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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be feeling like a broodmare

100 replies

maritimebear · 27/12/2017 11:51

I am due my first child in mid February. The pregnancy was unplanned. I was initially fairly neutral about it but in the early stages I was so horrendously ill I wanted to end the pregnancy. Dh was devastated when I said that and so I agreed to continue.

However, I just have never felt good about it. No real feelings of excitement or sense of a new life approaching. I’m dreading the birth, and really not looking forward to anything about being a mum.

Anyway, I have now finished work and am struggling. But what I’m really struggling with is that no one ever talks to me about things that aren’t to do with pregnancy, birth (I do NOT want to know) babies or parenting. And dh is in this category. And it sounds stupid but it’s as if he’s taken over, he has ‘decided’ our children’s names and he has decided how best to raise them, what our family looks like.

We are going away Friday and I just know I’m going to be stuck in a car with him going on about babies.

I sound awful.

Is this my life now?

OP posts:

specialsubject · 27/12/2017 19:51

Unfortunately it is one of the two if you want sex without risk of babies, assuming neither of you want to be sterilised.

I really hope things work out for you.

annandale · 27/12/2017 19:58

Diaphragm? Coil?

OuchLegoHurts · 27/12/2017 19:59

I really think you need to try to stop wondering and worrying about what will happen when the baby arrives - you're really upsetting yourself. Can you try to just go with the flow and see what happens? Chances are you'll feel differently after a while when you get used to the baby being around. I was totally freaked out by my twins...actually wished I could give them back for a couple of days...but then I got used to them being there and it turned into good fun (with the odd shit day!) Now they're 10 and the absolute joy in my life. Just try not to overthink. Things don't have to be perfect and "exciting" for them to be good in the long run.

wictional · 27/12/2017 20:51

“He doesn’t like condoms” is a shit excuse. If he had any respect for your wishes, he would wear one, and he would be understanding of you not wanting another child. There is also a word for men who ejaculate inside you when you’ve said no.

Alarm bells are definitely ringing, OP.

Original poster

maritimebear · 27/12/2017 21:29

I can’t bear the idea of a coil and diaphragms seem rather ... unsexy?

I have been thinking of getting sterilised. I sm sure I don’t want to go through pregnancy again and I will have had one.

OP posts:

OuchLegoHurts · 27/12/2017 21:53

I think it's time to grow up with regards to contraception. We're all in the same boat...nothing is perfect...but you've suffered the consequences of not bothering. So sort it out for your own sake.

RavingRoo · 27/12/2017 21:58

I think you were forced to get pregnant (what you described is rape) and forced to have this baby. If you truly don’t want it, there are alternatives. But before you explore these, would suggest you seek professional advice.

Original poster

maritimebear · 27/12/2017 22:03

No it wasn’t rape! He just got carried away and forgot to withdraw.

OP posts:

RavingRoo · 27/12/2017 22:04

You told him to withdraw and he didn’t. This is exactly how the police would classify rape if he had given you HIV.

Original poster

maritimebear · 27/12/2017 22:11

But he didn’t. I suppose we will have to see how things are when the baby arrives.

OP posts:

RavingRoo · 27/12/2017 22:12

What are you doing to get help though? Sounds like you need professional advice (and out of this controlling relationship).

FartnissEverbeans · 27/12/2017 22:13

I got pregnant with withdrawal method too! Snap

I cried when I found out, and the thought of it all made me feel quite sick (on top of the normal sickness which was fucking grim). I didn't buy anything for the baby until the last minute and even on the day I went into labour at 37 weeks I hadn't packed my bag.

I didn't bond with the baby in utero - it just all felt very abstract. Even when he was born I was a bit detached.

Now, he is the absolute light of my life. I can't help but resort to cliches when I describe him. Motherhood is so much more terrifying and painful and wonderful and hopeful than I had ever thought it would be - I love being DS's mum. It is the best thing I have ever done and the thought that he almost didn't exist is horrible.

I'm a pessimist by nature and I've always found low expectations were to my advantage My friends who thought parenthood would be all sunshine and laughter found the early weeks really difficult, but I was incredibly happy about it being much less shitty than I'd expected!

Good luck OP. Try not to worry about bonding - it'll come.

Original poster

maritimebear · 27/12/2017 22:26

Relationship is okay. I don’t want out of it. It’s bad enough being married and pregnant, never mind single and pregnant! I hope everyone is right about the bonding but honestly I just feel numb.

OP posts:

breadmaker · 27/12/2017 22:40

Seeking help, taking tablets, finding friends ........doing any of these things isn't going to change you or turn you into a cosy cuddly oogly coo mum type. But they might just enable you to think more rationally than you are now. I'm guessing that your DP is just trying his hardest to get you to look at what he sees are the positives.

LastMangoInPeckham · 27/12/2017 22:57

Just worth saying, you might not get the 'gush of love' when baby arrives. I didn't, and I felt terribly guilty that I just didn't feel any connection. I had no inclination to hold the baby and was very much just going through the motions.

I went to mother and baby groups and felt like a fraud, a complete fish out of water.

But over the weeks, perhaps months, things shifted. I began to fall in love with my baby, I was no longer faking my smiles or coos and I started to realise that there were other women like me out there. Women that wanted to talk about things other than their babies and be defined by things other than the status of motherhood.

I only wish I had been a little kinder to myself and not put myself under pressure to feel a certain way.

Please follow the advice of PPs and seek out help, but also be kind to yourself and try not to judge yourself for feeling how you do right now.

