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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider an abortion?

64 replies

InAPickleToday · 26/12/2017 18:45

I've NC'd for this.

My period is late but never did I think I could be pregnant. DP have had sex twice in the past month, using a condom properly each time. I've done a test and it's a clear positive. No ifs or buts about it.

I'm devestated. I'm devastated to be devastated. I don't want to be pregnant. I'm not ready for another child. We have DD who is 17 months and I've really struggled with her, PND and anxiety. It's only now I feel like I'm more on top of things and enjoying my daughter.

I'm also in my final year of a degree and have been offered a place on a teacher training course in September. It's what I've worked so hard for, despite having DD and battling through PND, there's light at the end of the tunnel. I'm also due to get married, everything booked near my due date.

I don't want another baby (yet), but I don't want an abortion either. I don't think I'd cope with another DC, but don't know if I can cope with the guilt of an abortion. DP is being so so supportive but I feel so alone. I can't talk to anyone because I feel so ashamed I'm even considering it. I don't think they'd understand.

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/12/2017 18:46

Nothing to feel ashamed about. You have yourself, your dd, your relationship and your future to consider. It sounds like it’s just awful timing for you right now.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/12/2017 18:47

You don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed. You took sensible precautions, they just failed. Your responsibility is to your existing family and your own health and well being. If you need a termination then you need one.

lastqueenofscotland · 26/12/2017 18:49

YANBU.
This happened to me in my third year of uni despite using contraception correctly. I didn't give it a second thought.
If you don't want another baby and need to look after yourself that is fine from me.

Delilah21D00LoT · 26/12/2017 18:51

No need to feel ashamed at all - if you 100% do not want another child yet, then have the termination.
The choice is yours and only yours.

Mrsmadevans · 26/12/2017 18:52

YANBU your decision, your body, your life.

wowbutter · 26/12/2017 18:54

Surely this is one of the reasons we have legal termination in this country.
It is not the right time for you, you have a list of reasons why, and its very early. See your go and get booked in to have a termination. There is no reason to feel guilty or upset. It's a ball of cells that may not even develop into a baby.
You need to make decisions based on your life and your existing child.
You are doing nothing wrong, either way.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 26/12/2017 18:55

No ofcourse not. It might be wise to find out how far along you are asap incase you didn’t actually conceive this month but earlier.

Original poster

InAPickleToday · 26/12/2017 18:55

Thank you. It's a shit situation. There's only option A or B no C or D. We want more children, we really do but not yet.

OP posts:

humblesims · 26/12/2017 18:56

You have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed and I think you really really should talk to someone to help you make the right decision for you.

oliveinacampervan · 26/12/2017 18:57

I can't talk to anyone because I feel so ashamed I'm even considering it. I don't think they'd understand.

Do what you think is best for you and your mental and physical health.

But for fuck's sake, don't go telling people.

Why does anyone need to know?

This is the sort of thing people will use against you to hurt you in the future, when you fall out.

If you and your partner are both on board with it, it's a no-brainer, surely?

MadameJosephine · 26/12/2017 18:59

Absolutely no reason to feel ashamed. Do what you feel is best for you and your family and please don’t feel guilty. I’m thankful we live somewhere where the option for a safe termination is available to you if that is what you decide

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/12/2017 19:10

My situation is a bit different, because I know I'm done with children, but if I got pregnant now I am pretty certain I would terminate. I wouldn't feel great about it, but I would have the right to make this decision and so do you, perhaps with some wistfulness or regret at it not being the right time, but with no guilt, as you have no need to feel guilty.

