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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a man doesn't start refusing sex unless something is up?

64 replies

SexTypeThing · 28/12/2017 09:27

DH doesn't seem to want to have sex with me anymore. We've only been married two years.

So his excuse on a night time is always that he's tired yet he insists on coming to bed at 12 - 1am. Is that really the actions of a tired person?? So we used to have sex in morning if I instigated but now he won't even do that! He's been off work all Christmas and hasn't come anywhere near me. I tried to instigate a couple of days ago and he got up and said he'd go make a cup of coffee. So yesterday I did the grown up thing of asking him if there is a problem and he said no. I told him I'm finding the lack of intimacy a problem and he said "don't be silly" ffs. So guess what happened last night? He came to bed at 1.30am and at some point very early in this morning he got up and went to sleep downstairs. And no I wasn't pestering him at the time, I was asleep and he woke me up leaving.

WTF is going on?? Yes I've asked him and he says nothing is wrong. I know he doesn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to but I never signed up for a life of celibacy. I'm only in my 30s ffs and he won't talk or admit that there is a problem. He has no problems getting an erection by the way, I only have to touch him there and it goes up yet he never wants to actually use it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SexTypeThing · 28/12/2017 10:21

Maybe he doesn't fancy me anymore which is fine, I'm beyond caring about that now. I'm not under or over weight and I look after myself so other than getting plastic surgery there isn't a lot I can do about that. He says he does fancy me yet he never so much as touches me unless I specifically ask him to. I shouldn't need to!!!

If he doesn't fancy me or doesn't want to be married to me anymore or is indeed shagging someone else (or wants to) then fine ... but for Christ sake tell me, you know? I'd rather be single then think of the rest of my days been like this.

OP posts:
Rainbowmother · 28/12/2017 10:23

Would you say that you know he's avoiding you and the issue and give examples?

Do you think he's still attracted to you - has anything changed in that regard?

My ex was taking a hair loss drug that kills sex drive.. just something else to think about

DistanceCall · 28/12/2017 10:26

Something's going on. It may be nothing sinister - stress, overwork, something on his mind - but it's completely unacceptable that when you told him that you were finding the lack of intimacy hard, he told you "don't be silly". That's dismissive of your feelings and needs.

Tell him you want to talk about this seriously. His response will tell you what you need to know.

MissConductUS · 28/12/2017 10:30

He should consult his doctor. It could be hypogonadism (low testosterone). It's way more common than most people think.

Hypogonadism

As PP pointed out, there are medications that can cause loss of libido too. Low libido isn't always correlated with erectile dysfunction.

His GP can do a simple blood test to check his T levels.

GwenStaceyRocks · 28/12/2017 10:32

How long has he been refusing sex? Because I assumed it was fairly recent but you're already talking about calling time on your marriage. Yy his refusal might be about you but it might be about him eg is he ill; stressed; depressed. All of those would keep him sitting up at night but disinterested in sex. You need to have a conversation but I wouldn't start from a place of accusation and attack.

Emmasmum2013 · 28/12/2017 10:33

How much bitcoin has he bought??

Straycatblue · 28/12/2017 10:35

It’s a phallacy that men are constantly wanting sex grin

I think you mean fallacy!

Haha I came on to say what a great freudian type slip but you beat me to it Ifailed ! GrinGrin

apologies OP this is of little help to you.

incywincybitofa · 28/12/2017 10:42

Is he worried about a sexual fantasy of yours or his?

The other thing is was he abused? Past experiences like that can stir things up even when you think it is all put away in it's box, something comes along as a reminder- and whilst you have the physical reaction of being able to be aroused it isn't what you want to face.

MsHarry · 28/12/2017 10:45

Has he got money worries? The bitcoin thing and getting up in the night could be checking the financial markets.

Straycatblue · 28/12/2017 10:46

Your post doesnt make it clear, when you said sex was frequent in the begining, do you mean the beginning of your relationship or the beginning or your marriage?

You havent said how long the problem being going on for? weeks ?months? years? Married for two years but how long have you been together?

There is something called the madonna/whore complex where men struggle to see women they are in committed relationships with as sexual beings. (prob best to google as my explanation is not very good!)

MsHarry · 28/12/2017 10:47

My DH invests in the stock market sometimes and will set an alarm to get up and check different markets as they open.

princesssparkle1 · 28/12/2017 10:51

Might he be so worried about finances ( he's lost money?) that he can't concentrate on anything else?

He's unlikely to admit to fucking up your joint money.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/12/2017 10:54

Have you checked your finances? If there isn't another woman involved, he may well be gambling far more than he actually has.

Do you ever go downstairs when he's up late, to see what's going on?

MissConductUS · 28/12/2017 11:01

Bitcoin had a big drop this month. Could he have bought at the top?

markets.businessinsider.com/currencies/news/bitcoin-price-clears-16000-2017-12-1012139912

ReanimatedSGB · 28/12/2017 11:09

Well, he's ignoring your distress, and that's a problem. It sounds like it might well be the bitcoin thing - if someone is very worried, they may well go off sex.
There's definitely a limit on how long he can reasonably expect you to put up and shut up, though. Unfortunately, some men will push this limit as far as they can (they want to keep their partners there, cooking and cleaning, and propping up the image of 'happily-married man'; they don't want the hassle of a separation) ie promising to change but actually doing nothing. How long has this been going on?

aintnothinbutagstring · 28/12/2017 11:10

I'd be more worried about him hiding something from you financially than the sex tbh!

aintnothinbutagstring · 28/12/2017 11:10

How long has he been into cryptocurrency?

Original poster
SexTypeThing · 28/12/2017 11:12

He bought £4000 worth. He's made a lot of money on that and practically doubled it but I'm wanting him to pull out of it now as it's looking unstable. He's refusing to pull the money out until it reaches £15600 value but I don't think it will, if anything the value is decreasing by the day and he won't admit it.

OP posts:
StickThatInYourPipe · 28/12/2017 11:19

The sneaking out of bed would have me suspicious. Was he on his phone? Could there possibly be someone else OP?

Don’t jump to conclusions on stuff like this. I regularly sneak out of bed in the middle of the night and go sleep on the sofa because I’m too hot and if I wake up I need some noise to go back to sleep. It’s not fair on dp to put the telly on at 3 so off to the sofa I go.

Puremince · 28/12/2017 11:25

Do you have children? After 2 years of marriage, we were getting a lot of people asking when we were going to have children - is someone (his mother?) possibly putting pressure on to provide a grandchild?

Original poster
SexTypeThing · 28/12/2017 11:27

We're passed the kids stage, he have two each from previous relationships who are now all adults

OP posts:
Graphista · 28/12/2017 11:38

If you have adult children then clearly you're both older too, could this be a factor? Does he have health concerns?

Maybe if he has found a lump or something he's trying to avoid you finding it and making him go to the dr? Men are terrible for head in sand approach to health concerns.

C0untDucku1a · 28/12/2017 11:53

Sounds like he needs a particular amount of money. Could he be in a secret debt?

Emmasmum2013 · 28/12/2017 12:00

It sounds like its definitely the bitcoin stressing him out
I'd have a frank discussion with him if I were you OP. Just to put your mind at ease.

InspMorse · 28/12/2017 12:03

The bitcoin thing/staying up late/getting up early - yes, sounds like he's obsessively watching the markets.

Likely all this has got nothing to do with sex.