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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you

61 replies

Appleandcinnamon · 27/12/2017 21:39

It’s now the 27th December and I’m still waiting for my niece to thank me for her Christmas present. My sister in law’s children have never said thank you and today this time (because of other things that side of the family have done over Christmas) I am apoplectic with rage. We stopped buying for my nephew once he turned 18 and apparently that’s a horrendous thing to do as he feels left out. I don’t expect a gushing thank you letter but a bloody text to say cheers is the very least. Both of mine have thanked my sil for their gifts.

I’ve got to see that part of the family tomorrow and I don’t actually think I can speak to them without flipping out about everything they have done over the last few days that’s pissed me off

OP posts:
NotCornflakes · 27/12/2017 21:42

YANBU to expect a thank you but it's only been TWO DAYS since Christmas. Perhaps your niece will say thank you tomorrow in person. Perhaps she's written a card and it's in the post. Be patient!
And thanks, as you've reminded me I need to thank my auntie!

Emilybrontescorsett · 27/12/2017 21:42

It is rude but I never got thank yous from my in-laws either.

Mumof56 · 27/12/2017 21:48

She might say thanks when she sees you tomorrow

Original poster
Appleandcinnamon · 27/12/2017 21:52

Just to confirm she won’t be there tomorrow. My children telephoned my sil to say thank you. These kids don’t even say thank you when you hand them presents physically. Cards for example they open expecting money to drop out but don’t look up to acknowledge you have given them your hard earned cash.

OP posts:
Redsippycup · 27/12/2017 21:53

It's rude. But. How old is she? Is she a self involved teenager? (An explanation rather than an excuse before I get jumped on)

Also, it's been 2 says Ffs - I still haven't finished all the dishes!

I had an aunt and uncle that, to my young teenage self, were obsessed with thank you letters.

The year that I opened my present WITH them, said a genuine thank you, and then a few days later got a pa message via DGM that if they didn't get a letter within x days they would 'never buy you a present again' still pisses me off 20 years later. And it permanently damaged my relationship with them tbh, as it didn't feel like they wanted to give gifts, but felt like they had to.

You shouldn't (imo) be giving to receive - either presents or gratitude - if however you don't want to give a gift then don't. It's not compulsory, despite what hallmark would have us believe.

lastqueenofscotland · 27/12/2017 21:53

Are you buying for your niece but not her brother? I think that's a bit wanky...

coffeeeandtv · 27/12/2017 21:55

I especially ordered personalised books for cousins children, queued up in the post office for 40 minutes so they would get them in plenty of time to read to their sons as they are specific Christmas stories, 2 days later I received a message teller by me I was tight and a cheapskate for re using an old A4 envelope (I can only get to the post office easily 1 day a week so I recycled an envelope from work.... erm think environmentally friendly) but paid for 1st class postage.... no thanks, just ridicule but hey as long as the boys like the books which I'm sure they will as they are gorgeous children, I suppose I'm just disappointed as I would have loved a photo of the boys reading them, (this cousin puts on average 20 pics a day on Facebook)

Idontevencareanymore · 27/12/2017 21:55

I'm not sure people thank anymore tbh.
My aunt got my children some cute pj's and I got her an afternoon tea voucher (she's mentioned several times she's keen on going) and I messaged her to say thank you, she's away hence the message and received nothing back, except hope you're enjoying the day!

So either she hates my gift or choice of venue or its just not the done thing anymore. Hoping for the latter tbh Grin

Original poster
Appleandcinnamon · 27/12/2017 21:56

Her brother is 20 she is 16. We stopped buying at 18. When would you expect to stop buying?

OP posts:
Original poster
Appleandcinnamon · 27/12/2017 21:59

I absolutely expect people to have manners and manners mean please and thank you so if I open the door for you or give you a gift I expect a thank you. I just expected a text especially as my much younger children telephoned their auntie to say thank you

Coffeeandtv that’s a great gift! Hope you get some pics

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 27/12/2017 22:00

Stopping buying at 18 is not normal in my family and those who have done have caused upset in the past. That is perhaps why your niece has not thanked you.

