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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be feeling like a broodmare

100 replies

maritimebear · 27/12/2017 11:51

I am due my first child in mid February. The pregnancy was unplanned. I was initially fairly neutral about it but in the early stages I was so horrendously ill I wanted to end the pregnancy. Dh was devastated when I said that and so I agreed to continue.

However, I just have never felt good about it. No real feelings of excitement or sense of a new life approaching. I’m dreading the birth, and really not looking forward to anything about being a mum.

Anyway, I have now finished work and am struggling. But what I’m really struggling with is that no one ever talks to me about things that aren’t to do with pregnancy, birth (I do NOT want to know) babies or parenting. And dh is in this category. And it sounds stupid but it’s as if he’s taken over, he has ‘decided’ our children’s names and he has decided how best to raise them, what our family looks like.

We are going away Friday and I just know I’m going to be stuck in a car with him going on about babies.

I sound awful.

Is this my life now?

OP posts:
froshiechipandbrickie · 27/12/2017 14:14

I mean that it’s perfectly fine to be fed up with the talks about ‘support networks’. There’s nothing horrible about that.

(But having one is still useful, tbh...)

Anyhow, it really does sound like your OH is the main problem. He sounds genuinely manipulative. Has he always been like this?

LemonShark · 27/12/2017 14:16

"Reanimated I’ve told him I don’t think I want any more and he whines on about how it’s unfair for him/her to be an only hmm I’m just fed up of hearing about it all to be honest"

Um, where is your thoughts and wishes in all of this op? You wanted an abortion and he didn't so you're having a baby you didn't initially want. Now before the baby is even here he's pressuring you to have more? What the fuck? It's your body that goes through the toll of pregnancy and birth, not his. It seems like his attitude is what's leaving you feeling like a broodmare, just a vessel for his children to entire the world through. With no care for your own wishes and plans and feelings. No wonder you feel how you do. How was the relationship before you got pregnant?

LemonShark · 27/12/2017 14:17

Ps it was unplanned; mind me asking what happened? What contraception were you using? Don't mean to stir drama but he sounds like the sort of guy to poke holes in condoms. You're worth so much more than just a conduit for a baby OP.

Original poster
maritimebear · 27/12/2017 14:19

No, we were using withdrawal, and he did not withdraw. It didn’t seem like the end of the world then.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 27/12/2017 14:28

In the kindest possible way, maritime, if you don't want to be pregnant again, use a proper method of contraception after this baby. Withdrawal is NOT reliable (as you now know).

There's nothing wrong with having an only child. I didnt particularly enjoy being pregnant, and i found babies a bit dull frankly. I loved her, no doubt about that, but she was just....well, dull. SHe's 15 and pretty good company now, so it does get better.

LemonShark · 27/12/2017 14:28

😳😳😳

I know withdrawal isn't exactly a safe method and not everyone manages to do it properly all the time and that you obviously knew there's a risk of pregnancy with it but... you had unprotected sex under the agreement he wouldn't ejaculate in you. And he did. That's so messed up. You couldn't access the morning after pill?

Sorry but his comments I mentioned above and this new info about how you got pregnant don't paint him in a good light to be a man who has your interests at heart.

csigeek · 27/12/2017 14:30

There are more awful stories out there than good, people only tell the gory ones. Birth isn't a walk in the park for most but it's not as bad as you will be expecting and you will forget (eventually) the minute details of it even if it was horrendous.
It's not uncommon to feel this way but as others have said if you don't talk about this with your GP, Midwife and Health Visitor you will only do yourself damage. Please please talk to someone, anyone or everyone.

People will only want to talk about baby related stuff, just tell them you need to take your mind off it for now as it consuming you. Please can they talk about what's going on with them, tv, food anything else.

I'm not going to say the old "when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time...blah" as it's not always true but you may find you feel differently once baby is here.

Look after yourself xx

froshiechipandbrickie · 27/12/2017 14:34

If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?

Did you have access to the morning after pill? If yes, didn’t you realise that he had ejaculated and he didn’t think it was necessary to tell you or did you just not think of taking it?

Original poster
maritimebear · 27/12/2017 14:36

Yes, I realised he ejaculated! But like I say it didn’t feel like the worst thing in the world that could happen, at that point. Now, it does.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 27/12/2017 14:39

I have 3. I'm not a pregancy fan. Birth is something to get through and frankly babies are boring and tedious and sleep nazi's BUT when they start reacting to you and you get past first year then for me life becomes so much more fun and love grows.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/12/2017 14:44

The more you post, the more I think your problem may be this man. Whose idea was it to move somewhere you don't have any friends/family? Whose idea was it to use withdrawal as contraception? There are men who like to keep their female partners isolated, stuck at home and having lots of children (so the woman can't work or socialise very much) - these men rarely do much in the way of looking after the children or contributing to their share of the housework.
When you say you have stopped work, does that mean you are on maternity leave, or you have been 'persuaded' to give up working altogether?

