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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a man doesn't start refusing sex unless something is up?

64 replies

SexTypeThing · 28/12/2017 09:27

DH doesn't seem to want to have sex with me anymore. We've only been married two years.

So his excuse on a night time is always that he's tired yet he insists on coming to bed at 12 - 1am. Is that really the actions of a tired person?? So we used to have sex in morning if I instigated but now he won't even do that! He's been off work all Christmas and hasn't come anywhere near me. I tried to instigate a couple of days ago and he got up and said he'd go make a cup of coffee. So yesterday I did the grown up thing of asking him if there is a problem and he said no. I told him I'm finding the lack of intimacy a problem and he said "don't be silly" ffs. So guess what happened last night? He came to bed at 1.30am and at some point very early in this morning he got up and went to sleep downstairs. And no I wasn't pestering him at the time, I was asleep and he woke me up leaving.

WTF is going on?? Yes I've asked him and he says nothing is wrong. I know he doesn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to but I never signed up for a life of celibacy. I'm only in my 30s ffs and he won't talk or admit that there is a problem. He has no problems getting an erection by the way, I only have to touch him there and it goes up yet he never wants to actually use it.

OP posts:

Straycatblue · 28/12/2017 12:04

If you have adult children then clearly you're both older too, could this be a factor? Does he have health concerns?

OP says she is in her thirties

bobstersmum · 28/12/2017 12:06

Could he he worrying about something, money? Or depressed, struggling at work?

Schoolchoicesucks · 28/12/2017 12:09

How do you have 2 adult kids if you are in your 30's?

LemonShark · 28/12/2017 12:09

You've got four adult kids between you but you're only in your thirties. Is that right?

bobstersmum · 28/12/2017 12:10

She's in 30s he's older? If he's much older he could be worried about pressure of keeping up with a younger woman?

LemonShark · 28/12/2017 12:10

Cross post school! I mean it's possible to have 18-19 year olds I guess if you had them in your mid to late teens but I'd be surprised all four of around that age are all coincidentally fully grown up adults who've moved out and are independent 🤔

Original poster

SexTypeThing · 28/12/2017 12:12

I didn't say they were moved out and independent. DH is 46. I had my eldest at 17. My youngest is now 16 so not strictly an adult but close enough. What I was trying to put across is that we don't have toddlers running around.

OP posts:

00alwaysbusymum · 28/12/2017 12:18

My oh is a bit like this but I think it's related to stress with work ... could that be it ?

Straycatblue · 28/12/2017 12:23

OP, you still havent said how long this has been a problem for ie is it a recent thing or has it being going on for months/years. Ie if if its been going on for years then it is less likely to be something simple

Or how long the two of you have been together , for example you've been married for two years but if you have been together 20 years then it might point to different problems.

Feels a bit invasive asking to be honest and dont want gory details but we only know what you have told us and for all we know its only been going on for a few weeks

ShowMePotatoSalad · 28/12/2017 12:26

He's put £4k into bitcoin?!?! Holy shit, I wouldn't be shagging either, or sleeping.

Graphista · 28/12/2017 12:31

At his age (I'm 45 so not implying ancient) there could be health factors. Also stress from the Bitcoin thing. You need to talk to him - but not "why aren't we having sex" but more "are you ok? Are you worried about anything?" Also yes libido can reduce in men as they get older, their sexual prime tends to be more in their 20's and then decreases - women's is more in their 30's)

NobodysChild · 28/12/2017 12:32

It sounds to me like he has depression. His interest in bitcoin is just that, and is a way of occupying his mind, rather than him focusing on the cause of his depression. To not want sex, is not him saying he finds you unattractive, he just doesn't see that it's a problem if you don't have it. I have bouts of depression. I too get out of bed all hours and spend time on my laptop. Then I will crash on the sofa, so as not to disturb my sleeping partner.

MissConductUS · 28/12/2017 12:34

DH is 46

Somewhere between 12 and 30% third of men 40 and over have low testosterone, depending on the study and the cutoff level used. That might not be the only thing going on with him but it's certainly a possible factor. It hit my DH when he was 48 and he went on HRT for it.

Testosterone deficiency prevalance

Low T has serious long term health risks, so the prudent thing to do is to test for it when there's an indication like low libido.

TheNaze73 · 28/12/2017 12:34

I would think there’s a problem.

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