:03

If he doesn’t drive, travelling at Christmas is pretty shit tbh. We’d planned to take the train from Glasgow to London but they’re doing works between Xmas and NY and we couldn’t get a train back in time.

Sirzy · 28/12/2017 13:03

I meant for Christmas Day which from your post you did once. Surely you could join the extended family celebration if you really wanted to spend Christmas Day itself with him?

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 13:04

You’re absolutely right in your assumption that he wants a quiet life, this is him in a nutshell. Him coming to us would disrupt an established pattern, and since mum died he no longer has the energy to challenge it. I love him to pieces but it’s very hard to see his life get smaller and smaller every year - his choice though.

OP posts:
Trills · 28/12/2017 13:04

You could see him some time that is not the few days of Christmas?

usedtogotomars · 28/12/2017 13:05

Yes, so she’s unhappy and made to feel uncomfortable. Not really what Christmas is about!

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 13:05

Sirzy DB, DSis and I have all joined in with his partner’s family celebrations at points in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 13:06

Trills this is what we have to do, as I said in my original post

OP posts:
NovemberWitch · 28/12/2017 13:06

Encourage him to come at other times of the year then, and to his other children.
He’s allowed to make his own decisions now his children are adults. If he moved to Australia, you’d see him even less. Was he a very interactive, involved dad when you were growing up?

cantkeepawayforever · 28/12/2017 13:06

We have not travelled for Christmas since DS was born - he's now in his late teens. Family are welcome to visit us, and we are happy to host, but we are never away for Christmas.

That is our preference, and nobody has been rude enough to suggest that we are 'wrong'.

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 13:06

DF drives. He lives two hours away.

OP posts:
DoculamentDoculament · 28/12/2017 13:06

That's the point - it's his choice. I struggle to see why it's the wants of other people that should take precedence over what an individual wants to do over Christmas.

NerrSnerr · 28/12/2017 13:07

He wants to stay at home so that’s what he should do. I speak from experience that visiting at Christmas because of a sense of duty it shit.

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 13:08

I didn’t say it was wrong cantkeepaway - I asked if it was unreasonable to be a bit put out that he doesn’t want to ever spend Christmas with his family again.

OP posts:
xxJoJoxx · 28/12/2017 13:08

In my experience, men, if/when they remarry tend to fit in with their new spouse/partners arrangements. Not so much women when they remarry, their menfolks tend to fit in with them.

As much as we pretend we are all equal etc etc, I truly believe men look to being 'mothered' and this is so amplified later in life. Widowers tend to rely upon thie daughters who take over a parenting role. (I have one for a much older, elderly brother!)
Shakespeare summarised it well :

The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slippered pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

usedtogotomars · 28/12/2017 13:08

I can’t speak for the op, but what hurt me when it happened to me was realising that my dad had never really cared about me at all.

NovemberWitch · 28/12/2017 13:08

He’s spending it with his partner. Confused

Firenight · 28/12/2017 13:10

It’s personal preference. I don’t travel away for Christmas either and haven’t since my eldest was small. It’s not restful and far too much hassle. People know where we are and are welcome to visit. We go and see family at other times when the weather is better and we don’t have a load of presents to transport.

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 13:10

He could spend it with his partner and us, though, occasionally? Instead of his partner and about fifteen of her relations?

OP posts:
Trills · 28/12/2017 13:12

If there are two groups of people that you care about, and one group do a "big family Christmas" and the other group all live in one house, it makes sense to join in with the big family Christmas and visit the other group another time.

It doesn't mean you care about the first group more than the second.