LemonShark · 27/12/2017 14:45

Do you mean a baby didn't seem like the worst thing at that point, or the risk of pregnancy didn't? (Because it seemed so unlikely)

Original poster
maritimebear · 27/12/2017 14:46

It’s an ongoing thing reanimated I want to go back, he thinks I shouldn’t. We were travelling for a bit and then when we came back he got a job before me so we went there. It’s been hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
maritimebear · 27/12/2017 14:46

The former lemon

OP posts:
GoReylo · 27/12/2017 14:58

Once you've had this baby, sort out your birth control. Something like the year long contraceptive injection would be a good idea.

LemonShark · 27/12/2017 15:03

Ah I see. I feel a little better knowing you knew he'd not pulled out and actively decided not to take the morning after pill. I guess you never think it'll happen to you and if never feels as real as when it's actually happened.

Clandestino · 27/12/2017 15:09

Sort out your birth control. The withdrawal method is like a Russian roulette. An accident waiting to happen.

Carouselfish · 27/12/2017 15:17

There's always the option for you to return to work and for him to be the primary carer of the child at home if that idea appeals to you both.
The way you say he has 'decided' some things sounds as though he has taken some of the pleasure out of it for you which means, if you turn it around, that you think there is some pleasure to be had from the experience iyswim.
The thing about it is, pregnancy and birth are not permanent situations. You will get through them. Even having a child is a constantly changing thing. It doesn't get boring. And then they eventually move out of home. All is temporary.
I didn't feel real love for my DD for quite a few months. I was just on auto-pilot. Now she's 2 and real person and her OWN person and I do love the lunatic. I also enjoy time away from being a mum and am starting to remember how to be just me.
You'll be okay, OP.

TheDisillusionedAnarchist · 27/12/2017 15:34

I felt like you in my previous pregnancy. It was very, very planned (our previous child died) but in hindsight probably just much too close.

I had thoughts of termination right up until 24 weeks and then when it was 'too late'. I made plans to leave DH with the baby and walk out of the hospital to begin a new life. I saw the perinatal mental health team throughout the pregnancy but declined medication. I had very little insight then into the fact I had severe AN depression. I thought I was perfectly rational.

My son was born and it was an easy birth. I didn't have great bolts of love or a high (I had with my first) I was momentarily disappointed he was a boy (our first was a girl) and then felt sorry for him so looked after him, held him skin to skin, fed him. Perhaps unsurprisingly I developed PND.

No amount of counselling helped but sertraline has worked miracles. He's one now. I look forward to waking up and seeing him. I think I am more of a toddler person anyhow but also I am finally getting well. I finally see the upsides of having a child. Like you I don't have a support network, few friends, not that helpful family.

In hindsight, I would have benefited from medication in the pregnancy. I had concerns about the side effects but depression has such a negative impact that I think I would take in a future pregnancy if needed.

It sounds like you have AN depression. I hope you have an easy birth and the bolts of love everyone talks about but I would consider asking for support now, because AN depression is a big risk factor for PND and for me I have regrets now that my pregnancy and the early months of my son's life are just a blur of misery.

Original poster
maritimebear · 27/12/2017 15:36

We couldn’t afford for him to be the primary carer.

Anyway it is done now I suppose.

OP posts:
annandale · 27/12/2017 16:50

I signed up for an economics class after ds was born in order to talk about other things. Didn't work out but I went to a language class, some exercise stuff, and book club with ds in a car seat. Met lots of nice people who were also parents.

I've had jobs that are quite dull but I was interested because it was my job. Kids are like that. You do the job and some of it is interesting because they're yours. Love? Yes that came as well but quite a long time afterwards.

You will still be yourself. I found being away from work hard, I enjoyed going back and then changing careers. I have an only. All these things are OK because I have a genuinely loving and supportive partner, and because I'm not depressed - now.

Please talk to your GP. The depression wants to suck out your life and make it not worth living. Doesn't have to feel that way.

Original poster
maritimebear · 27/12/2017 16:51

I think he tries to be supportive but misses the point a bit.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 27/12/2017 16:58

time for a frank talk with your husband. If he regards you as a partner rather than just a breeder then he should be very upset to hear how you are feeling, and keen to help.

and of course he will be pulling his weight once the baby arrives, working or not.

I hope he will step up and that this child will be loved and wanted. And please, real contraception in future.

Original poster
maritimebear · 27/12/2017 17:51

Yes, I know. I don’t like hormonal stuff though and he doesn’t like condoms.

OP posts:
EnglishRose13 · 27/12/2017 17:58

I didn’t feel any attachment to my unborn child. I was horrendously ill at the beginning and it made it difficult to bond.

I had no interest in discussing him and I got annoyed that other people were excited about him coming but I wasn’t.

I felt I had no one to talk to. My husband didn’t understand and I was worried other people would think I’m crazy.

He’s here now and I’m crazy about him. I didn’t feel a rush of love as soon as he was born, but it grew over the first few hours.

I hope things are the same for you, OP. It’s a really difficult time but don’t feel like you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. I bet it’s more common than we realise but no one talks about it!