Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DF ‘I don’t go away at Christmas’

75 replies

lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 12:54

A bit of context, Dad is 65 and has three kids including me, all in our thirties and we are all scattered around the country. DM died 8 years ago and he’s been living with his new partner for 6 years.

Every year since he’s spent every Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day with his partner’s big family - who all live in the same small town. They always do the same thing together, and he’s fitted in with their plans.

Since DM died DF refuses to travel to spend Christmas with any of his children, citing the travelling and weather as ‘too much hassle’. DB and DSis have both been to stay with him. We travelled to him the year our DS was born, so that he could spend DGS’s first Christmas with him (much to the displeasure of his partner’s family) but since then it’s v much a case of us having to fit in with his partner’s family’s Christmas and see him before or after. His partner is completely inflexible about doing Christmas any other way and will not leave her children/grandchildren, so if he ever did come to me it’d probably have to be alone - even though we’d of course invite his partner too.

So this year, as I’m pregnant again, I thought I’d tentatively mention the idea of him having Christmas at our house next year, as he adores our DS so much. I got a very short and definite ‘No, I don’t travel at Christmas’. I replied that I thought that was a shame, as he wouldn’t ever be able to spend Christmas Day with his grandchildren and his response was ‘I won’t travel over Christmas, it’s not worth the hassle’

AIBU to be a bit put out over this? I didn’t say anything more to DF because I didn’t want to upset him or create a scene, but I am feeling very upset about it.

OP posts:
Beltane18 · 28/12/2017 14:06

oh Christmas travel is usually a nightmare

I said to all my family this year "please stop making a big deal - if you think it's because Jesus was born, does he want us to be all stressed out, if you don't, then what's it all for?"

If he will travel to see you at other times it's fine.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/12/2017 14:17

I think it's quite likely that the "hassle" he is referring to is the row he'd have with his partner if he tried to break away from her during Christmas.

I don't blame you for being upset by it, but I think you will have to get used to it, yes. :(

LostSight · 28/12/2017 14:17

We don’t travel at Christmas either. There’s a fair chance the weather will be awful and someone will probably be ill.

I do get why you’re upset OP. I remember my FIL refusing to travel to us for DD’s first Christmas because he wouldn’t be able to drink. I felt seeing our children should be more important to him.

That said, I don’t doubt he loved them. I just think he wanted a comfortable Christmas at home. Ours was probably better without them, if I’m honest.

Is he comfortable staying with you at other times? Are there other alternatives? Could he host you at his, even if his new partner goes to her family? I suspect he enjoys the big family Christmas and is choosing to prioritise his own feelings though. If I were you, I’d concentrate on building my own family Christmas and let him get on with it.

Rarotonga · 28/12/2017 14:23

I'd be hurt by this too OP Flowers

Beltane18 · 28/12/2017 14:29

just a thought on your point about his life getting smaller and smaller

I live in London and I would so love a smaller life. I dream of living somewhere small and local and hardly ever having to go far. I'm 41. I think we've got so used to rushing round like mad things, it's seen as odd if you don't want a busier life. He may be loving the "smaller" life.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/12/2017 14:32

I can understand his not wanting to travel at such a busy time - personally I wouldn't persist, if he's able to see Gdcs at other times.

My FiL was once v stubborn about coming to us for Christmas - to be quite fair we were an 8 hour flight away, but it would be perfect weather and we were paying for the tickets! He grumbled and moaned about leaving the house, pipes might freeze, etc., (this was London so hardly likely). Truth was, he just didn't want a change to the usual,old routine.

In the end my lovely MiL, who'd cooked Christmas dinner for hordes in a tiny kitchen for something like 40 years, said, 'Well, you can do what you like - I'm going.'

They both came, and had a lovely time in the sun.

HeddaGarbled · 28/12/2017 14:34

I'm with your dad on this one - travelling at Christmas can be a nightmare. Who wants to spend the day before or after sitting in a traffic jam on a motorway or worrying if you are going to be able to travel at all because of the weather? Much better to stay home for Christmas and see you and the children when the roads are quieter.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 28/12/2017 14:50

My MIL is widowed and lives in her own. My dad is also widowed and lives alone. We used to invite MIL for Christmas, thinking she would love to see the kids open their presents in the morning. She lives a couple of hours away and doesn't like to drive, so DH did the 4 hour long trip to collect her, then she would stay the night (or as long as she wanted) and then DH would do the trip again to take her home. I made up her room, with fresh flowers and treats, cooked up a storm, made her as many cups of tea as she wanted and generally spoiled her, so she could enjoy a couple of days with her dgcs. She was up at the crack of dawn on boxing day, wanting home Confused
Finally she told us she preferred to go to a friends house for Christmas dinner (and watch friend's family and she open their gifts!!!) as she could go home when she wanted.
At first I was hurt, as I felt I had tried to give her a wonderful Christmas and it was thrown back in my face. But then I realised it was MY wonderful Christmas i was trying to foist on her! She is perfectly entitled to choose the Christmas she wants (even if it seems completely odd to me!) We go and visit her the weekend before Christmas and exchange money gifts. I think she can only cope with us and the dc in small portions! We still get on fine, and she is pleased to see us.

