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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider an abortion?

64 replies

InAPickleToday · 26/12/2017 18:45

I've NC'd for this.

My period is late but never did I think I could be pregnant. DP have had sex twice in the past month, using a condom properly each time. I've done a test and it's a clear positive. No ifs or buts about it.

I'm devestated. I'm devastated to be devastated. I don't want to be pregnant. I'm not ready for another child. We have DD who is 17 months and I've really struggled with her, PND and anxiety. It's only now I feel like I'm more on top of things and enjoying my daughter.

I'm also in my final year of a degree and have been offered a place on a teacher training course in September. It's what I've worked so hard for, despite having DD and battling through PND, there's light at the end of the tunnel. I'm also due to get married, everything booked near my due date.

I don't want another baby (yet), but I don't want an abortion either. I don't think I'd cope with another DC, but don't know if I can cope with the guilt of an abortion. DP is being so so supportive but I feel so alone. I can't talk to anyone because I feel so ashamed I'm even considering it. I don't think they'd understand.

OP posts:

PidgeonSpray · 26/12/2017 20:47

No need to feel ashamed.
X

sweetkitty · 26/12/2017 20:49

Abortion is legal in this country it's your choice and only yours.

GirlsBlouse17 · 26/12/2017 20:49

Go to the Marie Stopes website for information and contact number. They will give advice and counselling and have clinics around the UK if you decide to go ahead with an abortion.

mullmepopcorn · 26/12/2017 21:00

Like you, I don't take abortion lightly. I can't imagine a situation where I would consider it. But- I would never judge you for deciding that you and your DD can not cope with this just yet. You have to prioritise getting yourself and your family stable enough to enjoy having another child.
Don't feel obliged to do something you are not ready for.

And as pps have said, don't tell people- especially family, who may feel they have a connection to/rights over your pregnancy.

SpiceAddict · 26/12/2017 21:31

It sounds like it is the right decision for you right now, however I am concerned that you feel that it is something to be guilty and ashamed about.

Please have some counselling first to deal with any guilty feelings, otherwise it will be pointless if it becomes something that you regret for the rest of your life.

theymademejoin · 26/12/2017 21:54

I'm going to go a against many of the replies here saying abortion is not a big deal. For many people it isn't but for others it can be devastating. The key factor is making the right decision for you, rather than a "logical" decision that may seem right on paper.

I don't think anyone else, particularly people on an internet forum, can tell you what the right decision is. I would strongly suggest getting non-directive counselling to help you make the right decision for you. That decision may be an abortion or it may be to continue with the pregnancy but please, don't make a rash decision without talking through the options and your feelings

Just to clarify, I'm completely pro-choice but I believe it is important to make a considered choice that is right for you. For many women, it's a simple decision that is easily made. For others, it is more difficult to decide.

WhatHappenedToSunday · 27/12/2017 09:08

Wonderful advice (said by Oprah!) On her show many moons ago.

Try to decide your stance on life issues before they occur*. It takes empathy/bit of guess work rather than experience, sometimes. However, when the time hits and your in the whirlwind it might be too emotional a period to try work through the thought process.

I knew taking an unborn baby's life would never be an option for me. So when a pregnancy occured at a less than ideal time I knew I'd do everything to make it work out. It has worked brilliantly.

I heard alot of ppl regret abortions. You hardly every hear ppl regret keeping their lovely babies.

eg. Theory applies to lots of things, like organ donation for family members, if an unexpected pregnancy occured, if a mugger grabbed your bag would you fight or let the bag just go, would you argree tp turn off a life-support machine etc etc

Hermagsjesty · 27/12/2017 09:13

I’d second what theymademejoin said, in that I’d advise getting impartial counselling beforehand. Noone can really know how you feel apart from you and a counsellor will help you work it through. Sorry that you’re going through this.

Humpsfor20yards · 27/12/2017 09:15

I heard alot of ppl regret abortions. You hardly every hear ppl regret keeping their lovely babies

That is simply not true.

BrutusMcDogface · 27/12/2017 09:22

I agree it seems the right thing for you; it definitely is the right thing to put your existing child's needs first.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 27/12/2017 09:39

I heard alot of ppl regret abortions. You hardly every hear ppl regret keeping their lovely babies.

A lot of people don't regret their abortions even slightly. I don't. A lot of people regret having a baby. You just hear a lot of people expressing the more socially acceptable versions (I regret my abortion, I don't regret my baby) and not the opposite.

Research has actually shown that a large majority of women who have terminations neither regret them nor suffer long term side effects.

