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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU.... Wedding and inlaws

68 replies

Renaissance18 · 27/12/2017 00:57

Merry Christmas! Xmas Wink

Will try and keep it brief, getting married this year and generously both sets of parents have contributed an amount of money... Or so I thought. Luckily we had not actually factored the contributions into the budgeting as I've seen a few friends have this happen.

Turns out DPs parents have reviewed the amount and can no longer contribute due to some home improvements and a long haul holiday. All organised after we set a date Hmm

My AIBU is this, I feel that we shouldn't accept the contribution from my (single) mother. I am sure she would love to go on a luxury holiday etc but has instead chosen to support us.

DP thinks I'm being ridiculous to turn it down and MiL thinks I'm being spiteful. I do understand that I am somewhat emotionally biased with this but I feel that it is vastly unfair that my mum who is by herself and retired is contributing vs my inlaws who both work and have decided to put personal want over their son.

Am I being daft?!

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 27/12/2017 02:04

I think the posters idea if your mum using the money for something specific such as a wedding dress, honeymoon, etc is lovely. It would make your mum's donation more personal. Who suggested the donated amount in the first place? Was it your pils or mum? If it was them, was your mum just trying to keep up with them? That might put a different spin on your decision.

Stoptherideiwannagetoff · 27/12/2017 02:59

What Gemini69 said!

Smitff · 27/12/2017 03:49

I don’t get it.

If your Mum wants to contribute towards the cost of your wedding, what’s that got to do with whether anybody else contributes? Do you have a total cost that you’re trying to find the money for, so if your in laws pull out your Mum has to contribute more?

Surely it’s the other way round: you see how much money you have available to spend and organise your wedding accordingly?

genever · 27/12/2017 03:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2017 04:46

If you do take your mum's money could you keep it for a rainy day?

Only1scoop and genever suggest pay for her own wedding. Which it seems you have budgeted for.

Just for the record it is really common for parents to contribute to their child's wedding. Some may not. But what seems really odd is to offering money and then withdrawing it. People seem to be missing here is the inlaws offered money towards the wedding and then changed their mind. Did they know you, OP, did not factor their money into any plans?

Do people know that the parents in law are giving anything?

Several posters have alluded to the inlaws reducing their amount in some way, but the OP said "Turns out DPs parents have reviewed the amount and can no longer contribute due to some home improvements and a long haul holiday."

Good luck, OP, hope the wedding goes really well.

Justanothernameonthepage · 27/12/2017 07:14

I'd suggest letting your mum buy the dress & shoes. That way she is contributing, but to something personal and that can be a mother daughter bonding experience.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 27/12/2017 08:00

YANBU, OP. Your PIL offered to contribute and then withdrew their offer in favour of spending it on themselves. That's rude. They shouldn't have offered in the first place. And I think you are right - it would seem wrong to then take your Mum's money. Unless, as other posters said, your Mum wants to buy something really personal like the dress. That's a lovely compromise.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/12/2017 08:09

Pay for it yourself and agree with your DM that she buys something personal like your shoes or your bouquet.

Tell MIL to swivel and mind her own business. It's fuck-all to do with her if you decide not to accept a financial contribution from your DM.

YABU with the "personal want" comment; PIL are free not to pay towards your wedding and spend the money on Haribo if they want, because it's their cash not yours. However they don't get to sit there and tell you what you should and shouldn't do because it's nothing to do with them.

greendale17 · 27/12/2017 08:17

My PILs didn’t contribute anything to my wedding. They said father of the bride pays. In the end my parents gave us some money because they wanted to and we paid the rest.

Now PILs daughter is getting married and she and her fiancé are paying it for themselves. Am tempted to ask FIL why he isn’t paying.

ButchyRestingFace · 27/12/2017 08:20

If you do take your mum's money could you keep it for a rainy day?

For OP’s rainy day - I’d agree with that. Smile

McPie · 27/12/2017 08:31

Why not accept your mums generosity in good grace and use it for/towards your wedding dress then you will both always have fantastic memories of choosing your dress together?

PinkyBlunder · 27/12/2017 08:55

The put personal want above their son comment I get. They made a commitment and then backed out. That would piss me off something rotten too.

