Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DF ‘I don’t go away at Christmas’

75 replies

lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 12:54

A bit of context, Dad is 65 and has three kids including me, all in our thirties and we are all scattered around the country. DM died 8 years ago and he’s been living with his new partner for 6 years.

Every year since he’s spent every Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day with his partner’s big family - who all live in the same small town. They always do the same thing together, and he’s fitted in with their plans.

Since DM died DF refuses to travel to spend Christmas with any of his children, citing the travelling and weather as ‘too much hassle’. DB and DSis have both been to stay with him. We travelled to him the year our DS was born, so that he could spend DGS’s first Christmas with him (much to the displeasure of his partner’s family) but since then it’s v much a case of us having to fit in with his partner’s family’s Christmas and see him before or after. His partner is completely inflexible about doing Christmas any other way and will not leave her children/grandchildren, so if he ever did come to me it’d probably have to be alone - even though we’d of course invite his partner too.

So this year, as I’m pregnant again, I thought I’d tentatively mention the idea of him having Christmas at our house next year, as he adores our DS so much. I got a very short and definite ‘No, I don’t travel at Christmas’. I replied that I thought that was a shame, as he wouldn’t ever be able to spend Christmas Day with his grandchildren and his response was ‘I won’t travel over Christmas, it’s not worth the hassle’

AIBU to be a bit put out over this? I didn’t say anything more to DF because I didn’t want to upset him or create a scene, but I am feeling very upset about it.

OP posts:
constantchange · 28/12/2017 13:13

YANBU. He's rude in the way he's saying it. If he said something like "Looking, I love you and your family, but would you mind if I came to you at some point after Christmas? It's just that getting there over the holiday season is quite difficult for me" it would be completely different.

Outright refusing to see you is mean.

DoculamentDoculament · 28/12/2017 13:14

I haven't spent Christmas with my Dad for 27 years. He definitely cares about me.

I spent Christmas day with my Mum, I spent Boxing day on my own even though my Mum would want me to spend it with her. I definitely care about her.

My cousin spends every Christmas alone. It's what he prefers. It's not that he doesn't have invitations or doesn't care about his parents or siblings or extended family.

I really don't understand the people who get annoyed or upset because they want someone to do what they don't want to do just to please them.

TittyGolightly · 28/12/2017 13:14

So much significance is put on a completely arbitrary date.

Make the second weekend in December your Xmas with your dad and let him do what he wants for actual Xmas.

usedtogotomars · 28/12/2017 13:16

Doc, when my dad pulled that stunt it left me completely on my own at Christmas while he was with his new partner and family and it did hurt my feelings.

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 13:17

This is the thing, I’m not going to push him further on it, or make him feel bad. I respect his choice. I just feel a bit disappointed I guess.

OP posts:
HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 13:19

If there are two groups of people that you care about, and one group do a "big family Christmas" and the other group all live in one house, it makes sense to join in with the big family Christmas and visit the other group another time.
Would also say that if it was an issue with spending time with family and IL?
That it is ok for you to spend all your time with your family every Christmas and that you would just visit the IL at another time?
The fact that Christmas is a special time in the year, esp with young children isn’t to be taken into account?

Fwiw, if it was about family and IL, the consensus is that you will split your time between them.....

morningconstitutional2017 · 28/12/2017 13:23

I well understand your feeling of being rather miffed about this but it is a sad fact that when a man remarries he often puts his new partner first and seems to almost forget his 'first' family ever existed.

I wouldn't rock the boat as you see him at other times. Why should you put yourself out by travelling over Christmas when the weather is often foul? Enjoy your Christmas at home.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 28/12/2017 13:23

Why can’t he do what he wants? Instead of what you want.

Trills · 28/12/2017 13:24

Would also say that if it was an issue with spending time with family and IL?

Yes. I would. But I'm not fussed about doing things on exactly the "right day", as some here are.

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 13:26

allthegoodusernames he does do what he wants, every year

OP posts:
ShiftyMcGifty · 28/12/2017 13:28

They’re not his family and he needs to realise he’s hurting your feelings by putting his partner’s family before his own children.

Ask him, if she died... does he still imagine he would be welcomed to spend Christmas with her family or would he suddenly be wanting to spend Christmases with you, OP? So how does he imagine that might make his children feel?

GrooovyLass · 28/12/2017 13:28

By "not worth the hassle" I'm reading "not worth the hassle I'll get from my DP"

It's hurtful but unfortunately you're not going to change his mind while they're together.

