To be feeling like a broodmare

[maritimebear]

I am due my first child in mid February. The pregnancy was unplanned. I was initially fairly neutral about it but in the early stages I was so horrendously ill I wanted to end the pregnancy. Dh was devastated when I said that and so I agreed to continue.

However, I just have never felt good about it. No real feelings of excitement or sense of a new life approaching. I’m dreading the birth, and really not looking forward to anything about being a mum.

Anyway, I have now finished work and am struggling. But what I’m really struggling with is that no one ever talks to me about things that aren’t to do with pregnancy, birth (I do NOT want to know) babies or parenting. And dh is in this category. And it sounds stupid but it’s as if he’s taken over, he has ‘decided’ our children’s names and he has decided how best to raise them, what our family looks like.

We are going away Friday and I just know I’m going to be stuck in a car with him going on about babies.

I sound awful.

Is this my life now?

First thing I'd be doing in your shoes is seeking medical help for the spiral of depression you're in. You're so totally disassociating with the pregnancy that you're a high risk candidate for PND. That's probably not what you want to hear, but it's the truth.

Please talk to your GP about how you are feeling. This is a massive risk factor for PND, if you don’t already meet the criteria for antenatal depression.

I agree with this ^^^

However it sounds like you have ante natal depression which I had with my second DC. However I did seek help months before I gave birth. I maybe wrong, but it sounds like you need to chat to someone about your feelings.

Make a doctors or midwife appointment and see if you can be referred to a consultant that deals in this area.

I got so bad they decided to induce me at 38 weeks. For no other reason apart from my mental health.

Sending lots of love. Xxxxxxx

Thanks. I did speak to my G.P. a few months ago but th pills they gave me weren’t helpful and I feel a bit weird about taking anything in pregnancy.

Firstly tell him that you want to talk about other things. That’s perfectly reasonable. As long as practical preparations are being organised you are, on that level, sorted. By 34 weeks you should have your bag packed and have most essentials sorted.

The previous posters are correct that you do sound depressed and this is amazingly common but very widely under reported. Please, please do discuss this with your midwife, GP and/ or health visitor. They can really help and possibly offer additional support.

Fear of the birth is normal but knowledge is massively helpful. If you can’t bring yourself to read or attend classes than maybe ask for an additional midwife appointment to go through the basics.

As a former long term midwife I do urge you to ask for help. It exists and I can’t bear to think of you suffering in silence. Also, now you have some free time, do some nice things for you. Swim, read, visits a gallery and catch up with friends. Go to the cinema in the afternoon. Relax.

Best wishes.

They wouldn't give you anything in pregnancy that wasn't safe. Pills can take a few weeks before you notice any difference. If I was you I would give them another go.

I felt like that. I didn't get help. It got better after DS was born but don't wait. Look after yourself. There's a lot more fun and joy to come in your life and a lot more to you than a mother-to-be. But the mothering bit is more fun than you think too!

I’ve been trying to but I get no enjoyment from any of it. It’s hard to explain. I feel like I get brushed off when I mention I am scared of the birth and have tried toread stuff but there are awful stories.

I remember reading up on the labour and having to do it in stages I was that scared and people do talk to you about children all the time. It took me a long time to decide to have children and I was a bit meh. My husband wanted it more. However as soon as my son was born I just fell in love. I’ve had twins also. I’ve made loads of new friends and we have such a laugh as a family. Your life does change but it doesn’t have to be negative.

Hope not. I’m struggling to see any positives, though!

Go back to your dr, and talk to your midwife more seriously about being depressed. There are specialist teams involved in maternal mental health. You should be able to find a midwife who can give you some patient gentle one to one support, if they understand how you are feeling.

It may take you a while to bond with your baby. That is normal for many women who don't have depression (but can also be related to depression).

I was very aware of the downsides of having a baby, and was pleasantly surprised that there were upsides too.

Please get support, you deserve better than this x x

I've had five babies and I still can't watch birth videos or read other people's detailed birth stories! Birth is scary beforehand, but do try to remember that there is a plan for every eventuality. It might not be perfect, but usually it all works out in the end. I found it helped to read up on the different stages, so I knew what was happening and in what order, but I didn't read many birth stories (other people's experiences aren't always that helpful anyway because every labour is different and every woman has different circumstances).
If you don't want to take medication then that's your right, but please do speak to your midwife. There may be someone you can talk it through with who can support you and help you to work through it.
If you are looking for a book of positive birth stories, try Stand And deliver by Emma Mahony. It has absolutely none of the awful horror stories that some people like to tell pregnant women and is overall quite uplifting and empowering.

And don't allow yourself to be sucked into ideals of what a mother and motherhood should be like. Good enough is good enough. Not everyone finds babies and toddlers easy, though they then get more interesting (independent). Don't feel you are inadequate because you are not glowing.

DD was a failing to thrive baby. She was like one of those nightmare pretend babies that teenage girls are sometimes given to look after for a week, refusing to feed and crying for hour on end. It took a full year before I was able to look at her and know I loved her.

Ante-natal depression definitely exists, and you sound as though you are at risk of it.

But I also wonder how much of the problem might be your H. Mental health issues in women are not always 'illness' but sometimes a rational response to living with an abusive man. From your OP he put pressure on you to continue the pregnancy and now won't allow any subject of conversation other than your future children (so, despite your physical discomfort and your fear, he's reminding you over and over again that this is not going to be 'over' once you have had this baby, but you will be expected to repeat the performance as many times as he decides is necessary.)

