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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very rude house guest

70 replies

kennycat · 26/12/2017 19:02

Talk me down from committing murder please.

My BIL is 40. He comes for Christmas dinner every year because he has no partner and we have widowed MIL too. I accept this.

However, said BIL buys gifts for my two children, his mum and my husband. ( despite us having a no adult present agreement ) Nothing for me. He brings nothing in thanks for the feast he is offered, not even the booze he intends to drink which is copious.

He only says thank you as an afterthought once his mum has said it.

It drives me loopy and honestly upsets me every year. I work my arse off for several weeks preparing for the dinner etc and he just a comes in, sits like a pudding, gets waited on hand and foot and offers no gestures or help.

If I was his mum I would be bloody embarrassed about his behaviour; it is infantile in my opinion.

I've told my husband how I feel about it and he always just says ' well that's what he's like'. I know I can't change him but I really wonder how many years I can put up with it before I actually let rip and lay in to him around the table.

What do I do other than grin and bear (bare? Never quite sure) it??

Advise Welcome

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 26/12/2017 19:04

Ask him to bring booze?
Say after dinner that as you did the cooking they can all clear up?
Don't invite him?
No point moaning on MN. Unless he's on here?!?!

Angelicinnocent · 26/12/2017 19:06

My bil was like this before he got married. Unfortunately, he is now even worse and his dw is no better. No advice, I just avoid, sorry.

GeorgeTheHamster · 26/12/2017 19:06

He's forty. It's nothing to do with his mother.

He's an arse and he's thick skinned. Tell him what you want him to bring. Be clear and do it in advance. You can't change his behaviour. So change yours. .

ShirleyPhallus · 26/12/2017 19:06

Ask him to bring stuff!

“. Mil can you please bring pudding and starters, BIL could you please bring 3 bottles of prosecco for the pre-Christmas drinks and some cheese? Looking forward to seeing you all”

insancerre · 26/12/2017 19:06

Get your dh to speak to him
I'm surprised he hasn't done so already

PaxUniversalis · 26/12/2017 19:07

Has BIL he always behaved like this? Is he the baby of the family?

Next time - if you should invite him again - you should ask him to help out with 'small' tasks. Set the table, help serve the food, clear the table, help load the dishwasher, etc.

Make him sing for his supper.

MrsGloop · 26/12/2017 19:07

Don’t invite him again. I hosted 7 in laws yesterday and after many years of low-level rudeness, I finally told DH today that we aren’t hosting them again. I also get the “that’s just what BIL is like” - yes, because no one has even pulled him up on it! If they want to continue with enabling their sibling’s shitty behavior, that’s up to them. I’m not joining them.

MrsGloop · 26/12/2017 19:09

Sorry, that ended up being more about me than you! Forgot to add, if someone was coming to my home, eating a meal I’d prepared and excluded me from the gift giving, they would NEVER be invited back, and they would be told in no uncertain terms why.

Tapandgo · 26/12/2017 19:40

Dear BIL
After many years of hosting you, perhaps next year you would like to host everybody - you might want to research restaurants you can afford to host us in as bookings fill up fast.

ShiftyMcGifty · 26/12/2017 19:47

Next year, email him and Cc all - since I’ve been hosting for x years, buying all the food and alcohol, I think it’s time for your turn. I am happy to do all the cooking again but this year, BIL, you’re responsible for all the alcohol. Providing AND serving it. (Last year, I bought X bottles of lager, x bottles of red and x bottles of white, so start with that as your minimum)

buttfacedmiscreant · 26/12/2017 19:52

Agree with others. BIL needs to be told

"If you want to come to ours for Christmas you need to bring "XYZ and if you bring a present for any of the adults you need to include KennyCat, she likes Amazon gift cards (or whatever he can't easily screw up).

Also we expect help with ABC (like Shifty's suggestion of making sure everyone has drinks through the day)"

LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2017 19:59

I stopped hosting for the family the year a family member turned up late, was very grumpy, didn't say thank you and then ate and left.

Decided then and there to never invite anyone over again. It's been BLISS.

Bambamber · 26/12/2017 20:04

Tell him to bring his own booze. If he doesn't bring any, he doesn't get any.

Mousewatch · 26/12/2017 20:13

Tell him he is welcome if he brings the booze.

Also why are you preparing dinner for weeks Confused I went to Tesco on Xmas eve and then cooked it all Christmas Day morning.

Trb17 · 26/12/2017 20:15

I cannot stand it when people excuse bad behaviour by saying, “Well that’s what he’s like”!

People who do this are enabling the problem and saying it’s ok. It’s not.

Call him out in it if your DH daren’t and lay some ground rules down for if you allow him to come again.

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2017 20:15

Get your DH to tell his brother how rude he is, give him back the gift and tell him to exchange it for one for you.

You have a DH problem...

paniconthestreetsofdreams · 26/12/2017 20:18

Going against the grain here but what exactly do you want from him? He brings presents for your kids and says thanks.

Tipsntoes · 26/12/2017 20:19

Family at Christmas isn't the same as having house guests IMO.

DH should be saying "come on brother lets do the washing up" (if you've done all the cooking). At the invitation stage you should be telling him what you want him to bring.

BlueSuffragette · 26/12/2017 20:20

Next year send him a list of things to bring with him as his contribution if he wants to attend the Christmas festivities. Then set rules, such as they wash up if you cook, as it is only fair. If he doesn't like it he won't come, so you win either way.

Finderscrispy · 26/12/2017 20:21

He might just be a bit socially inept, his brother has you to guide him. If his family didn’t do a lot of hosting, socialising when he was growing up it might not have occurred to him provide gifts for the host.
I’d just give him instructions for next year, bring xxx or help with the washing up as previous posters have suggested.

flumpybear · 26/12/2017 20:22

Give him a list of thing s to buy, booze he wants and a contribution towards a pudding etc (I bought three puddings and a pannetone this year to my in laws who bought the food and booze

Crispbutty · 26/12/2017 20:24

You say you don’t want adult gifts but he gets them for his mum and brother maybe because he wants to. I assume he doesn’t get any gifts in return as you don’t do them. So I’m not convinced he is taking the piss too much. Is the gift for your husband something that could be for both of you?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 26/12/2017 20:29

Going against the grain here but what exactly do you want from him? He brings presents for your kids and says thanks

The issues OP has are:

  1. BIL buys gifts for his mum and OP's DH (despite them having a no adult present agreement) yet nothing for OP! How rude is that!
  1. He never brings anything to eat or drink with him despite OP hosting him each year, yet he's happy to drink lots of her booze.
  1. He only says thank you as an afterthought once his mum has said it.

Do you really not see the problem?

Crispbutty · 26/12/2017 20:34

What does MIL bring? Does he have plenty of spare cash? Does he have social issues?

Flupi · 26/12/2017 20:36

There seem to be an awful lot of martyrs on mumsnet. For goodness sake say something! Tell him to do stuff, lay the table, clear it, actually hand him the plates etc. Be more assertive. And say “where’s my present?” Who would do that? Give everyone a present apart from one person? He needs to be told. Why are you afraid to say something? Don’t be a doormat!

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