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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think a man doesn't start refusing sex unless something is up?

64 replies

SexTypeThing · 28/12/2017 09:27

DH doesn't seem to want to have sex with me anymore. We've only been married two years.

So his excuse on a night time is always that he's tired yet he insists on coming to bed at 12 - 1am. Is that really the actions of a tired person?? So we used to have sex in morning if I instigated but now he won't even do that! He's been off work all Christmas and hasn't come anywhere near me. I tried to instigate a couple of days ago and he got up and said he'd go make a cup of coffee. So yesterday I did the grown up thing of asking him if there is a problem and he said no. I told him I'm finding the lack of intimacy a problem and he said "don't be silly" ffs. So guess what happened last night? He came to bed at 1.30am and at some point very early in this morning he got up and went to sleep downstairs. And no I wasn't pestering him at the time, I was asleep and he woke me up leaving.

WTF is going on?? Yes I've asked him and he says nothing is wrong. I know he doesn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to but I never signed up for a life of celibacy. I'm only in my 30s ffs and he won't talk or admit that there is a problem. He has no problems getting an erection by the way, I only have to touch him there and it goes up yet he never wants to actually use it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexTypeThing · 28/12/2017 09:42

Anyone? Feeling really alone about this

OP posts:
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 28/12/2017 09:43

My gut feeling would be that something is up, obviously I don't know enough to guess any of the many things it might be. Sorry OP

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 28/12/2017 09:44

A big thing is his non-acceptance that there is a problem though.

mishfish · 28/12/2017 09:45

Did this happen suddenly? A random change in behaviour?

ILoveDolly · 28/12/2017 09:47

My husband goes through phases of disinterest (we have been together 15 years). I'd say its normal and possibly you are in a phase where you need to work on your friendship so intimacy can return. Is he preoccupied or depressed about work or family at the moment? Try not to think about your needs yet, can you foster intimacy in different non sexual ways (dates, shared experiences, talking more)??

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/12/2017 09:47

Is he looking at porn? Addicted to alcohol? My ex was looking kev it said all the right things but was an alcoholic so could not get an erection. He still looked at porn though which pissed me off. Four years of no sex and I went. Now I have a man who is amazing. The staying up late could be him avoiding sex or looking at porn. Not suggesting you do this. It on a few occasions I would sneak to the lounge door where I could see he was looking at porn. Being without sex is awful if you have a second drive. But I couldn’t live without it (there were other serious issues) so I left him.

just5morepeas · 28/12/2017 09:48

Tell him what you've said here. That it is a problem for you and you don't want to be celibate, and see how he reacts.

I do think there must be a problem if you previously regularly had sex.

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/12/2017 09:49

Bloody auto correct not second drive I meant sex drive!

Tinkerbec · 28/12/2017 09:50

Reading on here over the years it is more common than you think.

It’s a phallacy that men are constantly wanting sex. Some do yes but some are affected by tiredness, life stress or simply their drive wanes after their 20s.

We all have highs and lows in a relationship. Talk about it and say how it makes you feel. Don’t over think it though or it can be a vicious cycle.

C0untDucku1a · 28/12/2017 09:50

I imagine the staying up late is to avoid sex. The thing is, we cant possibly know. It could be depression, stress, an affair... But it is an issue and it needs to be addressed. Maybe discuss it over dinner this evening, so no avoiding?

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 28/12/2017 09:51

I'd agree that something is not right, but can't offer any clues as to what is wrong, sorry. He needs to communicate with you about this sooner or later, otherwise you might have to make some difficult decisions.
Was it enthusiastic/frequent before you got married? If so, what has changed (other than getting married)? Moved house? Changed job? Family issues? Anything else?

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 28/12/2017 09:51

The sneaking out of bed would have me suspicious. Was he on his phone? Could there possibly be someone else OP?

InspMorse · 28/12/2017 09:53

Stress? Depression? Insomnia? Alcohol?