CotswoldStrife · 28/12/2017 13:30

I think the OP is upset that her father is willing to spend his Christmas with his new partner's children and grandchildren, but not his own. That is understandable.

No, he is not obliged to travel over Christmas - perhaps he never wanted to and just did it before because your mother wanted to. It's difficult to say. He could well be doing it for an easy life with his current partner.

Do you see your in-laws OP, because you don't mention them at all? Is your father the only grandparent that your children have?

Runningbutnotscared · 28/12/2017 13:30

jojo
Brilliant brilliant post Xmas Smile

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 28/12/2017 13:31

We have just come back from spending Christmas with in-laws. We go there every 2-3 years, ish.

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 28/12/2017 13:31

My father did this when he met his new wife. I hardly see him at all now (despite all my efforts and invites to both of them) but he spends a lot of time with her family.
what hurt me when it happened to me was realising that my dad had never really cared about me at all
Yes, this.

OP does your father bother with you the rest of the year?

expatinscotland · 28/12/2017 13:37

YANBU. But given his stance, the hell with it, stay at home with your family and he can have his Christmas however he likes. You don't have to travel, either.

Anythingforacatslife · 28/12/2017 13:44

Yabu. There are so any threads on here every year which have numerous posters telling people to do what they want at Xmas, it’s an invitation not a summons etc. Your dad has decided that he doesn’t want to drive two hours on some of the busiest days of the year. Maybe if you lived closer it would be different but you don’t.

derxa · 28/12/2017 13:47

I'd be hurt too OP but it is what it is. Christmas Day is just a day could be your mantra.

DeadGood · 28/12/2017 13:49

I’d be pissed off too OP. Rude tone. Why the fuck do men think they can speak to people like this?

DoculamentDoculament · 28/12/2017 13:53

I don't think it's a case of the Dad just wanting to spend Christmas with his partners children or GC though, I think it's probably more about spending Christmas in his house or at least locally so he can go home when he wants or have a drink or whatever.

He lives 2 hours away from OP so would have a 4 hour trip in one day without being able to have a few glasses of champagne or he'd have to be an overnight visitor.

MN has been FULL of posts the last few days about how annoying it is staying in someone elses house or having someone stay in yours. Even if you love them a great deal.

Posts about people asking to use the shower being annoying and making the household 'tread on eggshells'. Posts about people 'mucking in' being annoying and taking over. Posts about unequal Christmas gifts, posts about people not bringing 'host' gifts and not doing enough to help or doing too much and 'interfering'. Posts about 'taking over' with the GC or not seeming interested enough..

Posts about people having a shit in the toilet where there is an unwritten rule that people shouldn't shit in that toilet.

I wake up without fail at 5am. I hate having to lie in bed for hours in someone elses house before everyone else gets up. There have been posts on MN about people getting up 'too late' when visiting! I wouldn't go into someone else's fridge for food or open drink I haven't brought with me. Some posters think that would be really rude, some think it's rude and lazy to wait to be offered!

I don't blame him for wanting a Christmas where he can be relaxed in his own home or at least be local so he can take off when he wants.

Seasonseatings · 28/12/2017 13:58

I have had an awful trying to travel for Christmas and will think twice before doing it again

StickThatInYourPipe · 28/12/2017 14:01

Personally I would just let him do what he wants and wouldn’t hold it against him or his partner. It’s just one day

PinkyBlunder · 28/12/2017 14:02

I don’t get these threads I really don’t.

It’s just Christmas. He shouldn’t have to feel obligated to go anywhere and do anything, just the same as you. If you don’t want to travel anymore, don’t. It doesn’t mean he has to travel to you. There’s loads of other days in the year around Christmas that visiting can happen. It’s really not that bigger deal. Christmas drama is just drama for the sake of it.

I actually prefer to spend Christmas Day at home with my own DD and DH and have no one here. I have refused to travel and spend it with others numerous times. To my knowledge no one has ever taken offence because it’s my choice. This year was the only year I relented for DDs sake (although I actually think now she probably couldn’t have given a toss) and it was shit.

LockedOutOfMN · 28/12/2017 14:03

I don't think your dad is BU for wanting to sleep in his own bed and not to have to travel long distances in cold/unsafe weather in heavy traffic. Why don't you invite him to stay at another time, such as the new baby's christening or for one of your DC's birthdays?

Swipe left for the next trending thread