Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.... Wedding and inlaws

68 replies

Renaissance18 · 27/12/2017 00:57

Merry Christmas! Xmas Wink

Will try and keep it brief, getting married this year and generously both sets of parents have contributed an amount of money... Or so I thought. Luckily we had not actually factored the contributions into the budgeting as I've seen a few friends have this happen.

Turns out DPs parents have reviewed the amount and can no longer contribute due to some home improvements and a long haul holiday. All organised after we set a date Hmm

My AIBU is this, I feel that we shouldn't accept the contribution from my (single) mother. I am sure she would love to go on a luxury holiday etc but has instead chosen to support us.

DP thinks I'm being ridiculous to turn it down and MiL thinks I'm being spiteful. I do understand that I am somewhat emotionally biased with this but I feel that it is vastly unfair that my mum who is by herself and retired is contributing vs my inlaws who both work and have decided to put personal want over their son.

Am I being daft?!

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 27/12/2017 00:58

How does mil know and why does she think it’s spiteful?

ButteredScone · 27/12/2017 00:59

You are being manipulative. You are using your mum's contribution as emotional blackmail.

I completely understand your point but YABU. You mum can spend her money how she chooses and so can your in laws.

GreenTulips · 27/12/2017 01:00

No! Tell your DH that the two of you will find the wedding and you won't be accepting your mothers kowny.

PIL don't have to contribute, and neither does your mum.

Travis1 · 27/12/2017 01:00

Yanbu. I’d do it without contributions from anyone but mainly to stop people butting in.

Original poster
Renaissance18 · 27/12/2017 01:08

Thank you ☺️ It came up over dinner this evening. I wasn't surprised and not relying on it either but I was shocked with how MiL turned when I said we shouldn't take my mums money.

I 100% agree that we should all be entitled to spend our money on what we want, I just think that it's unfair.

I am v close to and supportive of my mum which I think MiL struggles to understand

OP posts:
ButteredScone · 27/12/2017 01:12

Ok, I think you are in danger of making it really political if you start relating it to you/DM relationship.

Your PIL aren't going to give you all the cash for the wedding. That's ok. They are contributing a bit though?

Gemini69 · 27/12/2017 01:13

Please... do not take your Mums money.. if your In-Laws aren't contributing then your Mum equally doesn't contribute... it's interesting that your DP and your future In-Laws are very keen to take your Mums money toward the Wedding .. without adding their own.... Xmas Hmm

If your Mum insists on giving you the money... then you take the money and keep it separate from joint money ... and return it in the future when she might need it... Flowers

Sn0tnose · 27/12/2017 01:15

I feel that it is vastly unfair that my mum who is by herself and retired is contributing Completely understandable why you wouldn't want your mum to be the only person helping to finance your wedding. Not daft at all.

my inlaws who both work and have decided to put personal want over their son It's this little bit here that makes you sound unreasonable.

Lollipop30 · 27/12/2017 01:19

She’s offered why would you not accept? I don’t get your thinking tbh, it just seems to be out of principle? My parents pulled a fast one like your in laws but that didn’t mean we then turned down his parents offer, I don’t really see how they’re in any way related to what the other does.

KarmaStar · 27/12/2017 01:22

Hi OP
Congratulations on your future weddingFlowers
Sit down with your mum and explain all this as you have here.
She can decide if and how much she wants to donate.
Refusing the money if she wants to help out would be hurtful,but if you really feel uncomfortable then say you are on budget and suggest a per cent age of her original sum.
That way you will both be happier.
As for your pil,well,let's not go there.
Have a lovely day 🌻🌻

Lollipop30 · 27/12/2017 01:22

Also fwiw we have an amount put away for each of our children that they could use when it comes to it, this is completely unrelated to anything any future in laws may put in.

ButteredScone · 27/12/2017 01:23

Also saying they have put personal want over their son is a bit rich coming from you. It's your 'personal want' for a wedding that this is about. You could afford a marriage licence. You want them to pay for your party etc.

Only1scoop · 27/12/2017 01:24

Pay for your own gig

Problem solved

It sounds as if resent pil if you accept your DM's offer.

What's this 'putting there son first crap'

He's an adult old enough to get married Hmm

IsabellaDMC · 27/12/2017 01:24

A contribution to your wedding is a gift. Your DM has chosen to gift more than your PIL. That is their prerogative and it is unhelpful to be comparing who gives more.

In addition it seems that you PIL initially gifted a set amount and then rescinded part of their gift - which is incredibly rude and suggests they are unreliable.