Tipsntoes · 27/12/2017 22:01

Wow, I'm really hot on thank you letters, but it's quite hard work getting them done. Are people really complaining that I DC haven't got them while we're still spending practically all day every day in the company of others?

They'll be in the post by the time we go back to school.

lastqueenofscotland · 27/12/2017 22:02

I think buying for one but not the other is a bit shit.... when we stoped in my family it was a mutual decision that we stopped buying for everyone.

PortlyWino · 27/12/2017 22:02

I can Imagine feeling,slightly miffed, but not apoplectic with rage. That's a bit overkill. Actually my teenage nephews haven't thanked me for their presents yet. I expect they will get round to it. It's only been 2days.

SandAndSea · 27/12/2017 22:03

I agree, she should thank you (if she values you). However, it is only 2 days and not worth getting hot-headed over.

Me and dp have really struggled to stay in touch with some of his relatives who never thanked us for things - literally, not one thank you. I think it tells you clearly what sort of relationship they want to have with you and it's one which doesn't work for me.

Original poster
Appleandcinnamon · 27/12/2017 22:05

What age is normal then to stop buying for other people’s children? Why would she not thank me because I haven’t got her brother something?

I am not expecting a thank you letter at all I am well aware that no teenager on earth sends thank you letters but a text or a quick thanks when my children phoned her mother Christmas Day. Or even a message from my sil to say thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Appleandcinnamon · 27/12/2017 22:07

lastqueenofscotland But what age? If you stop at 18 for each child then each person has received the exact same amount of presents there is a 19 year age gap between my youngest and her eldest. What if we just stopped and two siblings got an uneven amount of presents?

OP posts:
EB123 · 27/12/2017 22:08

I think a text would have been nice. It takes just a few seconds to do.

Original poster
Appleandcinnamon · 27/12/2017 22:08

PortlyWino This was the last in a long list of crap that has wound me up from them this month hence the overkill Xmas Angry

OP posts:
Tipsntoes · 27/12/2017 22:08

My teens will be sending thank you letters, just not yet!

If she hasn't thanked you because you didn't get her brother anything, it's probably because her mother has decided not to nag remind her until she does it this year, as she has in the past.

Weedsnseeds1 · 27/12/2017 22:08

My friend gave a cat treat Christmas stocking to my cat. I sent thanks with a photo of the cat enjoying his treats on boxing Day.
Obviously the cat couldn't operate WhatsApp on his own behalf.
Haven't had a thank you for her child's present. But then I never have. Cat is 3, child is 8.

teenagetantrums · 27/12/2017 22:09

18 is the cut off age in our family..all the kids know that...but sometimes aunts and uncles bung my kids some money, the don't expect it but always txt thank you once they get it.

SkyIsTooHigh · 27/12/2017 22:10

Two days?? FFS. Maybe they are doing proper thank you letters even if your children don't.

BackforGood · 27/12/2017 22:10

YABU in your fury.
YABU to be apopleptic.
However, YANBU to expect a thank you at some point. If you are seeing them tomorrow then that's sort of when I'd expect it. Unless possibly they are till of an age where they will be writing letters in which case it might be a bit longer - it is entirely possible they had other stuff to do on Boxing Day.

Are you buying for your niece but not her brother? I think that's a bit wanky..
and
I think buying for one but not the other is a bit shit.... when we stoped in my family it was a mutual decision that we stopped buying for everyone

We talked about this in our family, and all the teens agreed it was best to stop when they got to a set age (21 in our family but 18 equally fine), as that way, everyone gets the same number of years of presents from you. Incredibly unfair to give to your eldest dn for 18 years but your younger dn for only 14years (or whatever age they are when you arbitrarily decide to stop giving).

Baubletrouble43 · 27/12/2017 22:12

Chill out! Some people take longer than others to get round to things. You sound hard work.