Olive is right in that you should be careful who you tell if you fear judgement, as you do not need people putting their unqualified oar in to what is not their business.

smashbake · 26/12/2017 19:15

You sound very sensible

Emelene · 26/12/2017 19:17

Have you had a look at www.crisispregnancy.co.uk - it might be helpful to be able to speak to someone non biased and professional in real life to help you work through your decision x

Rossigigi · 26/12/2017 19:17

No need to tell anyone. I fell pregnant when ds was 3 months even though I was on the pill (breast feeding so mini pill). I too was in uni, and knew I could not manage another baby at the time even though I wanted more in the future.
I had a termination. The only people to know was me, my dp and dp's sister. I won't lie, I still think about the baby every week, I won't say Day because it's not daily. But every week. However, I know that I made the right decision, for my mental health and so I could care for ds. Take care

lasttimeround · 26/12/2017 19:23

Not every abortion is the traumatic awful event portrayed on TV. Its not contraception but it's also a sane sensible option for when it's just not the right time. I have zero trauma about mine. Tali8nvvthrough options znd procedures somewhere reputable can be useful if you feel reslly unsure of what you want to do.

Monoblock67 · 26/12/2017 19:27

You have nothing to feel ashamed over at all. Children can never come at a ‘perfect’ time, but if nots what’s right for you just now, not having a baby is nothing to feel guilty about.

I honestly think if I were to fall pregnant again I would have an abortion because it’s what would be best for me and my family long term, for a variety of reasons. I know I’m not in that situation, but I’ve definitely thought about the what ifs.

Situp · 26/12/2017 19:31

You are doing what is best for your first child and your family. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Having been in your shoes, my main piece of advice is not to try and seek approval from others. This is about you doing what is best for you. You are never going to get everyone's approval and you don't need it. You will remember the disapproval far more than the support.

I have never doubted my decision and know that I did the right thing for my family.

Ellendegeneres · 26/12/2017 19:52

Oh you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of lovey. Honest you don't.
Do what is right for you- when you're ready to consider more children, that will be your decision- but it wasn't your decision to be pregnant right now, so that's that.
You will be ok, I promise. From 6 weeks pregnant you can have the tablets and you can move forward.

Good luck

Branleuse · 26/12/2017 20:24

an abortion doesnt have to be a big deal. If the time is not right for a baby, dont force yourself to have one.

DotCottonDotCom · 26/12/2017 20:32

It’s just “not right now” isn’t it?

It is what it is. I swore I’d never ever do that. I did. And I wouldn’t have the life I have now if I hadn’t made that choice.

You are allowed to make decisions to protect your family and it’s future

Margaritaanyone89 · 26/12/2017 20:34

There is nothing wrong with an abortion. Many people have had them (including myself) but just don't discuss them because of their unjustified social stigma.

You have more cells under your finger nail when scratching your nose then an early fetus. At the moment it's just a cell, there is nothing wrong with having an abortion.

I took the abortion pill at 9 weeks and it was just like a period, I took it and got on with my life. It was the best decision I ever made as I was not prepared at the time for a child.

If you do opt for a termination, make sure to get some contraception for yourself afterwards so you don't have to go through the stress of making this decision again. I got the implant straight away afterwards and it worked wonders for me. Hope sharing my experience helps, all the best.

pallisers · 26/12/2017 20:38

Do what you need to do. It is your own private business and no one else needs to know if you don't want them to. You have to do what is best for you and for your family. Your life matters.

I was reared anti-abortion and I can tell you the minute I got pregnant I understood that this is a life-changing thing and the ONLY person whose opinion matters is the woman who is pregnant. I know if I got pregnant after my last child I'd have terminated. I used to say to dh that I'd call him from the taxi on the way to planned parenthood to let him know where I was. You have good sound reasons to terminate. By the way, I think statistically most terminations happen to women just like you - already mothers, contraception failure, timing absolutely wrong. You are not alone.

Margaritaanyone89 · 26/12/2017 20:38

P.S Might I add that you can self-refer to the Marie Stropes clinic. Just call up and say you wan to self-refer yourself, they're very kind and helpful.

The reason why I self refer is I didn't realise that this was an option, I thought you had to go to your doctor first (which you do not).

I saw a doctor, she was very religious and wouldn't sign off on my termination because she didn't 'believe' in abortions. And then I had to self-refer anyway. So it wasted more time going to the doctors.

capercaillie · 26/12/2017 20:43

No need to feel ashamed. I was in a similar position - 2 children, new job. Felt like the wrong time - I’ve had no regrets.

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