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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Very rude house guest

70 replies

kennycat · 26/12/2017 19:02

Talk me down from committing murder please.

My BIL is 40. He comes for Christmas dinner every year because he has no partner and we have widowed MIL too. I accept this.

However, said BIL buys gifts for my two children, his mum and my husband. ( despite us having a no adult present agreement ) Nothing for me. He brings nothing in thanks for the feast he is offered, not even the booze he intends to drink which is copious.

He only says thank you as an afterthought once his mum has said it.

It drives me loopy and honestly upsets me every year. I work my arse off for several weeks preparing for the dinner etc and he just a comes in, sits like a pudding, gets waited on hand and foot and offers no gestures or help.

If I was his mum I would be bloody embarrassed about his behaviour; it is infantile in my opinion.

I've told my husband how I feel about it and he always just says ' well that's what he's like'. I know I can't change him but I really wonder how many years I can put up with it before I actually let rip and lay in to him around the table.

What do I do other than grin and bear (bare? Never quite sure) it??

Advise Welcome

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2017 20:38

Stop hosting him! You don't have to do anything just because he's single🤔🤔🤔. No gift for you is bloody rude and not very nice, I woukd ask, well where's my gift then! Tell him to bring XYZ before he comes. Mabey go away next year.

Pikachuwithyourmouthclosed · 26/12/2017 20:40

Yes, he does sound very annoying. I'd be irritated too.

But... You work your arse off for several weeks preparing for the dinner? Really?!

FlouncyDoves · 26/12/2017 20:41

Cook doesn’t clean.

Chuck a dish cloth at him and tell him to get out to the kitchen. He and whoever didn’t help cook can clean up.

Simple.

As for the lack of a present for you either abandon the no adult gift (you hosting him is present enough) or ask your DH to refuse to accept one from him.

MsHarry · 26/12/2017 20:43

The only way is to ask each guest to bring something. My DM died a few years ago. She would make pudding, if my Dsis was coming she would bring canapés. It really lightens the load. This year I had Uncle and DF. Uncle always brings lots of wine and some cheeses when he comes. I spoke to DF 2 weeks before and knowing he can't do much in the kitchen I just asked him to bring Christmas crackers. He did, luxury ones too! You just have to be direct.

MsHarry · 26/12/2017 20:45

As for the lack of gift I would expect your DH ro say something, it's his brother! He should have a word with him, maybe " Don't worry about buying for me, Kennycat does all the work, buy her something nice instead."

abilockhart · 26/12/2017 20:45

You have a DH issue as your DH has decided to accept this behaviour from his brother.

cathyclown · 26/12/2017 20:51

BIL probably has an undiagnosed something or other, and mother is enabling it as she is used to it all the time. Does he live with mother and is his name Norman by any chance?

Doesn't sound too bad to me. At least it is just Christmas Dinner and not a three day event! Some people just don't happen to have the smarts/emotional intelligence to do the right thing all of the time. Such is life.

But if it really bothers you (not worth imo), get your DH to say something. But if he's not bothered neither should you.

It's a pain when people are just so lacking in social skills, but it happens, and we have to get on with it. I doubt he will change now.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 26/12/2017 20:56

I would be more angry with your DH than your BIL they are both treating you with total disrespect, your BIL for treating you that way and your DH for allowing you to be treated by him that way, sounds like they are more alike than you realise, different sides of the same coin. I agree with Flupi stop being a martyr and while you are at it pull your husband up for enabling his brothers behaviour.

givemesteel · 26/12/2017 20:58

You need to tell dh that you're not putting up with his behaviour any longer and if he wants to be invited back he needs to behave like a better guest.

Tell dh your expectations (ie bring booze and / or contribute £x to the day), it's rude not to buy the host a gift if everyone else gets one and to pull his weight with helping clear up.

Dh needs to spell it out and make it clear next year is the last warning. If he doesn't step up don't invite him the team after.

My dh has some naturally very rude friends but he has talked to them about good guest behaviour and now they don't leave their room / bathroom in a mess and bring a bottle of wine etc. I still don't love having them over but I can tolerate them now.

Original poster

kennycat · 26/12/2017 20:59

Thanks for all the responses some good thoughts there. I did ask him to bring crackers one year and he didn't bother which really pissed me off. Christmas dinner withOut silly hats is just a Sunday roast!
I need to keep going on at DH I think as he is kind of enabling it as someone put it. MIL bought after dinner mints and a bouquet. She also offered to help a few times but never when I actually needed help but that wasn't her fault.

To whoever queried why I'd been prepping for weeks, I'd been buying bits and bobs since sept and making and freezing stuff in the run up to make the actual day as simple as I could.

He's the older brother but is completely socially inept. He would be incapable of hosting- I'm not sure he has a functioning kitchen and his house is a hovel because he's very idle- not for the want of the cash to sort it.

If we didn't have him over he would have nowhere else to go which isn't a fair option.

Without making enemies (his mum is capable of falling out with people and holding grudges for decades) I think I'm stuck with this situation until the end of time.