OP you need to think hard about not only your ILs reaction to you asking yoir DM not to cough up but your DP too. Their attitude is quite worrying. Listen carefully to what they’re saying about themselves here. To be honest, from that alone I’d stop any outside contributions. They’re clearly piss takers.

I’d have a long chat with your DM about it. If she’s set on contributing (I bet she will be!) a PP suggestion of letting her contribute to something personal to you is a lovely one.

percypig · 27/12/2017 09:01

I agree with some previous posters - your mum may really want to contribute, and if so asking her to pay for a specific aspect of the day (dress, flowers or the cake would be my suggestions) would limit the amount she gives but be more meaningful than her just handing over a wad of cash.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/12/2017 09:07

They were mean to change their minds. But its up to your dm what she wants to do. When we got married we were planning to pay for everything ourselves as both working in fairly good jobs. However my dps took me aside and said they had been saving for such a day. We were thrilled and graciously accepted. It covered full reception.We never discussed it with pil and l honestly cannot recall if they even gave us a gift. It just wasn"t relevant. They never knew about my dps money.I come from a huge family but there was no issue in one side paying. My dps wanted to. We are now planning to do the same for our dcs : sons and daughters. We will not want to know about inlaws. Totally couples own business.
So up to your dm and none of inlaws business. Do not have any further discussion with them . I cannot stress that enough. Just brush off any attempt of theirs to discuss it.
But do not hold it against them as that will taint your wedding and come between you and your new dh. But you know what they are capable of now.

Candyfloss1122 · 27/12/2017 09:10

Completely agree with @gemini69

LineyRunner · 27/12/2017 09:12

Your DP seen keen to spend your mother's money. I'd be a bit wary of that.

Future MIL sounds selfish, and he's defending her.

I see your point exactly, OP. And then some. Be careful with these people.

LineyRunner · 27/12/2017 09:13

seems keen

NorthernLurker · 27/12/2017 09:13

I agree, your mum pays fir the dress. If she wants to give more it goes in to your bank account. You are keeping your own account aren't you?

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 27/12/2017 09:16

I completely agree with you op. I would not be taking money from my single mum retired parent period. But certainly not if pil reneged on their promise to help. Is your fiance supporting your decision? If not why not? Does he think it's ok to accept the money? And did he have a go at his mum for her reaction?. He should be supporting you 100 per cent. Make sure mil stays out of your business and marriage from now on.

AJPTaylor · 27/12/2017 09:19

Mum may well have money saved specifically for your wedding and may be hurt if you refuse to allow her to contribute, i think.

Notagainmun · 27/12/2017 09:21

Your in-laws were unreasonable to tell you they were giving you a certain amount and then lower it. Your MIL should have kept her nose out regarding your DM money. You shouldn't have discussed it with her imo.

As a parent I would be upset if my DC refused my financial gift toward the wedding. If your DM has given you enough to cover the wedding then you could name her as the host on the invitations.

IWouldLikeToKnow · 27/12/2017 09:27

I would let my mum pay for something specifically for you if she wants to contribute. Like your dress, shoes, jewelley, etc. She maybe wants to do it for her daughter. I know my mam gave me some towards my dress even though they wouldn’t have had much to spare.

Raindancer411 · 27/12/2017 09:31

So was the PIL doing that instead of a wedding gift? Will you now get a wedding gift?

I would not be able to take the money off my mum if that had been the case, as I would have worried she was only offering if she knew the other side was to try and keep things fair.

As said I would speak to her and let her decide if she still wanted to or just get you a nice gift to keep.

We funded ours all by ourselves :)

MsHarry · 27/12/2017 09:32

I understand and would feel the same. Speak to your mum and if you can fund your own wedding even if it means scaling back. Then you can do what you want and not feel indebted to anyone and not give MIL the satisfaction.

bigtissue · 27/12/2017 09:34

This could have gone another way, with PIL paying for some of the wedding and therefore feeling entitled to call the shots. What a barrel of laughs that would have been for you.

I think you've had a lucky escape there. Keep your dignity, pay for your wedding yourselves - and good luck with the MIL relationship once you're married Hmm