Original poster

InAPickleToday · 27/12/2017 09:57

Thanks for all your lovely words and advice. Ive been up all night with some sort of bug and its just reminded me of the HG I suffered during my first pregnancy. I really don't think I can go through that again and complete my degree.

None of this still feels real. I think I'm in some kind of denial.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 27/12/2017 10:14

youll be fine OP, I hardly ever even think of my abortion.

ChelleDawg2020 · 27/12/2017 10:14

There is never a good reason to feel bad about having an abortion. If you don't want a baby now, nobody has the right to force you to have it.

WhatHappenedToSunday · 27/12/2017 10:18

All valid opinions.
The degrees to which we hear these tales obv vary for us as individuals.

Just wanted to say (having been in a very similar position. Smaller gap between babies. 8 months pregnant doing uni exams and streching to reach the desk past bump)
That happy endings are possible.

DotCottonDotCom · 27/12/2017 10:47

I heard alot of ppl regret abortions. You hardly every hear ppl regret keeping their lovely babies

People regret getting themselves into the situation, to be fair

GoReylo · 27/12/2017 11:14

I heard alot of ppl regret abortions. You hardly every hear ppl regret keeping their lovely babies

A lot of that comes down to what people (especially women) are supposed to say and feel in the society we live in. You are supposed to express regret, guilt and shame over an abortion if you mention it at all. People find anything else shocking. But many, many women only feel relief. Caitlin Moran wrote about aborting her third pregnancy. She and her husband were very well set up to have a third, but they were happy with their current family. No shame, no guilt. It's not wrong to protect what you have, prioritize your existing children and think about the career you are working toward. In any other area, making a proactive choice to protect those things would be seen as the right thing to do.

PasstheStarmix · 27/12/2017 11:24

What ever your decision as long as you're 110% sure which it does sound like you are. Don't let anybody sway you; it has to be all your decision. Only you know what you can and can't cope with and what will make you happy. I think it's too easy for people to say they don't regret having babies but the truth is people can wish their life was different because it isn't easy. People can wish they'd had less kids or waited acouple of years in an ideal world, regret is a strong word but I think people can wonder about l some of their life choices. If anything I've heard a lot of people have abortions because it was the right choice for them and their families and they haven't regretted it one bit. You sound young as well so I'm sure you have plenty of time to decide whether you should want another down the line when you're more ready. Babies coupled with mental health issues as well make it ten times harder. I suffered from a bout of PNA myself do I can really sympathise. I'm still undecided on whether I'll go on to have a second baby myself. Do what is best for you and tell as little or as many people as you wish. You are being very sensible in thinking about this now and all of the implications. Good luck

Splinterz · 27/12/2017 11:27

I don't think I'd cope with another DC, but don't know if I can cope with the guilt of an abortion.

^^ that's your answer.

theymademejoin · 27/12/2017 16:14

I heard alot of ppl regret abortions.

The research indicates that those who regret abortions are those who didn't make the correct decision for them. So those who are pressurised into it by family or partner or those who panic and abort because of the challenges they anticipate if they continue with the pregnancy but don't consider what is the right decision for them. Those who make the right decision may regret being in a situation where an abortion was the best decision for them but they will rarely suffer trauma as a result of the abortion. That is why, if a woman is conflicted, she should get non-directive counselling to help her make the right decision, whether it be an abortion or to continue with the pregnancy.

Piewraith · 27/12/2017 23:39

I heard alot of ppl regret abortions. You hardly every hear ppl regret keeping their lovely babies.

People talk endlessly about how they regret and hate having children! There are threads every day on it on this forum alone.

BarbarianMum · 27/12/2017 23:51

Sadly nobody can tell you if you will or won't regret an abortion (or having a child for that matter). All you can do is make the best decision you can, based on your current feelings and circumstances, and be kind to yourself.

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 28/12/2017 00:08

No advice, but because I am in the same position. I have 2 wonderful DC, aged 4 & 2, and just discovered I am pregnant. Complete contraception failure so totally unplanned. We have a 2 bed house, a standard size car, I’ve just had a promotion at work... it’s terrible timing. I have always said I would NEVER terminate a pregnancy, but have found myself considering it. I am still undecided but the longer it goes on the more I am imagining the bunch of cells developing into a baby.

AckleAckencacker · 28/12/2017 00:40

Have the baby and put them up for adoption. That way they get to live a life and a couple that cant have kids but are ready, get to be parents.

pallisers · 28/12/2017 01:17

Have the baby and put them up for adoption. That way they get to live a life and a couple that cant have kids but are ready, get to be parents.

As an adopted adult I find this facile in the extreme as a solution to the OP's issue.

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