Maybe your dad is similar, OP??

glitterglitters · 28/12/2017 14:59

I have the same thing exactly except I live in the same town as my dad. He also spelt my name wrong on my Christmas card this year. No advice as such but just a bit of "know how you feel" unmumsnetty hug WineWine

joystir59 · 28/12/2017 17:05

Your dad is 65 and fully entitled to stay home forChridtmad anddo what suitshim. He's done his part imo

magicroundabouts · 28/12/2017 17:10

I can see why you are upset. We have had the same issue with PIL (not expecting them to travel every year, but they have said they will never travel to us). DH is very hurt, as he wants them to spend time with DC's and have that large extended family Christmas that he remembers from his childhood.

I think though there is always a danger of Christmas becoming a static event, due to the focus on preserving traditions. The reality is that life changes. In our case, we are now over 500 miles away from PIL. I can see why they don't want to travel. I don't like travelling to them for Christmas. DC get too tired, getting presents home is a pain, it is expensive and we don't get to spend much time with them.

I think there is no harm in saying ok we will do our own thing at Christmas and then meet up in Jan or whenever and that can become the new tradition.

DoculamentDoculament · 28/12/2017 17:11

ThePlatypus - I think you've hit the nail on the head! You can't impose your idea of a perfect Christmas on anyone and it is uncomfortable for many people and not their idea of a relaxed break/Christmas to stay in another home even if you love that person.

ShiftyMcGifty · 28/12/2017 17:16

If it’s “just” Christmas, where the hell did OP get this crazy idea it’s about family time?

Do you lot think she just watched a John Lewis advert and decided that’s what she need to do too?

Or was it her parents that instilled in her the idea that Christmas time was about family? And maybe, just maybe that’s why it stings that the person who shoved this tradition down her throat all her life is now telling her he can’t be arsed to see her because his girlfriend wants to see her family?

stickytoffeevodka · 28/12/2017 17:23

But you can see your family any day of the year. I grew up with no extended family in the same continent let alone country and I had some amazing Christmases!

I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to travel over Christmas - it's a pain. DP and I spent Christmas Day together - I saw my parents after I finished work on Boxing Day and we saw DP's family today even though they only live round the corner.

I refuse to travel to anyone for Christmas - I only get one day off and I refuse to spend it in the car rushing to people's houses!

Spartaca · 28/12/2017 17:32

I'd be upset too. Like you, I wouldn't make a big deal of it but I would be hurt. He's your dad, your mum isn't around and I would expect him to want to see you

lalalalyra · 28/12/2017 17:49

I could see your point if you and your siblings weren't welcome to join him, but you are.

Look at it from his POV - if he stays put then everyone can spend christmas with him, whereas if he travels they can't.

stickytoffeevodka · 28/12/2017 17:52

He's your dad, your mum isn't around and I would expect him to want to see you

But if OP has three siblings who all live apart, how can he spend Christmas with one of them without upsetting the others?

Isn't it easier for him to stay put and his children can come to him?

Isetan · 28/12/2017 18:12

Unfortunately, it appears your mother made a too good of a job of neutralising your father’s ‘path of least resistance’ tendencies.

It’s ok to be dissatisfied but this who he is, weak and lazy and the ‘path of least resistance’ tendency that your mother exploited to your advantage, is now being exploited by his new partner for hers.

Let it go and stop prioritising someone who sees you as an option.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 28/12/2017 18:18

My PIL don't like to travel at Christmas. They don't like to host either. So we don't see them on Christmas Day. We're fine with that, although they would be welcome to come if they wished

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 22:02

Isetan I wonder how you’ve managed to create such an imaginative character analysis of my mother when the only information I provided about her is that she died 8 years ago. FWIW my mother was a tempering influence in my father’s life and found his tendency to bury his head in the sand frustrating. She would, gently, encourage him to try new things. Having known her for 28 years I can safely say that she’d understand why I felt upset too.

OP posts:
RaindropsAndSparkles · 28/12/2017 22:13

OP since ds was 2 we have not travelled at Christmas. My stepfather does not travel at Christmas. The ils, now just MIL, have come to us for 23 of the last 26 years. For at least 20 years my Mother and step father have come the weekend before Christmas.

It works for us. I'd like them to come at Christmas too but it won't happen.

RadioGaGoo · 28/12/2017 22:54

I don't think it would kill for people to reciprocate the travel. Why should only one party have to travel each year? If it's too much hassle for him OP, I wouldn't go out of your way for him again.

juliesaway · 28/12/2017 23:00

Seems a shame at 65 he’s behaving like he’s 85. Some people get like this about travelling though. It’s sad.

missiondecision · 28/12/2017 23:08

Yanbu to be upset but some people just prefer their own space, bed etc.
Some men, especially when they are older (and have less options) would rather appease their partner than be alone.
Easter is on its way.... start a new tradition.
Christmas is over rated anyway.

Voice0fReason · 28/12/2017 23:42

I'm with your dad, travel over Christmas is a pain and I much prefer being at home.

You have the right to have any feelings that you have over it, but it is your problem to deal with. He's doing what he wants to do.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page