I wouldn't be refusing either offer because turning down a gift is ungracious. But learn for next time - when PIL offer help that help may never actually materialise.

RavingRoo · 27/12/2017 01:25

I think your parents contribution needs to be equal not in monetary terms but that if a contribution is made then BOTH should make it. It’s really unfair of your DH and his family to insist you take your mum’s money when they themselves are putting in fuck all. Be firm on this. If this means you need a smaller wedding then fine.

KC225 · 27/12/2017 01:26

Unless your DM is utterly loaded, which doesn't seem to be the case I wouldn't feel comfortable with taking her contribution when your inlays have reduced their amount.

Fund the wedding yourself, you will control the purse strings and will not be beholden to inlaws demands. It may be a smaller wedding but it will also be a smaller headache and more control.

Calling you spiteful is outrageous, when in turn you could have called them flakey. I think you need to watch your step with you in laws there could be trouble ahead.

Good luck OP.

Chunkymonkey217 · 27/12/2017 01:32

Going against quite a few posters on here but i agree with you! If my in laws decided not to contribute towards my wedding but expected my single parent mum to cough up I’d be annoyed. Also, if I was in the position of your PIL I’d feel quite bad hearing that your DM has offered to contribute while i/we hadn’t offered. Even if you didn’t choose to accept it, I’m sure an offer would have been nice. I don’t think YABU. I’d suggest talking to your mum about this and explaining what you’ve said here, or do as another poster has suggested and put the money aside for your mum to use when she needs it.

Original poster
Renaissance18 · 27/12/2017 01:34

Thanks all. Smile

I think I was looking at this all from a hurt/ emotional angle. When I just needed a few different POV.

Will continue with original plan to fund own wedding and speak to DP tomorrow about a way ahead.

OP posts:
Chunkymonkey217 · 27/12/2017 01:35

also given the fact that PIL had already offered to contribute and then changed their minds is shitty. Definitely be weary of them Hmm
Definitely fund the wedding yourself, they could be the type of people that, if they did contribute, l hold it against you in future.

RavingRoo · 27/12/2017 01:36

Good decision OP.

Topseyt · 27/12/2017 01:50

What is this with "put personal want above their son" malarkey.

That makes you sound as though you expect them to finance their adult son (and by extension you too) to get married.

No parent has to contribute to the wedding of their grown up children. Nice if you do get a contribution, but it shouldn't be expected. DH and I paid for our own, though each set of parents did independently decide to gift us some money. Neither were told any details about what the other was doing in order to avoid putting anyone under unfair pressure.

Have you told your mother the whole story and explained your thoughts? That gives her the chance to consider options, and if she still wants you to have the money then fine. If not then also do e.

You can't go around slating DD's parents for wanting to do home improvements and go on a lovely holiday. They might well have already earmarked the money for that purpose well before you set the date. So you can't expect it then to be handed over for the wedding.

Scale back your pla s and fund it yourself. Much simpler, and beholden to nobody.

ButchyRestingFace · 27/12/2017 01:50

I think your MiL lost the right to have an opinion on the subject when she decided to flake out on her commitment and spend the money on non essentials (the holiday) instead. Smile

Topseyt · 27/12/2017 01:52

Cross post there. Good decision to self fund. It really does save some hassle.

Bowerbird5 · 27/12/2017 01:52

Why don't you let yourDM pay for or contribute to your dress? Or your bouquet? Something specific to you as it will make her happy on the day to think she paid for that rather than contribute to the wedding breakfast.also it might be a smaller contribution that way so a) she is happy because she has helped you and b) you are happy because it isn't as much as original so leaves her with something. Unless your dress is very expensive think how proud she would feel on the day to buy or contribute to the dress. PiL are being horrible to offer then rescind watch out for future promises.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2017 01:54

YANBU, at all. Your inlaws and mum are entitled to spend their money however the want. But your inlaws offering money and then withdrawing it are being very unkind.

I think you need to chat to your mum and decide together what to do.

"Luckily we had not actually factored the contributions into the budgeting as I've seen a few friends have this happen. " Blimey that was lucky, it would not have occurred to me that parents would offer money and then withdraw it.

"MiL thinks I'm being spiteful" your future MIL sounds like a peach! It's none of her business whose money you accept. She had her chance to contribute and has chosen not to. But rather than simply choosing not to, she and your future FIL offered money and then withdrew it. I think that is very bad. I'd say that from now on the finances of your wedding are no business at all of your inlaws.

I agree with Gemini "If your Mum insists on giving you the money... then you take the money and keep it separate from joint money ... and return it in the future when she might need it."

I would not talk about wedding money any more with the inlaws.