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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.... Wedding and inlaws

68 replies

Renaissance18 · 27/12/2017 00:57

Merry Christmas! Xmas Wink

Will try and keep it brief, getting married this year and generously both sets of parents have contributed an amount of money... Or so I thought. Luckily we had not actually factored the contributions into the budgeting as I've seen a few friends have this happen.

Turns out DPs parents have reviewed the amount and can no longer contribute due to some home improvements and a long haul holiday. All organised after we set a date Hmm

My AIBU is this, I feel that we shouldn't accept the contribution from my (single) mother. I am sure she would love to go on a luxury holiday etc but has instead chosen to support us.

DP thinks I'm being ridiculous to turn it down and MiL thinks I'm being spiteful. I do understand that I am somewhat emotionally biased with this but I feel that it is vastly unfair that my mum who is by herself and retired is contributing vs my inlaws who both work and have decided to put personal want over their son.

Am I being daft?!

OP posts:
MsHarry · 27/12/2017 09:36

BTW My mil tried to do this. She said they'd pay half of the reception. My DF was to pay the other half, DM bought my dress. Then as it approached she said she'd buy a washing machine??!! DH spoke to her and she claimed to have no knowledge of it. DH told her we'd budgeted around that and had no money left and she relented but it was begrudgingly. We've never forgotten it. She has form for promising things, getting the glory then not following through.

ElephantsandTigers · 27/12/2017 09:37

You're DP sounds grabby and your mil being spiteful makes no sense. Unless she's trying to say you accepting your mum's money is making her feel bad Hmm.

TheWernethWife · 27/12/2017 09:40

Notagain where did you get PIL have "lowered the amount", they re not giving any money towards the wedding but are having a holiday instead.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/12/2017 09:43

I agree, DH sounds grabby and his parents worse. Red flag!

millymollymandy46 · 27/12/2017 09:46

Agree with Bowerbird5 - that makes your mum very much a generous contributor to something happy - ie the dress.

And agree with you to go back to plan to self fund - that way you control everything - and it will, I am sure, be lovely.

The important thing is to have a good start to your marriage and have a happy atmosphere to your wedding. It is great to have a lovely day - but you will have years with your inlaws and you don't want irritation at them over the wedding funding to hang over you. Good luck - you will do it beautifully. The best weddings are where there is a happy atmosphere and it is very much about the couple getting married. The best weddings I have been to have often been where the personal touches haven't been the most expensive and one of the few terrible weddings I went to must have cost a fortune but was spoiled by a table of the bride's so called friends bitching about the couple - I couldn't believe it. Have a lovely day! And, hard as it will be, let your MIL's comments go - it will all come right in the end.

Headofthehive55 · 27/12/2017 09:46

Maybe tell her you are thinking of cancelling and going abroad, long haul mind, Maui perhaps and they need to fund themselves?

TabbyMumz · 27/12/2017 09:46

Why do you have to speak to anyone about a way ahead? You didn't have to talk to your in laws about what your dm wants to give? Pay for your own wedding. Your in laws have no responsibility to pay. AT ALL. Their son is an adult. Presumably they have worked all their lives and contributed to him all their lives. They can have a holiday if they want. Nowt to do with you what they spend their money on.

nannybeach · 27/12/2017 09:47

Horrible to say inlaws will pay towards wedding, and then "OH, actually we are going to have the house done up, and a big holiday, instead", mind you I found that often these things come with a "clause" I paid towards it so I want my say. Presumably your Mum knows this tell her you feel awkward she doesnt have so much money herself, let her contrubute a little to something, as other posters have said maybe the flowers. Weddings always seem to bring out the worst in relatives, I wish to God we had eloped!

MsGameandWatching · 27/12/2017 09:48

I agree with you entirely OP.

DoubleAces · 27/12/2017 10:03

OP is correct. In laws are twats for making an empty offer.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2017 10:13

I agree with PinkyBlunder.

Notagainmun where does it say they have lowered the amount,OP said something like not contributing.

GreenTulips · 27/12/2017 10:41

Presumably they have worked all their lives and contributed to him all their lives. They can have a holiday if they want. Nowt to do with you what they spend their money on

This isn't the he issue -

DP thinks I'm being ridiculous to turn it down and MiL thinks I'm being spiteful

This is

MsHarry · 27/12/2017 10:42

they shouldn't have promised a contribution, then rescinded it without good reason. Booking themselves a far flung holiday is not one!

JaceLancs · 27/12/2017 10:55

DD is getting married soon - all parents are contributing in some way but not by matched amounts
ExDH has gifted a much bigger amount (he can afford it) but it can go towards wedding costs or house deposit or furniture etc
DDs fiancés parents (also divorced) are doing what suits them I haven’t asked nor expect to be told the amount of gift
I’m paying for DD dress, bridesmaids outfits and the flowers - which is what I can afford and will enjoy shopping with DD
DD and her fiancé are expecting to cover the total cost if they need to and any gifts will be a bonus - they chose and booked venue based on their budget without help
Perhaps your DM might like to pay for something specific

HeckyPeck · 27/12/2017 10:57

Sorry you're getting such crappy in laws OP.

Can you speak to your mum and say you've put the budget together and have enough to cover everything. Maybe mention that PILs aren't contributing in case she'd felt she had to it they were. Then see what she says?

I like the other posters ideas about her helping with the dress if she does want to give a bit. My mum paid for my dress. She said she'd been saving since she met my DH as she had a good feeling about him! I told her she didn't have to, but she wanted to. I went to a store that had all dresses under £500 as I didn't want her to spend too much and everyone was happy.

TabbyMumz · 27/12/2017 12:57

Greentulips......yes it is. The op has made a few nasty comments about them going on holiday rather than helping their son.

ButchyRestingFace · 27/12/2017 13:04

Greentulips......yes it is. The op has made a few nasty comments about them going on holiday rather than helping their son.

Entirely justified in my view since the in-laws had pledged to contribute and then changed their minds in favour of a holiday. But STILL expect bride’s mother to contribute.

If they hadn’t offered to contribute, then I’d think OP should wind her neck in. But they did. Very poor show.

LineyRunner · 27/12/2017 13:08

It's not nice to renege on a commitment.

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