Have a think about how things were before you got PG. Was he generally a good partner: was he kind, did he pull his weight domestically, did he support and encourage you? It's possible that you are suffering from depression and he is a decent partner who's possibly being a bit thoughtless but not actively trying to put you down or override your wishes - but maybe is an unreasonable man who considers you an incubator rather than a person.

I really recommend reading some Ina May Gaskin. I found it very reassuring. Listening to hypnobirthing CDs also helped. It is really common and annoying that people don’t talk to you about anything else except the baby and I think as common to be annoyed by it!

And it sounds stupid but it’s as if he’s taken over, he has ‘decided’ our children’s names and he has decided how best to raise them, what our family looks like.

It doesn't sound stupid. He doesn't get to make those decisions alone. I can see why you are feeling like a brood mare! Make it clear to him that this is your baby as well.

And if he only talks about the baby, tell him when you've had enough and that you need a break from the baby talk.

I had serious anxiety in first pregnancy and was put in touch with perinatal mental health at 25 weeks, who were amazing and really helped me. I had some talking therapy and was put on sertraline. Then in second pregnancy I had HG and developed pretty bad antenatal depression. For some reason found that harder to admit to and deal with and had to have my arse kicked into seeing GP by DH but talking to him really helped and he was much more considerate of my feelings and low mood once I had. Once again saw PMH who were great and got me through it. I have no doubt that had I not sought help I would have had postnatal depression. I didn’t though and I actually loved (and still love) life with young kids despite not being a children person.

So first step, chat with DH about how you’re feeling. Second step, book in with GP. You can go for an emergency appointment, it’s a legitimate emergency.

There is some wonderful advice on here. Please use it. You should not suffer. Maybe because everyone keeps talking about pregnancy and babies you have not had the opportunity to think and feel for yourself.

There are some awful stories out there OP, but chances are your story will be just fine. Do you have a practical guide to childbirth, as opposed to other people's stories? Knowing what is likely to happen, when and how will empower you to understand the process your body will go through. This knowledge will be helpful to you, while other people's stories really won't, because every woman, every birth and every DC are different. I had two books in my first pregnancy, one was 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' and the other was Dr Sears' 'The Birth Book'. I found them both helpful and practical and you can skip over the bits about other people's births if you want to.

As for conversation, please just ask people to change the subject - you're going to have a baby but that doesn't mean that that's all you want to talk about. Bring up other subjects. Tell people you'd like to discuss the news, the most recent book you've read, ask them about what they've been doing, etc. I don't blame you for feeling fed up is all people want to talk about is pregnancy and birth - boring!

And finally, please tell both your GP and your MW that you are struggling mentally and feeling completely alienated at the moment. What you're experiencing is normal and they can help you, but you need to take a deep breath and be honest about how you're feeling

I have also had five babies and remember being scared about the labour and birth, mostly because it was something I was unable to control. The final baby was the only one I actually felt like I had some sort of bond with before birth and I used some visualisation and relaxation techniques during labour which I had previously scoffed at. It really helped. Giving birth cannot be as scary or out-of-control as I imagined or there would be no way I could go through 5 pregnancies and births. I was also distinctly lacking in any maternal ambitions but uttely love my kids and other people's kids now!

Reanimated I’ve told him I don’t think I want any more and he whines on about how it’s unfair for him/her to be an only I’m just fed up of hearing about it all to be honest. I never used to know what people meant about losing your identity but I have.

I don’t find my midwife very helpful to be honest - don’t feel I could open up to her. Truth is I don’t want to be pregnant, I don’t want this baby. Too late I know but I don’t. I had a window where I could have done something about it and I didn’t.

It’s fine to not take to your midwife. It happens. Please go back to your gp or whichever gp in your practice is the most sympathetic and discuss in detail. Try more meds. They are safe. Being depressed is not safe.

And ask for a referral to the perinatal MH MW. She would have way more knowledge and resources than your normal mw.

I know it seems pointless and as if there is nothing to be done but that is the depression talking. You can and will get better.x

OP it sounds as though your DP is very good at making you feel guilty and perhaps that's why you've gone trough with this? No wonder you feel exploited.

I am 36 weeks with my 2nd and tbh this was not planned and came at a difficult time for me but having been though it once before I am less freaked out and I know that I will love this baby because of how much I love my 1st.

It's only a small thing but maybe start thinking of all the nice things about babies, have a shopping trip for baby clothes and your hospital case. Treat yourself to new bedclothes and some luxurious bath time and focus on a regular self care regime and time alone to connect with your baby.

You will find when the baby comes that you become much stronger. Many women do and this can be the making of them. Your self identity does change and yes it can be very hard just as everyone says it is, but your priorities will also change. Just don't let your DP take over too much when baby comes along, this is your baby and you will love them in ways you can't imagine right now.

OK, do you have friends/family other than your H you can talk to? Or do you live somewhere that's... not very good at accepting women are more than Wives&Mothers? Do you get to socialise with anyone other than your H? Do you get time to yourself (to read a book, wander round the shops, go for a swim or whatever you like to do?)

I think you've had some fab advice on here, please do try and mention to your mw or GP and ask for more specialist help. It's not uncommon, as you can see from other posters.

I also think that what you've said about your DH is a little worrying. You are both going to be parents, both have equal and valid points of view on how to raise a child and he has no place taking it over. Is he like this in other areas, or is it just excitement? Can you talk to your mum or a good friend? I was terrified of giving birth, and it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I'd built it up to be - I went on to have 4 so it can't have been bad and I don't do pain! Best of luck.