All the best xxxx

haveacupofteaandamincepie · 27/12/2017 23:54

It'll be alright. I had times when I was pregnant that I felt like I didn't matter anymore, all that mattered was the baby but I think my hormones were a bit mad upon reflection and all the appointments and things were getting to me. Even now when people ring me and say 'is that DS's mum' I'm really taken aback. I'm haveacupoftea and I just happen to have a DS I don't base my entire identity around being his mum anyway I love him more than anything but I'm not sure I could go through it all again so I'm getting the copper coil (no hormones) put in.

As for the birth, if you're really afraid you have the right to a c section. You couldn't pay me to have a natural birth to be honest. I wasn't interested in a wonderful natural birth experience I just wanted the baby out quickly, safely and painlessly. I did try for a natural birth first (because they made me) but when it wasn't happening I got a section in the end.

People waffle a load of shit about pregnancy and the magic of motherhood and how fabulous it is and how we must do everything naturally and breast feed and carry the baby etc etc. Bollocks.

Ikanon · 27/12/2017 23:59

This does sound a lot like prenatal depression and there's some great advice already been given. Drs are super vigilant about prescribing in pregnancy so if a doctor has prescribed you something it's likely to be because it's safer (physically or mentally) than not taking it.

Building up a support network post birth (No BUT does not suit everyone) may help you through what is to come. Very best of luck

Chchchchangeabout · 28/12/2017 00:05

I totally felt like this when I was pregnant. It wasn't depression at all. I just wasn't naturally into the whole baby thing. Had kids and fully jumped in to being a parent. Waiting for a baby to arrive and becoming a parent is some weird shit. I think it's not surprising that some people will feel a bit odd about it, and wanted to be treated like themselves not a brood mate for a while to be honest.

Ikanon · 28/12/2017 00:06

No NCT that should say.

Also the love didn't come straight away with DD1. Didn't feed her for the first 6 hours. Utterly exhausted and emotionless.

She smiled for the first time weeks later and that's when the love came so dont worry if it isn't instantaneous. My hormones were shot to pieces and I think I had prenatal depression (was much better postnatally but not immediately) so when you start feeling like you again make the most of it. Acknowledge it, celebrate it, do it. But don't put pressure on yourself to feel it straight away.

Original poster

maritimebear · 28/12/2017 11:20

I hope it does come.

But is there a chance it might not?

I do think I have to face up to this possibility.

OP posts:

GummyGoddess · 28/12/2017 12:58

I would say the chance of not loving your child is remote but is a possibility. However for the first 2-3/4 months of my DC's life I felt I'd made an awful mistake. I hated being alone with him, everyone I knew was at work and I had no friends with children. I did feel protective of him though which was something.

I was put on Sertraline by the GP when I realised that I was trying to work out how not to exist anymore and wondering how to leave my DC at the hospital and disappear. Now I absolutely adore him, I love him more than anything or anyone else in the whole universe. It's really hard to be a parent but it has also been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Do not worry if you don't feel the love everyone talks about straight away, or even for months in my case.

You do not have to have anymore children if you don't want to. You can be sterilised or you can terminate any future pregnancy if this happens again. I would suggest not having sex with your DH until a reliable method of contraception is put in place. Do not let him bully you into more children, it would not be fair on you or them.

Hoppinggreen · 28/12/2017 13:07

maritime I felt similar to you and after my baby was born I felt the same, no love just a sense of fear and obligation.
I decided that although I had fucked up monumentally by having a baby it was NOT her fault and I owed it to her to be a good Mum even if I was dead inside ( looking back probably pnd) so I just pretended I loved her and acted accordingly until gradually after about 6 months I realised that the feelings I was faking had become real.
She’s now 13 and I bloody adore her, I also have a 9 year old boy who I loved from day one.
Your feelings are legitimate and you have every right to them, you may love your baby when you meet it or you may not but it will work out ok in the end
Also, your OH sounds bloody annoying which isn’t helping

Original poster

maritimebear · 28/12/2017 13:33

He is REALLY annoying me

OP posts:

DrMumMum · 28/12/2017 13:51

I could have written your post OP. I was utterly miserable during my pregnancy. To the extent that I broke down during my 20 week scan for reasons that I won't go into here for fear of offending anyone.

I had hyperemesis gravidarum, felt zero attachment to my unborn child and just wanted to die at one point.

I started escitalopram (different to citalopram) in the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy and it was a game changer. I still didn't feel any love for the developing child but I did find I was able to cope better with the negative feelings.

Fast forward to just after the birth and I was absolutely, 100% better. I worried about PND but it didn't happen. I just carried on taking my pills.

Self care is hugely important. Here's a hand hold for you. Please see if you can get back on your medication. I wasn't allowed to breast feed on mine but hey, my baby was fed and happy and I was able to be a much better mum because of them.

Thinking of you. Look after yourself and the rest will follow.

Hazandduck · 28/12/2017 15:10

Oh @maritimebear I felt like I lost my identity a little the first week after having my DD, you just feel like you exist solely for this little person in a way that unfortunately your husband never will; after all they did not have to physically change or sacrifice anything whereas we as women do. It’s an isolating feeling, but please know you are not alone at all!
Do you think your DH maybe picks up that you aren’t feeling attached and tries to talk to you about the baby and suggest names to get you talking? I’m so sorry you feel this way. I really hope you get the support you need.
Every birth story is different. I didn’t do any classes and went in blind because I am such an anxious person I found it less worrying to just not think about it. This won’t work for everyone but it stopped me worrying about the birth. Don’t feel like you have to read everything to be a perfect mum or anything like that. Your body will know what to do and you will have wise midwives and medical professionals at hand to tell you what to do and help.
xx

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