Ifailed · 28/12/2017 09:53

It’s a phallacy that men are constantly wanting sex Grin

I think you mean fallacy!

endofacentury · 28/12/2017 09:53

This happened to me very early in my marriage, almost over night my husband wouldn't come near me, after a few months I discovered he was having an affair. Sorry op, I would be suspicious especially his refusal to acknowledge it or discuss it

edwinbear · 28/12/2017 09:55

I empathise OP as my DH went off sex 8 yrs ago when I was expecting DC1. I'm afraid I have no answers though as we still don't have sex and now sleep in separate bedrooms. We had years of me asking what was wrong, trying different approaches to instigate and him refusing to acknowledge the problem, let alone try and resolve it. In the end I lost interest and gave up.

Onedayhey · 28/12/2017 09:55

What was his sex drive like in the early days? A lot of threads on here are about men with low libido.

May50 · 28/12/2017 09:56

I would say there is definitely a problem - not necessarily that he doesn’t want to have sex at the mo , but that he refuses to acknowledge or talk to you and say s you are being silly.
My ExH was the same , we only had sex about once every 3 months and that was only when I ‘insisted’. It was soul destroying. I think he just didn’t want to be married to me but couldn’t articulate that. I kept trying but it was awful feeling so unloved.
In the end I discovered he was ringing sex chat numbers. All the time. Like an addiction.
He couldn’t talk about it and we ended up divorcing.
He is now living happily with someone else and seems much happier so I am pleased he obviously found the right person for himself.

AnyFucker · 28/12/2017 09:58

If my H acted like this (particularly the avoidance behaviour and refusal to discuss it) I would definitely think there was a major problem

Viviennemary · 28/12/2017 10:08

Something is up. It's either a work problem, a family problem causing stress. Money problems? Gambling even. . He might be unwell. Or the old MN answer to all marital problems. He's having an affair. Or he simply isn't happy in the marriage any longer. It's anybody's guess. He might be depressed without a reason behind it. . But something is going on.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 28/12/2017 10:11

Does he have a problem getting an erection ? Or maintaining it once he's got it up ?

He could be concerned about this or if it's got wider implications for his health.

You could ask him if he likes looking at you/touching you. He may well answer that he does but then do nothing.

You could try and ask him somehow with subtlety whether he is sexually satisfied. Not necessarily with you but just generally.

He could be hiding something i.e. can't get it up and doesn't want to go down the Viagra route. Or has had sexual contact with someone else and feels guilty about it. Or, sorry to say this, just doesn't fancy you anymore and doesn't know how to tell you.

This could explain him having a sneaky wank. OK, masturbation can be a snack between courses so to speak but it's not that he doesn't get it at home, more that he doesn't want it at home.

Emmasmum2013 · 28/12/2017 10:13

OP I don't want to worry unnecessarily, but have you had any other changes in behaviour?
Is he on his phone a lot more or hiding it? Is he out of the house more often? Has he lost interest in anything else as well, such as watching films or going out with you?
How come he went to sleep downstairs on his own?

bigtissue · 28/12/2017 10:16

All you describe sounds like a porn addiction to me:

Late nights alone (masturbation)
Has not lost the ability to get an erection (active libido)
Doesn't want sex with you (addiction to something you can't/won't offer)
Refusal to discuss problem (because you will ask him to moderate his use of porn)

Did the start of this problem coincide with you being pregnant?

Original poster
SexTypeThing · 28/12/2017 10:16

If he's unhappy or wants out I'd rather him just say so we can both move on. I don't want to be stuck like this.
In the beginning sex was very frequent, it dwindled naturally but now it's almost none existent the actual obvious avoidance (getting up in the early hours for example) is a new thing entirely. Normally he stays in bed until 11am or so if he isn't working then this morning he's up at 6am, straight downstairs without a word? Not normal behaviour for him.

He's obsessed with bitcoin at the minute and is obsessively watching the market. I suppose that could be seen the same as a gambling addiction?

As for an affair, I doubt it since he never leaves the house unless it's for work. He has no hobbies and never goes out with friends so unless he's internet dating I can't see how it would happen.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 28/12/2017 10:20

He's obsessed with bitcoin at the minute and is obsessively watching the market. I suppose that could be seen the same as a gambling addiction?
I was going to say that it is likely nothing to do with you but with some stress in his life which could be financial. Stress will cut any sexual desires away for some men. Your above comment would indeed very much explain it. I would be worried that he got himself in a bit of financial bother.

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