OP posts:

mullmepopcorn · 26/12/2017 21:12

He's rather like my brother in law. Try clearer instructions. Your turn to bring the booze, if you don't we'll all be thirsty. Followed by a shopping list and a reminder. Possibly get your DH to tell him and chase it up, but make sure you have a bottle of your favourite stashed away where no one can find it. MiL Bil and DP have to go without if he doesn't bring it.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 26/12/2017 21:13

If we didn't have him over he would have nowhere else to go which isn't a fair option.

And whose fault would that be?

If you honestly feel so obligated that you must host him, then your DH needs to be having firm words with him about behaviour and expectations. He may be a guest but it's not a hotel - and it's incredibly rude to turn up completely empty handed and drink the place dry in return.

IdaDown · 26/12/2017 21:19

I suggest DH shops, prepares and cooks next year.

Sit back and enjoy the day.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2017 21:21

If his Mum is so bloody bothered about BIL's Christmas, she can cook for him and clean up after him.

Why do you care more about their feelings than yours?

And I agree, DH needs to step the fuck up. Tackle that. You live with him every day of the year, he should be on your side.

Cardilover · 26/12/2017 21:23

OP I’m completely sympathetic with what a drain and annoyance this is! I have exactly this situation with my BIL. I try so hard to host well and make sure everyone has a good time. He contributes nothing, not practically or financially, but not to the conversation or fun either. DH has tried to talk to him but no success. Could your MIL host next year? After last year I refused to host my BIL again and instead, MIL offered to host. It was so much more bearable spending the day with him when it wasn’t my hosting he was offending...

buttfacedmiscreant · 26/12/2017 21:26

If you have asked before and he hasn't followed through then someone (you or DH) needs to be clear that he either does this or is not invited back for Christmas... and then follow through.

dertyyuoih2 · 26/12/2017 21:31

Sounds like BIL could be on the spectrum somewhere, ie Aspergers? it can for some very black and white and very hard to read emotion. This could lead to his lack of social skills? He might say thank you as he is promopted by MIL due to above? Just a thought

Mxyzptlk · 26/12/2017 21:32

BIL buys gifts for my two children, his mum and my husband. ( despite us having a no adult present agreement ) Nothing for me.

He buys gifts for two kids and gets nothing in return.
He buys for his mum and brother, despite the rule on no adult gifts, because he always has done.
He doesn't buy for you because there is a no adult gifts rule and he never has bought for you.
There is some logic to this.

I'd say he is socially inept and needs to be told exactly what to do/bring, preferably by your DH.

BlackberryandNettle · 26/12/2017 22:30

Not sure whether I've missed something... If you have no adult gift arrangement does that mean you don't get him a present and he doesn't get you or your dh one? That sounds fair enough, especially as he's buying for your DM and dc

Tapandgo · 26/12/2017 22:41

If you can’t make a stand OP, then I suggest you and DH go off next Christmas and see how they both cope.

PastaOfMuppets · 26/12/2017 23:14

He probably doesn't realise or care that what you are providing is a lot more effort than buying a gift. He might think he's doing more than expected anyway as he brings gifts for 4 rather than for 2 people. If he's never cooked a big meal he won't know how hard you work.

I think he needs someone to tell him clearly and if he doesn't listen and act the next year, no more invites / you simply don't cook. He sounds like my DB who has been allowed to get away with this sort of thing and needs to be told clearly a final time before the repercussions come. Be warned though that once you apply repercussions you will have a much smaller Christmas in future as you will be blamed and he and MIL will probably treat you badly - do not engage with that.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/12/2017 13:32

"Going against the grain here but what exactly do you want from him? He brings presents for your kids and says thanks."

I agree with this. What exactly is he supposed to do? When people bring unsolicited food it can mess up someone's eating plans so that's not a good idea. Interfering in the kitchen isn't a good idea, especially if you can't cook.
Pp have replied that he brings booze, but no every family drinks at Christmas and OP hasn't clarified so that might not be an appropriate present either.
It's your choice to start preparing weeks in advance, isn't it? That's not really necessary.

Mxyzptlk · 27/12/2017 13:47

He knows they have booze in the house and OP said he drinks a lot of it.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/12/2017 13:49

I must have missed OP's mentioning booze. I agree that's an easy thing to bring.
My parents have so much food around at Christmas, I don't see how my bringing extra cheese or chocolate would help anything.

Ellisandra · 27/12/2017 13:50

I think that working your arse off for weeks is either an exaggeration or you seriously need to review how you do Xmas!

What part of that work was in any way due to BIL? (buying your kids' presents since Sep has got nothing to do with him!)

have a moan here, I do see why he's annoyed you
your husband tells him next year what to bring and calls him 2 days before to check he has it
your husband says in a few days time "bro, that was odd that you left your SIL out of presents - why?" and manages it for next year
on the day, you say to your BIL and your H, right - you two are on washing up. And let your H deal with it

I am reminded that I have lazy BIL and brother. Mother thinks son shines out of brother's arse and likes to complain BIL is lazy when he is identical. One year, I did the "right, you two wash up". My mother had a face like a slapped arse because she couldn't find an excuse to get brother out of it without getting BIL off the hook too. Result!!

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